Out with the old and in with the new....

Year that is....

So long 2004. Hello 2005 ! It is just 11 hours before 2005 officially begins. A lot happened in the world in 2004. Martha Stewart went to prison...Britney Spears got hitched (twice)...Janet Jackson had a "wardrobe malfunction"....Anna Nicole Smith lost all that weight, then lost all that money in a recent court settlement...The Los Angeles Lakers were dethroned ...Scott Peterson was sentenced to death for killing his wife and unborn son..and, of course, the horrible tsunami that killed so many people in Asia. 2004 also saw the loss of many celebrated entertainers such as music genius, Ray Charles and screen legend, Marlon Brando. But 2004 was not without its happy moments. J-Lo got married...again....another season of South Park made tv a happier place...celebrities continued to give their offspring "creative and interesting" (gag) names ..and The Red Sox finally won a World Series after decades and decades of losses. I had a pretty good year myself, really. I took a vacation and got to go to Boston, MA for a week, which was just awesome. I didn't get into any trouble...didn't get any traffic tickets....I lost about 40 pounds and started going to the gym (which I resolve to get my butt back in there once this cold spell is over!!! lol). Nothing really special happened to me this year, but then again, nothing terribly bad happened to me either, so that makes for an ok year by me. So, do I have any New Year's resolutions? Hmmm....well last year I resolved to stop making resolutions because you know those resolutions only stick for like a few weeks after the year begins, then it is back to the old way of doing things. All I can really do is to say I will TRY to : 1) be happier ... 2) stop with the road rage already ... 3) not get any cavities ... 4) be more open about my feelings ... 5) sleep better ... 6) take at least 1 trip somewhere fun ... and 7) enjoy life more. At least those are reasonable goals...if I were to, say, resolve to get engaged, well, that would just be silly of me... lord knows that is not gonna happen! (well one can always wish can't they? lol). If that happens this year, which it won't, I will eat worms....yes, I will eat worms...and then I will drink vinegar and walk outside naked yelling "look at me!" - lol. I will also do that if I win the lotto...good thing those won't happen, because I really don't like the sound of eating worms. (ick). Well, I can only hope that 2005 brings some kind of excitement to my life, because this year was just too boring. Farewell 2004. Let the good times roll.

Happy New Year.....have fun.......but be safe!

That can only happen in the movies...right?

I can't help but to feel saddened by the tsunami tragedy in Asia. In fact, I don't think something has touched me more since 9/11. When I see the pictures of all the grieving people holding and the pictures of all the dead, it just makes me want to cry. Then it brings me back to earth, knowing that a tragedy like that can and did happen. It really makes you stop and think about your own life and the lives of your friends and family. It is something you just don't expect to happen, except in movies. I had to call my friend Alicia to make sure her brothers, who are living in Thailand, were ok, which they were. Thank goodness they are living inland! All those thousands of people gone....just like that. Within minutes, a whole population, vanished from the face of the earth. They say the total death toll can reach up to 100,00. That is almost half of the population of this city. I know death happens all the time around the world, but my gosh....it is hard to picture that many people dead. But then, all you have to do is look on the internet at the pictures of the bodies of those poor people, and all of those children. Oh my gosh....all of those poor children! But there were some miracles. I read that a 20-day old baby was found alive, floating on a raft or something. It is hard to believe that something so small and defenselss could survive the massive wall of water that claimed so many lives. To be honest, it makes me sort of happy I live here in Bakersfield, which is far from the ocean. I am happy that my friend's brothers are ok...and I pray for all of those poor souls who lost their lives and also for the survivors who lost many of their friends and family. I don't know what kind of good can come out of a tragedy like that, but hopefully, there will be some sort of silver lining to that cloud, for it is a dark cloud indeed.

getting closer to the 2 million mark - ok....ok....so I have no life!!!! This is all I have...give me a break! lol
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Christmas revisited

Merry belated Christmas.....hope yours was positively grrrreat. My family and I all went to my grandma's house for Christmas. You can see a few of the pictures of my family and some of the places we visited during the last few days below. My mini-vacation started off well....we went out to eat, stayed up and watched some tv, and we actually got along most of the time. We went up to Gilroy and Salinas on the 23rd for some shopping, and stopped off in King City, my old stomping ground. We went up to Santa Maria on the 24th. It was a beautiful day. It was so nice and warm and just sunny and cheery. So unlike Bakersfield, which I heard was cold and foggy. On a few occasions, my brother was his usual punk-self, and my dad was somewhat of a grumpy gus one evening, but for the most part it went well for everyone.....everyone but me that is. You see, I got sick....pukey sick, on Christmas morning, and spent most of Christmas day laying in bed and sleeping. Either it was something I ate, or I got the flu again. Figures! I didn't get sick on Turkey Day, so I HAD to get sick on Christmas. I am feelin' a little better now, just weak from not eating and kinda dehydrated. I overestimated myself today and got me a Pollo Bowl from El Pollo Loco (MMMM good), and ate about 1/4 of it, and now I feel icky again. But I was hungry!!! My family all went out to eat for Christmas dinner and I stayed back at my grandma's laying in bed, but they were nice enough to bring me back a piece of banana cake (which is still in the fridge - I will eat it when I feel better). I had a nice Christmas though, despite the pukeage. I got some perfume (which smells soooooo good), a necklace (gotta love the jewelry!!!), a cool Zen garden and Sonic coupons (thank you Veronica!!), some soft slippers and the softest, warmest, cutest robe ever (thank you Alicia!!), a cute little angel candle (thank you Arlene!!), and lots of jammers and clothes from my grandma and folks. Of course there was also the candy and cookies and oh my gosh sweets, which, if I had anymore of right now, I would probably explode! And now that it is all over, I feel better. I think the holidaze blues are behind me ...for this year. I am going to leave up my Christmas tree til New Year's though. I love the softness of the lights and the feeling it brings to walk into my living room to see it all lit up. I can't explain it really. It just makes it feel more like home. But next year, I promise to get my shopping done earlier!

My grandma Lorene - we spent Christmas with her : )
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another view of "beautiful" King City, CA
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my mom - striking a pose for the camera - say "cheese" mom!
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my mom (hidden by the huge cup) and my bro - gotcha!! he he
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my mom looking "shady" in the car on our trip up to Gilroy, CA
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my dad watching tv at my grandma's house - blissfully unaware that my bro was taking his picture - he he
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another view of St John's in King City, CA
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St John's - I went to school here - sadly, it is no longer a school
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King City, CA - where I grew up - population of around 11,000 or so
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My new Collapse high score of 1,738,582 - stupid addictive game!
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Merry Christmas movie house!

