Groovy

Well, I tell you, sometimes I just ain't the brightest crayon in the box. I wrote a blog earlier and somehow I managed to erase the whole thing. I got so ticked off that I wasn't even gonna write a post today (that'll teach me!), but I am going to anyway.

Today has been busier than usual, being that we have a 4-day weekend coming up and everyone is scrambling to finish their cases on time. I got stuck with 2 cases to work, myself and I had to do my supervisor's intake reports (a task which I loathe, because I don't know what the hell I am doing!), and then I wrote up some guidelines on writing case comments for the trainees. Yep...I have been busy. But now it is an hour til I get off from work, so I finally have some free time. (of course, as soon as I said that someone came around the corner to ask me a question - lol).

Anyway, I have to go to the grocery store today, which is something I hate even more than doing intake reports. The grocery store is always crowded and the lines are always long. I hate going there. I really do. At least if I go to Foods Co, I can get some of their Chinese food their. They have great orange chicken - mmmmm. I didn't even eat lunch...well, I had an orange. Didn't have much of a breakfast either. What is with me today???


Well, I am officially hooked on Uproar.com's Family Feud...again. I used to play it all the time a while back, but now I am back! Oh, and that Sudoku Quest game on MSN.com, too. Damn them and their addicting games!

I really didn't have any road rage today...just a minor case of parking lot rage. This morning as I was turning down the aisle in the parking lot of my job, this woman in a car, driving on the wrong side of the aisle, almost hit me. And then she just stared at me as if I were from another planet. This is the USA, buster, and we drive on the right side of the road here! Some people have no brains!

After my little parking lot rage was sated, I continued listening to the radio interview they were doing on Bruce Campbell. Yes, Ash was on the radio. I love Bruce Campbell. He is better than Jake Gyllenhaal and Matt Leinart combined! He is .... groovy. I was 5 minutes late getting to my desk because I wanted to hear the whole interview. (This is my boomstick!!!) He apparently has a novel out called, Make Love! The Bruce Campbell Way. I want that book, and I want it NOW!

Well, I don't have time for a list today. Maybe I will do 2 tomorrow. Or maybe I will just skip today altogether. I gotta run. Someone is asking me another question.

My work is never done.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Thanks to our fear of death, no one ever has to die; they can all just pass away. Or expire, like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital, it will be called a terminal episode. The insurance company will refer to it was negative patient-care outcome. And if it's the result of malpractice, they'll say it was a therapeutic misadventure."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Keep your keys away from kitties.)

W.Va. Woman Locked Out of Car by Cat

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. - Locking yourself out of your car is bad enough, but Jeanna Stewart was even more embarrassed when the culprit was not her, but her cat.

The Morgantown resident said she was getting a spare house key out her car's trunk on Monday when her cat Mork, one of three in the car, stepped on the automatic door lock. She couldn't unlock the door because she had left her car keys on the driver's seat.

"He wouldn't unlock the door for me," Stewart said Tuesday. "He was standing there, saying why aren't you opening the door? I want to go inside."

Stewart went into her house and called the Morgantown Fire Department for help. She said she was mainly concerned about freeing Mork and the other cats, Minday and Alex.

"They rescued my three little kitties," Stewart said. "I didn't need a rescue for me, just for them."

Chaos, terror....just another day at the mall.

Oh glorious Bakersfield. Where you can roam the streets safely...where you can leave your doors unlocked and your windows open at night...where you can shop in the mall without fear of being shot....wait a minute. I am not describing Bakersfield. I am describing Fantasy Land. Sadly, no place like that actually exists anymore. I doubt it ever really did. Unless you count Gilligan's Island. But even then, that darned Gilligan was always trying to swipe a coconut cream pie or 2 from the table, not to mention what went on between those chimpanzees and the Skipper when the cameras weren't rolling. Nothing is sacred anymore. Not even shopping. I was at my folks' house last night and my brother had the police scanner on and we heard that someone got shot in the chest (he died later on) and that fights were breaking out all over at the mall. Yes, the mall. The place where Santa Claus lets kids sit on his lap. The place where you can buy chocolate from The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. The place where you can shop for birthday cards to your heart's content. The place where you can buy racy lingerie to make your main squeeze happy. Nowhere on the mall sign does it say..."Welcome to the mall. Hope you don't get shot."

Seems like wherever you go you have to watch your back. I heard down in LA some guy got shot in the head while he was eating dinner. He was an innocent victim of a stray bullet. The world is full of crazy people, all trigger happy and loaded up on drugs or booze or maybe just plain old insanity. Some people say, "You need a gun." But, I really don't like guns. Maybe it is because I know what they can do. I watch too much CSI. There are too many crazy people out there, and the last thing they need is a gun. I think people should have to pass a sanity test before they are allowed to buy a gun. "No, I don't think JFK and RFK are conspiring to kill you, and no, I don't think that Nessie and Bigfoot are secret lovers who are really the parents of the Abominable Snowman....no gun for you, buster!"

Speaking of whackos, I read that some woman took out a restraining order against David Letterman....yes, THE David Letterman, citing that he used "coded words to show that he wanted to marry her and train her as his co-host." According to this woman (named Colleen Nestler, in case anyone knows her....she is nuts!!), Mr Letterman "asked her to be his wife during a televised "teaser" for his show by saying, "Marry me, Oprah." Her letter said Oprah was the first of many code names for her and that the coded vocabulary increased and changed with time." She also said that is he or any of his legal team came near her, that she would "break their legs," but this "breaking of the legs" was not a threat. HELLO!!!! Not a threat??? Holy cow, this woman is insane!!! Someone call a doctor. And don't let her buy a gun for crying out loud! (you can read the full story below, in my Stupid News Story of The Day post).

Also showing signs of insanity is Tori Spelling, who announced that she is engaged. Flashback....she just announced that she and her husband were getting a divorce not too long ago. Now suddenly she is dating AND getting engaged? Only in Hollywood people. Only in Hollywood. I guess she likes playing musical husbands or something. Well, good luck. And be sure to sign a prenup.

More signs of insanity in the world: I forgot to mention the whacko at the gas station in LA when I was on vacation. Oh, this guy was a real nut job. Chris's brother had stopped to get gas, and pulled in the empty pump behind another car. Well the guy in front of us finished pumping and left, leaving an open pump. Chris's brother was still pumping the gas when this guy just flies in the open space and comes thisclose to hitting the car. Well, the guy then backs up and pulls up again, again coming extremely close to hitting us. He then gets out of the car and is mouthing some words, which I could not make out. I figured he must have been talking to himself or maybe singing. Who knows. Well, he finishes up pumping the gas while Chris's brother goes in to pay for the gas. As the guy pulls out, he continues to mouth words, but this time I can make out some of what he is saying, and he definitely was not singing, unless it was some gansta rap in which every other word begins with "f" (if you know what I mean). As he is pulling out of the station, he turns and flips us off. I was sitting there thinking, "what is his problem???" I mean, we were just sitting there, and it wasn't like we cut in front of him or anything. We were there first. So, to this day, I have no clue why that crazy nut job flipped us the bird. I guess he was just having a bad morning or something. Only he knows.

Well, I have no road rage moment of the day to share. I know, you are thinking, "You mean nobody pissed her off this morning?" Nope. Well, at least not by means of a vehicle. I did have a major case of neighbor rage though this morning...at 2:30 am. Yes, this morning at 2-freakin-thirty-am, my next door neighbor decided to get up and play his music loud...loud enough to wake me out of my beauty sleep. So if I am REALLY ugly this morning, you know who to blame. And if anyone wants to kick his ass, I will give you his address (haha). I was SO pissed off, because I was having a really good dream about Jake Gyllenhaal and Matt Leinart giving me a sponge bath, and....well, ok...that is enough to give you an idea - hehe. I kicked the wall, hoping to make him shut the hell up,but his music was probably too loud for him to hear anything. I hope he goes deaf, the ass munch! So, I am tired this morning. I don't think any amount of caffeine will kick me into gear this morning. I hate assholes!!!!

