Do you love me...now that I can dance...

Watch me now...

I didn't get my first real kiss til I was 19. Yeah, 19. Alot of people have had their first sexual encounter by then, but not me. I always had this dreamer's notion that a kiss should be from someone special. It should be like in the movies and sweep you off of your feet. And, yes, my first kiss did sweep me off of my feet, and it made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman on earth....for a moment. Then reality came crashing down a few months later when that relationship soured, and it made me realize that love doesn't come without a price, and one perfect kiss does not always lead to "happily ever after." That, my friends, only happens to Cinderella and Snow White.
Ever since I was a teenager, I have been so afraid of showing others how I felt. I was so scared that if I let my true feelings out, that my friends would laugh at me or get angry with me, or, worse, get hurt by something I said. I was also very afraid of being betrayed by something I said.For example, when I was in seventh grade, I told my friend that I liked this boy named Billy. She said she would keep it a secret. Well, you can imagine the horror I felt when I came to homeroom the next day and saw, in huge bold letters on the chalkboard, "Kim loves Billy." I wanted to just die! You would think I would learn after one time, but no. It happened again in my freshman year in high school, when I had this crush on a boy named Dustin. I told my friend that I thought he was cute, and the next thing I knew, the whole school knew how I felt. Again, I was so humilitated that I wanted to run away back to the safety of my home.
I guess it is because of these things that I am so introverted and unable to express my deep down feelings. Now, I have absolutely no trouble voicing my opinion on a subject such as abortion or the death penalty. I could debate for hours on stuff like that. I guess it is because I have no attachment to those subjects personally. They are abstracts, not living , breathing beings. You can't look at a death penalty in the face and talk to it, because it is a concept, not a human being. It is a lot harder to look at someone and tell them how you really feel. And I think it is because we, as people, generally have a need to be wanted and loved. And if we are pushed away or rejected, it hurts a lot because that need is not being met, and we end up wondering what it is about us that the other person doesn't like. At least it is that way for me.
Yes, I have been rejected before. And I suppose most people have at some point in their lives. It is not unusual. It is part of life. Granted it is not a part of life that we go out and celebrate (unless you got a divorce from an axe murderer...I say that is cause to celebrate). Rejection and abandonment are very painful things to go through. But everyone must go through them. Some people get through it just fine and move on. Others, like me, wallow in misery and wonder WHY we weren't good enough.
I have this deep-rooted fear of abandonment, and I can't quite put my finger on as to why I have this fear. I can easily say I have a fear of heights because of an incident that happened on a ferris wheel when I was a kid, or that I am afraid of big dogs because I was chased and bitten by one once. But this other fear, I can't explain. I suppose a shrink would say that because I am adopted I subconsciously have a fear of abandonment, but I have never, ever felt abandoned because of that. In fact, I really feel quite lucky to have been picked by two great parents. I guess I am just afraid that I will end up all alone someday, regretting never having voiced how I felt down deep inside...always wondering "what if?"
And isn't that a fear we all have down deep inside? Don't we as human beings have a need to be close with other people? Don't we all have a need to be loved and accepted? I suppose some people won't own up to it, but I believe that we do. I will be up front and say that I NEED to love...I NEED to be loved...I NEED to feel loved...I NEED to feel wanted. I need.
So is it better to live your life without telling people how you feel, thereby negating any possiblity of being rejected or abandoned? Or is it better to tell people how you feel and chance the possibility of being rejected and perhaps humiliated? I wouldn't know. I have never gotten up enough courage to express myself to anyone. It is easy to live your life taking no risks, but by doing that, you are also denying your chance at happiness. And if you take risks, you take a chance at utter and total humiliation in order to have a chance at happiness. It seems I have come to a crossroads here. I give my utmost respect and admiration for those who dare to express themselves. As for me, "Do I dare disturb the universe?"... Naw...I think I will leave it undisturbed for a while yet.

Don't Touch This !

Ok....let me start off by saying that fibromyalgia SUCKS ASS ! Sorry, but there is no eloquent way to put it. I could think of a few more 4-letter words to stick in there, but I will refrain from doing so...for now. Today has been one of the worse days. I knew it was going to be a bad day from the moment I got out of bed. I could not sleep last nite, so I woke up all groggy and feeling downright bad. But I really knew today was going to be an "F" day ("f" is for fibromyalgia, by the way), when I lightly bumped my arm up against the wall, and it hurt like someone had just poked me with a hot poker. There really is no way to explain the pain, unless you have it yourself. It is a dull, throbbing, sometimes heated pain that seems to radiate throughout your body. I get fatigued very quickly and generally just feel like crud throughout the day. The cold is like murder to me....even the feel of a cold draft can cause intense pain. It is almost like a knife going through my body...not that I have ever had a knife go through my body...I can only imagine that that is what it feels like. I often get cranky, and people don't really know WHY I am so cranky. Well, let me just tell you that it is due to lack of sleep and pain. Sometimes just a friendly hug or pat on the back can send me to painsville. And I never want to say anything to people about it, for fear of hurting their feelings. Even just the feel of my shirt on my skin is painful at times. Now, the doctor says this a typical symptom of the big F, and he, of course, prescribed pain killers and even prozac to help with the pain and to help me sleep. I also have rheumatoid arthritis and/or lupus...the doctor isn't quite sure which one I have yet. I have been going to a rheumatologist for about 2 years now, and they still don't know what is wrong with me, only that I am borderline anemic and have something in my body that is causing inflammation....a great deal of inflammation. So, for now, I will have to do my best to muddle through the bad days and make sure the good days are as good as I can make them, for they are few and far between.

I am addicted to this game Collapse...check out my high score, 1,406,616. I rock at Collapse!!! he he
Posted by Hello

A Christmas Song

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas (my version)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Ev'rywhere you go,
Take a look at the shopping mall, shoppers wall to wall,
With long, long lines and people rude as hell.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Toys in all the stores,
And the people scream and fight, over the very last Lite Brite,
Is this what Christmas is for??

A game of Monopoly and a doll that cries and pees,
Is the wish of Cindy and Sue.
A Play Station 2 and a pair of new shoes,
Is the hope of Bill and Ted.
But mom and dad are hopping mad cuz their kids have all been bad.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Ev'rywhere you go.
There's homeless guy on the street, and ev'ryone he meets,
Walks on by without blinking an eye.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Soon the sales will start,
So you better be prepared to pull out all your hair,
After a day at Wal-Mart.

12/14/04

The Love Song of C. Brown

Here is an excerpt from my favorite poem of all time, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"


And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep . . . tired . . . or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet - and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it towards some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all"-
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all."

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor -
And this, and so much more? -
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
"That is not it at all, That is not what I meant, at all."

What TS Eliot was saying in the above excerpt from his poem, can basically be summed up in the following quote from Charlie Brown:

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." - Charles Schultz (Charlie Brown in Peanuts)

A few years ago it SNOWED, yes snowed, in Bakersfield, CA...and it hasn't snowed since.
Posted by Hello

I decided to take one of those "personality tests" online. Here is what mine came up with.....not completely accurate, but most of it is surprisingly true!


Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.Generated on Mon Dec 13 23:20:37 2004.

Your Existing Situation
Working to create for herself a firm foundation on which to erect a secure, comfortable, and problem-free future, in which she will be granted respect and recognition.
(I want a problem-free future? Even I am not that much of a dreamer! lol)

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled expectations have led to uncertainly and an apprehensive watchfulness. Badly needs to feel secure and protected against further disappointment, being passed over, or losing standing and prestige. Doubtful that things will be any better in the future, but inclined nevertheless to make exaggerated demands or reject compromise.
(pretty much right on the mark)

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being.
(very true)

Your Desired Objective
Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a situation of idealized harmony. Has an imperative need for tenderness and affection. Susceptible to anything esthetic.
(this one is right on the mark!)

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.
(hmmm.... kind of true)

Your Actual Problem #2
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.
(personal charm?? I wasn't aware I had any of that! )
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the most part, things were on the mark. But I think these things are more for entertainment value than anything else. They are fun to take, and sometimes they yield surprisingly accurate results. Pretty interesting.

Bad Aries
Posted by Hello

Good Aries
Posted by Hello

The Evil Tower of Death...aka...The Supreme Scream

There is nothing in the world that scares me more than being way up high. And nothing in the world scares me more than that than being way up high in the open with nothing below my feet but air ...that feeling that you are going to plunge to certain death at any moment. It is a feeling that makes me start to breathe faster and makes my heart start pounding in my chest until I feel like I will surely pass out from fright. And that is what I feel like BEFORE I even go up. That is how I felt when I was standing on the ground looking 250-some-odd-feet up into the air up at the ride I was standing in line to ride...the Supreme Scream at Knott's Berry Farm..or as I have fondly come to call it, "The Evil Tower of Death." I was ready to supremely scream before I even got on the ride. I was standing in line, nearly hyperventilating at the very idea of getting strapped into what I considered to be certain death. And if the ride itself didn't kill me, I was surely going to have a heart attack just waiting in line to ride! My hands got clammy, my heart felt like it was in my throat and I could barely breathe. And when it came time to get on the ride, I wanted to cry. I wanted to turn around and run like a little baby away from the tower of death. I really felt like I was surely going to die at any moment. I could not make sure enough that the ride constraints were tightened tight enough. I pushed and pulled at them making sure that they were not going to budge. With my hands clasped as tight around the bars as I could, my friend Veronica (who I had probably by this time scared into a stupor with all of my hyperventilating and all), and I ascended the 250+ foot tower of death. It felt like it took an eternity. My eyes closed tight and my hands wrapped around the bars, I could feel the wind blowing around me. It seemed to make the tower move, but I imagine that was only in my mind. I was even a bit concerned that my shoes would fall off from the sheer force of the drop. And just when I thought we were at the top of the ride, I opened my eyes, only to find, much to my horror, that we were only about halfway up. At this point I was nearly in a panic, and I was thinking to myself that I should have kept my feet on the ground and never have done this. I shut my eyes back tight and clasped my hands tighter...so tight that I felt like they became part of the bars themselves. Then the dreaded moment came....the moment where we stopped, and then I knew that at any second, the ride would drop and I would die. Only me though. I was sure I, and only I, was going to die. We sat there, 250 feet off of the safety of the earth, gravity seeming to want to pull us back to the ground. I almost felt like I was in a sort of tug-of-war between the gravity and the evil tower of death, and no side was winning. After what seemed like an eternity, gravity finally won, and we plummeted back to earth at what felt like 1000 miles an hour...my stomach in my throat, my heart pounding, wind blowing against my body, and me wanting to scream, but having no breath to do so. And just when it felt like we were at the bottom at last, we were hurled about halfway back up that tower of death and were flung back down to earth....then up again once more and back down. And finally, at last, I was able to breathe again, and know that I was going to live to see another day. With as much dignity as I could muster after having had blubbered all the way up the tower, I climbed off the ride, legs trembling and body shaking, heart racing and wondered when I was going to be able to do that again!