Well, here it is, 3 days before Christmas, and I am still alive. Hope you are too! But I guess if you are reading this, then you are, indeed, alive.....maybe insane by now, but alive at least! This will be my last post until after Christmas, because I am going out of town for the holidays. I am going to see my grandmother, along with my family. But if we make it back in one piece, and still on speaking terms...well that remains to be seen. The holidaze will do that to you though. They can make the nicest person turn into a meanie just like that. At this Christmas, I can assure you that your days will be full of: "It's a Wonderful Life" and "A Christmas Story" ("I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!") and football and eggnog (if you like that sort of thing), Christmas carols, thick sweaters, mittens, candy canes, cookies of all shapes and sizes, pies made of pumpkins, pecans, apples, and berries, snow (or in my case, dreams of snow), and of course, family and friends and presents...don't forget the presents! Are you exhausted yet? I am exhausted just thinking about it! I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful Christmas. Drive safe, if you are driving out of town, and be sure to keep some Pepto and Tylenol on hand. As I always say, eat lots of turkey but stay away from the yellow snow! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

Christmas Oddities

~In Italy they have no Christmas trees, instead they decorate small wooden pyramids with fruit.

~In Caracas, the capital city of Venezuela, it is customary for the streets to be blocked off on Christmas eve so that the people can roller-skate to church.

~An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on Ukrainian Christmas trees. A spider web found on Christmas morning is believed to bring good luck.

~It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while mixing the Christmas pudding will come true only if the ingredients are stirred in a clockwise direction.

~A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.

~Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily printed in red.

~In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house are hidden because long ago it was believed that witches and mischievous spirits came out on Christmas Eve and would steal their brooms for riding.

May your days be merry and bright .... and may all your Christmases be white...
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Happy Holidays too
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Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Calgon take me away!!!

The thing I don't understand about the whole holiday season, is WHY are people so rude and angry during this time of year? I thought the holidays are supposed to be about happiness and joy and love....NOT about pushing and shoving and yelling and complaining and whining and crying. That is why I prefer to call the holidays the "holidaze." It is more appropriate after all. I went to the mall yesterday....aka HELL. And yes, indeed, it was hell on earth. There were so many people in there, and all of them seemed to be going in just the stores I was going to. I can understand why people get so rude though, for I felt myself getting more and more agitated with every step I took. People moving too slow....kids everywhere...the smell of cologne thick in the air...babies crying...people whining....people shoving and pushing through the lines...and then the "grabby gusses"...you know, the ones who push in front of you to grab something off of the shelf. It is enough to drive a sane person mad! I don't really how anyone can remain sane this time of year. Even to go to the supermarket to get a simple gallon of milk is not easy, because the milk is next to the whipping cream, and people need that stuff for their pumpkin pies....ARGH! I think I am changing my wish list to 1) Tylenol.... 2) Calgon.... 3) Ben Gay.... and 4) a chauffeur. Oh and maybe 5) a massage .... a nice long one. I finally got done with all of my shopping and I am feeling semi-relaxed. But even though I am all done, it doesn't mean that everyone is done. There are plenty of last-minute shoppers out there. So it doesn't mean that it is going to be any easier going to the grocery store. I think I am going to need that chauffeur ;)

Fun Tests

I love online tests....they are soooo much fun. One of my favorite test sites is http://community.sparknotes.com/sparktests.epl

They have fun tests, with really funny questions....according to the tests I have taken so far, I am 60% dateable, am 37% wench, and am 30% greedy.

According to the "untelligent test", I am ...

"78% Untelligent! You are one smooth chick! Your score is higher than the current worldwide average of 64%! Your score is unique, however, so keep reading.
Score Breakdown...
Here is the custom report of your personality than led our team of geeks to conclude (with confidence) that you are a resourceful and sly woman:
" The subject shows an astounding level of intelligence, and her sense of observation is one of her best qualities. Considering this, she shows a lot of potential, but that's only part of the equation.
Finally, the subject displayed a pathetic and useless (seriously bad) sense of humor, a nearly satanic lack of morality, and a hot-shot level of self-confidence. The balance of these three traits is important; high levels of confidence, medium levels of morality, and a good level of humor make for the strongest individuals. "

A nearly satanic lack of morality? Hmmmmm.....not sure what they mean there - lol.

Also, according to the personality test, I am...

"a Helper Who Finds Missing Children Over The Internet!(Submissive Introverted Concrete Feeler) You are a HELPER WHO FINDS MISSING CHILDREN OVER THE INTERNET (SICF). You are very tentative in the world and introverted with people— which means you are the shy and silent type (hence the Internet.) But behind your reserved exterior lies a dedicated person with a passion for the concrete truth who wants to, in his heart of hearts, help find missing children. God bless you."

- LOL! too funny!

I took the IQ test too, which was long...very long...and hard.... (ok - that sounds bad - lol)

The results have been tabulated, and your IQ is...
128
That's above average for your age and sex!
(Your IQ is calculated by comparing your raw test score against others of your age and sex. An IQ of 100 is exactly average. An IQ of 200 is twice as smart as the average person.)
Compared to other 32 year old females...
82% dumber than you — 2% as smart as you — 16% smarter than you

A Few of My Favorite Movie Quotes ....

Narrator: "I felt like destroying something beautiful." ~ Fight Club

Tyler Durden: "It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything." ~ Fight Club

President Merkin Muffley: "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room." ~ Dr Strangelove

Colonel "Bat" Guano: "You think I go into combat with loose change in my pocket? "~ Dr Strangelove

Randal Graves: "I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?" ~ Clerks

Evil Sheila - "I may be bad. But I feel good." ~ Army of Darkness

Ash: "Then let's head on down into that cellar and carve ourselves a witch." ~ Evil Dead 2

Sailor: "This snakeskin jacket symbolizes my individuality and belief in personal freedom."~ Wild At Heart

Shrek: "Fiona? Are you alright? "
[Stands up and looks at herself, then at Shrek]
Princess Fiona: "Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful."
Shrek: "But you are beautiful." ~ Shrek

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: "What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?" ~Full Metal Jacket

Neidermeyer:" You're all worthless and weak! Now drop and give me twenty!" ~ Animal House

Kurtz: "I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight... razor... and surviving. " ~ Apocalypse Now

Yossarian: "That's some catch, that Catch-22." ~ Catch -22

Nigel Tufnel: "Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump". ~ This is Spinal Tap

Inigo Montoya: "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father: prepare to die." ~ The Princess Bride

Westley: "This is true love - you think this happens every day? " ~ The Princess Bride

Buck Laughlin: "And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten. " ~ Best In Show

Inga: "He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker." ~Young Frankenstein

Jim: "I can't remember what my parents look like." ~ Empire of The Sun

Red: " I hope I can make it across the border... I hope to see my friend and shake his hand... I hope the pacific is a blue as it has been in my dreams... I hope... " ~ The Shawshank Redemption

McMurphy: I must be crazy to be in a loony bin like this. ~ One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

Melvin Udall: What if this is as good as it gets? ~ As Good As It Gets

[after being strip-searched]
Fenster: "Man, I had a finger up my asshole tonight."
Hockney: "Is it Friday already? " ~ The Usual Suspects

Walter Sobchak: "No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of. " ~ The Big Lebowski

Lev Andropov: [annoyed] "Components. American components, Russian Components, ALL MADE IN TAIWAN!" ~ Armageddon

Ray: "If you point a gun at someone, you'd better make sure you shoot him, and if you shoot him you'd better make sure he's dead, because if he isn't then he's gonna get up and try to kill you. " ~ Blood Simple

Marge Gunderson: "Oh, I just think I'm gonna barf... Well, that passed. Now I'm hungry again." ~ Fargo

Mr White: "If you wanna know something and he won't tell you, cut off one of his fingers. The little one. Then tell him his thumb's next. After that he'll tell you if he wears ladies underwear. I'm hungry. Let's get a taco. " ~ Reservoir Dogs

Royal:" I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me."
Henry Sherman:" I don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch."
Royal: "Well, I really appreciate that." ~ The Royal Tennenbaums

Do you love me...now that I can dance...

