Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Have you ever tried to throw away a wastebasket? You can't do it. People keep bringing it back. 'Here, Howie, I found your wastebasket in the garbage.' Apparently, you have to completely destroy a wastebasket in order to convince people you really don't want it anymore."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Socks....check....shoes.....check....bra.....check)

Bra Check Spurs Nursing Home Worker to Sue

ELIZABETHTOWN, N.Y. - A former nursing home worker has filed a $9 million federal lawsuit against an upstate county, claiming she's suffered mental anguish and needs anti-anxiety medication after being forced to prove she was wearing a bra at work.

Karen Tenney claims in the lawsuit against Essex County that a supervisor at the Horace Nye Nursing Home where she worked placed her hand on the back of Tenney's sweater to feel for a bra clasp.

When a clasp wasn't found, Tenney, a dietary aide, pulled up her sweater to show she was wearing a black sports bra. The move triggered other workers inside the dietary unit to show off the bras they were wearing.

"I feel that the actions of those involved constitute sexual harassment under federal and state law," Tenney said in court papers. "I have been constructively terminated by the actions of ... my employer and (the) failure to stop this harassment."

The undergarment check happened in April after nursing home officials received a complaint that Tenney was not wearing a bra as required by county policy.

Besides Essex County, which is in the Adirondacks, Tenney also names in her lawsuit the nursing home, county Attorney Richard Meyer and the state Civil Service Employees Union.

"We contend the suit is without merit," Meyer said.

Thanks Netter!!!

My blogging friend Netter sent me a George Carlin book in the mail called, Napalm & Silly Putty. How nice of her!!!!! She also sent me a Chinese Jump Rope along with it...a little inside humor - hehe...I had once said that I used to rock at Chinese Jump Rope...I really did! I was really good at it...WAS...hehe. Anyway, in honor of Netter, I am posting some quotes out of the book here...

"Road rage, air rage. Why should I be forced to divide my rage into separate categories? To me, it's just one big, all-around, everyday rage. I don't have time for fine distinctions. I'm busy screaming at people."

"So far, this is the oldest I've been."

Why do they keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say, and basically no one gives a fuck."

"Now, a couple of things to remember when you're out in traffic. First of all, never get behind anybody weird. Y'ever get stuck behind a guy whose turn signal has been on for about eighty miles? And you're thinkin' to yourself, 'Well maybe he's just a really cautious man. I'm not gonna pass him now, he may turn at any moment.' And later you discover he was driving around the world - to the left."

"You know my favorite play in baseball? The bean ball. It's great isn't it? It's dramatic. Especially if the guy is really hurt. Sometimes the ball hits the helmet, and you feel kind of disappointed. Even though it makes a good loud noise."


Thanks Netter. You made my day! You rock!

Stupid News Story of The Day

(No-Doze anyone?)

Cops: Man Falls Asleep While Siphoning Gas

MUNCIE, Ind. - A man fell asleep while siphoning gasoline into a 55-gallon tank that had been installed in the back of a van, police said.

The manager of the Swifty station on the city's south side noticed the white van parked on its lot when he arrived Tuesday morning and called police.

Inside the van, officers reported finding a man asleep next to a 55-gallon tank and a battery-operated pump. A hose from the pump led to the gas station's underground tank.

"That's a lot of gas," Police Chief Joe Winkle said. "I'm sure he felt like this would be a pretty good heist for himself."

Firefighters were called to disconnect the hose, and the man was arrested on charges of theft and possession of a firearm without a permit, Winkle said. He was being held in the Delaware County Jail.

Winkle said investigators were working to confirm the man's identity.

With regular unleaded at the station selling for $2.67, the tank would have held nearly $150 worth of fuel.

Dentists....suck!

I had to go to the dentist today for a cleaning. How fun! hahaha. I hate the dentist....let me rephrase that...I hate going to the dentist. The lady that cleaned my teeth today was new. Or, she was new to me. She had never cleaned my teeth before, so she didn't really know that I was a "bleeder." My gums always bleed, even when I brush my teeth sometimes. They have been like that since I was a little kid. In fact, once, the dentist told me I had gingivitis because my gums bled, when, in fact, I didn't have it. Yeah, I am difficult :P

Anyway, she told me that it was gonna be just a simple cleaning since I didn't have to have x-rays or anything. This was good news. Now, I don't know for sure, but I am almost positive that this woman likes to inflict pain. As she was mercilessly poking and prodding into my gums with that metal hook thing, she was humming along to the radio. I guess pain makes her smile. I am glad someone enjoys pain, because I sure don't. I officially hate her. Yes I do. I hate the teeth cleaning woman. I was cussing at her in my mind as she was stabbing my gums. Anyway, it hurt like hell, and I took an Advil to help the pain go away. I hate going to the dentist....I hate it so very, very much.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Some people think billiards is a sport, but it can't be, because there's no chance for serious injury. Unless, of course, you welch on a bet in a tough neighborhood. Then, if you wind up with a pool cue stickin' out of your ass, you know you might just be the victim of a sports-related injury. But that ain't billiards, that's pool."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(And how did you think they would react??)

