Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"It's better if an entire family gets Alzheimer's disease. That way they can all sit around and wonder who they are."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Fire in the house!)

Firefighters Leave Stove On, Causing Fire

WATERLOO, Iowa - Firefighters returned to a smoke-filled fire station after they left food cooking on a stove. Firefighters rushed off on an ambulance call Wednesday night, forgetting to remove the chicken they were cooking, officials with the fire department said.

Before they could return, a neighbor spotted smoke coming from the fire station and called dispatchers.

Firefighters cleared the smoke with a ventilator fan. No other damage was reported.

Welcome to the world, Alana!

Alicia finally had her baby on Friday, June 3, 2005. Alana is finally here! I went to see Alicia in the hospital today. Alana is so beautiful! She has the cutest little fingers! She has some very fine black hair, big eyes, and cute, chubby cheeks. See for yourself...

Cute, don't ya think? Congratulations, Alicia and Orlando !

I made up a weblog just for Alana and her parents ...you can see it at

www.alicialeuken.blogspot.com

Stupid News Story of The Day

(The things people do to get some attention)

Soccer player sentenced for faking murder attempt


LA PAZ (Reuters) - Bolivia goalkeeper Leo Fernandez has agreed to complete a 60-hour community service sentence for faking an assassination attempt on himself, legal sources said Wednesday without explaining the motive for his actions.


The incident happened on November 7 last year when police in the eastern city of Santa Cruz said that two men on a motorbike fired shots at Fernandez's car that had stopped at a traffic light.

Fernandez, who played for local club Oriente Petrolero at the time, was driving home after a game with team mate Lucas Fernandez.

Transferred to Colombian club Atletico Nacional shortly afterwards, Fernandez initially denied the allegations but agreed to the sentence after being interviewed by public prosecutors.

"There is sufficient evidence that the supposed assassination attempt of November 7 which he suffered with Lucas Fernandez, was invented," public prosecutor Yolando Aguilera told reporters.

Fernandez has been included in the Bolivia squad for the World Cup qualifiers away to Chile Saturday and Paraguay four days later.

He had been reluctant to join the squad's training camp in Santa Cruz because he feared arrest on his return home from Colombia.

Can you use that in a sentence?

I heard that an 8th grader won the US National Spelling Bee today. He had to spell words like:

sphygmomanometer

tropholytic

drepaniform

sciosophy

cancrizans

The final winning word?

appoggiatura

I don't even know what any of those words mean, let alone spell them. I think the reason I don't watch the spelling bee on tv is because it makes me feel so darned stupid! lol

Dinner at the folks

I went to my folks' house yesterday after work to visit, and my mom was making dinner, so she invited me to have dinner with them. Sounds good, huh....NOT! Sometimes, I am so glad I have a place to go home to, away from my grumpy brother. If my brother hadn't have been there, it would have been fine. This is kind of how it went yesterday...

Dad... You're not supposed to put water in the gravy. It is too runny!

Mom... It will boil out when I am cooking it!

Bro... What are you doing? You are going to ruin the gravy!

Mom... I am not going to ruin it. Just watch tv and leave me alone.

Dad... Here, let me do it.

Mom...I have got it! It is too crowded in this kitchen!

Bro... You don't know what you're doing. You can't cook. I am not going to eat that.

Mom... Then go get some fast food and stop complaining.

Dad... (silence...has his headphones on and is listening to the radio)

Bro... WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO IT LIKE THAT. GRANDMA NEVER MAKES IT THAT WAY!

Mom... Yes she does. I have seen her.

Me (shaking my head, wondering why I ever came over)

Bro... Let me see... (checks out the gravy)...F*ck...that looks nasty! I am not eating that.

Mom... Then don't eat it.

Bro... Why do you always ruin everything? You can't cook.

Mom... It isn't ruined. It is fine.

Bro... It is too runny. Put in some more flour.

(mom adds flour)

Me ... (still shaking my head...trying to watch the basketball game)

Dad.. (still in headphones)

Bro... Ewww...now it is all lumpy.

Mom... You told me to add more flour!

Bro... Forget it....F*ck.

Mom... First your father told me it was too runny...Then you tell me to add flour... Now you say it is too lumpy...

Bro... It looks like throw up.

Me... Next time, YOU cook it then.