Before I get too pissed off, here is a new list...

List the things that really make you tick:

1. Loud, inconsiderate neighbors
2. When people try to get into the elevator before I can get out of it.
3. Crowded places
4. Rude people
5. Tailgaters
6. People who cut me off when I am driving
7. People cutting in front of me in line
8. Dirty bathrooms
9. Ants
10. Knots in my hair (ouch!)

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"I have a very inexpensive security system. If someone breaks into my house, I run next door and throw a brick through my neighbor's window. That sets off his alarm and when the police arrive I direct them to my house."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Some people are crazy, and then some people are CRAZY!)

Restraining Order Against Letterman Tossed

A state judge has lifted a restraining order granted to a Santa Fe woman who accused talk-show host David Letterman of using coded words to show that he wanted to marry her and train her as his co-host.

Judge Daniel Sanchez on Tuesday granted a request by lawyers for Letterman, host of CBS' "Late Show," to quash the temporary restraining order that he earlier granted to Colleen Nestler.

She alleged in a request filed Dec. 15 that Letterman has forced her to go bankrupt and caused her "mental cruelty" and "sleep deprivation" since May 1994.

Nestler requested that Letterman, who tapes his show in New York, stay at least 3 yards away and not "think of me, and release me from his mental harassment and hammering."

Lawyers for Letterman contended the order was without merit.

"He is entitled to a protection of his legal rights and a protection of his reputation," Pat Rogers, an Albuquerque lawyer representing Letterman, told the judge Tuesday.

The New Mexico court doesn't have jurisdiction over Letterman, who is a resident of Connecticut, Rogers said.

Nestler appeared in court without a lawyer and represented herself.

Responding to a question from the judge, Nestler said she had no proof of the allegations she had made against Letterman.

She also said that if Letterman or any of his representatives came near her, "I will break their legs" and establish proof of her allegations.

Nestler said after the court hearing that "I have achieved my purpose. The public knows that this man cannot come near me."

She also said that her comment about breaking legs "is not a threat."

"I appealed to the court for a restraining order to keep this man away from me, but now that's been denied me," she said. "He has access to me. He can actually come for me or send people. He has many accomplices. I know this sounds crazy. I was crazy to have listened to him in the beginning."

Nestler's application for a restraining order was accompanied by a six-page typed letter in which she said Letterman used code words, gestures and "eye expressions" to convey his desires for her.

She wrote that she began sending Letterman "thoughts of love" after his show began in 1993, and that he responded in code words and gestures, asking her to come East.

Nestler said Letterman asked her to be his wife during a televised "teaser" for his show by saying, "Marry me, Oprah." Her letter said Oprah was the first of many code names for her and that the coded vocabulary increased and changed with time.

I was a good girl!

You Were Nice This Year!

You're an uber-perfect person who is on the top of Santa's list. You probably didn't even *think* any naughty thoughts this year. Unless you're a Mormon, you've probably been a little too good. Is that extra candy cane worth being a sweetheart for 365 days straight?

Were You Naughty or Nice This Year?

I am back!

I am back from my Christmas vacation. I had a great time. We went to a lot of places and saw a lot of things. And I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day with my parents, brother and my grandmother. It was really nice. For a complete rundown on my vacation, you can check out my other blog at www.kimmerzy.blogspot.com and check out the new photos in my Yahoo Photo Album. Anyway, now it is back to work for me. But...I have another 4 days off coming up on Friday - hehe. Sometimes, working for the county has its benefits ;)

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Have you ever noticed that when you're drivin', anyone goin' slower than you is an idiot? And anyone goin' faster than you is a maniac? 'Will you just look at this idiot!' [points right] 'Look at him! Just creepin' along! [swings head left] 'Look at that maniac go!' Why, I tell ya, folks, it's a wonder we ever get anywhere at all these days, what with all the idiots and maniacs out there. Because no one ever drives at my speed."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(There is no love like the love between a man and his cow)

Man Pleads No Contest to Cattle Relations

NEILLSVILLE, Wis. - A 64-year-old man has pleaded no contest to charges in Clark County Circuit Court after telling police he regularly had been using calves for sexual gratification.

Harold G. Hart was placed on two years probation Thursday and ordered to have psychological counseling and an alcohol and drug abuse assessment after pleading to charges of sexual gratification with an animal and disorderly conduct.

According to the criminal complaint, the family living on the farm Hart visited, installed a motion sensor because they had seen suspicious footprints and vehicle tracks.

When the sensor sounded, Hart was caught leaving the barn. He later told police the farm was a routine stop, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Marshfield or Neillsville.

Hart told police he had gone to the farm at least 50 times in the last year, sometimes two to four times in a week.

Merry Christmas !

Since I will be so busy for the next week or so, there will be no new posts for a while. So, I wanted to take this opportunity to tell everyone to have a very Merry Christmas!!!

Christmas Funnies

Company Holiday Party Memo

Company's Holiday Party

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas PartySun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party. The days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. What do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Today we have a 2 for 1 offer on an exorcism and a soul cleaning.)

That's way too much for an exorcism...

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German woman lost more than 5,000 euros ($6,000) after a would-be soothsayer convinced her she was possessed by evil spirits and prescribed an expensive exorcism as a remedy, authorities said Wednesday.

Police in the central town of Northeim said the 44-year-old was told she was possessed by a young woman who read her palm at a Christmas market.

The victim became agitated and agreed to an exorcism at her home the following day, for which she paid the 'seer' more than 5,000 euros in cash and jewelry.

The exorcist then gave her more bad news -- there were other spirits that needed casting out.

"That's when a bad feeling crept over the victim," the police said in a statement. "She informed the police forthwith."

Police have arrested a 17-year-old woman from former Yugoslavia. The victim's money and jewelry have been returned.

Which reindeer are you?

You Are Comet

A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge! Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Stupid News Story of The Day

(It's my way or the highway.)

Man goes wrong way on highway for 11 miles

STRASBOURG, France (Reuters) - A Frenchman drove up a motorway in the wrong direction for 11 miles, crashing into five other vehicles and killing one person and injuring three others including two children, police said.

The 66-year-old man continued driving after his first two collisions Sunday in the hope of finding an exit off the A35 in eastern France, a police spokesman in the city of Strasbourg said.

No one was injured in the first collision with two vehicles, but one person was seriously hurt in a second accident with two other vehicles.

The retired motorist, driving with his wife, only came to a halt when he collided head-on with another car, killing an adult and seriously injuring two children aboard. Police said the victims were among a family of immigrants from the former Soviet Union.

Police said alcohol tests on the driver proved negative and he could not explain why he had turned the wrong way onto the motorway. He was in shock but he and his wife were otherwise unhurt.

List time!

Here are a few more of my lists that I have compiled over the last week or so:

List all the names you have been called, even those not-so-endearing ones:

1. Kimbo
2. Kimmers
3. Kimberzy
4. Kimmerzy
5. Kinky Kim
6. Perky
7. Poikins
8. Snorkins
9. Kimmy
10. Kimmy Baby
11. Kimba
12. Kimmy Kins
13. Lynyrd
14. KK
15. Freaky Deaky
16. Brat
17. Bitchy Woman
18. Nerd
19. Nerd Bomber
20. Dorkholio
21. Dork Meister
22. Dork Maestro
23. Dork Ball
24. Smart Ass
25. Smarty Pants
26. Sweetie
27. Sweet Cheeks
28. Chipmunk Cheeks
29. Stupid Asshole
30. Kimmawimma
31. Kimma Bo Bimma
32. Kimmatong
33. Kim Dawg
34. Road Rager
35. Princess Kimmerco
36. Kim Barely There
37. Dumbass
38. Cornball
39. annoying bitch
40. Cutie

List all the places you've been to that have made you feel immortal, moved to tears, or omnipotent:

1. The Grand Canyon - on the edge looking waaaaaaaaaay down. Kinda made me feel like a powerful being to be standing on the edge of the world like that.

