"Here are some of the other survival tips from the instructor of Fright School that I wrote down:
If you're going to use and escape rope, try to get some knots in it.
Try to anticipate strikes or blows.
Also, if you're going to get shot, the farther you are from the shooter, the better. I learned that valuable tip during the first-aid section of our training. The instructor began this section by noting that some people are reluctant to attempt first aid. 'But,' he said, 'if your colleague is dying, and you don't do anything, he's going to die, isn't he? And he's not going to thank you, is he?' To which sports columnist Tom Powers replied: 'He's not going to complain either."
Friday, August 04, 2006
Stupid News Story of The Day
(Where's my invitation?)
Abusing their power by abusing their power...
BEIJING (Reuters) - Two Chinese officials cut off power to a hotel after they were not invited to its opening party and forced managers to drink spirits before they would turn the electricity back on, a state newspaper said Friday.
The two officials, who were subsequently fired, said they would lessen the power outage by one hour for every bottle of "baijiu" -- a strong grain-based alcohol -- two female managers drank, the Beijing Times said.
The two officials, who worked at the power company in the central province of Hunan, were found to have "severely harmed the image of the electricity bureau" and "caused a depraved social disturbance," the newspaper said.
The loss of power also caused chaos and blackouts for surrounding residents, it added.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
"My wife did not understand why I needed to buy a new cell phone. Yet every guy I show it to immediately agrees that it is a vital necessity. I have a friend named Robert who has a similar phone, and recently we discovered that, theoretically, I could 'beam' my address and phone number from my phone to his phone THROUGH THE AIR. I say 'theoretically' because we could not get it to actually work, although we spent a good ten minutes standing about a foot apart, pointing our phones at each other and fruitlessly pressing buttons. Several women watched this with some amusement: they suggested that - get this - it might be quicker for me to just TELL Robert my address and phone number, which would have represented a wanton and reckless disregard on our part for the beaming feature. These women also suggested that we look at our owner's manuals, which of course is out of the question. For a guy, reading the manual is tanamount to admitting that, manhoodwise, you are in the hamster category."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(Help...police! I'm not getting any!)
Ah, this should certainly put him in the mood...
FRANKFURT (Reuters) - Police in the German city of Aachen received an unusual call for help late Wednesday when a woman telephoned to complain her husband was not fulfilling his sexual obligations.
After the couple had been sleeping in separate beds for several months without intimate contact, the 44-year-old woman woke the husband, 45, in the middle of the night and demanded he satisfy her needs, police spokesman Paul Kemen said Thursday.
When her advances were refused, a row broke out and she called the police and asked them to intervene, he added.
"The police officials did not feel able to resolve the dispute, let alone issue any kind of official order," Kemen said.
"And because no crime or infringement could be identified, all they could do was file a report in case intervention might be required at a later date," he added.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Sleep...my kingdom for some sleep!
Another night has come and gone, and still I can't manage to sleep thru the night. Even with the new meds. I guess I need to give it some time to start working, but I expect results NOW. Am I asking for too much? Probably. I just want to go thru a day....ONE day...where I don't feel like a zombie because I haven't had enough sleep. I managed to fall asleep ok last night, around 11:30, but then I woke up at 1 am, and then again at 3 am, and again at 5:30, and by then, I had just given up on sleeping and just lay in my bed with my eyes shut until I HAD to get up at 6:30. I said that I just laid in bed with my eyes shut because I wasn't really sleeping. Sleeping means that you are oblivious of what is going on around you. But I could hear every tick of the clock, every little squeaking of my hamster's wheel, and the muted sound of my neighbor's music. Yes, he was playing his music again last night ALL night long , but at least it wasn't really loud. Plus, I was thinking about what I could do to make this day go by smoothly. Trying to come up with a game plan.
I was supposed to be filling in for another worker's appointments today. Today is recertification day for the minor consent people, and the normal worker is out. I had to do this last month as well, and it was a nightmare. I was so preoccupied with trying to figure out a way to make it go smoother this time, that my brain would not stop thinking. Thus, the lack of sleep. However, I found out today that I didn't have to do it after all. Another worker had already been taken off schedule to fill in. Had I known this in advance, I may have actually slept last night. Grrrrrr.
I have one of those overactive minds. The kind that won't stop working at night. I will lay in bed thinking about what I have to do the next day, or the next week, or even far off into the future. I will think about things of the past and better ways of doing those things in the future. I will lay in bed thinking of new ways to do things or things I want to do or places I want to go.I will dwell on things like, "Did I lock the door?" Sometimes I will convince myself that I didn't lock the door and I will have to get up and check it (of course, it is ALWAYS locked). And I will think about these things for hours! I wish I would not think so much! I wonder if there is a pill to take to shut off your thoughts - lol. Speaking of pills, why can't they make ones that taste better? Why do they have to be so bitter and nasty tasing? But I digress.
I keep getting phone calls from some dude who asks for a dude named Charlie. It is not just 2 or 3 times this dude has called....he has called my number over 10 times in the past 2 months (yes, I have been keeping track). I am not Charlie! I wasn't Charlie the last 10 times you called, nor am I Charlie now. I am KIM! My voice mail even says my name. The other night, my phone rang at 2 am and it was that dude asking for Charlie again. Grrr. I told him I wasn't Charlie and that I didn't know any Charlie. Apparently that didn't work, cuz yesterday, the dude called me 2 more times asking for Charlie. I AM NOT CHARLIE, DAMNIT!
I was supposed to be filling in for another worker's appointments today. Today is recertification day for the minor consent people, and the normal worker is out. I had to do this last month as well, and it was a nightmare. I was so preoccupied with trying to figure out a way to make it go smoother this time, that my brain would not stop thinking. Thus, the lack of sleep. However, I found out today that I didn't have to do it after all. Another worker had already been taken off schedule to fill in. Had I known this in advance, I may have actually slept last night. Grrrrrr.
I have one of those overactive minds. The kind that won't stop working at night. I will lay in bed thinking about what I have to do the next day, or the next week, or even far off into the future. I will think about things of the past and better ways of doing those things in the future. I will lay in bed thinking of new ways to do things or things I want to do or places I want to go.I will dwell on things like, "Did I lock the door?" Sometimes I will convince myself that I didn't lock the door and I will have to get up and check it (of course, it is ALWAYS locked). And I will think about these things for hours! I wish I would not think so much! I wonder if there is a pill to take to shut off your thoughts - lol. Speaking of pills, why can't they make ones that taste better? Why do they have to be so bitter and nasty tasing? But I digress.
I keep getting phone calls from some dude who asks for a dude named Charlie. It is not just 2 or 3 times this dude has called....he has called my number over 10 times in the past 2 months (yes, I have been keeping track). I am not Charlie! I wasn't Charlie the last 10 times you called, nor am I Charlie now. I am KIM! My voice mail even says my name. The other night, my phone rang at 2 am and it was that dude asking for Charlie again. Grrr. I told him I wasn't Charlie and that I didn't know any Charlie. Apparently that didn't work, cuz yesterday, the dude called me 2 more times asking for Charlie. I AM NOT CHARLIE, DAMNIT!
