Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"As I said, poker is sweeping the nation, and so recently I decided to experience it firsthand by going to the poker room at the Miccousukee Resort and Gaming Casino, located west of Miami right next to the Everglades, which makes it one of the few casinos in the world where not only can you gamble - excuse me, I mean 'game' - but also you can experience the excitement of knowing that you could be attacked by an alligator in the parking lot."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Dial 1-900-STUPID)

Bible Student Charged in Phone Sex Case

OWATONNA, Minn. - A student at Pillsbury Baptist Bible College was charged in the theft of his roommate's debit card, which was used to pay for more than $2,300 worth of calls to phone sex lines, prosecutors allege in court papers.

Shane Erin Mack, 20, of Belt, Mont., was charged with the gross misdemeanors of identity theft and theft by false representation. He made his first court appearance on Monday. Bail was set at $2,500. He remained in jail Tuesday afternoon.

Steele County prosecutor Scott Schrener said investigators only had documentation in hand for about $500 worth of calls, but the victim reported that $2,350 worth of calls had been made. Schrener said the criminal charges could be upgraded in the future.

The calls were made from March 23 to May 13, according to court papers.

Mack allegedly told investigators he admitted taking the debit card out of his roommate's wallet and using it to make up to 30 calls to adult phone lines from public phones on campus, the criminal complaint said.

College spokesman Tom Lawson said Mack would not be allowed to return to the school when classes resume in the fall. According to the college Web site, the college offers a Christian "education program which imparts a biblical worldview."

A call to the public defender who represented Mack in court on Monday was not immediately returned.

Mack's next court appearance was scheduled for June 1.

___

Information from: Owatonna People's Press, http://www.owatonna.com

The finale, finally

Well, tonight's American Idol finale had its ups and downs. Both Taylor and Katharine sang well, but the only show stopping, superstar performance was Katharine singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," which she did even better this time around. However, I think Taylor is gonna win. He had the most solid performances tonight, even if his second performance was rather lackluster. I did not like Katharine's final song at all. She was definitely better than that song. It was just plain boring. I don't know why she chose that one. Taylor did definitely better on his final song, and I think that is what the voters will remember. Sure, Katharine did the best peformance of the competition and has a great, strong voice, but will that be enough to carry her into the winner's circle...I don't think so. Bottom line: People love Taylor. Taylor is gonna win.

But then, this is American Idol. If Chris can get kicked off, anything can happen.

Employee of The Month

For all those people who wanted to see my employee of the month poster, well, here it is...



I had a good hair day that day, didn't I - hehe

Paint Shop is so fun!!!

Paint Shop Fun

Britney Spears is in trouble, once again. This time, it is for letting Michael Jackson babysit her son, Sean Preston...




Bad Britney!

(I had a little too much fun with Paint Shop last night - hehe)

Sorry, wrong number

Weirdness. This morning has been weirdness all around. First, I open my soda and it goes fizzing out all over my desk. Grrrr.. Now, my desk calendar is all soda-spotted. Then, I get a call on my cell phone from someone saying "where you at?" When I asked who it was, the person hung up. Then I get 2 text messages saying "hey bro, give me a call. I heard you turned it in Taft." I have NO idea what this means. Apparently people are calling and texting the wrong number today. It is so annoying. It is not the first time this has happened. A few weeks ago, this person kept calling me, insisting that my # was on her caller id. Well, I did not make any calls so there was no way my # could have been on her caller id, and I told her so. She called me like 2 more times, then finally gave up. Does someone else have my # or was it just a number close to mine? I dunno. The other night, someone called me at midnight asking for "Jessica." I just said " I am not Jessica, and I don't know who or where Jessica is," and hung up. Grrrrrrr.

Caption This!

After a series of exhausting tests, the truth about how many people it actually takes to screw in a lightbulb is found.

Post your own funny caption in a comment if you want.

Phobia of The Day

Doraphobia: Fear of fur or skins of animals.

Random Fact of The Day

Reindeer and caribou are the only species of deer where both the males and females grow antlers. It can happen in other species, but it is extremely rare.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"An alert Missouri reader sent in a newsletter from Rocky Mountain National Park containing this tip for visitors: 'Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(How come I am never there when something like this happens?)

Malfunction Cuts Gas Price to 29 Cents

HAMMOND, Ind. - When a pump at a gas station malfunctioned, opportunistic motorists were able to buy gas for 29 cents per gallon.