2. Yosemite Ntl Park - just looking down on the awesome beauty of Yosemite Valley made me feel so small and so fortunate to be seeing what I was seeing. It was almost tear-worthy - lol.

3. The Golden Gate Bridge - one of mankind's most marvelous man-made structures (like my use of alliteration there? hehe)

4. Death Valley at sunset - gorgeous!

5. the top of Moro Rock in Sequoia Ntl Park

6. The Hoover Dam

7. the Supreme Scream at Knott's Berry Farm - (If I can ride that ride and live, then I can do anything!)

8. inside Crystal Cave in Sequoia Ntl Park when they turned out all of the lights and left us in total darkness - for those few seconds, I felt, well, it is hard to explain, but it was a great, powerful feeling.

9. Las Vegas - how can you NOT feel all-powerful when you go there? You feel like you are gonna conquer the world when you get there...it is when you leave that you realize your mortality - lol.

10. the beach - just looking out into the ocean into infinity makes you feel almost immortal

Here is a list of things I WON'T be giving anyone for Christmas:

1. A new condo
2. A Lexus
3. The Hope Diamond
4. A trip to Bali
5. A time share in Hawaii
6. A prostitute
7. A Rolex
8. A restaurant
9. A spotted hyena
10. a set of 24k gold plated dentures

Name your favorite songs of all time:

1. Kashmir - Led Zeppelin
2. Hotel California - The Eagles
3. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
4. Sober - Tool
5. Prison Sex - Tool
6. War Pigs - Black Sabbath
7. Perfect Strangers - Deep Purple
8. Seek and Destroy - Metallica
9. Strange Condition - Pete Yorn
10. Lost Cause - Beck
11. Room For One More - Anthrax
12. Nitro - The Offspring
13. Money - Pink Floyd
14. Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits
15. Spiders - System of a Down
16. Bound For The Floor - Local H
17. (Can't Get My) Head Around You - The Offspring
18. I Wanna Be Sedated - The Ramones
19. Flake - Jack Johnson
20. Run To The Hills - Iron Maiden
21. I Don't Know - Ozzy Osbourne
22. Back In Black - AC/DC
23. Black Dog - Led Zeppelin
24. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdninand
25. Float On - Modest Mouse
26. Sludge Factory - Alice In Chains
27. Damn That River - Alice In Chains
28. Rusty Cage - Soundgarden
29. Sick of It All - Finger Eleven
30. Taillights Fade - Buffalo Tom
31. Where Is My Mind - The Pixies
32. Holiday - Green Day
33. The Sky Is Crying - Stevie Ray Vaughan
34. The End - The Doors
35. Layla - Eric Clapton
36. Green River - CCR
37. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
38. Remedy - Seether
39. Wake Me Up Inside - Evanescence
40. Karma Police - Radiohead
41. Paranoid - Black Sabbath
42. Immigrant Song- Led Zeppelin
43. In N' Out of Grace - Mudhoney
44. Outshined - Soundgarden
45. I Am The Highway - Audioslave
46. Like A Stone - Audioslave
47. When I'm Down - Chris Cornell
48. Bleed The Freak - Alice In Chains
49. What The Hell Have I - Alice In Chains
50. Once - Pearl Jam

Bad candy....BAD!

For a funny site on really bad candy, go HERE .

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Whenever I see a large crowd of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(All the king's horses and all the king's men, couldn't put the cop's finger back on again.)

Woman Allegedly Bites Off Officer's Finger

MILWAUKEE - A police officer had part of a finger bitten off by a woman after he responded to a call about a dispute over a cat, authorities say. Lt. Robert Menzel said the 40-year-old woman who called police Sunday afternoon had argued with a man about the animal and wanted him removed from her home.

The officer, a 10-year veteran, tried to restrain the woman, and she became belligerent and she bit off part of his right ring finger, Menzel said.

Surgeons at Froedtert Memorial Lutheran Hospital were not able to reattach the finger, the lieutenant said.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.)

Let's just call it even, okay?

ISTANBUL (Reuters) - A Turkish villager who ran away with his friend's wife has offered his own wife in exchange, newspapers said on Thursday.

Farm laborer Cengiz Esme said Gulhan, his wife of 18 years, disappeared a month ago after leaving their village to go shopping in the southern Turkish town of Tarsus.

The 36-year-old said his village friend Mehmet Yaksi had telephoned him the next day and said: "I've run off with your wife .... You take my wife," the Radikal daily reported.

Esme pleaded for Gulhan to return and said he was ready to forgive her and make a fresh start elsewhere. The reports said Yaksi's wife, a mother of three, declined to comment on the situation.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Here's some fun: Stand in line at the bank for a really long time. Then, when you finally get up to the window, just ask for change for a nickel. It's fun. They actually call other tellers over to look at you."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Never deny a person caffeine. Never.)

Cop Said to Taser Partner After Soda Fight

HAMTRAMCK, Mich. - A police officer has been charged with using a Taser on his partner during an argument over whether they should stop for a soft drink.

Ronald Dupuis, 32, was charged Wednesday with assault and could face up to three months in jail if convicted. The six-year veteran was fired after the Nov. 3 incident.

Dupuis and partner Prema Graham began arguing after Dupuis demanded she stop their car at a store so he could buy a soft drink, according to a police report.

The two then struggled over the steering wheel, and Dupuis hit her leg with his department-issued Taser, the report said. She was not seriously hurt.

Hamtramck police union lawyer Eugene Bolanowski said he expected Dupuis to hire a private lawyer.

Hamtramck is a city of 23,000 surrounded by Detroit.

What crappy Christmas gift are you?

You Are Socks!

Cozy and warm... but easily lost. You make a good puppet.

What Crappy Gift Are You?

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"The safety lecture on an airplane includes the phrase, 'In the unlikely event...' This is a very suspect phrase, especially coming as it does from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(I guess just a taste of freedom was all he wanted.)

Inmate Arrested Shortly After Release

JUNEAU, Alaska - It was only a small taste of freedom. David Mulligan, 21, served 25 days for drunken driving, and was released at 7 a.m. Tuesday. Authorities allege he stole a van three minutes later.

A man who lives a block from the Lemon Creek Correctional Center had left his 1997 Dodge van running to warm up. When he came out of the house, it was gone.

Two hours later, the owner called police on a cell phone, saying he was following the stolen van in traffic.

Police responded, and said they found Mulligan alone in the van.

He now faces up to five years in prison and a $50,000 fine if convicted of felony vehicle theft.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Oh, the life of a monk.)

Japanese Monk Accused of Growing Marijuana

TOKYO - A Buddhist monk was arrested Wednesday for growing marijuana near his temple in northern Japan, a police official said.

Michimaru Obara, 48-year-old monk at Eikoji shrine in Iwate prefecture (state), is suspected of cultivating about 5.3 pounds of marijuana, according to a police official who refused to give his name due to policy.

Authorities also suspect the monk sold at least 1.7 ounces of the illegal plant to an office worker near Tokyo, the official said.

Obara has already been arrested for drug possession, after police found marijuana at his home last month. The monk has admitted he cultivated the plant for personal consumption, but denies selling his harvest, reports said.