Watch me now...

I didn't get my first real kiss til I was 19. Yeah, 19. Alot of people have had their first sexual encounter by then, but not me. I always had this dreamer's notion that a kiss should be from someone special. It should be like in the movies and sweep you off of your feet. And, yes, my first kiss did sweep me off of my feet, and it made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman on earth....for a moment. Then reality came crashing down a few months later when that relationship soured, and it made me realize that love doesn't come without a price, and one perfect kiss does not always lead to "happily ever after." That, my friends, only happens to Cinderella and Snow White.
Ever since I was a teenager, I have been so afraid of showing others how I felt. I was so scared that if I let my true feelings out, that my friends would laugh at me or get angry with me, or, worse, get hurt by something I said. I was also very afraid of being betrayed by something I said.For example, when I was in seventh grade, I told my friend that I liked this boy named Billy. She said she would keep it a secret. Well, you can imagine the horror I felt when I came to homeroom the next day and saw, in huge bold letters on the chalkboard, "Kim loves Billy." I wanted to just die! You would think I would learn after one time, but no. It happened again in my freshman year in high school, when I had this crush on a boy named Dustin. I told my friend that I thought he was cute, and the next thing I knew, the whole school knew how I felt. Again, I was so humilitated that I wanted to run away back to the safety of my home.
I guess it is because of these things that I am so introverted and unable to express my deep down feelings. Now, I have absolutely no trouble voicing my opinion on a subject such as abortion or the death penalty. I could debate for hours on stuff like that. I guess it is because I have no attachment to those subjects personally. They are abstracts, not living , breathing beings. You can't look at a death penalty in the face and talk to it, because it is a concept, not a human being. It is a lot harder to look at someone and tell them how you really feel. And I think it is because we, as people, generally have a need to be wanted and loved. And if we are pushed away or rejected, it hurts a lot because that need is not being met, and we end up wondering what it is about us that the other person doesn't like. At least it is that way for me.
Yes, I have been rejected before. And I suppose most people have at some point in their lives. It is not unusual. It is part of life. Granted it is not a part of life that we go out and celebrate (unless you got a divorce from an axe murderer...I say that is cause to celebrate). Rejection and abandonment are very painful things to go through. But everyone must go through them. Some people get through it just fine and move on. Others, like me, wallow in misery and wonder WHY we weren't good enough.
I have this deep-rooted fear of abandonment, and I can't quite put my finger on as to why I have this fear. I can easily say I have a fear of heights because of an incident that happened on a ferris wheel when I was a kid, or that I am afraid of big dogs because I was chased and bitten by one once. But this other fear, I can't explain. I suppose a shrink would say that because I am adopted I subconsciously have a fear of abandonment, but I have never, ever felt abandoned because of that. In fact, I really feel quite lucky to have been picked by two great parents. I guess I am just afraid that I will end up all alone someday, regretting never having voiced how I felt down deep inside...always wondering "what if?"
And isn't that a fear we all have down deep inside? Don't we as human beings have a need to be close with other people? Don't we all have a need to be loved and accepted? I suppose some people won't own up to it, but I believe that we do. I will be up front and say that I NEED to love...I NEED to be loved...I NEED to feel loved...I NEED to feel wanted. I need.
So is it better to live your life without telling people how you feel, thereby negating any possiblity of being rejected or abandoned? Or is it better to tell people how you feel and chance the possibility of being rejected and perhaps humiliated? I wouldn't know. I have never gotten up enough courage to express myself to anyone. It is easy to live your life taking no risks, but by doing that, you are also denying your chance at happiness. And if you take risks, you take a chance at utter and total humiliation in order to have a chance at happiness. It seems I have come to a crossroads here. I give my utmost respect and admiration for those who dare to express themselves. As for me, "Do I dare disturb the universe?"... Naw...I think I will leave it undisturbed for a while yet.

Don't Touch This !

Ok....let me start off by saying that fibromyalgia SUCKS ASS ! Sorry, but there is no eloquent way to put it. I could think of a few more 4-letter words to stick in there, but I will refrain from doing so...for now. Today has been one of the worse days. I knew it was going to be a bad day from the moment I got out of bed. I could not sleep last nite, so I woke up all groggy and feeling downright bad. But I really knew today was going to be an "F" day ("f" is for fibromyalgia, by the way), when I lightly bumped my arm up against the wall, and it hurt like someone had just poked me with a hot poker. There really is no way to explain the pain, unless you have it yourself. It is a dull, throbbing, sometimes heated pain that seems to radiate throughout your body. I get fatigued very quickly and generally just feel like crud throughout the day. The cold is like murder to me....even the feel of a cold draft can cause intense pain. It is almost like a knife going through my body...not that I have ever had a knife go through my body...I can only imagine that that is what it feels like. I often get cranky, and people don't really know WHY I am so cranky. Well, let me just tell you that it is due to lack of sleep and pain. Sometimes just a friendly hug or pat on the back can send me to painsville. And I never want to say anything to people about it, for fear of hurting their feelings. Even just the feel of my shirt on my skin is painful at times. Now, the doctor says this a typical symptom of the big F, and he, of course, prescribed pain killers and even prozac to help with the pain and to help me sleep. I also have rheumatoid arthritis and/or lupus...the doctor isn't quite sure which one I have yet. I have been going to a rheumatologist for about 2 years now, and they still don't know what is wrong with me, only that I am borderline anemic and have something in my body that is causing inflammation....a great deal of inflammation. So, for now, I will have to do my best to muddle through the bad days and make sure the good days are as good as I can make them, for they are few and far between.

I am addicted to this game Collapse...check out my high score, 1,406,616. I rock at Collapse!!! he he
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A Christmas Song

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas (my version)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Ev'rywhere you go,
Take a look at the shopping mall, shoppers wall to wall,
With long, long lines and people rude as hell.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Toys in all the stores,
And the people scream and fight, over the very last Lite Brite,
Is this what Christmas is for??

A game of Monopoly and a doll that cries and pees,
Is the wish of Cindy and Sue.
A Play Station 2 and a pair of new shoes,
Is the hope of Bill and Ted.
But mom and dad are hopping mad cuz their kids have all been bad.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Ev'rywhere you go.
There's homeless guy on the street, and ev'ryone he meets,
Walks on by without blinking an eye.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Soon the sales will start,
So you better be prepared to pull out all your hair,
After a day at Wal-Mart.

12/14/04

The Love Song of C. Brown

Here is an excerpt from my favorite poem of all time, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"


And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep . . . tired . . . or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet - and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it towards some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all"-
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all."