Porn shoot stuns tourists

BERLIN (Reuters) - Italian vacationers admiring the view from a fairground Ferris wheel at the Munich Oktoberfest got more than they bargained for when a porn shoot suddenly began inside their cabin, authorities said on Friday.

Having settled down to enjoy a leisurely spin on the wheel at the famous beer festival, the group of Italians were quite unprepared for the arrival of two men toting cameras and a woman who started to use a vibrator.

Unable to stop the shoot, the Italians informed local police, who promptly arrested the actress and her crew, a political scientist and a 25-year-old student.

"They said they weren't doing it for commercial reasons but that they wanted to see how visitors would react," police said. The three have been charged with public indecency.

My crazy trip home

I posted this on my Myspace blog, too, but thought it was so funny that I had to post it here too. hehehe. I am such a dorkball!


I went to the beach over the weekend. I had a good time, even though it was foggy. I am the kind of person who could have fun just about anywhere I go, no matter if it is rain or shine. The trip over there went just peachy, but the trip home....well it was one to remember, for sure. I am a total gooberhead. Let's just start with that. It is a well-known fact that I am a klutz and I have no sense of direction. I am a klutzy, brainless gooberhead. There...I think that about sums it up. If you can think of any other words that can describe me, well let me know and I will make a list.

Well, I started back from Santa Maria a little before 9 pm. I decided that I was hungry and wanted some fries from Micky D's and a soda. Gotta keep myself caffeinated for the 2 hour trip home. And I hadn't eaten since like 2 pm, so I was hungry.Had I known, however, that it was gonna take 3 hours to get home instead of the normal 2, I might not have opted for that soda. But I digress.

I got to Mickey D's, knowing that there was one a little ways down the road. All was fine and dandy at that point. But I apparently missed my turn to get onto the street that leads to the freeway and ended up taking a long-ass detour down a side street that seemed to have no end. Oh, but it did have an end...a dead end. #%^*@! Sooooo, I had to turn around and go allllll the way back. Contrary to popular belief, not all roads lead to the freeway. Whoever tells you that is full of crap! Smack anyone who tells you that and tell them that it was from me!

So, after much driving around, I FINALLY got to the freeway, and I figured then that the worst was behind me. Boy was I ever wrong about that (let me just tell you that it was about 9:45 when I finally got onto the freeway). So, I was driving along down the 166 and up ahead in the distance, I saw the shimmering taillights of a pickup, and guess what....he was going about 35 mph. UGH! 35! What is that all about? And at every curve in the road, he would slow down to like 20 mph. Freakin' a! I was so pissed because it was a solid double line for miles at that point in the road, and with all the curves and up-and-down hills, I would not have been able to pass him anyway had I been a lawbreaker and passed over the solid double lines. So, here I was, already off schedule and stuck behind a slow-ass turtle...and then it starts to rain. Now, let me back up for a minute and tell you that one of my wiper blades is jacked up. In the Bakersfield summer, wiper blades don't last long. The sun dries them up and deteriorates them pretty fast, so I hadn't replaced it yet. After all, it hasn't rained in a while in town, and by the time I would actually get to use them, they would have probably been all messed up again. Besides, when I last looked at the weather forecast on Friday, nowhere, I repeat NOWHERE in the forecast did it say "rain." Had it called for rain, I would have replaced the thing. Must be nice to have a job like predicting the weather where you are allowed to be wrong all of the time and still be able to keep your job....but I digress....again.

So here I was, stuck going 35 mph, in the rain, and with one working wiper blade. Yeah. Things are going just SWELL here. Then I see lightning. Now, either the turtle in front of me going 35 mph has never seen lightning before, or maybe he is just really scared of it, but at the moment the lightning streaked across the sky, the guy swerves into the shoulder and nearly goes up the side of the hill. Once he regains control, he slows down even more. UGH!!!!!!!!! Fucking lightning! Fucking turtle! Fucking Mickey D's!!! Finally, up ahead, I see a glimmer of hope...the end of the solid double lines! YES!!!!

I speed up and pass mr turtle who had taken up so much of my time, and cruise for the rest of the way at a nice 70 mph. And I don't even slow down around the curves. Curves can kiss my sweet ass! And as soon as that slow ass fuckhead who slowed me down is out of the view of my rear-view mirror, I let out a shout of joy and turn up the radio. Smooth sailing for the rest of the way. Or at least to Cuyama.