Let's see how well you do....
LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________
1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 - 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________
1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 - 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
Caption This!
Yeah I'm tired. YOU try lugging this big head around all day and see how YOU feel.
post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
"The primitive male shopper did not dilly-dally. He did not ask whether the yak was on sale. He did not try to accessorize the yak. He did not summon his primitive men friends and ask them if they thought the yak made his hips look big. No, he just WHOMPED THE YAK, and then he dragged it home, stopping only to whomp the primitive sales guys who appeared out of nowhere and tried to force him to purchase the service agreement. This is the biological basis for shopping. And this is why, even today, most men, when they shop, are yak-whompers. They do not wander. They go straight for the kill. I know I do. When I enter a store, I have a definite, practical, no-nonsense objective in mind, which is to locate, and secure, an electronic gizmo that I already have, except the new one has more features."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(He was REALLY hungry.)
Surgeons find knife, nails in stomach
BELGRADE, Serbia - A team of surgeons in western Serbia earlier this week took out eight nails, a knife, a pen, a screw, a spoon, a clothes-peg and other, smaller objects, from a young man's stomach, one of the doctors said Wednesday.
"We were astonished," said Dr. Maja Gulan, who helped perform the operation Monday in Uzice, 70 miles southwest of Belgrade.
"We have seen people swallow various things, but never this many," she added.
The identity of the patient has not been revealed. The doctors said he had suffered no major damage to his internal organs, and was successfully recovering.
The case was initially reported by a concerned relative who saw him swallowing the objects, doctors said.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
"I can't shop with my wife. The problem is that she almost never has a clear objective. I ALWAYS have a clear objective. Without a clear objective, you're just wandering randomly around a store, which is NOT the point of shopping. This is not just my opinion: This is the opinion of literally thousands of Nobel Prize-winning scientists whose names are available upon request. These scientists have traced the origins of shopping back to prehistoric times, when 'shopping' was called 'hunting,' and primitive man would make out his 'shopping list' by drawing, on his cave wall, a picture of his objective, usually a large wad of meat in the form of, say, a yak. He would then go out into the wild, locate his objective, and make the 'purchase' by whomping the yak on the head with a club."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(I'm gonna huff, I'm gonna puff, I'm gonna blow up my house!)
Man blows up flat after being evicted
LISBON (Reuters) - An 80-year-old man blew up his flat on Monday to retaliate for being evicted by his landlord, bringing down part of his five-floor central Lisbon block and setting it alight.
"He had threatened neighbours that he would blow up the place if he ever got kicked out," Carlos Pinto, a fireman with the Lisbon fire brigade, told Reuters. "I guess he kept his promise."
He said neighbours had reported that the man had threatened to pour petrol on his floor and set it alight, and one reported seeing him with a bottle of petrol moments before the explosion.
The man suffered severe burns. No other casualties were reported.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Caption This!
Jennie Ling, 18, a member of the National Acrobatic Team, shows off her acrobatic skills. She says she loves doing acrobatics, and her flexibility gives her a sense of freedom....and a lot of dates.
post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.
Just call me Ms Grumpypants
Ugh. I hate Mondays. Yeah, I know I keep repeating it every week, but I think it bears repeating.
Another thing I hate is my next-door neighbor...the one who lives to my left (in other words, the one who is right next to my bedroom). His louder-than-loud music was blaring on his stereo til over 4 am on both Friday and Saturday nights. I could not sleep even with earplugs! I had to go out to my living room and crash on the couch, and even with earplugs and my bedroom door closed, I could still hear his crappy ass music. Ugh! And last night, I awoke at 3 am, only to hear the sound of his asshole voice screaming at someone in his apartment (maybe his girlfriend or his kid....I dunno - I could only hear his voice). I could even hear some of what he was saying (not that I WANTED to, but with a voice that loud, you can't avoid it). He kept saying...."Why do you have to keep going on and on and on?!" (I was thinking the same thing myself...about HIS mother-fucking ass). Someone please come over and just shoot him! PLEASE! God he sucks! I don't really hate people, but I could definitely see myself hating his lousy ass. Inconsiderate, rude, loud mother fucker! I didn't go back to sleep til after 4:30, then woke up again at 5:10, fell back asleep and woke up again at 6:30. Another night of little, lousy sleep. No wonder I am so grumpy!
This morning, on the way to work, I came thisclose to rear-ending a pickup in front of me, because the on-ramp to the 99 was backed up due to an accident just past Ming Ave. I couldn't see that traffic was stopped til I turned into the on-ramp, and by then it was almost too late. I wasn't the only one though. I heard plenty of brakes squealing, and a little ways up, I saw that 2 cars had pulled over to the side of the ramp because of a little rear-ending drama. Damn, that was a close one!
I am really grumpy today. Partly because I am so sleepy (due to my crappy ass neighbor), and that I am just feeling like crap. Ever since I got back from vacation, I have been getting headaches and the joint pain has been pretty bad too. I think I figured out why. It is from this crappy Bakersfield air. When I was in New Mexico at the cabin, the air was so clean. It was great. But then I get back to this brown, smoggy Bakersfield air, and my head suddenly feels like it wants to explode. Smog sucks. Sometimes I hate this place.
My mom called me over the weekend to say that my grandma's house had been sold. I didn't think it would sell so soon. I feel a little sad knowing that someone else will be living there. But I think my grandma's neighbors will be happy to see it not empty anymore.
The celebration of life in honor of my aunt Marge will be toward the end of August. I asked for 2 days off so I could go to it, but my boss said she would be out that week, but she would "see what she could do." Fuck. I will call in sick if they say I can't have the time off. It was my mom's sister for crying out loud. I wanna be there for her. Screw work. Just screw it.
Nevermind. My boss just told me that I can have those days off. Guess I was jumping the gun a little bit.
Just a little bit - hehe.
Yep, I am one Grumpy Gus today.
Another thing I hate is my next-door neighbor...the one who lives to my left (in other words, the one who is right next to my bedroom). His louder-than-loud music was blaring on his stereo til over 4 am on both Friday and Saturday nights. I could not sleep even with earplugs! I had to go out to my living room and crash on the couch, and even with earplugs and my bedroom door closed, I could still hear his crappy ass music. Ugh! And last night, I awoke at 3 am, only to hear the sound of his asshole voice screaming at someone in his apartment (maybe his girlfriend or his kid....I dunno - I could only hear his voice). I could even hear some of what he was saying (not that I WANTED to, but with a voice that loud, you can't avoid it). He kept saying...."Why do you have to keep going on and on and on?!" (I was thinking the same thing myself...about HIS mother-fucking ass). Someone please come over and just shoot him! PLEASE! God he sucks! I don't really hate people, but I could definitely see myself hating his lousy ass. Inconsiderate, rude, loud mother fucker! I didn't go back to sleep til after 4:30, then woke up again at 5:10, fell back asleep and woke up again at 6:30. Another night of little, lousy sleep. No wonder I am so grumpy!