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor -
And this, and so much more? -
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
"That is not it at all, That is not what I meant, at all."

What TS Eliot was saying in the above excerpt from his poem, can basically be summed up in the following quote from Charlie Brown:

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." - Charles Schultz (Charlie Brown in Peanuts)

A few years ago it SNOWED, yes snowed, in Bakersfield, CA...and it hasn't snowed since.
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I decided to take one of those "personality tests" online. Here is what mine came up with.....not completely accurate, but most of it is surprisingly true!


Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.Generated on Mon Dec 13 23:20:37 2004.

Your Existing Situation
Working to create for herself a firm foundation on which to erect a secure, comfortable, and problem-free future, in which she will be granted respect and recognition.
(I want a problem-free future? Even I am not that much of a dreamer! lol)

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled expectations have led to uncertainly and an apprehensive watchfulness. Badly needs to feel secure and protected against further disappointment, being passed over, or losing standing and prestige. Doubtful that things will be any better in the future, but inclined nevertheless to make exaggerated demands or reject compromise.
(pretty much right on the mark)

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being.
(very true)

Your Desired Objective
Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a situation of idealized harmony. Has an imperative need for tenderness and affection. Susceptible to anything esthetic.
(this one is right on the mark!)

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.
(hmmm.... kind of true)

Your Actual Problem #2
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.
(personal charm?? I wasn't aware I had any of that! )
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For the most part, things were on the mark. But I think these things are more for entertainment value than anything else. They are fun to take, and sometimes they yield surprisingly accurate results. Pretty interesting.

Bad Aries
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Good Aries
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The Evil Tower of Death...aka...The Supreme Scream

There is nothing in the world that scares me more than being way up high. And nothing in the world scares me more than that than being way up high in the open with nothing below my feet but air ...that feeling that you are going to plunge to certain death at any moment. It is a feeling that makes me start to breathe faster and makes my heart start pounding in my chest until I feel like I will surely pass out from fright. And that is what I feel like BEFORE I even go up. That is how I felt when I was standing on the ground looking 250-some-odd-feet up into the air up at the ride I was standing in line to ride...the Supreme Scream at Knott's Berry Farm..or as I have fondly come to call it, "The Evil Tower of Death." I was ready to supremely scream before I even got on the ride. I was standing in line, nearly hyperventilating at the very idea of getting strapped into what I considered to be certain death. And if the ride itself didn't kill me, I was surely going to have a heart attack just waiting in line to ride! My hands got clammy, my heart felt like it was in my throat and I could barely breathe. And when it came time to get on the ride, I wanted to cry. I wanted to turn around and run like a little baby away from the tower of death. I really felt like I was surely going to die at any moment. I could not make sure enough that the ride constraints were tightened tight enough. I pushed and pulled at them making sure that they were not going to budge. With my hands clasped as tight around the bars as I could, my friend Veronica (who I had probably by this time scared into a stupor with all of my hyperventilating and all), and I ascended the 250+ foot tower of death. It felt like it took an eternity. My eyes closed tight and my hands wrapped around the bars, I could feel the wind blowing around me. It seemed to make the tower move, but I imagine that was only in my mind. I was even a bit concerned that my shoes would fall off from the sheer force of the drop. And just when I thought we were at the top of the ride, I opened my eyes, only to find, much to my horror, that we were only about halfway up. At this point I was nearly in a panic, and I was thinking to myself that I should have kept my feet on the ground and never have done this. I shut my eyes back tight and clasped my hands tighter...so tight that I felt like they became part of the bars themselves. Then the dreaded moment came....the moment where we stopped, and then I knew that at any second, the ride would drop and I would die. Only me though. I was sure I, and only I, was going to die. We sat there, 250 feet off of the safety of the earth, gravity seeming to want to pull us back to the ground. I almost felt like I was in a sort of tug-of-war between the gravity and the evil tower of death, and no side was winning. After what seemed like an eternity, gravity finally won, and we plummeted back to earth at what felt like 1000 miles an hour...my stomach in my throat, my heart pounding, wind blowing against my body, and me wanting to scream, but having no breath to do so. And just when it felt like we were at the bottom at last, we were hurled about halfway back up that tower of death and were flung back down to earth....then up again once more and back down. And finally, at last, I was able to breathe again, and know that I was going to live to see another day. With as much dignity as I could muster after having had blubbered all the way up the tower, I climbed off the ride, legs trembling and body shaking, heart racing and wondered when I was going to be able to do that again!

Santa Claus...man or myth....or our parents?

Christmas time during childhood was great. There was a Santa Claus who came to bring you presents when you were good, or put a lump of coal in your stocking if you were bad. I, personally, never got a lump of coal in my stocking, even though I know I was not a good girl all year long. That should have been my first clue to knowing that there was no Santa Claus. It is pretty amazing to what great lengths parents will go to to keep you believing in Santa, too. I mean as a kid, my mom would take me to the window at night and point out to me a red flashing light and tell me that that was Rudolph, so I had better get to bed. Of course, it was just a passing airplane. It is rather convenient that Rudolph had a red flashing nose, and flying planes have red flashing lights. I wonder if Rudolph or the airplane came first...I guess I will have to look that up. Of course, this was just a way for our parents to get us to go to bed early. I guess they had to have that one day out of the year when we would actually listen and go to bed, or else Santa would pass up our house! Pretty sneaky of our parents, isn't it. I would always bake cookies, with my mom's help of course, and leave the cookies and some milk for Santa to snack on during his long journey. And in the morning, of course, the milk and cookies were, amazingly enough, all gone! Even though kids tend to take things at face value and will believe pretty much anything the adults tell them, I should have been smart enough to know that no one, no matter how fast, could possibly travel to every house in the entire world in one night. And I must have been pretty gullible to believe that Santa could fit himself and that big bag of presents down a chimney. I mean, when I was a kid, we didn't even have a chimney, which was a source of worry for me, but only at Christmas time. But our parents kept the "Santa" presents hidden in some secret compartment in the house, which, even after I found out that there was no Santa, I never found. And I should have wondered how Santa could be in every shopping mall that I went to. The man was fast, but how could anyone be everywhere at the same time? My mom and dad just told me that those were Santa "impersonators" who Santa hired to help him out. I was in second grade when I found out that Santa Claus was not real, and that it was our parents, in fact, who were the real Santa impersonators. Still, even after the big secret was let out and my childhood beliefs in Santa , the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were crushed, Christmas still remained a time of happiness and surprise for me. I always liked to decorate and to bake goodies for others, and I still do. I love to buy gifts and pick out funny and cute Christmas cards for my family and friends. And I love to watch my friends open their presents and see the look of surprise on their faces. Santa may not be real, but he sure did provide a source of wonder and awe for us as children while we still believed. And though we were most definitely mad at our parents for telling us there was a Santa, we will too, no doubt, tell our children about Santa Claus and keep the Santa lie going for yet another generation. But that is ok, because I don't think Christmas would have been the same without him.

It's all about me!

