Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Do you ever wonder who empties the wishing wells? That's our money. I've never received an accounting. It's just gone. Someone, apparently, is emptying the wishing wells and keeping the money. And I'm wondering whether or not that cancels out the wishes."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(If you can't trust your hitman, then who can you trust?)

Japanese woman calls cops over unreliable hitman

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese woman called in the police after a hitman she paid to kill her lover's wife failed to carry out the job.

The 32-year-old Tokyo woman was arrested on Wednesday for incitement to murder, the Daily Yomiuri newspaper said on Friday.

The woman contacted a private detective through a Web site last November and paid him 1 million yen (4,991 pounds) in cash to murder her love rival, the paper said.

The 40-year-old detective accepted the money and suggested he could carry out the job by chasing the victim on a motorcycle and spraying her with a biological agent in a tunnel.

Police also arrested the private detective and found the alleged target safe and well, the paper said.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Now here's a great contest..lose and you might be eaten. How's that for motivation?)

Sheep star in Croatia online reality

ZAGREB (Reuters) - Croatia has launched a new reality show on the Internet, starring sheep instead of people.

The winner of the 10-day Stado (herd) show, which closes on September 17, will receive poetry in its honour instead of money.

Those voted out of the seven-member herd might be eaten, the Vecernji List daily reported on Wednesday.

The show can be followed 24 hours a day on website www.stado.org, where visitors can see how the sheep feed and interact with each other.

They can then choose which sheep to vote out.

The show drew anger from human rights groups who reported animal abuse to local veterinary inspectors.

"I am not an insensitive bastard who abuses animals. We've called a vet for those sheep that were in poorer shape," organiser Sinisa Labrovic told the daily.

He said the aim of the project was to show that "more and more people, especially those who take part in reality shows, are made to look like sheep in every situation".

Why I hate Mondays so very, very much

Mondays suck. That is just a fact. It is just wrong to have to come back to work after a nice couple of days off. It just is! Especially if you can't get to sleep on Sunday nights, which I never can. I spent half of yesterday at work groggy and cranky and the other half just insane...I will explain later, and probably in WAY too much detail.

Mondays are a day when you come back to work, after a few days off, to a pile of work. And not just work that you had from the previous week....you also come back to work usually with your voice mail full of messages from over the weekend, most of them "urgent" calls. What "urgent" means, however, varies from person to person. To some people, "urgent" is something like when their house is on fire or they are having a heart attack. To others, however, it means something like they can't find their other shoe or they got a splinter in their finger. What bugs me is that people KNOW we are closed on the weekends, yet they leave like 5 messages on a Saturday expecting you to magically pick up and call them, even though you don't even have access to your voice mail. A psychic friend I am not. And if it really WERE urgent, I am sure the police or the fire department is who they should be calling. Not me. I am not trained in search and rescue. Sorry folks, can't help you there. Nor can I find your shoe. I don't even know what they look like.

Mondays are a day, also, when you just don't want to be at work. I don't know if it is psychological or what. I think it is just knowing that for the next 4 or 5 days, you are going to have to rise and shine earlier than you would like to and stay indoors at work all day long when you could be doing something fun, like playing baseball, or going to a movie, or sleeping, or looking for your shoes. Who wants to be cooped up indoors when there are things to do which are a lot more fun than sitting at a desk. What could possibly be more fun than sitting at a desk for 9 or 10 hours a day? Oh, I don't know. I spend most of my day at a desk. Who knows what fun really feels like.

I also usually come home from work on Mondays with a headache. Headaches...the gift that keeps on giving. Screw Tylenol! Bring on the pain! Oh joy. What fun it is to be sitting at a desk all day long, dreaming about what fun used to feel like, with a throbbing head and answering calls from people who can't find their shoes! Oh yeah! I can't think of a better way to spend the day. No sir, I can't.