Drug penalties in Japan are harsh. Convicted drug users face up to life in prison under anti-narcotics laws, although most first-time offenders get suspended prison terms.

My elf name is....

Christmas Elf Name My Christmas Elf Name is Get your Christmas Elf Name at JokesUnlimited.com

What's yours?

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Have you noticed that fluorescent lights seem afraid to come on? When you turn on a fluorescent light, it flickers and hesitates and is sort of unsure of itself. Then after several seconds it seems to gain confidence and light up at full strength. What's that all about? Can't these lamps receive some kind of counseling?"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Here's one more reason I am not going to get into a taxi.)

Taxi Driver Bites Off Customer's Fingertip

COPENHAGEN, Denmark - A taxi driver in Denmark bit off the tip of a 48-year-old man's finger in a brawl over how many people could fit in the cab, police said Monday.

The dispute started early Sunday morning, when a group of five men hailed a taxi in downtown Odense, a city in central Denmark.

Police said things got out of hand when the 37-year-old driver insisted he could only take four passengers. It was not clear who started the fight, but the 48-year-old man claims he grabbed the driver by the collar after the driver acted aggressively and spat at him, police said.

The driver, who was bruised but not seriously injured, said the man grabbed him by the jaw with his left hand and punched him with other hand. The driver claims he accidentally bit off the tip off the man's ring finger in the commotion, police said.

The 48-year-old was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment. None of the men were identified in line with Danish privacy rules.

Police were investigating but had not filed any charges Monday.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Here's one more reason I am not going to get into a taxi.)

Taxi Driver Bites Off Customer's Fingertip

COPENHAGEN, Denmark - A taxi driver in Denmark bit off the tip of a 48-year-old man's finger in a brawl over how many people could fit in the cab, police said Monday.

The dispute started early Sunday morning, when a group of five men hailed a taxi in downtown Odense, a city in central Denmark.

Police said things got out of hand when the 37-year-old driver insisted he could only take four passengers. It was not clear who started the fight, but the 48-year-old man claims he grabbed the driver by the collar after the driver acted aggressively and spat at him, police said.

The driver, who was bruised but not seriously injured, said the man grabbed him by the jaw with his left hand and punched him with other hand. The driver claims he accidentally bit off the tip off the man's ring finger in the commotion, police said.

The 48-year-old was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment. None of the men were identified in line with Danish privacy rules.

Police were investigating but had not filed any charges Monday.

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree....I finally put up my tree
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Merry Christmas....

Yes, it is that time of year again. I made up a little Christmas web page filled with jokes (more on the adult humor side), facts about Christmas and even a cookie recipe. You can find it at this website....

http://kimberzy.tripod.com/

Enjoy!

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"If the police never find it, is it still a clue?"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Someone's observations skills need some work, don't you think?)

Police mistakenly impound driver with car

TORONTO (Reuters) - An 85-year-old Canadian man spent hours inside his impounded car in freezing temperatures after his vehicle was ticketed for illegal parking and then towed to a police compound, police said on Thursday.

Police in the western city of Edmonton, Alberta, said frost had obscured the car's windows and a tow-truck driver, unaware of the elderly man sitting in the driver's seat, took the car to the police compound. The incident occurred Tuesday.

"The security officer at that site along with the tow-truck driver noticed that there was some movement in the car," said Edmonton Police spokeswoman Lisa Lammi.

"They accessed the vehicle and sure enough there was an elderly man inside. He was disoriented but he was not unconscious."

Temperatures were close to -10 Celsius (14 Fahrenheit).

According to the Edmonton bylaw office, the ticket was written two hours before the car arrived at the impound lot.

The man, whose identity has not been released, was taken to hospital for observation.

Lammi said police were unsure what stopped the man from driving his car away.

yes, I finally finished the painting I started a long time ago - lol - not bad for my first painting in some 8 years or so ;)
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Stupid News Story of The Day

(If the temperature was in the 40's, there wouldn't be much indecent to expose - hehe)

Police: Naked Man Fires Gun at Traffic

GERMANTOWN, Tenn. - A man wearing only socks was arrested along a busy street after witnesses said he fired a gun at afternoon traffic.

Temperatures were in the 40s when the incident occurred Tuesday. Police said no witnesses were injured.

Glenn Higgs, 44, of Germantown, was charged with reckless endangerment, indecent exposure, firing a weapon in the city limits and public intoxication, authorities said.

"I couldn't believe it," said Eddie Cox, who was driving home from the bank when he saw the naked gunman in this Memphis suburb.

Cox called police, who arrested Higgs at the scene and found a revolver in a nearby yard.

Higgs was sent to a hospital for a foot injury sustained when he earlier jumped from the second story of his home, authorities said.

And no one noticed...

2 more lists - hehe

List all the things you have made or built by hand:

1. My coffee table (yes, I really did - and no, it wasn't from a kit I got at Wal Mart - hehe)
2. Some shelves I have on the walls.
3. Most of my framed art I have hanging on the walls.
4. Christmas ornaments
5. Greeting cards
6. A book of poems and quotes
7. A bench I built from scratch (not from a kit)
8. Drink coasters
9. Wreaths
10. The headboard on my bed
11. The canopy over my bed
12. My hope chest (made it in woodshop in high school)
13. All kinds of artsy-craftsy stuff - too much to list!


List what always makes you laugh:

1. Stupid people
2. South Park
3. other people's funny childhood stories
4. myself when I do something stupid
5. the Arab commercials on an episode of Mind of Mencia - sorry, but those were freakin' funny!!!!
6. Jim Carrey as Fire Marshall Bill from In Living Color
7. Britney Spears's singing
8. Kevin Federline's corn rows
9. hearing that Kate Moss wants to act
10. hearing that Paris Hilton got scratched up by her kinkajou - hehe
11. watching that old video of Fabio getting hit in the face by a bird
12. looking through my old photo albums
13. Kenny Blankenship's Most Painful Eliminations of The Day on MXC
14. Dave Chappelle, bitches
15. Adam Sandler's "The Longest Pee"
16. Reno 911
17. watching a really cheesy horror film
18. 80's hairstyles
19. 80's hair band videos
20. Will Farrell
21. the movie Clerks
22. almost everything!

List time!

List all the celebrities you would like to sock in the face:

1. Colin Farrell - he needs to be socked!
2. Britney Spears - for marrying that trash-man and sucking so much at singing
3. Paris Hilton - for being annoying as hell
4. Sally Struthers - I think it would be fun to sock her - hehe
5. Chris Klein - for his cocky, holier-than-thou attitude
6. George Bush - (needless to say)
7. Michael Bolton - for being a no-talent ass clown
8. Brad Pitt - for the whole Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie thing
9. Michael Jackson - would be fun to see if his nose would fall off
10. Eminem - for being an asshole
11. That guy on the infomercials with the question marks all over his jacket...oh, and Tony Little, too - ok, so they are not "celebrities", but I still wanna sock them!
12. Tonya Harding - for being stupid
13. Donald Trump - I just wanna hear him say "You're fired" after I hit him...and to pull off his toupee - I would be doing him a favor there!
14. Hillary Duff- for being way too perky
15. Kevin Federline - for being an unemployed moocher
16. Steven Seagal - for sucking at acting so much
17. Tori Spelling - (see above reason)
18. Paris Hilton - had to throw her in there again....I would like to smack her twice!

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time!)

Boy Accidentally Shoots Man in Outhouse

VERSHIRE, Vt. - A Massachusetts man was shot while using the outhouse at his family's camp by a boy who was target shooting.