I have been told that I am a hard person to get to know, because I keep alot of things inside, and because I am not a very open person. And being such, I have decided to share a few things ...40 to be exact...with you about me that you may not (or may) know:

1) I bite my lower lip when I get nervous or am stressed.
2) I was a virgin til I was 26 years old.
3) I graduated from high school at the top of my class.
4) I am adopted.
5) I didn't get my first real kiss til I was 19.
6) My favorite color is green.
7) My favorite book is "Catch-22" by Joseph Heller.
8) My favorite author is Kurt Vonnegut.
9) My favorite guilty pleasure is watching really cheesy horror movies.
10) I secretly love to watch reruns of "Dawson's Creek."
11) My favorite band is Buffalo Tom....favorite song, "Taillights Fade" also by Buffalo Tom.
12) My favorite movie of all time is "Dr Strangelove"
13) I secretly like to listen to classical music. Mozart rocks! lol
14) I almost flunked Algebra I. I got a D-
15) I am obsessively compulsive when it comes to my front door and my curling irons. I can't go to sleep without making sure the door is locked, and I can't leave the house without first making sure my curling iron is unplugged.
16) My favorite TV show is "Joan of Arcadia"
17) I am allergic to walnuts.
18) I sleep-walk.
19) When I was a kid, I used to have an invisible friend named "Dora."
20) My middle name is Lynn.
21) I am allergic to cats.
22) My biggest turn-on is the smell of a man's cologne...any cologne!
23) I love teddy bears. They are so cute!
24) I used to collect model horses. I still have them...over 400 of them.
25) When I was a kid, my favorite movie was "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." I knew all the songs and would put on my own Sgt Pepper "show" and sing for an audience of stuffed animals.
26) I never had a pet when I was a kid.
27) I am deathly afraid of heights.
28) I am also terribly afraid of failure.
29) I have a BA and I double-majored in Art and English.
30) I would love to someday become a songwriter and/or playwright.
31) My fingers are double-jointed.
32) When I was in high school, I was called "Forehead" because I had no bangs.
33) I didn't cut my hair all throughout grammar school up until my junior year in high school.
34) I have difficulty trusting people.
35) I have difficulty expressing to people how I feel.
36) I have fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis and/or lupus. The doctor still doesn't know exactly what is wrong with me.
37) I would love to have breast reduction surgery (if I could afford it!)
38) I would love to be an actress or be in a play or something.
39) I taught myself to play the piano and the guitar.
40) I had my first boyfriend when I was a sophomore in high school and his name was Juston Smith.

Ok - so there are 40 things about me that now you know. I guess it is a start .

Random musing for the day...

....If common sense is so common, then why do so few people have it?


It is almost like an oxymoron..."common" and "sense" ... they don't really go together, do they? I just find it so strange when someone does something stupid, then another person says, "Common sense should have told you not to do that." Well if common sense is indeed, common, as the saying goes, then it would not be in such short supply. And why is it that only when a person does something WRONG, that the term "common sense" comes into play? I don't think I have ever heard a person congratulate someone for using their common sense. You see, when a person does something right or good or particularly clever, they are congratulated for using their brain or their head, or they are told, "good thinking!" It is almost like common sense has come to have a negative connotation, because you are always hearing it in a negative context...."You have no common sense.".... "Common sense should have told you that that was wrong!" ... "Didn't you use any common sense before you tried to do that?"... and so on and so forth. So much for common sense. Maybe they should just drop the "common" right off of it and refer to it as just plain "sense" from now on. Now, that would make more sense!

nah nah nah....Love Stinks..

In all my life, I never thought love could cause so much sadness, but I have found out otherwise. And it is not such a BAD thing that it causes sadness. I mean, sometimes things your family or friends say or do can cause you sadness, but you love them anyway, and keep on loving them. It is the bad things in life that happen that make you appreciate just how wonderful the good things are. I just never thought I could get so downright depressed over a measly 4-letter word! I hate seeing commercials of these happy couples holding hands....expecially at Christmas time...and doubly so during PMS, which I will from now on refer to as the "period of temporary insanity." I mean, it is not bad that people are happy, even in commercial land. It is just the fact that I don't have a person to hold my hand that really gets to me. I don't even know what is wrong with me half of the time. I go from being in a nice, calm state of mind in one moment, to bursting out into tears the next moment. Sometimes I do feel like I am losing my mind. It is just SO hard to be so completely in love with someone and not know how he feels about you. I mean, yes, it would completely crush me to know he didn't love me anymore, but then I would at least have an answer and could go about with my life from that point on. I have never been good with words. And even worse at confrontations. And yet even worse at feeling like I could potentially hurt someone's feelings. Gosh, I HATE that. I could not stand to hurt someone else. I just can't do that. Even if it means keeping all the bad, insanity-invoking stuff inside til it drives me mad. At least the only person getting hurt is me that way. And yes, there is that deep seeded fear of rejection. That voice inside your head that screams "I'm not good enough." Or "I'm too ugly for him. No wonder he doesn't love me." Or "What did I do to make him stop loving me? And can I fix it?" These are questions I am sure many people have asked themselves at one point...well, except for the "ugly" one....that one is one of my personal self-torments. It's not that I consider myself ugly exactly....just not attractive. I mean, I have never been flat-out told that I was ugly or unattractive...I just FEEL that way most of the time, and it is a hard thought to live with sometimes.

I just miss the physical aspects of a relationship.......SO much. And I am not talking about sex. I am talking about hugs and kisses and holding hands. I am talking about having someone to pat you on the back when you did a good job, or having someone to come home to at night. Someone to laugh with. Someone to hold you and comfort you when you have had a bad day. Or someone to just hold your hand when you are scared. Those tender touches that you long to feel, and miss more than anything. That is the "physical" I am talking about. That is what I miss so incredibly much. Being without that is what makes me cry myself to sleep at night. And knowing that when I am sad I will have no one there to comfort me, just makes me even sadder. And it is that fear that your feelings won't be returned that keeps you from flat out asking the person how he/she feels about you. Just like TS Eliot's Prufrock asks himself, "would it have been worth it after all," if he asks the object of his affection if she loves him back, and she says "that is not what I meant at all." How crushed he must have felt. Sometimes I feel just like Prufrock, who is not confident about himself and does not consider himself to be attractive. In fact, that is my favorite poem because I can completely relate to everything about it.

But, and this is a big BUT, love is also a wonderful, incredible thing. It is what fills you with exhilaration whenever the phone rings, wondering if it is that special someone calling you. It is that feeling of indescribable happiness that comes over you when you just hear his/her name. It is the butterflies that fill your insides when you see his/her face. It is a completely wonderful, amazing, incredible phenomenon that I can't even begin to properly define. I don't think it can really be defined in words alone, in fact. It is nothing short of a miracle.

And after the day is done, and after all the tears have been shed, I have no regrets. The only thing I have is a puzzle with one missing piece, and I hope that my special someone will come to me someday with that missing piece and make the puzzle complete.

Roger and Kay....together at last.