... and so on, and so on.... Yeah, it was a nice, pleasant dinner with the folks. (rolling my eyes). Anyhow, the gravy was a bust, but who cares. It is not like it iwas a matter of life or death if the gravy came out ok. I thought the food tasted fine, but my brother is SO picky about stuff like that. I don't think he will ever find a woman who will live up to his standards - lol. Good luck to the woman who falls for him... she is going to need help!

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Everywhere you look there are families with too many vehicles. You see them on the highways in their RV's. But apparently the RV's aren't enough, because behind them they're towing motorboats, go-carts, dune buggies, dirt bikes, jet skis, snowmobiles, parasails, hang gliders, hot-air balloons, and small, two-man deep-sea diving bells. The only thing these people lack is lunar excursion modules. Doesn't anybody take a walk anymore?"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(When at first you don't succeed, try, try again...)

Serial Impersonator Arrested Again

GODFREY, Ill. - A serial impersonator of law enforcement officials and others has been arrested again — this time for posing as an appliance repairman.


James A. Ross, 23, has served time in jail for false impersonation of a police officer and again for posing as a paramedic. He also has been charged with posing as a firefighter and a mortician.

On Sunday, he was arrested for posing as an appliance repairman at the Woodbury Manor apartment complex. Ross approached two women sitting on a back porch and asked them if any of their appliances needed repair work.

"We're obviously concerned about Mr. Ross and why he can't seem to stop this type of activity," Madison County Sheriff's Lt. John Lakin said Tuesday.

Ross was charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct, which carries a maximum sentence of a year in jail, police said. He was released after posting $100 bond.

In October, Ross reached a plea agreement with prosecutors on a charge of making a false report of a murder, officials said. He received a two-year prison sentence, but was released on parole March 24.

It was not immediately clear if Ross had an attorney. A telephone listing for Ross in Godfrey could not be found.

Twins???

There are crazy people everywhere...

... including right in front of our work building. Today, about 15 minutes ago, we were all treated to free ringside seats of a street fight - lol. I dunno what happened, but about 5 or 6 people were going at it. I don't know if it was a case of road rage gone too far or if it was a baby-daddy fight (you know, one of those Jerry Springer type fights), or what, but it was FUNNY! This one lady got a hold of the other lady's hair and pulled it off of her head (apparently she was wearing a wig). Then she went walking down the street with a handful of wig in her hand, the other hand making a fist in the air. Holy cow, it was funny! One lady had a big ass stick in her hand and was hitting the hood of the other car with it. I could tell it left some dents. Another lady was in a car and tried to run her car up onto the sidewalk to hit the other lady who had the stick in her hand. That is where the funny turned a little scary. Eventually, the cops came, only after the 3 people in the other car (including the wig-pulling woman), took off down the street. I think the cops are still here. I tell you, there are crazy people EVERYWHERE!

Someone just shoot me!

I have gone insane! I actually watched the Britney Spears and Kevin Federline show last nite. I know there was nothing else on tv, but c'mon. I could have just turned off the tv, but nooooo. That show is like a car wreck...you know it is terrible, but you have to slow down to take a look. For a show called Chaotic, there is not a whole lot of chaos going on. It is mainly a bunch of really bad video footage combined with a lot of sex talk, childish behavior and stupid Britney faces. And of course, there is Kevin, the great linguist he is. At one point, he says "I think you are afraid to love me....and that makes me afraid to love you." Wow...sheer poetry and such insight (especially when Brit already told him that she was afraid of love...boy, he is a real catch). And this is the man Britney says is "a genius." Yeah....he makes Einstein look like Jessica Simpson...heck, even Jessica Simpson is smarter than those two put together!

Please, if I watch this show again, someone please, please, please just shoot me!!!

(if one didn't know who these people are, they would probably think they were just another trailer park couple - Is it me, or does Kevin look like Kid Rock's younger brother? lol)

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(All of this for a piece of cheese)

Contestants Break Bones Chasing Cheese

LONDON - Contestants in a traditional British cheese rolling competition broke bones and took skin off knees and elbows Monday in their pursuit of a giant piece of cheese down a steep hill.

The competition, in which participants hurl themselves 640 feet down a hill after an eight-pound piece of cheese, has been celebrated for centuries in Gloucestershire, northwest of London.

The race is thought to originate from a heathen festival to welcome the spring. The first person to follow the cheese across the line at the bottom of the hill wins the cheese and a small cash prize.