Chris Flanagan, 41, of Holliston, Mass., was standing in the outhouse on Saturday morning when he was hit in the chest by a bullet that came through the door.

Police said the shot was fired from a .22-caliber rifle used by a young relative. They declined to give the relationship between the two.

Police were investigating whether the boy, who was not identified because he is a minor, had missed his target or intentionally shot at the outhouse.

Police said the boy was not aware that Flanagan was inside the outhouse.

Flanagan was in fair condition Tuesday at the Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center in Lebanon, N.H.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"They keep saying you can't compare apples and oranges. I can. An apple is red and distinctly non-spherical; an orange is orange and nearly spherical. So, what's the problem?"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Better check the dessert, too)

Mom Allegedly Spikes Macaroni With Bleach

CORAOPOLIS, Pa. - A mother has been charged with trying to poison her adult daughter and her daughter's family after allegedly pouring bleach into their macaroni and cheese on Saturday night.

Nancy O'Donnell, 56, was charged with four counts each of aggravated assault and recklessly endangering another person, police said.

O'Donnell's daughter, Victoria Lynn O'Donnell, 24, was preparing dinner around 6:30 p.m. for her live-in boyfriend, Jamal Scott, 30, and their 6-year-old son and 2-year-old daughter. The four share a home with Nancy O'Donnell.

Victoria O'Donnell went upstairs while the food was cooking, and police said that when she came back downstairs, she could smell bleach in the food. She tried the macaroni and cheese and immediately spit it out after tasting the bleach, police said.

No one else tasted the food.

Victoria O'Donnell then confronted her mother about the allegedly tainted dinner. According to court records, Nancy O'Donnell said she wanted to sicken her daughter because "you don't deserve those children."

Police reported a strong odor of bleach when they arrived to investigate. Nancy O'Donnell later denied pouring bleach into the pasta, police said.

Nancy O'Donnell is being held in the Allegheny County Jail on $25,000 bond. A judge ordered that she receive a mental health evaluation.

All's well that ends with turkey

Well, my Turkey Day was pleasantly stuffing. I got all filled up with turkey, potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce and Boston Cream Cake. It was a delight for all of the senses. But, my gosh, was my tummy stuffed! Thank goodness all the leftovers stayed at my folks' house, or else my tummy would have been in pain all weekend.

Went to the movies on Saturday and saw The Wedding Crashers at the Dollar Theatre. That movie was hilarious! I love the Dollar Theatre. Love it! Nowhere else in town can you go see a movie for $1.50 ($1 before 6 pm and on Tuesdays, it is only 50 cents). Yeah, so the seats aren't as cumfy as the regular theatre, but who cares? For $1, you can't really complain too much.

Yes, I changed my template again. Isn't it cute? I love Christmas. I love it! I get to be all artsy and craftsy and buy people cute gifts. It is a great time of year. Well, great except for the cold weather. I actually had to turn on my heater last night and plug in my electric blanket. BRRRRR! It is starting to look and feel like Christmas.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(I wonder what the punishment would be for someone who stole a bra.)

'I stole mail'

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday allowed a California man to be sentenced to spend a day outside a San Francisco post office wearing a signboard stating, "I stole mail. This is my punishment."

The justices rejected an appeal by Shawn Gementera, who argued that this was designed to publicly shame and humiliate him. He said it violated the Sentencing Reform Act and the constitutional ban on cruel and unusual punishment.

Gementera pleaded guilty to mail theft after the police arrested him and an accomplice in 2001 for stealing letters from several mailboxes in San Francisco.

U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker in 2003 sentenced Walker to two months in prison, to be followed by three years of supervised release.

The conditions for his release required Gementera to spend four days at a post office observing patrons inquire about lost or stolen mail, to write letters of apology to the victims of his crime, to give three lectures at high schools about his crime and to wear the two-sided sign for one eight-hour day.

Gementera appealed the legality of the signboard requirement, but a U.S. appeals court panel, by a 2-1 vote, ruled against him in August.

The appeals court said the record in the case showed that the judge imposed the condition for the legitimate purpose of rehabilitation.

It said the judge could have imposed a lengthier prison term instead of the signboard condition, and added that crimes and the resulting penalties nearly always cause shame and embarrassment.

Gementera's attorneys appealed to the Supreme Court.

"The shaming condition amounted to nothing more than the piling on of an additional and quite gratuitous requirement -- designed to publicly humiliate (Gementera) -- in contravention of federal law," they said.

"Punishments aimed at imposing shame and humiliation are inconsistent with a constitutional requirement that punishments, even for heinous crimes, be consistent with human dignity," they said.

U.S. Justice Department attorneys said a sentence may serve a legitimate rehabilitative purpose, even if makes the defendant feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in public.

The high court turned down Gementera's appeal without any comment or recorded dissent.

Thanksgiving - George Carlin Style

"On Thanksgiving at our house we like variety, so we don't have turkey every year. Last year we had a swan. It was nice; everyone got some neck. Another year we had a seagull. Delicious! It's a little fishy, but at least there's no need to add salt. This year, we're expecting a few people over, so we're having flamingo. And I'm getting the leg that folds up. They say the meat is sweeter and more tender because the flamingo doesn't use it much."

Happy Turkey Day!

 

Happy Turkey Day to everyone! Eat, sleep and then eat some more....hehe

 

Pregnant Turkey

I thought this was a cute joke....


One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the
store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven
and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit
something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look
of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've
cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It
took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"With all this natural selection going on, why doesn't the human race get any smarter? Is this it? Why are there still so many stupid people? Apparently, being a real dumb jackoff has some survival value."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Well, it may not be the kind of touch he was hoping for...)

Police Hit Man in Genitals With Taser

FORT MYERS BEACH, Fla. - Police accidentally hit a naked man in the genitals with a Taser after he was caught breaking windows and asking women to touch him, authorities said.

Jeremy J. Miljour, 26, tried to run away when sheriff's deputies approached so one of them shot their Taser, said Cpl. Matt Chitwood. But one of the gun's prongs accidentally hit Miljour's genitals and got stuck, Chitwood said.

"The Taser is relatively accurate, but when someone is moving like that, it doesn't matter if you have a Taser, or a pistol. (Officers) can't aim," Chitwood said.

Miljour was treated at a hospital before being taken to the Lee County jail. He was charged with indecent exposure, resisting an officer and criminal damage.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"How can everyone's money be 'hard-earned,' and everyone's vacation be 'well-deserved'? Sounds like bull to me.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Don't drink and dry.)

Sometimes you just have a really bad day...

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man drank too much, wet his bed and set fire to his apartment while trying to dry his bedding, police in the western town of Muelheim said Monday.

"He was too drunk to go to the toilet," said a police spokesman. "The next morning he put a switched-on hairdryer on the bed to dry it and left the apartment." When the 60-year-old returned, his home and belongings were in flames.

Firemen eventually put out the blaze.

Extreme Rock, Paper, Scissors

The Beach

I went to the beach this weekend. I posted new pictures on my Yahoo album and wrote about it on my other blog, which you can get to by clicking HERE.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(I'm not dead yet!)

Tears save sick mother from cremation alive

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese peasant woman who suffered a brain haemorrhage was left at the undertakers alive for cremation because her family could no longer afford hospital treatment, state media said Friday.

She was only saved by the tears in her eyes.

The case is the latest in a series of tragedies illustrating China's stretched health care system and the inability of rural workers to meet spiraling medical costs.

You Guoying, a 47-year-old migrant worker from southwestern Sichuan province, was taken for cremation by her husband and children in Taizhou, eastern Zhejiang province, where she worked, the China Youth Daily said.

Fortunately for You, the undertaker realized she was still alive when he saw her move and tears in her eyes, the newspaper said.

