Merry Christmas !

Since I will be so busy for the next week or so, there will be no new posts for a while. So, I wanted to take this opportunity to tell everyone to have a very Merry Christmas!!!

Christmas Funnies

Company Holiday Party Memo

Company's Holiday Party

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas PartySun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party. The days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. What do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Today we have a 2 for 1 offer on an exorcism and a soul cleaning.)

That's way too much for an exorcism...

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German woman lost more than 5,000 euros ($6,000) after a would-be soothsayer convinced her she was possessed by evil spirits and prescribed an expensive exorcism as a remedy, authorities said Wednesday.

Police in the central town of Northeim said the 44-year-old was told she was possessed by a young woman who read her palm at a Christmas market.

The victim became agitated and agreed to an exorcism at her home the following day, for which she paid the 'seer' more than 5,000 euros in cash and jewelry.

The exorcist then gave her more bad news -- there were other spirits that needed casting out.

"That's when a bad feeling crept over the victim," the police said in a statement. "She informed the police forthwith."

Police have arrested a 17-year-old woman from former Yugoslavia. The victim's money and jewelry have been returned.

Which reindeer are you?

You Are Comet

A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge! Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Stupid News Story of The Day

(It's my way or the highway.)

Man goes wrong way on highway for 11 miles

STRASBOURG, France (Reuters) - A Frenchman drove up a motorway in the wrong direction for 11 miles, crashing into five other vehicles and killing one person and injuring three others including two children, police said.

The 66-year-old man continued driving after his first two collisions Sunday in the hope of finding an exit off the A35 in eastern France, a police spokesman in the city of Strasbourg said.

No one was injured in the first collision with two vehicles, but one person was seriously hurt in a second accident with two other vehicles.

The retired motorist, driving with his wife, only came to a halt when he collided head-on with another car, killing an adult and seriously injuring two children aboard. Police said the victims were among a family of immigrants from the former Soviet Union.

Police said alcohol tests on the driver proved negative and he could not explain why he had turned the wrong way onto the motorway. He was in shock but he and his wife were otherwise unhurt.

List time!

Here are a few more of my lists that I have compiled over the last week or so:

List all the names you have been called, even those not-so-endearing ones:

1. Kimbo
2. Kimmers
3. Kimberzy
4. Kimmerzy
5. Kinky Kim
6. Perky
7. Poikins
8. Snorkins
9. Kimmy
10. Kimmy Baby
11. Kimba
12. Kimmy Kins
13. Lynyrd
14. KK
15. Freaky Deaky
16. Brat
17. Bitchy Woman
18. Nerd
19. Nerd Bomber
20. Dorkholio
21. Dork Meister
22. Dork Maestro
23. Dork Ball
24. Smart Ass
25. Smarty Pants
26. Sweetie
27. Sweet Cheeks
28. Chipmunk Cheeks
29. Stupid Asshole
30. Kimmawimma
31. Kimma Bo Bimma
32. Kimmatong
33. Kim Dawg
34. Road Rager
35. Princess Kimmerco
36. Kim Barely There
37. Dumbass
38. Cornball
39. annoying bitch
40. Cutie

List all the places you've been to that have made you feel immortal, moved to tears, or omnipotent:

1. The Grand Canyon - on the edge looking waaaaaaaaaay down. Kinda made me feel like a powerful being to be standing on the edge of the world like that.

2. Yosemite Ntl Park - just looking down on the awesome beauty of Yosemite Valley made me feel so small and so fortunate to be seeing what I was seeing. It was almost tear-worthy - lol.

3. The Golden Gate Bridge - one of mankind's most marvelous man-made structures (like my use of alliteration there? hehe)

4. Death Valley at sunset - gorgeous!

5. the top of Moro Rock in Sequoia Ntl Park

6. The Hoover Dam

7. the Supreme Scream at Knott's Berry Farm - (If I can ride that ride and live, then I can do anything!)

8. inside Crystal Cave in Sequoia Ntl Park when they turned out all of the lights and left us in total darkness - for those few seconds, I felt, well, it is hard to explain, but it was a great, powerful feeling.

9. Las Vegas - how can you NOT feel all-powerful when you go there? You feel like you are gonna conquer the world when you get there...it is when you leave that you realize your mortality - lol.

10. the beach - just looking out into the ocean into infinity makes you feel almost immortal

Here is a list of things I WON'T be giving anyone for Christmas:

1. A new condo
2. A Lexus
3. The Hope Diamond
4. A trip to Bali
5. A time share in Hawaii
6. A prostitute
7. A Rolex
8. A restaurant
9. A spotted hyena
10. a set of 24k gold plated dentures

Name your favorite songs of all time:

1. Kashmir - Led Zeppelin
2. Hotel California - The Eagles
3. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
4. Sober - Tool
5. Prison Sex - Tool
6. War Pigs - Black Sabbath
7. Perfect Strangers - Deep Purple
8. Seek and Destroy - Metallica
9. Strange Condition - Pete Yorn
10. Lost Cause - Beck
11. Room For One More - Anthrax
12. Nitro - The Offspring
13. Money - Pink Floyd
14. Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits
15. Spiders - System of a Down
16. Bound For The Floor - Local H
17. (Can't Get My) Head Around You - The Offspring
18. I Wanna Be Sedated - The Ramones
19. Flake - Jack Johnson
20. Run To The Hills - Iron Maiden
21. I Don't Know - Ozzy Osbourne
22. Back In Black - AC/DC
23. Black Dog - Led Zeppelin
24. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdninand
25. Float On - Modest Mouse
26. Sludge Factory - Alice In Chains
27. Damn That River - Alice In Chains
28. Rusty Cage - Soundgarden
29. Sick of It All - Finger Eleven
30. Taillights Fade - Buffalo Tom
31. Where Is My Mind - The Pixies
32. Holiday - Green Day
33. The Sky Is Crying - Stevie Ray Vaughan
34. The End - The Doors
35. Layla - Eric Clapton
36. Green River - CCR
37. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
38. Remedy - Seether
39. Wake Me Up Inside - Evanescence
40. Karma Police - Radiohead
41. Paranoid - Black Sabbath
42. Immigrant Song- Led Zeppelin
43. In N' Out of Grace - Mudhoney
44. Outshined - Soundgarden
45. I Am The Highway - Audioslave
46. Like A Stone - Audioslave
47. When I'm Down - Chris Cornell
48. Bleed The Freak - Alice In Chains
49. What The Hell Have I - Alice In Chains
50. Once - Pearl Jam

Bad candy....BAD!

For a funny site on really bad candy, go HERE .

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Whenever I see a large crowd of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(All the king's horses and all the king's men, couldn't put the cop's finger back on again.)

Woman Allegedly Bites Off Officer's Finger

MILWAUKEE - A police officer had part of a finger bitten off by a woman after he responded to a call about a dispute over a cat, authorities say. Lt. Robert Menzel said the 40-year-old woman who called police Sunday afternoon had argued with a man about the animal and wanted him removed from her home.

The officer, a 10-year veteran, tried to restrain the woman, and she became belligerent and she bit off part of his right ring finger, Menzel said.

Surgeons at Froedtert Memorial Lutheran Hospital were not able to reattach the finger, the lieutenant said.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.)

Let's just call it even, okay?

ISTANBUL (Reuters) - A Turkish villager who ran away with his friend's wife has offered his own wife in exchange, newspapers said on Thursday.

Farm laborer Cengiz Esme said Gulhan, his wife of 18 years, disappeared a month ago after leaving their village to go shopping in the southern Turkish town of Tarsus.

The 36-year-old said his village friend Mehmet Yaksi had telephoned him the next day and said: "I've run off with your wife .... You take my wife," the Radikal daily reported.

Esme pleaded for Gulhan to return and said he was ready to forgive her and make a fresh start elsewhere. The reports said Yaksi's wife, a mother of three, declined to comment on the situation.