Thousands of people attended Monday's event and the local ambulance service reported three people were taken to hospital with suspected fractured limbs, while 18 were treated for bruises and abrasions.

Teenager Chris Anderson, who won one of four cheese rolling races contested Monday, was taken to hospital on a stretcher, clutching his winning slab of cheese to his chest.

"The pain was worth it," Anderson said. "This cheese is going straight in a cupboard when I get home. It's definitely not for eating."

Organizer Richard Jefferies said Monday's event ran smoothly and injuries were down on previous years.

"It's a good part of the local heritage and a tradition we would like to keep going," Jefferies said.

The Weekend's Over...

...but the fun is just beginning....ok, I retract that comment. Work does not equal fun, unless you work somewhere fun, where you get to play around all day on the computer and pass around silly jokes...ok, so maybe that is not SO unlike my job...I guess I can't complain too much.

You wanna know what I did this weekend? NOTHING! I lived for 3 days in absolute lazy bliss. I only left the house once, on Friday, to go check out my bro's new house. The rest of the weekend I spent in utter laziness, loafing around in my pj's and watching tv, and sometimes snoozing. It wasn't even that hot this weekend. It was like heaven for lazy people.

I was pretty disappointed in the Sci-Fi channel's choice of movie marathon subjects. This Memorial Day weekend, they chose to show moves relating to killer animals, bugs, etc. The "highlight" of the weekend was the last one I saw (well didn't see completely...only caught bits and pieces cuz it was SO stupid). It was about killer cockroaches. There was a part in the movie, I think it was the ending, where the cockroaches swarm and create one giant killer roach. At this point, I was thinking that Hollywood was in serious trouble if they had to resort to making a movie like this. And I was seriously doubting my own sanity for having actually sat and watched it. I don't know the name of the movie, but it was plain stupid. It was probably the stupidest movie I have ever seen, even though I probably only caught a total of 10 minutes of it.

Aside from lame Sci-Fi channel movies, this weekend was pretty ok. I have another 3-day weekend coming up this weekend. Gotta love those.

Random Thought

I read that a new Miss Universe was just crowned. It must suck to be Miss Universe. I mean you get voted to be the most beautiful woman in the world, only to have someone be voted more beautiful than you the next year. I guess beauty has a shelf life of one year, and then you are past your prime. Makes me glad to be just ordinary - I think ordinary has a lot longer of a shelf life.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on out bodies at the same time."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Wanted: Stupid Criminals...they make cops' jobs easier)

Cop to suspect: Gotcha, it's your picture, stupid!

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A suspect in two taxicab robberies walked into a New York police station and failed to notice his picture in a "wanted" photo on the wall, giving cops an opportunity to make one of their easiest busts ever.

"You look at the photo, and it's not that glaring that it is him," said Det. Sgt. Norman Horowitz of the New York Police Department. But an alert detective noticed the resemblance and police arrested Awiey "Chucky" Hernandez, 20.

Hernandez and a companion had gone to the station on Tuesday to inquire about Huquan "Guns" Gavin, who had been arrested in another investigation, Horowitz said.

Horowitz said he has never seen anything like it 30 years on the police force. Hernandez and Gavin are being held pending action by a grand jury.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Quick...get this man a brain!...too late...)

Fire Allegedly Set to Get Guests to Leave

GENEVA, Ill. - A 46-year-old man allegedly set his own home on fire in order to get two visitors to leave, police said.

Dean Craig was charged with felony arson after allegedly splashing rubbing alcohol on the floor of the two-story home in Aurora Township and using a lighter to ignite the fire around 1 a.m. Sunday, the Kane County Sheriff's office said.

When authorities arrived at Craig's home, which is owned by his mother, it was engulfed in flames, police said. Craig and his two guests were not injured.

Craig allegedly had asked two visitors to leave, but when they refused, he threatened to light his house on fire, police said.

Craig was being held Monday at the Kane County Jail on $25,000 bond. He is scheduled to appear in court on June 9.

Thoughts on a Sunday Night

"Love is not love which alters, when it alteration finds."

Shakespeare had a good idea here, but unfortunately it is not always the case, even though it should be. People should love each other for who they are and not want to change anything about each other. Yet, in the past, it seemed like I always ended up with the wrong man...the man who wanted me to be who he wanted me to be. And it always made me feel less than a person. To be told that you are not pretty enough or smart enough, well it always made me feel like such a loser. I had no self esteem. I was always sad. I was just miserable.