"This is not only a tragedy for the family, but also for society," it quoted Xu Yinghe, a Taizhou official, as saying.

"The fundamental reason is the absence of a social welfare system."

You was taken back to hospital for further treatment with money donated by sympathetic citizens of prosperous Zhejiang, the newspaper said.

"Three days of treatment cost us more than 10,000 yuan," it quoted her daughter as saying, adding that was the sum of the family's life savings.

"If there had been another option, who would have the heart to send a member of their own family for cremation while there was still a hope of survival?"

The newspaper did not say if the family would face charges.

Vice Health Minister Zhu Qingsheng said last December that about half of all farmers could not afford medical treatment when sick.

A 42-year-old farmer too poor to afford treatment for lung cancer set off a home-made bomb aboard a bus in Fuzhou, capital of the southeastern province of Fujian, in August, killing himself and another passenger and wounding 30.

Also in August, a security guard hailed a hero for fighting off a purse snatcher jumped to his death from a hospital window in south Guangxi province because he couldn't afford the bills.

In the late 1970s, 94 percent of China's villagers were covered by cooperative medical schemes. But the collectives were disbanded during market reforms of the 1980s which ended cradle-to-grave welfare for the masses.

Hehehe

Dear Friends & Loved Ones,

I wish to express my thanks to all those who have forwarded me informative e-mails in hopes of making my life better. Especially to the person who sent me the one about rats in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. I guess it’s not so bad to have the towel around though, so I can also clean the rat turds and Herpes off of all my canned goods and sodas.

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. You have made me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer, as does sugar, Nutrasweet, saccharin, Equal, Splenda, salt and anything else that might actually make food taste good. Damn those cancerous lab rats! And damn the guy who tested the Saran Wrap on them!

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or pump my own gas because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. That probably won’t matter since I drank a can of Tab today when I didn’t have my towel.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume or cologne sample and rob me. It sucks not getting to see those girls make the lemonade at Hot Dog on a Stick. I am no longer worried about receiving a letter with Anthrax because the chances of that happening are slim. It is far more important to refuse packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

“But you can’t take our Freedom!” I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. This has been tough for me since I now have no place to buy CD’s, DVD’s, plants, clothes, vacuum cleaners, sporks, shiny gift wrap, shoes, or bulk granola bars.

Speaking of the French, I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. Which is sad because it might be that Martin Sheen recording calling to tell me how he thinks I should vote in the next election. The fact that he plays the President on TV gives me the utmost confidence in his selections for my ballot.

I no longer visit Las Vegas because what happens there stays there, including my kidneys in a bucket of ice. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers, or at McDonald’s because, though their chickens aren’t mutants, the McNuggets are made with chicken heads, or at Wendy’s because someone lost a digit in the Chilli, or at Jack In The Box because one of their locations once had a roach, or at Burger King because that costumed King character is actually a demonic, soul possessing representation of Lord Beelzebub, AKA Satan. I typically just don’t eat now.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I will not buy gasoline from Exxon, Shell, Mobile, or BP on December 25th, 2005 in a massive group attempt to cripple the overcharging gas conglomerates who run our daily lives. I have also stopped using other gas and petroleum-based products like Vasoline, plastic and heat.

I no longer need a high speed connection since nothing can surpass the video you sent me of the guy who crapped on a glass plate and the reporter who stood to close the yellow line on the tarmac. And thanks for the Halloween e-card where you carve the pumpkin until it dies with a nails on chalkboard scream in a bloody mess. I think my grandma got a kick out of it. At least that’s what the coroner thought.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. It’s good to make my own cookies since I hear that Famous Amos is secretly run by the Ku Klux Klan in an attempt to not only financially kill the black community, but to slowly poison black people and any of their foolish white supporters that would eat anything with a black man’s face on it.

Thanks to you, I no longer worry about my soul because I have 777 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Which is strange since I am not Catholic and I thought that God only answered my prayers if I forwarded an e-mail to seven of my friends and made a wish within five minutes. But I wonder if that means I can eat Burger King again? Regardless, I am guaranteed a spot in heaven since I purchased 11 nails that were actually used during the filming of The Passion of The Christ, from that email you sent me.

I also no longer go to sleep, because Freddie might get me. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital of a terminal disease that only needs a few more dollars from me before they can find the cure and save her precious life. It’s so nice of that guy in Guam to personally accept and distribute the funds. I am sure that I have saved like 73 lives already this week. Not to mention that, for 30 thousand pennies a day I have been able to save dozens of poor starving children and help them learn to read… the Bible. Too bad I have no money left, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail survey program.

Too bad, I will no longer accept US currency because if you fold it just right you can see the Twin Towers burning and the Pentagon on fire which surely means that the magnetic strip in new money is being used by terrorists to track my every move so that their missiles can home right in on me personally.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 300 loved ones who have helped your life with their forwards in the next 180 seconds, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 one-humped camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump of your own. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's. See attached file WORMKLEZ-H.EXE for proof. Have a good day!!!”

Stupid News Story of The Day

(One could only wonder how much money could have been left after the first robbery)

Cops: Gunman Robs Eatery Twice in One Day

GREENVILLE, S.C. - The same gunman robbed a restaurant twice in one day, Greenville police say. The robber came into the First Wok restaurant around 11:30 a.m. Monday, pointing a gun at an employee and demanding money, according to a police report.

The owner, Yu Guan, chased the gunman in his car, but stopped when the robber flashed the gun again, police said.

Nine hours later, what appeared to be the same man in different clothes came into the restaurant with a similar gun and again robbed the restaurant, police spokesman Lt. Mike Gambrell said.

Guan said his restaurant has been robbed four times since February

Give Thanks

This was a cute e-mail I got from my best friend's mom, and since it is almost Thanksgiving, I just had to pass it along :)

Thank You for This Food

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(So, was the holding hostage part an accident, too?)

Woman Plans to Marry Man Who Shot Her

SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. - A woman said she still plans to marry the man who shot her in the groin and then held her hostage in his family's garage for six days.

Tina Marie Stebbins revealed her intentions in a letter released Monday as her boyfriend, Christian Leroy Lindblad, was sentenced to 20 years in prison for shooting her in June 2002.

"I love Christian today as deeply as I loved him before this awful thing happened to us," Stebbins wrote in a victim impact statement. "We are soul mates."

She added: "I want to tell you all that I have forgiven Christian. And I pray that Christian has forgiven me for failing him when he needed me most."

The incident occurred at the Big Bear City home the couple shared with Lindblad's parents. Lindblad and Stebbins had a history of domestic violence and substance abuse, according to a sentencing report. It also said Lindblad had been drinking at the time of the shooting.

Lindblad and his parents, Robert and Shirley Lindblad, tried to cover up the shooting by treating Stebbins with home remedies, according to a San Bernardino County Sheriff's report. They also threatened her young sons and her family, the report said.

Critically wounded, Stebbins was airlifted to a hospital after Lindblad mentioned the incident to a family friend who was a firefighter.

Lindblad, 37, pleaded guilty to a charge of attempted murder as his trial was about to begin in early October. He has said the shooting was an accident.

His father, Robert Leroy Lindblad, 72, pleaded guilty in 2003 to being an accessory and was sentenced to three years in prison. His mother, Shirley Royann Samantha Lindblad, 62, was sentenced to three years probation after pleading guilty to the same charge.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(I think I'll pass on the fish soda, thank you very much.)

Bottler offers salmon-flavoured drink

SEATTLE (Reuters) - For beverage connoisseurs tired of turkey-and-gravy or green-beans-and-casserole flavoured sodas, there's a new choice being offered this year by specialty U.S. soda maker Jones Soda Co.: salmon.