A Marathon station sold a gallon of fuel for less than the price of a first-class stamp for about 90 minutes Friday before the mistake was detected and and the price corrected to $2.79.

While still answering questions from customers about why the price had suddenly gone up, clerk Nida Tayyab said more than 50 people had crowded the store, likely thinking the mishap was a price promotion, and received the bargain. Normally, the station serves about 10 people per hour.

"I was really confused," she said. "It was so messed up. I can't explain here how it was."

When Tayyab figured out what was going on, she called her father, who works at another store, for help fixing the situation.

"It's fine now. It's all working," Tayyab added.

Oops she did it yet again

Yeah, Britney almost dropped her baby while walking through a crowd, drink in one hand, Sean P in the other. Luckily, her bodyguard was there to save poor Sean P from a head-pounding on the pavement. Check out this footage I found on perezhilton.com...



This kid will be lucky to live to puberty at this rate! That kid, as soon as he gets old enough, should kick Britney's ass for 1) marrying that dumbass K-Fed, 2) for letting K-Fed impregnate her, and 3) for almost killing him...again. And then when he's done with Britney, he should kick K-Fed's ass for 1) wearing corn rows, 2) looking like a total bum, and 3) being a total bum. And a good extra kick just for being so stupid! I can't believe that Britney is gonna have another kid with that loser. She better be careful. Remember that Kevin left his former girlfriend after baby #2. And now that Britney is all trailer-trashy like him, he is gonna go looking for a new baby mamma.

In the meantime, all seems well in the Federspears world. Here is a nice picture of the happy family...



I am almost positive that Sean P's first words will be "no drop me momma" or "f*ck ya'll."

Check out perezhilton.com for more Britney fun. That site is hilarious!!

Caption This!

Do these glasses make my face look fat?


Post your own funny caption in a comment if you want to.

Camel Toe Shoes!

The Camel-Toe shoe. Goes perfect with ...

Phobia of The Day

Papaphobia: Fear of the Pope.

Random Fact of The Day

The pope's full title is "Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God."

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"I could point out that, to judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are:

(1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and
(2) How to attract men. "

Stupid News Story of The Day

(He really likes gum.)

Man Takes Police Station Gumball Machine

ROTTERDAM, N.Y. - While waiting for his friend to be processed on a drunken driving charge Friday morning at the Rotterdam Police Department, 21-year-old Adam Jewett picked up the gumball machine in the lobby and walked out the door with it, authorities say.

Jewett was riding in Zachary Peek's vehicle when it was stopped by an officer about 3 a.m. in Rotterdam, police said. A dispatcher watching the surveillance system saw Jewett carry away the gumball machine. He told the officer processing Peek on the driving while intoxicated charge. Patrolman Stephen Dixon found Jewett in the parking lot with the gumball machine.

Jewett, who lives in Rotterdam, was charged with petit larceny, a misdemeanor, police said. He and Peek, 21, from nearby Schenectady, were issued appearance tickets for Rotterdam Town Court.

Celebrity answers to why the chicken crossed the road

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone!

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra....

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is the definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:Did I miss one?

Oh the weather outside is lovely

Oh my gosh, the weather outside is great today - ok, well it's not sunny...it's kinda rainy and humid, but it is nice and cool. I have the windows open....all of the windows and I am still in my pjs and have actually been doing some housework today. Fathom that! Housework. Am I nuts? Yes. But I am a happy-in-my-pjs nut - hehe. Hopefully, there will be some thunderstorms later on. I love to watch the lightning and hear the thunder. Love it! Of course, it will be right back up to the 90's soon, so better enjoy this while it lasts.

This weekend has been thankfully boring. Although I did drive a friend and her daughter to Anaheim yesterday cuz she needed to get back home. I wasn't too thrilled about having to drive to LA, but hey, I am not one to turn down a favor for a friend, especially when she needed to get back home.

I watched When A Stranger Calls the other day, and it was pretty decent, though I thought the ending was too abrupt. It was almost like they ran out of time or something and needed to just end it. But, it was a nice, taut, tense thriller overall, and good entertainment. Not on the level of Halloween, (but then, what is?) but still decent.

Time to get back to vaccuuming. WOO HOO! YES! I love to vaccuum! (just kidding. I haven't gone THAT nuts yet).