Have you ever seen those commercials on tv for Kay's..."Ev'ry kiss begins with Kay"....or those commercials for Roger's, who claim that "When you think love, you think Roger's"? I wanna know who are the ad wizards that came up with that crap! First of all, the only way ev'ry kiss would begin with Kay, is if you are a guy and are involved with a woman named Kay. And the only time you think love and think Roger's is if you are a woman and you are involved with a man named Roger. Don't you think it is just a little bit arrogant to think that your jewelry is so special that the word "love" has come to mean your company's name? The last time I looked in a dictionary, the word "love" was defined as "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness." I didn't see "Roger's" anywhere in the definition of "love." It is so apparent at Christmastime, and around Valentine's, that these jewelry companies go out of their way to make people feel either bad about themselves for not getting jewelry, or bad about themselves for not being able to give it. It is especially hard on the men, who undoubtedly feel pressured by these places to give their significant others some $500 piece of jewelry. It even gives them the impression that we, women, NEED some fancy-schmancy piece of jewelry to make us happy. Not only do the jewelry companies hurt men's pride, but they also make us women out to be these greedy b*tches who won't be satisfied with anything under a certain price tag. That is so unfair...to both of us! I, personally, would be perfectly happy with something from Wal-Mart! In fact, I would be proud of my man if he bought me a Wal Mart ring, cuz then I would know that he really knows me. Heck, I would be happy with a ring from a box of Crackerjack's at this rate - lol. But I digress. Christmas is commercial, but jewelry stores are commercialism at its worst. You can't commercialize love. I am sorry, but love doesn't come with a price tag. Love is something that comes from within. And it certainly does not come in a box from Roger's.

Festive Fishes
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Oh Christmas tree...oh Christmas tree...
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The Joys of Apartment Life

Ok, so apartment life is not THAT bad. There are worse things that living in an apartment....a root canal, being stuck in Los Angeles traffic, having pneumonia....yeah, those are definitely worse. But living in a small, little place where you can't paint the walls or change that uglier-than-sin carpet is not so great either. For one thing, you usually get stuck living next to the noisiest person in the world, who has no concept of volume control and has completely forgotten the fact that MOST people, contrary to his/her belief, do not like to listen to extremely loud spanish music, and especially not at 2 am. I have had 2 such neighbors in these last few years I have lived here. The one who lives next to me actually has toned his act down considerably....probably due to the fact that people have complained about him to the manager (no, it wasn't me!). The one who now lives below me likes to turn his spanish music on full blast at 7 am and 2 am...whichever he feels like doing. I guess he doesn't have to work in the morning or something...unlike me. And not only is the music extremely loud, but it also makes my floor vibrate. Now normally, things that vibrate are good. But not in this case. It would be so nice if people could be just a little considerate, but then, I think that would be asking too much! The next thing that bugs me about apartment living is the parking. Now we are all designated a parking spot that has our apartment number right above the spot. But, inevitably whenever someone new moves in, they end up having friends over and they don't inform them that they cannot park in OUR spots. The last thing I wanna do when I get home from work is to see a car parked in my spot, which of course, SHOULD be empty, since I am the only one who is supposed to park there. Oh, and then there are the cars who have those alarms on them that go off ALL night long....like now! I can hear someone's alarm going off. It is the second time tonite that it has gone off. But I digress. Also, the walls in this apartment are very thin, and people often forget this. You would be surprised at what kind of things you can hear through the walls! I guess what really bugs me the most, is the fact that I live alone, and it gets pretty lonely sometimes....and scary even. I mean, the other day I knocked the lamp off the ceiling and it hit me on the back of the head. I am surprised I didn't give myself a concussion! (those who know me, know I am a klutz, and weren't at all surprised when I told them this story) I could just imagine having something heavier hitting me and knocking me out and me just laying on the floor for hours until I woke up....IF I woke up at all. I have also nearly choked on a crouton (don't ask) and could just imagine if I had choked to death in my apartment and no one even knowing I was missing.I can see the headline now...."Death by crouton. Story at 11." You see those shows on tv where people smell something nasty coming from a house or apartment and then come to find that the person who lived in the smelly apartment (or house) had been dead for days...weeks even. As morbid as that sounds, it is something I have thought about, especially after that near-crouton-choking incident. It would be nice to have someone there when I had a nightmare (as I often have) or when I have one of those freaky-scary low blood sugar attacks. It would just be nice to be able to come home from work and have someone there to massage my feet. That is all I want in life. Someone who loves me enough to massage my stinky feet. Well, it is almost 2 am, and no sign of my neighbor's music tonite. Thank goodness for small miracles. I better get some sleep before he wakes up and turns it on...

Internet perverts tick me off!

Ok, what I want to know is WHY do guys feel it is necessary to bother me while I am online, with a stupid instant message like, "Hey baby, wanna see my cam?" or "I'm naked and horny. Talk to me." Makes me wanna gag. I don't have anything on my profile advertising that I would want to see that kind of crap. I mean, not EVERYONE in the world is a pervert. Why would ANYONE want to see that? What is the point? So what if the guy is naked.....everyone is naked at some point during the day! I mean, people have to shower! I get on my computer to play games or do crosswords or do a project or write here in my Blog.....NOT to be harassed by stupid guys (and girls!) who want to be all perverted. Get a life ! I bet their mother's are REALLY proud of them, all naked and doing gosh knows what else on a web cam. And then when I tell them I don't wanna see them, they have the nerve to tell me I am a prude, or I must be frigid, or I must not like sex....or whatever other kind of insult they can come up with. I think it really bothers them to be rejected or something. Frankly, I am NOT a prude or frigid, and I am not a sex hater. I am just normal (well as normal as a person can be). And if that is a sin, then let me go straight to hell.

A few words about PMS

Men are lucky. They don't have to deal with the whole PMS thing like we women do. Ok....they indirectly have to deal with it, I will give that to them. But dealing with it on a personal, emotional and physical level, well, just sucks. And it doesn't just suck....it sucks big, hairy donkey balls (that is my new catch phrase of the moment). I mean it is not just the nastiness which is tampons and maxi pads...it is a whole 'nother ball game. First, there is the bloating, which makes putting on shoes and pants a challenge. And it is just darned uncomfortable, too. It is feeling like you have gas and are going to explode at any moment. Does that sound fun??And then there are the cramps. I have RA (or lupus....whatever the doctor decides...but that is another story!) and fibromyalgia, and having to deal with pain on a daily basis is just a part of life for me. But to ADD to that pain is just plain wrong! Oh yeah, you can take Midol or other pain relievers to "get rid" of the pain...and I say "get rid" because they NEVER completely get rid of the pain. And of course the pain usually extends to your back, which just makes sitting up so incredibly cumfy (haha). Oh and then there is the emotional side of PMS....the side that makes me cry every time I see some commercial for the SPCA with the little kittens who need a good home...or those St Jude ads...or sometimes, when I am especially emotional, ANY commercial with a baby in it will start up the tears.And the reverse often happens too. I mean there are times during PMS when I just want to flat out whack that danged driver who just took my parking spot, or lay the smack down on that person who just took the last package of Oreos! And it is not because I am insane....or maybe I am. Maybe PMS is just a nice term for temporary insanity. And all of this stuff happens BEFORE the actual "M" happens. And all of it continues until the cycle is over. So, basically, a good (or bad) 10 days out of the month I am "temporarily insane." And men wonder why we are so tempermental! Good lord! If they REALLY knew what goes on in our minds when our hormones are totally out of whack, they would understand and maybe show us a little smidgen of sympathy. So, with that thought in mind, I am gonna go lie down with a bowl of Oreos and watch a sad movie.....lol.