Yeah, yesterday I went from sleepy to insane in a matter of hours. Where else but work can you get that kind of excitement? I started the morning pretty well. Just sleepy from my lack of sleep the night before, but I drank a caffeine cocktail (aka Pepsi) and all was getting better. Then after lunch, things got ugly. Yeah, I was awake by then, but then the wrath of C (names are changed to protect the innocent) came down on me and I was afraid. Yes, I was afraid. One look at her cases can strike fear and aggravation into the heart of even the most patient of people, like me. She had the case from hell. I am talking the 7th layer of hell here. Yeah, it was that bad. I think I even saw that 3-headed dog from hell, Cerberus, on one of the forms in the case folder. Or maybe that was just a hallucination. I hope it was. I think we worked on that puppy from about 2:30 to after 5 pm and it STILL was messed up. Which means that Monday's work is going to flow into today's work, which is like extending the Monday. How wrong is that?! The computer was not computing the income right, and that is math, and math and I don't get along. I looked at that case over and over again like 5-6 times and by that time, everything looked the same. 2's started to look like 5's and 7's started to look like 9's. Day became night...night became day. Summer became winter (which in this building is not hard to fathom since it is freezing in here!!). My eyes fell out of focus and I about passed out. Not just from all the confusion in the case, but because C kept asking me, "Why is it doing that?" I wanted so badly to shake her and say , " I DON'T KNOW! That's what I keep saying!!!!!!!!" But I didn't. I don't think I had enough energy left in me to even muster a slight chokehold let alone a tight stranglehold. The girl, and I know she is trying otherwise I would have already KILLED her, drives me nuts! I tell her step by step how to do something and 2 minutes later she is asking me how to do it again. And it is not just once. I can tell her how to do the same thing 10 times and she will still forget how to do it! And then she keeps asking me, "Now why are we doing this?" and "How do you do that again?" I want to beat someone senseless, but sadly my brother is at work. Sigh. I am getting another headache just thinking about it. It aggravates me because it makes me feel like she isn't even listening to a word I say. It is like it goes in one ear and out someone else's. The girl can't retain information for even a minute. She is gonna have trouble someday if she ever gets Alzheimer's. Seriously! Maybe she has early onset Alzheimer's or something. Or maybe, just a case of "the stupids." Heck, even I get the stupids sometimes. But is only temporary, and not chronic like some people.

So, here it is Tuesday today, and the storm that was Monday has passed, leaving my twisted, messed up brain in its wake. My head is still hurting despite downing 2 Tylenol Pm's last night. I hope C does not bring me another jacked up case like that today. I need at least a week to recover from that mind numbing experience. My brain has been traumatized by all of this. Now if only I could find my shoe....

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would the oath still count? Does God really care? Does anyone?"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Funny, funny, ha ha)

Ohio Man Cited in Fake Death Prank

MERCER, Pa. - Police cited an Ohio man for harassment after an ugly prank involving his sister.

Glenn Connolly, 35, of Youngstown, called state police in Mercer on Saturday and asked them to advise his sister, Victoria Christie, 34, of Mercer, that their mother had died, authorities said.

Troopers did just that, only to find out afterward that the woman hadn't died.

Police didn't immediately say what was behind the prank.

Connolly doesn't have a listed telephone and couldn't immediately be reached for comment Monday.

Because police filed only a summary citation, Connolly faces no more than a $300 fine and 90 days in jail if he's convicted.

Kim's Law #10

The lighter the color the clothes I wear are, the more magnetic they become to dark colored foods.

Up, Up and away!!!

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Albino Claw Your Superpower is Kissing Your Weakness is Rain Your Weapon is Your Magnetic Slingshot Your Mode of Transportation is Sled

What's your Superhero Name?

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Swimming isn't a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(I think this is only gonna hurt her business worse, don't ya think?)

Prostitute Gets 30 Years for Burning House

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - A prostitute who torched a civic leader's home because she was angry that newcomers to the neighborhood were hurting her business was sentenced to 30 years in prison.

Dusty Simmons, 45, had never been to prison despite 83 prior convictions for prostitution, drugs, robbery and bail jumping. The judge sentenced her on the arson conviction as a habitual felon, noting Simmons had lived outside the law most of her life.

"She has become a Jacksonville criminal institution," said prosecutor Stephen Siegel, who asked for a life sentence.

Prosecutors said Simmons set the fire because new residents to the Springfield neighborhood were hurting the street prostitution and drug trades. The home's resident was inside at the time of the 2003 fire.

Her defense attorney said Simmons would appeal. Friends and relatives asked for leniency, saying that since being released on bail, Simmons had been drug-free and earned an honest living on her uncle's shrimp boat.

"These last months she's been a real lady and I'd recommend just as much mercy as you can give her," said her cousin, Lester Hodges.

Springfield Preservation and Revitalization Council President Louise DeSpain said she could have been killed.

"I'm a victim who could possibly not be here today because Dusty set my house on fire with me in it," DeSpain said.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Have you ever been sitting on a railroad train in the station, and another train is parked right next to you? And one of them begins moving, but you can't tell which one? And then it becomes obvious, and all the magic is gone? Wouldn't it be nice if we could spend our whole lives not knowing which train is moving? Actually, we do."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Bad monkey...now that's a bad, bad monkey!)

Pet Monkey Escapes, Bites Boy on Buttocks

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - A monkey, apparently a pet, escaped, then chased a 12-year-old boy into his house and bit him on the buttocks in the western Malaysian state of Pahang, a news report said Friday.

The monkey, which was believed to be a pet animal because there was a chain around its neck, ran up and down the street in the housing area in Kuantan town as it appeared just after dusk Wednesday, scaring people into their homes, the Bernama news agency reported.