This morning, on the way to work, I came thisclose to rear-ending a pickup in front of me, because the on-ramp to the 99 was backed up due to an accident just past Ming Ave. I couldn't see that traffic was stopped til I turned into the on-ramp, and by then it was almost too late. I wasn't the only one though. I heard plenty of brakes squealing, and a little ways up, I saw that 2 cars had pulled over to the side of the ramp because of a little rear-ending drama. Damn, that was a close one!
I am really grumpy today. Partly because I am so sleepy (due to my crappy ass neighbor), and that I am just feeling like crap. Ever since I got back from vacation, I have been getting headaches and the joint pain has been pretty bad too. I think I figured out why. It is from this crappy Bakersfield air. When I was in New Mexico at the cabin, the air was so clean. It was great. But then I get back to this brown, smoggy Bakersfield air, and my head suddenly feels like it wants to explode. Smog sucks. Sometimes I hate this place.
My mom called me over the weekend to say that my grandma's house had been sold. I didn't think it would sell so soon. I feel a little sad knowing that someone else will be living there. But I think my grandma's neighbors will be happy to see it not empty anymore.
The celebration of life in honor of my aunt Marge will be toward the end of August. I asked for 2 days off so I could go to it, but my boss said she would be out that week, but she would "see what she could do." Fuck. I will call in sick if they say I can't have the time off. It was my mom's sister for crying out loud. I wanna be there for her. Screw work. Just screw it.
Nevermind. My boss just told me that I can have those days off. Guess I was jumping the gun a little bit.
Just a little bit - hehe.
Yep, I am one Grumpy Gus today.
Random Fact of The Day
In West Virginia if you run over an animal, you can legally take it home and cook it for dinner.
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
"In case you ever find yourself in a hostile situation or, God forbid, a Raiders home game, today I'm going to pass along the lessons I learned in Fright School, as recorded in my notes. My first note says, 'cargo pants,' because that's what the instructor was wearing. He was a muscular, military-looking British guy who was quite cheerful, considering that he ended roughly every fourth sentence with: 'And if THAT happens, you're going to die.' The instructor began by reviewing the various kinds of hostile situations we, as journalists, might encounter. The three main points I got from that were:
1. A lot of things can happen.
2. All of these can kill you.
3. So DON'T PANIC."
1. A lot of things can happen.
2. All of these can kill you.
3. So DON'T PANIC."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(Ozzy Osbourne, eat your heart out)
Man accused of biting off rooster's head
NEW YORK - A man accused of biting the head off his pet rooster was arrested Friday and faces up to a year in prison if convicted, an animal protection spokesman said.
A neighbor had complained about a dead rooster near his Manhattan apartment and agents found the body of the beheaded rooster on a fire escape, said Joe Pentangelo, spokesman for the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. The rooster's head was not located.
Humberto Rodriguez, 52, told agents that he bit the rooster's head off because he blamed it for injuring a pet pigeon that he also kept in the apartment, Pentangelo said.
Rodriguez is charged with animal cruelty and could face up to a year in prison if convicted. It is also illegal to possess a live rooster in New York City, Pentangelo said.
Pentangelo said Friday night he did not know whether Rodriguez had a lawyer.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
So many doctors, so little time
Well, after the whole mail incident the other day, I went out to my mailbox and the mail I had put on hold had been delivered to my box. It was a relief, but I KNOW I had put on the card that I would pick it up in person at the post office.
And, no, there was no postcard from the doctor's office in there telling me that they had moved their office to Stockdale Highway. Grrrr. Well, at least now I know.
Speaking of the doctor, when I went to him on Tuesday, he told me that I could just call the office to get the referral I needed. Shit, if I would have known that in advance, I would have been able to save myself the trouble of driving across town and spending $15 to see him in person. More grrrrr.
I had 2 doctor's appointments yesterday. One for my rheumatologist and the other for the gyno. They had to do a complete blood panel so they took like 5 or 6 vials of blood (I don't know for sure...I never look at the blood when it is coming out of me - gross) and made me pee in a cup. It was so fun! This time, my arm only got a little bruised from the needle. I think they are getting better at taking blood (hehe). The doctor also prescribed me some stuff to help me sleep, since I never get a full night's sleep. Guess that is why I am so cranky all of the time - hehe.
I am so glad I only have to go to the gyno once a year now. I was having to go every 6 months cuz of the abnormal paps, but now that I am "normal" again (yeah, yeah...go ahead and laugh about that - I know you want to), I only have to make the yearly visit. Which is good, cuz frankly I am not so thrilled about having that cold, metal thing shoved in my vagina. Why can't they make those things more comfortable?!?!? Now, if they made them so that they were all nice and warm and added a little vibration to them, I think he would double his business I dunno, but to me, there is nothing more uncomfortable that going to the gyno. The whole metal speculum thing in the vagina, and the pelvic exam and then the pushing around on my boobs.....ugh. It is kind of like a really bad date. Except you have to pay for it.
I was so tired after work that I fell asleep while watching tv and didn't wake up til like 10:30. ZZZZZ. I really hope those pills help me sleep better, cuz I have been such a zombie lately.
Is it nap time yet?
And, no, there was no postcard from the doctor's office in there telling me that they had moved their office to Stockdale Highway. Grrrr. Well, at least now I know.
Speaking of the doctor, when I went to him on Tuesday, he told me that I could just call the office to get the referral I needed. Shit, if I would have known that in advance, I would have been able to save myself the trouble of driving across town and spending $15 to see him in person. More grrrrr.
I had 2 doctor's appointments yesterday. One for my rheumatologist and the other for the gyno. They had to do a complete blood panel so they took like 5 or 6 vials of blood (I don't know for sure...I never look at the blood when it is coming out of me - gross) and made me pee in a cup. It was so fun! This time, my arm only got a little bruised from the needle. I think they are getting better at taking blood (hehe). The doctor also prescribed me some stuff to help me sleep, since I never get a full night's sleep. Guess that is why I am so cranky all of the time - hehe.
I am so glad I only have to go to the gyno once a year now. I was having to go every 6 months cuz of the abnormal paps, but now that I am "normal" again (yeah, yeah...go ahead and laugh about that - I know you want to), I only have to make the yearly visit. Which is good, cuz frankly I am not so thrilled about having that cold, metal thing shoved in my vagina. Why can't they make those things more comfortable?!?!? Now, if they made them so that they were all nice and warm and added a little vibration to them, I think he would double his business I dunno, but to me, there is nothing more uncomfortable that going to the gyno. The whole metal speculum thing in the vagina, and the pelvic exam and then the pushing around on my boobs.....ugh. It is kind of like a really bad date. Except you have to pay for it.
I was so tired after work that I fell asleep while watching tv and didn't wake up til like 10:30. ZZZZZ. I really hope those pills help me sleep better, cuz I have been such a zombie lately.
Is it nap time yet?
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
10 Good Things About Living in Bakersfield
1. The fog in the winter gives you a chance to use your imagination. You have to imagine that you can see the road. You have to imagine that you can see the cars in front of you. And you can imagine that you are living somewhere else.
2. In the summer, you can leave your dinner in the car in the morning and it will cook itself while you work. So, by the time you get off work, your dinner is done.