Jones Soda, the Seattle company that scored a hit during the last two holiday seasons with its turkey and gravy-flavoured sodas, said it is offering the orange-hued fish-flavoured drink this year in a nod to the Pacific Northwest's salmon catch.

"When you smell it, it's got that smoked salmon aroma," said Peter van Stolk, chief executive of Jones Soda.

The salmon-flavoured soda will be offered as part of a $13 "regional holiday pack" that also includes other unusual sodas such as turkey & gravy, corn on the cob, broccoli casserole and pecan pie.

While those five bottles will be offered locally, Jones Soda is also selling its similarly-priced "holiday pack" of turkey and gravy, wild herb stuffing, brussels sprout, cranberry and pumpkin pie sodas across the country.

Thanksgiving, a U.S. holiday that falls on the fourth Thursday of November, typically features a dinner with turkey, gravy and other condiments.

Van Stolk, who built his Seattle-based soda company by selling traditional sodas as well as exotic flavours such as green apple, bubblegum and crushed melon, said that "the most important thing (about Jones Soda) is that we can laugh at ourselves."

Asked whether he liked his new salmon soda, van Stolk said: "I cannot finish a bottle, I just can't."

Quips and Funny Things

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons - does that mean that morality comesfrom morons?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

Pomp & Circus Pants... The Elephant Of Surprize

... & Ba-Dee-Be-Dee-Ba-Dee That's all folks!

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around, God is completely worn out."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Anyone? Going once...going twice...ah, forget about it.)

1 Square Inch of Land for Sale at $1,500

SPENCER, Ind. - A tiny parcel of land in southwest Indiana is some of the priciest real estate in the world. Owen County officials are trying to sell a 1-square-inch plot of land for $1,500. At that rate, an acre of land would cost nearly $7 billion.

No buyers ponied up for the postage-stamp-sized plot during a tax sale.

"It's too small to plant a flower on," said Peter Dorsey, with the county's mapping department.

The parcel was originally part of a 1.12-acre tract under a separate deed, said auditor Angie Lawson. Officials think the tiny piece of land west of Bloomington was deeded to someone in the 1960s, when people had to own property to use a nearby lake.

First National Bank foreclosed on the property owner's mortgage, which covered the entire 1.12-acre tract, and the land was up for bid at the tax sale. There is a minimum bid of $1,500 for tax sale parcels.

County attorney Richard Lorenz said he wants to find a way for the county to get rid of the land and the responsibility of selling it, perhaps by giving it away.

"Maybe we could donate that 1-inch plot to Owen County Preservations as the smallest land donation in history," Lorenz said.

My new hamster, Lil Oreo - now Squeakers has a friend :)
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Stupid News Story of The Day

(Watch out, Nessie...you're next!)

Hunting Season Opens for Mythical Creature

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - A mythical monster, believed by some to have lived for hundreds of years in the murky depths of a Swedish lake, is now fair game for hunters — if they can find it. Authorities have agreed to lift its endangered species protection.

Hundreds of people claim to have spotted a large serpent-like creature in Lake Storsjon in the northwestern province of Jamtland, and in 1986 the regional council put it on a list of endangered animals.

But a government watchdog challenged the decision, saying such protection was hardly necessary for a creature whose existence has not been proven.

The regional council agreed to remove the listing this month, but declined to rule out that a monster lives in the 300-foot deep lake.

"It exists, inasmuch as it lives in the minds of people," the council's chief legal adviser Peter Lif said about the purported beast. "But I guess we'll have to agree that it cannot be proved scientifically, and then it should not be listed as an endangered species."

The so-called Storsjo monster was first mentioned in print in 1635. Hundreds of sightings have been reported since then. Some people describe the creature as a snakelike animal with a dog's head and fins on its neck. But no clear image of it has been captured on camera.

Storsjo monster aficionados said lifting the endangered species protection was a mistake, and appeared insulted by the decision.

"We are not fanatics," said Christer Berko, of the Storsjo monster association. "We see this as very interesting phenomenon that we unfortunately have not been able to document."

Finally a Friday

Oh good lord. Yesterday, I left work early because of a migraine headache. I am not normally the kind of person that caves in from pain, but I am sorry, Mr Migraine beat the crap out of me yesterday. I went home, took some painkillers, and went to bed and slept til like 7:30. Then I went back to bed around 10 and slept some more. And this morning, I had the beginnings of another headache, so I took some Advil, which will hopefully keep that sucker away. Grrrrr. I hate migraines. But they seem to love me - lol.

So, this morning I was driving to work (uh oh....here comes the road rage story and some more cussing, you say ... haha), and was fully expecting someone to piss me off, but guess what? No one pissed me off this morning! It's a miracle!!!! Maybe someone up there was feeling bad about giving me a migraine yesterday and decided to make my morning drive pleasantly pissed-off free. There is always the drive home, though ;) I am such a pessimist!

The rain finally came last night, after days of mis-forecasting. I heard it when I was getting ready for bed. So, of course, this morning there was a little bit of fog, just as I had predicted - hehe. Being that there was fog, made me all the more sure that some driver was gonna piss me off. Guess I mis-predicted that one.

In keeping with the whole driving theme, here is my new list...

List what kinds of people should never drive cars:

1.Crazy people. (guess that rules out everyone! hehe)

2. People with Alzheimer's, dementia, narcolepsy, epilepsy or other diseases that cause a person to black out or forget things.

3. People with explosive tempers.

4. People who have been drinking or doing drugs....including prescription drugs that can cause dizziness and/or drowsiness.

5. People who are too sleepy to drive.

6. People without a driver's license......duh.

7. People who are easily distracted (guess that rules out everyone, too - hehe)

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"I always take care to distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Whoop, there it is!!)

Calif. Motorist Struck by Flying Deer

BLACKHAWK, Calif. - Motorist Robert Brooks thought he hit a deer. That is, until he got out of his car and the deer hit him.

Brooks stopped his car Tuesday evening along a rural road 35 miles east of San Francisco to check for damage from the collision.

Nothing. No damage and no sign of the deer.

Then headlights from another car emerged and that car struck the animal, propelling it airborne into Brooks and breaking his ankle.

"He was in the wrong place at the wrong time," said California Highway Patrol Officer Steve Creel.

The deer was pronounced dead at the scene. Authorities are still looking for the driver of the second vehicle.

Go list yourself...part deux

Time for another list! Aren't you excited?? hehe

List the most exhilarating experiences you're ever had:

1. Flying on a plane for the first time.
2. Graduating from college.
3. Falling in love.
4. Seeing Yosemite Valley for the first time.
5. Riding rollercoasters.
6. Seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time.
7. Going to my first concert.
8. Swinging so high on a swing that I felt like I was touching the sky.
9. Walking on the beach.
10. Sex.
11. Riding to the top of Heavenly Valley in Tahoe on the gondolas. It was so beautiful!
12. Driving across the Golden Gate Bridge.
13. Hay fights in the barn loft with my cousins.
14. the Girl Scout trip to San Francisco.

That is all I could come up with at the time. I am sure there are many more :)

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"What is all this stuff about a kick being 'partially blocked?' It's either blocked, not blocked, or deflected. Partially blocked is like 'somewhat dead."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Polly want a ...... hehe)

Woman Arrested for Stuffing Bird Into Bra

FORT MYERS, Florida - A Florida woman has been arrested for padding her bra — with a stolen parrot.

Jill Knispel, 35, is facing felony charges after hiding a rare Greenwing parrot in her bra and stealing it from her employer, Baby Exotic Birds, police said.

Knispel allegedly stole the bird so she could trade it for a vintage 1964 Volkswagen Karmann Ghia automobile. She couldn't resist telling the car's owner how she got the animal, according to the Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. Turns out the car's owner is friends with the man who owns the $2,000 bird.