I dated a very handsome, older man in college. He was what, on first sight, you would think was the perfect guy....tall, blonde hair, blue eyes...gorgeous. But beauty truly is only skin deep, and I found this out the hard way. He was my first real boyfriend, and he turned out to be mean, and I ended up being afraid of him. He hurt me physically and emotionally, to the point where I felt I could never trust anyone ever again, but I am not going to go into details. It is just too painful. But I can say that he made me feel less than dirt sometimes, and those feelings stayed with me, because they are rooted deep inside of me.

It took me a long time to learn to deal with all the bad things that happened to me in the past. It took me a long time to put those things behind me and bury them down in a deep hole to where they could never bother me again. I tried to do that, but they still haunt me sometimes.

I still feel like I am a loser sometimes. I get shy and feel awkward around people. I feel like people are looking at me and thinking, "Oh my gosh. She is stupid!" When you are told something over and over again for long enough, you start to believe it, and maybe, sometimes, I still believe it. Sometimes I look at myself and think, "How could anyone ever love me? What could I possibly offer someone?" Sometimes, I don't even know. But, luckily, that is only sometimes.

I thought at one time that I had found the perfect man. A man who would love me no matter what. But it turned out that he didn't love me after all, and that hurt me probably even more than my college boyfriend hurt me, because I really did love him.

Sometimes I get confused about who I am and who I want to be. But I suppose everyone does that once in a while. I used to have such high ambitions. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a veterinarian...then I wanted to be a wildlife photographer... then I wanted to be a doctor... oh the dreams we had when we were kids. I have such respect and admiration for those people who grew up to be who they dreamt of being, or at least attempted it.

Nowadays, I just dream of one day being married to the man I love and having a family with him. I dream of loving deeply and of being loved deeply. I dream of sunny mornings and starry nights. I dream of summer picnics and winter nights by the fireplace. I dream of the fairytale happy ending. I dream of walks along the beach or hikes in the woods. I dream endlessly.

And maybe those are simple dreams, but then again, I am just a simple kind of girl. I am not fancy. I am not about champagne and caviar. I am more of a hamburger and soda kind of girl.

I know those things should not bug me anymore. But sometimes they do. Sometimes I will be going along in life all happy, then it will all come crashing down on me at once. Sometimes, dreams will do that to you.

Last night I had a dream where I was locked in a cage and being forced to watch this television set that kept flashing words on the screen like, "Loser," "Idiot," "Stupid", etc. I felt like I was in that "A Clockwork Orange" movie. It wasn't really a scary dream, but it did bring back old memories of a bad past relationship...a really bad one, and brought back all of those insecurities that have haunted me all of these years.

I hope someday I can have good dreams again. Seems like nowadays I have only disturbing dreams. Sometimes I wish I didn't dream at all.

I suppose someday that everything will be alright. But it just seems like "alright" is so far away. Everyone around me is happy and getting married and having kids, and sometimes I want nothing more than to have what they have. Sometimes I even get jealous of them, but at the same time, I can't be anything but happy for them. They are my friends and I want nothing but the best for them.

(don't worry about this post....I was just getting some stuff off of my chest. I know Arlene will probably think I am going crazy. lol... so don't worry!)

Stupid News Story of The Day

(This is the kind of mom teenage boys only dream of)

Mom Indicted for Hiring Stripper for Teen

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - A mother faces criminal charges after she hired a stripper to dance at her 16-year-old son's birthday party. Anette Pharris, 34, has been indicted by a grand jury on charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and involving a minor in obscene acts. The boy's father, the stripper and two others also face charges.

"I tried to do something special for my son," Pharris said. "It didn't harm him."

About 10 people under the age of 18 were at the birthday party in September, including minors who were not related to the family, authorities said.

Police spokesman Don Aaron said minors are not permitted in adult establishments.

"A person shouldn't be allowed to circumvent that law by hiring a stripper, a lady who took all her clothes off and spent a good amount of time dancing around minors," he said.

Anette Pharris took photos at the party and tried to have them developed at a nearby drug store. Drug store employees notified authorities, police said.

"Who are they to tell me what I can and can't show to my own children?" the mother said.