3. The brown, smoggy sky is a nice change from that boring blue.
4. Who needs the smell of flowers when you have that fresh, dairy, cow-poopey smell?
5. Concrete is so much prettier than trees.
6. The hot summers make you appreciate the cool days of fall and spring even more.
7. You don't need to use your dryer in the summer. Just hang your wet clothes outside for a few minutes and wah-la: dry clothes!
8. You can use the "unhealthy" air conditions as an excuse for not going outdoors to exercise.
9. Surviving a heat wave is no problem. We are used to it.
10. The home prices are cheap compared to the rest of California, because we practically have to pay people to live here.
2. In the summer, you can leave your dinner in the car in the morning and it will cook itself while you work. So, by the time you get off work, your dinner is done.
3. The brown, smoggy sky is a nice change from that boring blue.
4. Who needs the smell of flowers when you have that fresh, dairy, cow-poopey smell?
5. Concrete is so much prettier than trees.
6. The hot summers make you appreciate the cool days of fall and spring even more.
7. You don't need to use your dryer in the summer. Just hang your wet clothes outside for a few minutes and wah-la: dry clothes!
8. You can use the "unhealthy" air conditions as an excuse for not going outdoors to exercise.
9. Surviving a heat wave is no problem. We are used to it.
10. The home prices are cheap compared to the rest of California, because we practically have to pay people to live here.
Random Fact of The Day
In America in 1977, the punishment for smuggling marijiuana was 15 years less than the punishment for smuggling coffee.
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
"When I got into journalism, I expected to do many things, but none of them involved standing on a colleague's groin. Recently, however, I learned that I might be called upon to do exactly that. I learned this in Fright School, which is formerly known as Hostile Environment Training. This is a course, taught by corporate security consultants, that teaches you what to do if you find yourself in a situation involving dangerous elements such as terrorists, kidnappers, robbers, rioters, or fans of the Oakland Raiders."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(I love chewing gum.)
Marijuana gumballs found at Md. school
ELLICOTT CITY, Md. - Federal drug agents aren't laughing about marijuana packaged in yellow, smiley-faced gumballs.
The "Greenades" gumballs were found in January at Howard High School in Ellicott City. The federal Drug Enforcement Agency recently released an intelligence bulletin about them.
"It's a new idea and it's new to the DEA," Gregory Lee, a retired supervisory special agent of the Drug Enforcement Agency, told The Baltimore Examiner. "When it comes to drug dealing, you're only limited by your imagination."
Police charged three 17-year-old students after a teacher alerted a school resource officer. She told the officer that she saw a student give a plastic bag that the teacher believed contained drugs to another student.
The officer seized the bag, which contained two "candy balls" wrapped in foil, police said. Instructions on the foil told users to chew for 30 minutes to 1 hour before they wanted to be high and to "chew for as long as possible, then swallow."
Officers charged two students with distribution of drugs on school property and a third with possession of marijuana.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
A Love Letter to Shaquille O'Neal
"Dear Shaq:
Welcome to the Heat! You're going to love South Florida. The fans down here are terrific! We're with you, win or lose. OK, I'm lying. We're only with you if you win. Oh, we'll cut you some slack for a while, but after that you will pretty much have to provide us with an NBA championship. Because we REALLY like winners down here, Shaq. When the Panthers were winning, we even loved ice hockey, for a period of several hours. And we loved Don Shula. He was a winner, and the people of South Florida worshipped him as a god. I do not mean that figuratively, Shaq: Goats were sacrificed."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time...
Man survives run-in with falling dog in Poland
WARSAW (Reuters) - A man was bruised but alive on Wednesday after a Saint Bernard dog thrown out a two-story window landed on him as he was walking down the street in the southern-Polish city of Sosnowiec.
The 50-kg (110-pound) dog was pushed out of the window by its drunken owner on Monday, police said.
"The dog had a soft landing because it fell on a man," said police spokesman Grzegorz Wierzbicki. "The dog escaped with just a few scratches."
"The man was also more in a psychological state of shock than physically hurt," Wierzbicki added.
The one-year-old dog, named Oskar, was placed in an animal shelter while police investigate its owners for animal abuse.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
The Constitution Conundrum
Chapter Seven
"...and so you see," concluded the president, "you two uncovered a shocking and fascinating secret that, if it should ever get out, could change the course of history."
"Mr. President," said Desiree, "thank you for that riveting and satisfying explanation, which will be fleshed out into much greater detail once there is a publishing contract."
"Also," noted Hugh, "we may use some beverage other than Snapple, depending on what kind of product-placement deals can be worked out."
"Good," said the president. "Now can I have the Constitution back?"
They all enjoyed a hearty laugh, for they knew that the movie rights were also available.
(end of book)
Stupid News Story of The Day
(When they make one that can drive and cook and clean, count me in.)
Are you a woman going solo? Try a blow-up man
LONDON (Reuters) - He fits in a car's glove box, appears at a flick of a switch and when a woman has finished using him, she can just pull the plug and he deflates.
He's the "Buddy on Demand," a blow-up man launched on Tuesday with the aim of making solo female motorists feel less nervous about driving at night.
According to research by the inflatable friend's creator, insurer Sheilas' Wheels, 82 percent of women feel safer with someone sitting in the car beside them and nearly a half don't like driving alone in the dark.
"We're not saying that an inflatable man is the only answer but we do hope it will give women extra confidence and make journeys in the dark less fearful," said Jacky Brown, the spokeswoman for Sheilas' Wheels.
Oh the weather outside is frightful...
Well, I am back to work after being off for 2 weeks. Can I get a "whoop whoop"? Just kidding. While I am not thrilled at the prospect of having to get up early every morning just to come here and spend 10 hours at work, I am also glad there is air conditioning here, since it is freakin' hot outside! It is not even 10 am yet and it is already 95 degrees outside. I went to bed last night around midnight and it was still 93 degrees outside. It is supposed to be 109 today with a low of 82. I would like to know just exactly when this "low" occurs. 3 a.m.? 4 a.m.? Why is it only cooler when I am alseep? That is just plain wrong! You know it is even more wrong when the news that it will "cool off" to the mid 90's is considered good news. It is supposed to be a "chilly" 92 on Sunday, then it will slowly go back up to the 100's again. Damned summer weather. Summers can kiss my sunburned, sweaty ass.
I took yesterday off as a vacation day to recuperate from the traveling and also because I had a doctor's appointment and had to go to the post office to pick up my mail. But, yesterday, it turns out, just wasn't my day. First, I go to the doctor's office, only to find that they had moved. I called them and the receptionist said they had mailed out postcards to let everyone know they moved. Well, since I was out of town for 2 weeks, I had no clue. So I had to reschedule my appointment to this afternoon, which means I have to drag my ass into my hotter than hot car in the afternoon to drive all the way across town for a 15 minute appointment. It will take me longer to drive there than it will take for the doctor to hand me my referral to the opthomologist (since that is the only reason I have to go to him anyway).
The mail......oh the mail. They never get anything right. I went to the post office yesterday to pick up my mail, since I had placed a vacation hold on it and stated that I would pick it up on July 24th. Well, I got there and they told me there was no mail back there for me. There was also no mail in my mailbox. So where my mail went is a mystery. It will probably all show up at once. Who knows. All I know is that this is the 2nd time the vacation hold thing got screwed up on my mail.
After the whole doctor's office and post office fiascos, I decided it was time for lunch. I went to El Pollo Loco to get a Pollo Bowl and some churros. So I went thru the drive-thru and got my food and when I got home I discovered that my churros were AWOL. Oh well. It just wasn't my day I guess.
I finally got around to posting my travel narrative on my blog. Click HERE to read all about it and to see pictures. It is long. You have been warned.
I took yesterday off as a vacation day to recuperate from the traveling and also because I had a doctor's appointment and had to go to the post office to pick up my mail. But, yesterday, it turns out, just wasn't my day. First, I go to the doctor's office, only to find that they had moved. I called them and the receptionist said they had mailed out postcards to let everyone know they moved. Well, since I was out of town for 2 weeks, I had no clue. So I had to reschedule my appointment to this afternoon, which means I have to drag my ass into my hotter than hot car in the afternoon to drive all the way across town for a 15 minute appointment. It will take me longer to drive there than it will take for the doctor to hand me my referral to the opthomologist (since that is the only reason I have to go to him anyway).
The mail......oh the mail. They never get anything right. I went to the post office yesterday to pick up my mail, since I had placed a vacation hold on it and stated that I would pick it up on July 24th. Well, I got there and they told me there was no mail back there for me. There was also no mail in my mailbox. So where my mail went is a mystery. It will probably all show up at once. Who knows. All I know is that this is the 2nd time the vacation hold thing got screwed up on my mail.
After the whole doctor's office and post office fiascos, I decided it was time for lunch. I went to El Pollo Loco to get a Pollo Bowl and some churros. So I went thru the drive-thru and got my food and when I got home I discovered that my churros were AWOL. Oh well. It just wasn't my day I guess.
I finally got around to posting my travel narrative on my blog. Click HERE to read all about it and to see pictures. It is long. You have been warned.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
I am back!
Route 66 scrapbook page - click on the picture for a bigger view
will post more pictures soon. : )
Posted by Picasa
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Friday, July 07, 2006
Vacation's all I ever wanted....
That's right. I am officially on vacation. Be seeing you.......in 2 weeks. hehe
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO TRAVELING BY AIR
"JOKING AROUND WITH THE SECURITY PERSONNEL: Airport security personnel are a wacky and fun-loving group who are bored to death from spending eight hours a day reminding morons to have their boarding passes and photo IDs ready. There is nothing they enjoy more than a good joke or prank, such as the one where you give a victim a can that says 'peanut brittle,' and when he opens it, giant spring-loaded worms come shooting out. Ha ha! That always sets off a round of hearty knee-slapping at the checkpoint. Yes, if you just use your common sense this vacation season, instead of wasting your summer waiting in long hectic lines at the airport, you can spend your time relaxing in the quiet privacy of your federal detention cell. Which is just as well, because your flight was canceled."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(Sir, there's a mouse in my soup!)
Woman jailed for mouse-in-soup scam
NEWPORT NEWS, Va. - A woman who tried to extort money from the Cracker Barrel restaurant chain by putting a dead mouse in a bowl of soup was sentenced to a year in jail.
Carla Patterson, 38, and her 22-year-old son, Ricky Patterson, sought $500,000 from the chain after claiming they found the rodent in the vegetable soup the woman ordered at a Newport News restaurant on Mother's Day weekend in 2004.
A jury convicted the Pattersons of conspiracy to commit extortion in April. The Pattersons maintained their innocence, but evidence included tests showed the mouse had not been cooked and had not drowned but instead died of a fractured skull.
Carla Patterson wept Wednesday as a judge imposed the jail sentence and a $2,500 fine. Defense lawyer Michael Woods said Patterson plans to appeal.
Ricky Patterson's sentencing, which had been scheduled for Wednesday, was postponed until Sept. 14. He is at Virginia Peninsula Regional Jail in Williamsburg after pleading guilty to forgery in an unrelated check-fraud case.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Caption This!
Years of constant nagging by his wife have turned Mike Banks, 35 years of age, into an old man.
Post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
"Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON 'FAST FORWARD', THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?"
Stupid News Story of The Day
(I just couldn't take any more of his snoring.)
Man prefers jail to being at home with grandpa
ROME (Reuters) - An Italian man escaped from house arrest and begged police to put him in jail because he could not bear living with his grandfather, his lawyer said Monday.
The 30-year old, who could only be identified by his initials A.M., had been placed under house arrest for six months in the Sardinian town of Sassari after a scuffle with a policeman.
But he escaped, and Sunday showed up at a police station in the northern city of Genoa, asking them to arrest him and put him in a cell.
"He said he could not face staying with his grandpa anymore," defense lawyer Pietro Bogliolo told Reuters by phone.
The lawyer said he did not know what the problem between the two was. "It's probably irreconcilable differences," he said.
A Genoa court however ruled Monday that A.M. should return to his grandfather's house and spend an additional two months and 20 days there because of his escape.
Saturday, a Sicilian man also asked police to put him in prison rather than have him confined to his house, saying he did not have enough money to buy himself food. He later returned to house arrest after police gave him food supplies for a few days.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Things that make me go hmmmmmmm
I saw this commercial today for some tool that will get rid of your pet's hair so your pet won't shed, thereby eliminating the pet hair that gets all over the carpets, couches, etc. All fine and dandy so far. But, then they went on to say that they are including, FREE OF CHARGE, a lint remover that will also remove shedded pet hair. Now, why would you need this if the darned tool that they are sending you will eliminate that shedded hair??? That question has been driving me nuts all day.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Mondays usually suck, but...
It's Monday, and ordinarily, I would be saying, "this sucks," or "Mondays bite," or "oh woe is me." But not today. Why, might you ask? Why is this Monday-hating-sleepy person unable to say that today sucks? Well, I will tell you why. It is just a mere 4 days til I go on vacation for 2 weeks. Yesssirrreee, buddy. 2 weeks of no work! Yesssssssssss.
I am going to New Mexico for my vacation, and the best part is I don't have to drive!! I am gonna be able to sit my ass in the car and actually enjoy the scenery and be able to nap when I want and to read a book or listen to my cd player or just daydream. I am gonna take pictures...tons of pictures. I have 3 camera batteries all charged up and ready to go and 2 empty memory cards (1 512KB and a 1GB card) so I will be able to take tons and tons of pictures. I al so looking forward to getting out of this hot, ass city and head out to the mountains. I wanna go already!
We are leaving for New Mexico on Saturday so, as of Friday, there won't be any blogging from me for a long while. So don't worry. I am not disappearing from the face of the earth....just from Bakersfield (hehe). If I can figure out the whole mobile blogging thing, then maybe I might be able to post pictures from my cell phone on here. I gotta figure out how that works first though - lol.
I am so excited cuz I am gonna get to see Carlsbad Caverns. I have ALWAYS wanted to go there, ever since I was a little kid of about 5 or 6 and saw pictures of the caverns. It is the second place on my list of places I wanna see in my lifetime...first being Yellowstone National Park. I am so stoked about going. I can't wait.