Around the time I reached Cuyama, which is still about 60 miles from home, I got stuck behind another turtle, who I not-so-fondly began refering to as "assholio." Assholio was going about 40 mph. Granted, he was towing a trailer, so I was not pissed about that. What pissed me off so much about assholio, was that he would speed up whenever a broken line came into view. He would speed up to about 65-70 and then slow back down to 40 mph when the no passing zone was back in effect. Asshole!!! I started singing my "asshole song" (which goes, "assholes, assholes, mother fucking assholes. Assholes, assholes, beat them, YES!"), which is reserved for only the truest and most aggravating assholes. And yes, there are degrees of asshole-idity. This guy was at maybe the 4th degree on the scale from 1 to 5, with 5th being the supreme asshole. Finally, a passing lane came up, and I was able to zoom past assholio and leave him and his asshole trailer in my dust. Aggravated, I most definitely was, I and continued to sing my asshole song for a few more miles. I find it has a calming effect on me and helps to avoid road rage, or at least to bring it down to a tolerable level.

So with both assholio and the turtle both behind me, I continued on my adventure home, and it was already past 11 pm by this time. I would have been home already had it not been for those 2! @#$%!!!!! I was already in a bad mood, so I thought maybe I should avoid the freeway, so I decided to take Old River Road instead of taking the 166 to the 99 like I usually do. Brilliant idea! HA! Let me digress once more and just say that at any time when I say "I have a great idea," please, PLEASE just say NO! PLEASE! My great ideas have a way of being .... not so great, to put it nicely.

So, here comes the turn off for Old River Road. I have taken this road many times before, but not in the dark. Things have a way of looking different in the dark, as I have come to find....the hard way. So I am driving along, singing to the radio, trying to stay awake because for all intensive purposes, I should have been in bed by now, when I come to a crossroad. So, without a thought in my head, I make a left, unaware at the time that I should have made a right. La la la....driving along....la la la....wtf? 2 dairies??? Where the hell am I? CRAPOLA! I should have turned right! DAMNIT! Yes, those were the words that were coming out of my mouth ...along with a few more choice 4-letter words and probably some that have not been invented yet. I think at this point, I was speaking in tongues. Freakin' a! I had to turn around and go back the way I came. At this point, I was exhausted. I was all turned around, it was dark, I was sleepy, and there was nothing on the radio worth listening to, there were no asshole drivers to flip off or yell at. And, to top it all off, it stunk! Literally, it stunk like cow poop. So, I came to a road that I recognized....Buena Vista Road. AH HA! I know this road....or so I thought. I drive down the road and it freakin' dead ends. OMG! ARGHHH!!! This is just wrong! Where am I??????? So I turn around and drive back down the road, and then 2 dogs jump out and I nearly hit them. I am wide awake now. That was close. I wait for my heart to start again, then I continue driving.
I finally see the freeway entrance. Thank the lord. Granted, it is the I-5 entrance, but I know I can get the Taft exit and get to Panama Lane that way. So I drive and drive, feeling a little relieved that I am somewhere familiar now, and very embarassed that I got so lost, and in much need to a toilet. I had to pee like there was no tomorrow! Up ahead I see the Old River Road exit, and decide to live dangerously and take that. Again past the railroad tracks and the smelly dairy, but this time I make a right where I made the left the time before, and I make it home. FINALLY! Let that be a lesson to me. Never take a side road when the freeway is right ahead...and next time, I am gonna forget about the damned fries, and especially the soda. My bladder was screaming to me by the time I got in my door.

Oh well, at least I can laugh about it now. And I am sure most people who are reading this are laughing at me too. - lol

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"With any kind of car, just opening the driver's door and getting in involves a certain amount of risk. Have you noticed that? The terrific way they designed cars so the driver's door opens right out into the middle of traffic? About the only intelligent thing the British ever did was putting that driver's seat right over there near the curb where it belongs. Of course, then they went and moved the curb to the wrong side of the street."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(It's a sad, sad day when a guinea pig gets more Valentine's then I have ever gotten in my life!)

New record for most Valentines sent to guinea pig

LONDON (Reuters) - Sooty has set a new world record for the most valentine cards sent to a guinea pig.


The three-year-old guinea pig from Wales received 206 cards from as far away as New Zealand to gain a bizarre entry in the latest edition of Guinness World Records published Thursday.

Sooty was joined in the ranks of the world's weirdest and wackiest achievers by Briton Paul Hunn who took the record for the world's largest burp. Louder than a pile driver, his burps can be heard from a distance of 30 yards.

Not to be outdone, Canadian Christa Rasanayagam set a new record when accompanied up the aisle by no less than 79 bridesmaids aged from one to 79.

American Ashrita Furman found yet more Guinness immortality by pushing an orange one mile with his nose in 24 minutes and 36 seconds.

Furman is no stranger to Guinness, laying claim to 94 official records with such bizarre feats as climbing Mount Fuji on a pogo stick, underwater rope jumping and lighting 27,000 candles on a birthday cake in New York.