All I want for Christmas is......

1) A hug from someone who loves me.
2) Some pain medicine that actually works!
3) A pair of fuzzy slippers to keep my feet warm.
4) A diamond ring ( ha ha - thought I'd put that in there for a humor effect)
5) A big teddy bear.
6) Another hug.
7) Maybe a kiss too.
8) Someone to hold me when I am cold.
9) No more pain!
10) A white chocolate mocha from Starbucks.

Men Suck because....

1) They NEVER call.
2) They cannot say the dreaded "L" word.
3) A romantic evening is easily spoiled by 3 words..."Bears vs. Cowboys"
4) They cannot understand why we women need an hour to shop for shoes.
5) When they get grey hairs, they look distinguished. When we women get them, we just look old.
6) Commitment? What is that? And why do you need it?
7) They never send you a birthday, Christmas, or any kind of holiday card. Or a present for that matter.
8) They never send you flowers unless they are in trouble.
9) It takes them just 5 minutes to get ready and look great, whereas it takes us women hours.
10) It takes them years to decide whether or not they love you, but only minutes to decide if they want to sleep with you.

Bah Humbug

It doesn't take much observation to see that Christmas is just around the corner. The freeways are getting busier, people are getting ruder, and it is becoming increasingly difficlut to find a parking spot in parking lots. You can tell why I almost hate this time of year. Never have I seen a picture of a Santa Claus with a frown on his face....he is always smiling, cuz he is a jolly sort of person. So what turns people into monsters in what is supposed to be a jolly, happy season? I am still trying to figure that one out myself. Maybe it is that quest for the perfect toy. You know, the one parents try to get for their kids, but not for the kids really, but so the kids can brag to the other kids about how THEIR mom or dad got them the new super powered, interchangeable, laser equipped, spaceship/range rover...or whatever the latest craze is. The whole season has become so commercial that people forget what the holiday was made for in the first place. The holiday, to me, is about celebrating love and family, and nowhere into that equation does that require me to go out into a crowded mall to fight over some stupid toy. I mean presents are nice. And there is nothing wrong with wanting a certain something for Christmas. But I have been witness to people who get something for Christmas and are so ungrateful for what they got that it just sickens me. It is the thought that counts after all (unless you get polyester pants, which in case, you may complain and return to your heart's content!) I am not really into getting presents as much as I am into giving presents. It is just a "me" thing. I love to go shopping and find that perfect little something for the people I care about. Not something big, expensive and trendy... but something small and meaningful, that really shows I put alot of thought into instead of a lot of money. I think those are the best kinds of gifts. I never complain about not getting presents, because I figure if I don't get anything, then I must have been bad in the first place to not have gotten anything (LOL). Personally, I would be happy with just a Christmas card! And even then, I don't always get that, which, to be honest, does hurt my feelings a little. And then I can't help but to feel sad for the people who have no family and no friends, and who have to spend the holidays alone. I am thankful that I have my family and friends to spend my holidays with. But then, I do get lonely when I see all these happy couples walking around, holding hands and kissing under the mistletoe. This time of year always depresses me, and it makes me understand how so many people can get depressed around this time of year. I just want a happy Christmas, even if I have no significant other around to share it with. The happiest Christmas I can imagine, in my present state (lol), would be one where people are courteous and kind, the streets are traffic-free, and parking spaces are abundant....and maybe a little less "It's A Wonderful Life" on tv. But that is never gonna happen, so I will just grin and bear it, and have as good a time as I can have this holiday season.

My current hamster, Squeakers - say cheese!
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My last hamster, Honey Bear - may she rest in peace
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a candle I drew in High School... which was over 10 years ago ! man, I am old!
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another cute horse
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another drawing
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A purty horse I drew
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my best friend's little pumpkin
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Things That Sound Dirty At Christmas Time, But Aren't

1) Can I shake your present?
2) Don't bite that candy cane. It's too hard. You need to suck on it.
3) Watch out or you will break my balls!
4) Can I try a piece of your pie?
5) If you shake the package too hard, it might break.
6) Those are some huge balls on that tree!
7) Spread the legs so I can get this stuffing in.
8) I hope Santa eats my cookies!
9) If you are a good girl, Santa will fill your stocking.
10) You better eat all of your meat or you won't get any dessert.

Coco and Apple and Phinneas oh my!

My best friend and I were talking online last nite about baby names, as she is pregnant and is going to have a baby in late April. She says she is stuck on picking out a girl's name right now, and was running through some baby name ideas with me. She likes the names Mikayla and Brianna alot but isn't quite sure they go with her last name and not too sure if she will like the nicknames those names would have. I am just happy she is putting a lot of thought into the naming of her child, as some people sure haven't! (or if they have spent a lot of time thinking and came up with a name like, let's say, Rocketship, then they have some serious problems!) It seems like celebrities are the worst at picking out names, and it is even worse when these celebrities pick out these hideous names (like Jet or Apple) and suddenly these names become trendy, paving the way for a future of very angry and tormented kids. But celebrities think they are special and that they are expected to give their kids off the wall names. I think people should stay away from naming their kids after a fruit, or any kind of food product period! I can just imagine someday (after I have a kid first of course), having my kid come home and introducing her friends Mango, Pumpkin and Oregano to me. Or having my son have his friend Bayleaf stay the night. As for me, I love the names Lauren Amber (or Amber Lauren), and Nathaniel Adam , which are nice, sensible and not too long names. You do have to think though about what their initials would spell. For instance, if your last name was Smith, you would not want to name your child Ashleigh Samantha. Or if your last name were Whittier, you would not want to name your kid Raymond Alexander. And in no instances would you want to nickname your child B.J. There are just some things that are better left for comedy movies...like I would never name my kid Gaylord...no matter if it was a family name or not! Sometimes old names remain unused for good reason...like Harriet or Hilda. As for names, I can only speak for myself when I say that I would not name my kid any of the following names:

Candy, Star, Rainbow, Apple (or any other kind of fruit or food name), Jet, Queen, King, Prince, Princess, Hamlet, Superman, Phinneas, Placenscia, Diva, Chastity, Lemuel, Blue (or any other color for that matter), Rex, Tiger, Assylyn, Griselda, Hildegarde, Humphrey, Hugo, and Silent Tears.

Personally, I like nice, simple names which will not make my child end up getting teased and beaten up over. I can only say, that if I ever have a child, I will ne nice and give him or her a nice, normal name, and hopefully he or she will thank me someday for not giving him or her a name like Fallopia or Poindexter.