With all this excitement, you'd think I would have already taken off. But no. I have to wait a few more days for that. But it's all good. I am off tomorrow for the 4th of July, and off on Friday, so this week will only be a 3 day work week for me. Yippeeeeeee. Vacation, here I come.
I am going to New Mexico for my vacation, and the best part is I don't have to drive!! I am gonna be able to sit my ass in the car and actually enjoy the scenery and be able to nap when I want and to read a book or listen to my cd player or just daydream. I am gonna take pictures...tons of pictures. I have 3 camera batteries all charged up and ready to go and 2 empty memory cards (1 512KB and a 1GB card) so I will be able to take tons and tons of pictures. I al so looking forward to getting out of this hot, ass city and head out to the mountains. I wanna go already!
We are leaving for New Mexico on Saturday so, as of Friday, there won't be any blogging from me for a long while. So don't worry. I am not disappearing from the face of the earth....just from Bakersfield (hehe). If I can figure out the whole mobile blogging thing, then maybe I might be able to post pictures from my cell phone on here. I gotta figure out how that works first though - lol.
I am so excited cuz I am gonna get to see Carlsbad Caverns. I have ALWAYS wanted to go there, ever since I was a little kid of about 5 or 6 and saw pictures of the caverns. It is the second place on my list of places I wanna see in my lifetime...first being Yellowstone National Park. I am so stoked about going. I can't wait.
With all this excitement, you'd think I would have already taken off. But no. I have to wait a few more days for that. But it's all good. I am off tomorrow for the 4th of July, and off on Friday, so this week will only be a 3 day work week for me. Yippeeeeeee. Vacation, here I come.
Caption This!
Was it a case of woman bites dog or dog bites woman? Find out after the break.
post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.
Random Fact of The Day
It takes about 63,000 trees to make the newsprint for the average Sunday edition of The New York Times.
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO TRAVELING BY AIR
"HOW TO GO THROUGH THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT: Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready. Remove all your possessions from your pockets and put them in a plastic tray. Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready. Remove your belt, shoes, pacemakers, and any large dental fillings and put them in another plastic tray. Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready. Remove your laptop computer and put this in another plastic tray. FOR GOD'S SAKE HAVE YOUR BOARDING PASS AND PHOTO ID READY. Put everything - trays, bags, children under two - on the moving belt, then stand in a nonterroristic manner until the security person signals to you, at which time, while holding your boarding pass and photo ID up nonthreateningly, you should shuffle meekly forward until your pants fall to the floor."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(Bad monkey!)
Monkey on the run in Virginia
ROANOKE, Va. - A Japanese monkey aptly named Oops bolted from the Roanoke city zoo, sparking a park-wide shutdown as staff searched the surrounding forest where they could hear her in the trees.
The 20-pound Japanese macaque and her family were being moved from their holding cells to the exhibit for routine feeding and cleaning when she got away Sunday morning, said David Jobe, education curator at Mill Mountain Zoo. She was still on the run Monday morning.
"We hope that because they're active in the daytime, she slept last night and woke up this morning hungry," Jobe said. "We hope to take advantage of a hungry monkey."
At 11, Oops is the youngest of four so-called snow monkeys at the zoo. The furry, light brown monkey with the red face got her name because the others were not supposed to reproduce.
Jobe said he believes she is staying in the forest so she can be in earshot of her family. It's her first trip out of the zoo, and while the staff hadn't seen her since Sunday morning, they heard her throughout the day Sunday as they searched in the forest that surrounds the zoo, he said.
"Part of our concern for her is that it's the first time she's ever been anywhere else and we're sure she's frightened," Jobe said.
The four-acre zoo, which sits on a mountain inside a Roanoke city park, had never had an escape from its grounds in its 55 years until Sunday, Jobe said. At some point while the monkeys were being shifted, either a zoo employee made a mistake or a piece of equipment malfunctioned, Jobe said.
Both the zoo and park were closed on of the busiest weekends of the year for the search. About 75,000 people usually visit the zoo each year.
"Hopefully it will work to our advantage that she escaped alone," Jobe said, adding that if she were with another monkey they would be more apt to explore.
He urged anyone who spots the macaque to call 911 and not try to capture her because she could be dangerous if she feels threatened. Japanese macaques, native to Japan, are typically 2 to 4 feet long and have relatively short tails.
___
On the Net:
http://www.mmzoo.org/
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Must Suck TV
After watching some REALLY cheesy movies tonight, I am dubbing the Sci-Fi Channel as "Must Suck TV." Earlier today, this stupid movie called House of the Dead was on. It was about these stupid kids who go to an island for a party and end up being food for zombies.
Later, I was "treated" to this movie called Jolly Roger, which was about some silly pirate who liked cutting people's heads off and making stupid jokes while doing it. I don't know what was worse...the acting, the stupid death scenes or me for having watched it. Just when I think I have seen the lamest movie on earth, I see another movie that is even worse.
Next up is Jason X. Yeah, Jason. He STILL isn't dead. After all of these movies, why is Jason still so mad??? He got the stupid campers and avenged his mother's death already, so why is he still so pissed off? He needs to take a vacation. And somebody get that boy a prescription for some valium!
At least tomorrow the annual Twilight Zone marathon starts. That will redeem the Sci-Fi Channel for a few days at least.
Later, I was "treated" to this movie called Jolly Roger, which was about some silly pirate who liked cutting people's heads off and making stupid jokes while doing it. I don't know what was worse...the acting, the stupid death scenes or me for having watched it. Just when I think I have seen the lamest movie on earth, I see another movie that is even worse.
Next up is Jason X. Yeah, Jason. He STILL isn't dead. After all of these movies, why is Jason still so mad??? He got the stupid campers and avenged his mother's death already, so why is he still so pissed off? He needs to take a vacation. And somebody get that boy a prescription for some valium!
At least tomorrow the annual Twilight Zone marathon starts. That will redeem the Sci-Fi Channel for a few days at least.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
A warped mind
I don't have much to say today, except for, yes it is gonna be hot again, and yes, I am sleepy again....but these days, those two things apply to everyday - lol.
I was watching tv last night when a commercial for one of those memory foam mattresses came on. Now, I would love to have one of those things, but they are hella expensive - like $1000 or more. I am sorry, but I don't have a grand to spend on a mattress. BUT....if you request info on the mattress, they do send you a piece of this temper-pedic foam (developed by NASA!) in the mail. I figure, if I get enough people to request info on the bed, then if they all give me their free samples, I will have enough foam to make my own bed for free. Who's with me?
I was watching tv last night when a commercial for one of those memory foam mattresses came on. Now, I would love to have one of those things, but they are hella expensive - like $1000 or more. I am sorry, but I don't have a grand to spend on a mattress. BUT....if you request info on the mattress, they do send you a piece of this temper-pedic foam (developed by NASA!) in the mail. I figure, if I get enough people to request info on the bed, then if they all give me their free samples, I will have enough foam to make my own bed for free. Who's with me?
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
Beginner's Guide To Traveling By Air
"PROHIBITED OBJECTS: You may not take knives, guns, spears, spear guns, flamethrowers, catapults, missiles, armored personnel carriers, GI Joe dolls, sharp objects or cheeses, scary animals such as squid, pointy Madonna-style brassieres, or anything else that could be used to inflict harm, such as a DVD of the movie Gigli. If you know karate or kung fu, you may take your hands on board, but you must keep them clasped tightly under your armpits throughout the flight. You may carry nail clippers, provided that you padlock them shut and give the key to the pilot upon boarding."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(When you gotta watch, you gotta watch!)
Man pulls TV from house fire to watch match
BEIJING (Reuters) - A Beijing football fan refused to let the small matter of his house burning down disturb his enjoyment of Tuesday's World Cup match between France and Spain.
A fire broke out in a hutong in the centre of the Chinese capital at 3am local time on Wednesday -- kickoff time in Hanover -- and gutted the traditional courtyard dwelling, the Beijing Daily Messenger reported.
"When the neighbours shouted 'fire!', I took my little baby and ran out in my nightclothes," the man's wife told the paper.
"My husband paid no attention to the danger, just grabbed the television and put it under his arm.
"After getting out of the house, he then set about finding an electric socket to plug in and continue watching his game."
The anti-social timing of the matches broadcast from Germany, which is six hours behind China, has forced some Chinese fans to go to great lengths to follow the action.
One man quit his job in Beijing to return to his hometown Chongqing so he could watch the whole tournament uninterrupted.
State news agency Xinhua reported that the 23-year-old's boss at the IT company had offered him a pay rise, but he turned it down flat, saying the World Cup was more important than his job.
The Guangzhou Daily reported that local police were forced to release a thief arrested for stealing a mobile phone when the victim refused to press charges because he did not want to miss the start of a match.
Although there are also many female World Cup fans in China, one man in the southeastern city had to sign a contract with his wife agreeing to do all the housework during the month of the finals so he could watch the matches at night.
Another from Putian, Fujian province, took a less diplomatic approach, Xinhua reported.
When his cheers during the Argentina-Ivory Coast match woke his wife and she switched off the television, he locked her in their bedroom and settled back down to watch the game ignoring her loud protests.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Random Fact of The Day
Crocodile babies don't have sex chromosomes; the temperature at which the egg develops determines gender.
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
The Constitution Conundrum
"Chapter Three
'Yes,' said Hugh, 'incredible as it seems, there are extra words written in the margin of the U.S. Constitution, and nobody ever noticed them until now! They appear to be in some kind of code.'
'Let me look,' said Desiree. 'In addition to being gorgeous, I am a trained code breaker. Oh my God!'
'What is it?' asked Hugh in an excited yet concerned tone of voice. 'The message,' said Desiree, 'is....'
But just then, the chapter ended."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(Up, up and......oops.)
'Superhero' tells fans not to imitate stunts
MUMBAI (Reuters) - Bollywood's new flying superhero has asked fans, especially children, not to imitate his onscreen death-defying stunts after a man leapt off a cinema balcony in central India, breaking his leg.
"The action scenes are meant to be enjoyed, not imitated. Please do not indulge in these stunts," Hrithik Roshan, who plays "Krrish," a Superman-style hero who saves the world from a mad scientist, wrote in a newspaper on Monday.
Newspapers said at least two people had hurt themselves trying to imitate the stunts from the film that opened last week.
A 24-year-old man was in a hospital with a fractured leg in the central city of Bhopal after he leapt from a cinema balcony and landed on the audience below.
An 11-year-old boy also suffered injuries in a separate accident, newspapers said, but no details were given.
"Those action scenes are dangerous... I did the action scenes with full safety precaution," Roshan said.
"...stop scaring me by trying to do my stunts in Krrish."
The $10 million "Krrish" opened to huge box-office collections, as children and adults made a beeline to watch Bollywood's own superhero leap from tall buildings, beat up the baddies and woo his lady love with song and dance.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
PETA in bikinis
There is a protest going on across the street at KFC. It is a big protest. It is a 4-person crusade to keep people from going to KFC. Yes, PETA is protesting outside of KFC....and some of them are in bikinis.
Granted, it is hot outside, but do you think people are gonna take you seriously when you are outside in the 100+ degree weather in bikinis and high heels, waving around a sign like a lunatic? If anything, you are gonna attract KFC even more business (probably of the male kind), and maybe a few "customers" of your own. It is Union Ave after all (to those non-Bako people, Union Ave is well-known for the hookers who roam the streets, holding down their corners). Too funny. Only in Bako would people protest in bikinis.
Hope they wore sunscreen!
Granted, it is hot outside, but do you think people are gonna take you seriously when you are outside in the 100+ degree weather in bikinis and high heels, waving around a sign like a lunatic? If anything, you are gonna attract KFC even more business (probably of the male kind), and maybe a few "customers" of your own. It is Union Ave after all (to those non-Bako people, Union Ave is well-known for the hookers who roam the streets, holding down their corners). Too funny. Only in Bako would people protest in bikinis.
Hope they wore sunscreen!
Do not sleep and drive
I was watching tv last night....a really STUPID movie as a matter of fact called Leeches which was worse even than that piece of crap Miner's Massacre, but I digress ... when a commercial for Lunesta came on. As many people know by now, since the danged commercial is on like every 10 minutes, Lunesta is a sleep aid. Well, as they were reading off the list of side effects, which were many, they said probably the most stupid thing I have ever heard..."Until you know how Lunesta will affect you, do not drive while taking it." Ok. Here's the conundrum.... Lunesta equals sleep. To drive, you must not be asleep. To drive, you need to be awake. So why on earth do they need to tell people not to drive while taking a sleep medication?
Why? I will tell you why. Because people are STUPID. I am sure even Forrest Gump would tell you that taking sleeping pills before driving is just a plain idiotic thing to do. But people are, and will always be, STUPID. That is why we have to have warning labels on coffee, a traditionally HOT beverage, telling people it is, in fact, hot. That is why we have warning labels on windshield shades telling us to remove the shade before driving. That is why we have instruction labels on shampoo bottles telling us how to use their product, because God help us if we forget that critical rinse step in the hair washing process. That, my friends, is why we have a label telling us not to drive after taking a pill that is designed to make us fall asleep.
I feel almost offended that they actually have instructions on a shampoo bottle. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but even I know how to use shampoo. It is not like I am gonna stand there, bottle in hand, wondering what to do with it. Open....squeeze out shampoo....lather into hair...rinse....and repeat if you really want to or if you have really dirty hair It is a simple process. Common sense will tell you how to do it. I imagine even if there were no instruction label on the bottle, even a chimp could figure out how to use the stuff. But, we are STUPID. We need instruction labels to tell us that a Hot Pocket, after you heat it up in the microwave, will, in fact, be HOT. C'mon. The name of the product alone gives that away. If it were called Cold Pocket, I could, perhaps, see a need for a label. But it's a HOT Pocket....HOT! A label should not be needed here.
There are certain things that really don't need much explanation. Like knives. Knives cut through bread and steak and other food things, so it would be safe to assume that you might not want to use that knife on, let's say, your finger (unless you are REALLY hungry). Common sense would tell you that a cutting tool could maybe, you know, cut you. Same thing with a saw or a drill. Anything that is gonna do some damage to food, wood, or metal or anything else that is tough to do damage to will do damage to you, too, if you use it on yourself. So you might not wanna do that. Keep the pointy end away from your skin.
Other things, like a computer, are a little more complicated and need an instruction manual so that the owner of the product can throw it away and then complain that the thing doesn't work when he or she can't turn it on.
Then, there are the really stupid warning labels that say things like "keep chainsaw away from genitals." Someone somewhere must have actually done that at one time, you would think, because who on earth would think of putting a chainsaw down there??? Oh yeah. STUPID people.
So the next time you pop a Lunesta and then think, "It sure is a nice night for a drive," remember...without people like you, warning label writers would be out of a job.
Caption This!
Due to budget constraints and a lack of available playing fields, the next World Cup will be played underwater with turtles serving as goalies.
post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.
Why does life have to suck so much?
My mom called me yesterday afternoon, telling me she had gotten a message from her sister, and for the first time since she was diagnosed with cancer, she sounded very down, saying things were about the same, but she was "slowing down." I know this is not a good sign, because my aunt Marge was always very positive and very determined. But now, it sounds like she has finally given up the fight. I don't expect her to last too much longer, and I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. I mean, I know she is in a great deal of pain and to be away from that pain would be a good thing, yet it must be so hard for my poor uncle to have to watch his wife slowly die like that. I know he doesn't want her to go. It is just a bad situation all around, and my poor mom is clearly stressed and sad over it all. I hate to see her so sad like that. It hurts me to know she hurts. I was writing a note to my aunt on a card and sending her some pictures of Yosemite to maybe cheer her up, but I found myself at a loss for words. What do you write on a card like that? You can't say "Hope you get well soon," or anything like that, because, well, we all know she is not going to get well. And to say that I hope she feels better just sounds stupid because I know she won't feel better no matter what. So, I just said "take care." Those words sound so small and stupid, but that was all I could write. That was all that I could think that would make any sense.
It just sucks...cancer, you know. I had to watch my grandma die earlier this year, and that was a hard thing to do. To watch her waste away. To have to watch her struggling to talk and to move. It was more than I could take. I can't even begin to imagine what my uncle Martin must be going thru, or her kids and grandkids. And I always find myself at a loss for words in situations like that. I never know what to say or do. I never know if something I say might cause them pain, so I often just shut up. I guess all a person can do in that situation is to offer their shoulder to cry on or to offer support. But that somehow seems so insignificant. Like it's not nearly enough. Yet it is all I can do.
I hate to start a morning on such a down note, but I had been thinking about it all last night and into this morning and just had to get it out of my system.
It just sucks...cancer, you know. I had to watch my grandma die earlier this year, and that was a hard thing to do. To watch her waste away. To have to watch her struggling to talk and to move. It was more than I could take. I can't even begin to imagine what my uncle Martin must be going thru, or her kids and grandkids. And I always find myself at a loss for words in situations like that. I never know what to say or do. I never know if something I say might cause them pain, so I often just shut up. I guess all a person can do in that situation is to offer their shoulder to cry on or to offer support. But that somehow seems so insignificant. Like it's not nearly enough. Yet it is all I can do.
I hate to start a morning on such a down note, but I had been thinking about it all last night and into this morning and just had to get it out of my system.
Random Fact of The Day
The lungfish can live out of water for three years in a state of suspended animation.
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
"On a recent Sunday afternoon on Biscayne Bay in Miami, I watched as twenty-eight teams of courageous young people - and here I am using the word 'courageous' in the sense of 'completely out of their minds' - competed in an event called 'Flugtag.' Flugtag (pronounced 'floog tog') is sponsored by Red Bull-brand extreme energy beverage, which tastes like Limp Bizkit sounds. I tried one, and it gave me a refreshing lift. I hope to be able to sleep again by Halloween. In Flugtag (which is German for either 'Flying Day' or 'Make Sure Everybody Signs a Liability Waiver') competitors build experimental, human-powered aircraft, then push them off a thirty-foot-high platform and see how far they can fly. The answer is: not very far."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(Fire is not the answer.)
Teen burns down house over test grades
TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese boy burned down his home, killing his stepmother and two younger siblings, for fear his parents would find out he had lied about his score on an English test.
The 16-year-old, whose name has not been released, is thought to have set fire to the house in Nara, western Japan, and left his stepmother to die along with his 7-year-old brother and 5-year-old sister, domestic media reports said on Saturday.
The boy's parents had been due to attend a meeting with teachers about his exam results that same day, reports said. The teen-ager told police his father, a doctor, had put him under extreme pressure over his academic performance, Kyodo news agency said.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Caption This!
>I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh-darnit, people like me!
Ok, 1 out of 3 aint' so bad, ya'll.
Post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.
It's draggin' ass Monday, and yes, mine is draggin'
God, it's Monday again. I hate Mondays. I hate them. I hate them! The only consolation I have is that I will be inside this nice, air-conditioned building while it is blazing hot outside, and it won't go on my PG&E bill - hehe. It is 8:30 am and already 86 degrees outside and the humidity is about 40%, which is high for us in B-Town, and I, frankly, am just not used to it - lol. It is pretty bad when the high temp is gonna be 105 and the low is gonna be 80. I looked and the low in Death Valley, one of the hottest places on the planet, is 89. The low temp here is only 9 degrees lower than one of the hottest places on earth. That is just plain wrong! Plain wrong I tell you! WRONG!
I am already getting a headache, too. I just sincerely hope it doesn't become a migraine. Oh please, spare me a migraine. Please!
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
The Constitution Conundrum
Chapter Two
"'What is it?' said a woman Heckman had never seen before who happened to be standing next to him. She was extremely beautiful, but wore glasses as a sign of intelligence.
'My name is Desiree Legume,' she said.
Heckman felt he could trust her.
'Look at this!' he said, pointing to the Constitution.
'My God, that's incredible!' said Desiree. 'It's going to be very surprising when we finally reveal what we're talking about!'
(End of Chapter)"
Stupid News Story of The Day
(There's nothing worse than a drunken old bird.)
Calif. pelicans held on suspicion of being drunk
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Four pelicans suspected of being drunk on sea algae were being tested at a Southern California wildlife centre on Saturday after one of them crashed headlong into a car.
Three of the California brown pelicans were found wandering dazed in the streets of Laguna Beach after another pelican struck a vehicle's windscreen on a nearby coast
It suffered internal injuries and a long gash in its pouch and was undergoing toxicology tests.
Officials at the Wildlife Care Centre said the seabirds may have been under the influence of algae in the ocean that can produce domoic acid poisoning when eaten.
The other pelicans were rounded up after assistant wildlife director Lisa Birkle warned the public to be on the lookout for birds acting "drunk," disoriented or being in an unusual place.
Shellfish tainted with domoic acid was thought to be the culprit behind a 1961 attack of seabirds on people and cars in the oceanside California town of Capitola that inspired Alfred Hitchcock's horror movie "The Birds."
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