DNA tests confirmed the bird's identity and Knispel was charged Saturday with grand theft.

"The circumstances of the case are the most bizarre I've ever encountered," said veteran wildlife investigator Lenny Barshinger.

Oh, go list yourself.

I got this book called "List Yourself." It's basically a book with a whole bunch of subjects to make lists of. It is supposed to give you a new way to discover yourself....I just like it cuz it gives me something to do - lol. Anyway, it was only $4 (I got it at Half.com), so it wasn't a big purchase. So, here is my first entry...

List the situations that always make you cry:

1. Watching a sad scene in a movie, where a character that you have grown to like dies or something sad happens to them.

2. When I am visiting someone I care about who I haven't seen in a long time, and have to leave and I know I won't see him/her again for a long time.

3. When someone I care about is in trouble, sick, dying, or hurt and I can't do anything to make them better.

4. When I feel like I have disappointed someone who means something to me.

5. When I feel extremely lonely, helpless, scared and feel like I have no one to turn to.

6. When I have lost someone I care about.

7. Breakups.

8. When I am in a lot of pain and feel like I just can't take it anymore.

9. PMS - during PMS I am bound to cry at the drop of a hat - lol

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Where did this idea come from that if you're a celebrity, and something bad happens to you, you have to devote your life to eliminating the same problem for everyone else? Why doesn't a celebrity with milk leg ever do something about dandy fever? How about an actor with woolsorter's disease raising money for the victims of swimming pool granuloma? That's the trouble with Hollywood, no imagination."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Watch out for drunken moose.)

Two Drunken Moose Invade Home for Elderly

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - They rarely have problems with drunks or rowdy animals, but residents of an elderly home in southern Sweden had to deal with both when a pair of intoxicated moose invaded the premises.

The moose — a cow and her calf — had become drunk over the weekend by eating fermented apples they found outside the home in Sibbhult, southern Sweden, said Anna Karlsson, who works there.

Police managed to scare them off once, but the large mammals returned to get more of the tempting fruits. This time the moose were drunk and aggressive, forcing police to send for a hunter with a dog to make them leave.

Police did not pursue the culprits, but made sure all apples were picked up from the area, local police chief Bengt Hallberg said. No one was hurt.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Next time they give you all that civic crap about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Well, I don't have a ball, but I do have this here grenade...)

Three die playing catch with grenade

BANJA LUKA, Bosnia (Reuters) - A hand grenade being used instead of a ball in a game of catch exploded early on Saturday killing three youths in this Bosnian town, police and news agencies said.

Two youths aged 19 and 20, one of them from neighboring Croatia, were killed instantly while a 20-year-old woman died on her way to hospital, police said. Her sister was slightly injured but two other youths suffered serious injuries.

The blast occurred at 2:00 a.m. in the western town of Novi Grad at a place in the town center frequented by youngsters. Police said an inquiry was under way and declined further comment. It was not clear why the grenade exploded.

ONASA news agency quoted witnesses as saying the youths tossed the hand grenade to each other before it exploded in the hands of one of them.

Bosnia is awash with illegal weapons left over from the 1992-95 war and tragic incidents are frequent despite several successful campaigns by international peacekeepers and police to get people to hand over illegal weapons.

My hump, my hump...

Hehehe....my friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, so we'll call her "Humpy", just called me with a funny ass story. She was in sexual harassment training in Visalia today, when her cell phone rings. Now, Humpy is one of those girly-girls who has a special ring tone for her husband....and her ring tone just happens to be "My Humps" by The Black-Eyed Peas. In case you haven't heard this song, here is a little sample of the lyrics...

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk
All that junk inside that trunk

I'ma get get get get you drunk
Get you love drunk off my hump

Whatcha gonna do with all that ass
All that ass inside your jeans

I'ma make make make make you scream
Make you scream make you scream

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk
All that junk inside that trunk

I'ma get get get get you drunk
Get you love drunk off this hump

Whatcha gonna do with all that breast
All that breast inside that shirt

I'ma make make make make you work
Make you work work make you work

So......here's Humpy....listening to how to NOT sexually harass someone, ears-deep in a state-mandated sexual harassment training session, when "Whatcha gonna do with all that ass" starts blaring out of her cell phone....I about died laughing......too freakin' funny!!!!

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"I admire an intelligent man with really unattractive, badly stained and crooked teeth who makes a lot of money and still doesn't get his teeth fixed. It's an interesting choice."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(...and if anyone pees in public, chop off their wee-wee!)

Mayor: Sever Thumbs of Graffiti Artists

RENO, Nev. - Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman has suggested that those who deface freeways with graffiti should have their thumbs cut off on television.

Goodman, appearing Wednesday on the "Nevada Newsmakers" television show, said, "In the old days in France, they had beheading of people who commit heinous crimes.

"You know, we have a beautiful highway landscaping redevelopment in our downtown. We have desert tortoises and beautiful paintings of flora and fauna. These punks come along and deface it.

"I'm saying maybe you put them on TV and cut off a thumb," the mayor added. "That may be the right thing to do."

Goodman also suggested that whippings or canings should be brought back for children who get into trouble.

"I also believe in a little bit of corporal punishment going back to the days of yore, where examples have to be shown," Goodman said.

"I'm dead serious," said Goodman, adding, "Some of these (children) don't learn. You have got to teach them a lesson, and this is coming from a criminal defense lawyer."

"They would get a trial first," he added.

Another panelist on the show, Howard Rosenberg, a state university system regent, responded by saying that cutting off the thumbs of taggers won't solve the problem and Goodman should "use his head for something other than a hat rack."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Maybe he should have stuck with the bicycle.)

Baggy Pants Trip Up Mich. Theft Suspect

FERNDALE, Mich. - A man suspected of stealing discs from a video store was tripped up by his baggy pants, falling twice before police captured him, authorities said.

James Green, 30, of Detroit, took about a half-dozen DVDs on Sunday night, and initially made his getaway on a bicycle, police said.

Officers spotted him in an alley, and he abandoned the bike and ran, but his pants fell to his ankles and he tripped, Ferndale Detective Sgt. Patrick Jones told The Daily Tribune of Royal Oak. "Finally, he kicked off his pants and shoes" and then jumped a fence into the backyard of a house where he was captured, Jones said.

On Monday, Green pleaded guilty to resisting arrest and retail fraud and was ordered jailed for 30 days.

Remember when....

I made a photo slide show that you can see by clicking HERE. It is too funny. Just a bunch of pictures of me, my brother, my dad and grandpa back in the old days. hehe. If nothing else, it is sure to make at least one person laugh - lol.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of stuff you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. In any well-managed universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(He got the dough, but didn't get his pie.)

Pizza parlor burglar gets away with dough

SAN CLEMENTE, California (Reuters) - A pizza parlor burglar who took the time to bake himself a large pepperoni to go beat it when the overnight crew arrived but still got away with plenty of dough, police said.

Authorities believe that Monday's caper in the coastal Southern California town of San Clemente may have been interrupted by an employee arriving to work at Sonny's Pizza & Pasta, forcing the would-be baker to forgo his predawn snack and flee hastily with only the restaurant's safe.

A surveillance camera captured the entire incident, and the Orange County Sheriff's Department plans on publicizing the videotape to aid their search for the thief.

The suspect entered the restaurant about 2 a.m. and rummaged around for a cook's apron, trying on several until he found one that fit, then began preparing a pepperoni pizza with all the fixings, said sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino.

The employee arrived at about 3 a.m., found the pizza smoldering in the oven and the safe missing with an undisclosed amount of cash.