Turkey Day Distress

Well, now that Turkey Day is finally over, all I can say is "thank goodness." With all the eating, traffic, and football games, I am surprised I am actually still sane. I spent my holiday at my grandmother's house, and , although I love my grandmother and my family, I could only stand to stay there for 2 nights. First of all, she keeps her house VERY hot....it must have been 90 in there. I actuallyhad to go out of the house to cool off. And I can't quite understand why she keeps the heater on all day and night, yet leaves the bathroom window open. I am sure that will be something I won't be able to answer in my lifetime. Secondly, the bed which I am forced to sleep on is about 40 years old, and the mattress has places on it where you can actually feel the mattress springs with your hands. And if you can feel them with your hands, you can only imagine how they feel on your back! Thirdly, and this is perhaps the most important part of why I could only stay for 2 nights at my grandma's, is she only has one television set.....one. And, Turkey Day is full of football games, and this year, James Bond marathons on tv. I think if I hear the James Bond theme song once more time, I will scream! Just say "NO!" to James Bond....and also to those Orange County Chopper people on The Discovery Channel...they also decided to have a marathon. So after we got done eating turkey, the rest of the day was spent at my grandma's with my dad flipping between James Bond and OC Choppers. UGH!!!! I could have complained, but it would not have been nice. Anyway, now that Turkey Day is over, I can only look foward to Christmas, which undoubtedly will be full of marathons of "It's a Wonderful Life", and "A Christmas Story." ... you know, that movie with the little blonde-haired kid with glasses who nearly shoots his eye out... at least I like that movie. But hopefully, I can spend my Christmas evening in my house, or at my folks' where there is more than one tv set.

Another Poem - a long one

Candlelight Memories

The script is closed for now, the story over,

The pages turn through my mind.

I remember them, I remember them all,

Every word etched in the page of my memory.

An empty vase on the kitchen table,

Dried flowers in the waste can.

Stale perfume that lingers in the air, I breathe it in,

An old memory that recalls to life a time

When that scent meant something much more

Than it means to me now.

Once, long ago it seems,

It meant roses and wine,

Nights by firelight reading old poetry,

And listening to nocturnes and concertos,

Soft speeches whispered to a tune,

Long walks along beaches in the moonlight

Alongside a high tide.

Memories of you and me playing chess by candlelight,

Under the cover of a star-filled night,

Memories soft and saddening.

But what once was sweet, now has turned stale,

And I now recall memories, too,

Of well-wrought arias,

Practiced allegrettos, played appasionata,

Rehearsed melodies, carefully timed tempo,

Songs that faded quickly, sharp notes falling flat.

And all the late night worries,

Called-in cancellations and artful alibis.

Well-rehearsed lines recited to a naive audience,

Dinners for one and the smell of new perfume on shirt collars,

Love drifted elsewhere.

Duet became solo.

The scene has played itself out, the cast has departed,

Yet the play goes on; it is in its final act.

I can hear the fading strains of Chopin in the night,

A sound beautiful, but bittersweet.

The piano seems to speak to me,

Telling me of a story that happened long ago.

It is my story.

Oh that sound means so much to me!

The melody fading, dimuendo, dying like my flowers,

Each note a faded petal falling slowly down to the floor,

Then disappearing without a trace,

Leaving only its fast-fading memory.

Oh, if that were only the case!

For love is not so fast-fading, it lingers on,

Like the fog along the street,

Or the smell of smoke in a small, dark room.

Or like the last note of a long melody.

A memory that lives long, that hurts long,

The makes long suffering.

The moon is still, her light wanes a little I see.

Has she lost her love? Is she as lonely as me?

So I sit here alone amid the soft light of a burning candle,

Pools of cooling wax at my feet,

Drops of it on the chessboard on my table.

The candle burns without a purpose but to burn itself out.

So does passion, that kills itself by what it feeds on,

Consuming so much til there's nothing left, and it dies.

The flame extinguished by the flame.

Love killed by love.

And so the play goes on, I the solitary player,

Alone, save for the dried flowers and melted wax,

Lingering melodies and symphonies,

Performed improvisational, scriptless and pointless,

And the memories of it all,

Yes they will be there always I suppose,

Like stale perfume on sofa covers,

Or old smoke in window shades,

Like the pools of candle wax on the table,

Or the smell of dried flowers in dark rooms,

Echoes of Chopin down dim side streets,

Or the strains of old poetry in coffee bars.

The flame from the candle barely burning,

Almost to its end.

Soon it will die and fade away,

Taking away my memories.

The play draws to a close.

The curtains are drawn and the darkness creeps in.

I will light a new candle.

Let the next play begin!

~ 10/2004

Endangered Species

There are several hundreds of species on the endangered species list. It is important to preserve and protect these species. But often overlooked are the equally rare and endangered species of jewelry. You often can only find them in malls where they are cruelly held captive in glass cages and watched over by security guards. One such piece of rare jewelry is the engagement ring. It is so rare, in fact, that the few women who possess this rarity keep it on their fingers at all times and constantly show it off to their less fortunate friends who do not own one. This showing off is usually done with much excitement, yet is almost mockingly done. A sort of "in your face" to those of us who have not been able to capture one. Unfortunately, the woman cannot capture one of these, for it is up to the man to do this (unless you are Britney Spears, which in case, you go and capture it yourself, but this is highly unusual, and can only be done by celebrities). Perhaps the rarest of all of the jewelry pieces is the wedding band. Also found in malls kept under glass cages surrounded by bright lights, these rare pieces are elusive and hard to come by. Usually once the engagement ring has been caught, the wedding band is next to be caught, but this can sometimes take years and sometimes the engagement ring is lost before the acquisition of the wedding band can take place. Often times this losing of the ring is done by hurling it in the face of the man who caught it for you in the first place (unless you are Britney Spears, in which case she would have to throw it in her own face). Yet often, despite this hurling, the engagement ring is often picked up again by the woman who did such hurling, only to be end up once again, locked behind a glass cage in a mall or downtown in a pawn shop. Such a sad life these beautiful specimens lead. I think men should take the initiative and set these species free! I am sure they would be ever so happy to escape from the lights and guards and to be able to live forever happily on a nice warm finger.

Turkey Day approaches....

It is Wednesday, November 24th, which is the day before Turkey Day. I bet most people out there are in a panic because they don't have enough cranberry sauce, or they need more bread for stuffing, etc. And who wants to stand in those ridiculously long lines in the supermarket?? Not me. That is exactly why my family is saying screw the supermarket and hot ovens, and taking ourselves out to eat! Think about it.... it only takes about an hour or so to get yourself in the car, drive to the restaurant, get seated, order, eat and pay. While making the danged dinner yourself can take hours....even days of planning and cooking alone. I am sure if I had a family of my own that I would like to cook the whole dinner myself, but I am sure after one of those experiences I would be ready to hit the road and go out to eat! Anyway, hope everyone has a nice Turkey Day.... take it easy and don't get too stuffed.... he he

Funny Quotes :)

"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.."~ Diana Jordan.

"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." ~Matt Groening.

"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who." ~Joan Rivers.

"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven." ~Joan Rivers.

"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." ~ Steven Wright

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." ~George Carlin.

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"~Paul Merton.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." ~Dave Edison.

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." ~Steven Wright.

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. " ~ Douglas Adams

"I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far." ~Steven Wright

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. " ~ Unknown


"The whole world is our dining room, but be careful: it is also our garbage can." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant