Hehehe

Dear Friends & Loved Ones,

I wish to express my thanks to all those who have forwarded me informative e-mails in hopes of making my life better. Especially to the person who sent me the one about rats in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. I guess it’s not so bad to have the towel around though, so I can also clean the rat turds and Herpes off of all my canned goods and sodas.

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. You have made me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer, as does sugar, Nutrasweet, saccharin, Equal, Splenda, salt and anything else that might actually make food taste good. Damn those cancerous lab rats! And damn the guy who tested the Saran Wrap on them!

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or pump my own gas because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. That probably won’t matter since I drank a can of Tab today when I didn’t have my towel.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume or cologne sample and rob me. It sucks not getting to see those girls make the lemonade at Hot Dog on a Stick. I am no longer worried about receiving a letter with Anthrax because the chances of that happening are slim. It is far more important to refuse packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

“But you can’t take our Freedom!” I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. This has been tough for me since I now have no place to buy CD’s, DVD’s, plants, clothes, vacuum cleaners, sporks, shiny gift wrap, shoes, or bulk granola bars.

Speaking of the French, I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. Which is sad because it might be that Martin Sheen recording calling to tell me how he thinks I should vote in the next election. The fact that he plays the President on TV gives me the utmost confidence in his selections for my ballot.

I no longer visit Las Vegas because what happens there stays there, including my kidneys in a bucket of ice. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers, or at McDonald’s because, though their chickens aren’t mutants, the McNuggets are made with chicken heads, or at Wendy’s because someone lost a digit in the Chilli, or at Jack In The Box because one of their locations once had a roach, or at Burger King because that costumed King character is actually a demonic, soul possessing representation of Lord Beelzebub, AKA Satan. I typically just don’t eat now.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I will not buy gasoline from Exxon, Shell, Mobile, or BP on December 25th, 2005 in a massive group attempt to cripple the overcharging gas conglomerates who run our daily lives. I have also stopped using other gas and petroleum-based products like Vasoline, plastic and heat.

I no longer need a high speed connection since nothing can surpass the video you sent me of the guy who crapped on a glass plate and the reporter who stood to close the yellow line on the tarmac. And thanks for the Halloween e-card where you carve the pumpkin until it dies with a nails on chalkboard scream in a bloody mess. I think my grandma got a kick out of it. At least that’s what the coroner thought.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. It’s good to make my own cookies since I hear that Famous Amos is secretly run by the Ku Klux Klan in an attempt to not only financially kill the black community, but to slowly poison black people and any of their foolish white supporters that would eat anything with a black man’s face on it.

Thanks to you, I no longer worry about my soul because I have 777 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Which is strange since I am not Catholic and I thought that God only answered my prayers if I forwarded an e-mail to seven of my friends and made a wish within five minutes. But I wonder if that means I can eat Burger King again? Regardless, I am guaranteed a spot in heaven since I purchased 11 nails that were actually used during the filming of The Passion of The Christ, from that email you sent me.

I also no longer go to sleep, because Freddie might get me. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital of a terminal disease that only needs a few more dollars from me before they can find the cure and save her precious life. It’s so nice of that guy in Guam to personally accept and distribute the funds. I am sure that I have saved like 73 lives already this week. Not to mention that, for 30 thousand pennies a day I have been able to save dozens of poor starving children and help them learn to read… the Bible. Too bad I have no money left, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail survey program.

Too bad, I will no longer accept US currency because if you fold it just right you can see the Twin Towers burning and the Pentagon on fire which surely means that the magnetic strip in new money is being used by terrorists to track my every move so that their missiles can home right in on me personally.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 300 loved ones who have helped your life with their forwards in the next 180 seconds, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 one-humped camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump of your own. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's. See attached file WORMKLEZ-H.EXE for proof. Have a good day!!!”

Stupid News Story of The Day

(One could only wonder how much money could have been left after the first robbery)

Cops: Gunman Robs Eatery Twice in One Day

GREENVILLE, S.C. - The same gunman robbed a restaurant twice in one day, Greenville police say. The robber came into the First Wok restaurant around 11:30 a.m. Monday, pointing a gun at an employee and demanding money, according to a police report.

The owner, Yu Guan, chased the gunman in his car, but stopped when the robber flashed the gun again, police said.

Nine hours later, what appeared to be the same man in different clothes came into the restaurant with a similar gun and again robbed the restaurant, police spokesman Lt. Mike Gambrell said.

Guan said his restaurant has been robbed four times since February

Give Thanks

This was a cute e-mail I got from my best friend's mom, and since it is almost Thanksgiving, I just had to pass it along :)

Thank You for This Food

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(So, was the holding hostage part an accident, too?)

Woman Plans to Marry Man Who Shot Her

SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. - A woman said she still plans to marry the man who shot her in the groin and then held her hostage in his family's garage for six days.

Tina Marie Stebbins revealed her intentions in a letter released Monday as her boyfriend, Christian Leroy Lindblad, was sentenced to 20 years in prison for shooting her in June 2002.

"I love Christian today as deeply as I loved him before this awful thing happened to us," Stebbins wrote in a victim impact statement. "We are soul mates."

She added: "I want to tell you all that I have forgiven Christian. And I pray that Christian has forgiven me for failing him when he needed me most."

The incident occurred at the Big Bear City home the couple shared with Lindblad's parents. Lindblad and Stebbins had a history of domestic violence and substance abuse, according to a sentencing report. It also said Lindblad had been drinking at the time of the shooting.

Lindblad and his parents, Robert and Shirley Lindblad, tried to cover up the shooting by treating Stebbins with home remedies, according to a San Bernardino County Sheriff's report. They also threatened her young sons and her family, the report said.

Critically wounded, Stebbins was airlifted to a hospital after Lindblad mentioned the incident to a family friend who was a firefighter.

Lindblad, 37, pleaded guilty to a charge of attempted murder as his trial was about to begin in early October. He has said the shooting was an accident.

His father, Robert Leroy Lindblad, 72, pleaded guilty in 2003 to being an accessory and was sentenced to three years in prison. His mother, Shirley Royann Samantha Lindblad, 62, was sentenced to three years probation after pleading guilty to the same charge.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(I think I'll pass on the fish soda, thank you very much.)

Bottler offers salmon-flavoured drink

SEATTLE (Reuters) - For beverage connoisseurs tired of turkey-and-gravy or green-beans-and-casserole flavoured sodas, there's a new choice being offered this year by specialty U.S. soda maker Jones Soda Co.: salmon.

Jones Soda, the Seattle company that scored a hit during the last two holiday seasons with its turkey and gravy-flavoured sodas, said it is offering the orange-hued fish-flavoured drink this year in a nod to the Pacific Northwest's salmon catch.

"When you smell it, it's got that smoked salmon aroma," said Peter van Stolk, chief executive of Jones Soda.

The salmon-flavoured soda will be offered as part of a $13 "regional holiday pack" that also includes other unusual sodas such as turkey & gravy, corn on the cob, broccoli casserole and pecan pie.

While those five bottles will be offered locally, Jones Soda is also selling its similarly-priced "holiday pack" of turkey and gravy, wild herb stuffing, brussels sprout, cranberry and pumpkin pie sodas across the country.

Thanksgiving, a U.S. holiday that falls on the fourth Thursday of November, typically features a dinner with turkey, gravy and other condiments.

Van Stolk, who built his Seattle-based soda company by selling traditional sodas as well as exotic flavours such as green apple, bubblegum and crushed melon, said that "the most important thing (about Jones Soda) is that we can laugh at ourselves."

Asked whether he liked his new salmon soda, van Stolk said: "I cannot finish a bottle, I just can't."

Quips and Funny Things

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons - does that mean that morality comesfrom morons?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

Pomp & Circus Pants... The Elephant Of Surprize

... & Ba-Dee-Be-Dee-Ba-Dee That's all folks!

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around, God is completely worn out."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Anyone? Going once...going twice...ah, forget about it.)

1 Square Inch of Land for Sale at $1,500

SPENCER, Ind. - A tiny parcel of land in southwest Indiana is some of the priciest real estate in the world. Owen County officials are trying to sell a 1-square-inch plot of land for $1,500. At that rate, an acre of land would cost nearly $7 billion.

No buyers ponied up for the postage-stamp-sized plot during a tax sale.

"It's too small to plant a flower on," said Peter Dorsey, with the county's mapping department.

The parcel was originally part of a 1.12-acre tract under a separate deed, said auditor Angie Lawson. Officials think the tiny piece of land west of Bloomington was deeded to someone in the 1960s, when people had to own property to use a nearby lake.

First National Bank foreclosed on the property owner's mortgage, which covered the entire 1.12-acre tract, and the land was up for bid at the tax sale. There is a minimum bid of $1,500 for tax sale parcels.

County attorney Richard Lorenz said he wants to find a way for the county to get rid of the land and the responsibility of selling it, perhaps by giving it away.

"Maybe we could donate that 1-inch plot to Owen County Preservations as the smallest land donation in history," Lorenz said.