Friday, August 04, 2006
Random Fact of The Day
An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards.
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
"Here are some of the other survival tips from the instructor of Fright School that I wrote down:
If you're going to use and escape rope, try to get some knots in it.
Try to anticipate strikes or blows.
Also, if you're going to get shot, the farther you are from the shooter, the better. I learned that valuable tip during the first-aid section of our training. The instructor began this section by noting that some people are reluctant to attempt first aid. 'But,' he said, 'if your colleague is dying, and you don't do anything, he's going to die, isn't he? And he's not going to thank you, is he?' To which sports columnist Tom Powers replied: 'He's not going to complain either."
If you're going to use and escape rope, try to get some knots in it.
Try to anticipate strikes or blows.
Also, if you're going to get shot, the farther you are from the shooter, the better. I learned that valuable tip during the first-aid section of our training. The instructor began this section by noting that some people are reluctant to attempt first aid. 'But,' he said, 'if your colleague is dying, and you don't do anything, he's going to die, isn't he? And he's not going to thank you, is he?' To which sports columnist Tom Powers replied: 'He's not going to complain either."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(Where's my invitation?)
Abusing their power by abusing their power...
BEIJING (Reuters) - Two Chinese officials cut off power to a hotel after they were not invited to its opening party and forced managers to drink spirits before they would turn the electricity back on, a state newspaper said Friday.
The two officials, who were subsequently fired, said they would lessen the power outage by one hour for every bottle of "baijiu" -- a strong grain-based alcohol -- two female managers drank, the Beijing Times said.
The two officials, who worked at the power company in the central province of Hunan, were found to have "severely harmed the image of the electricity bureau" and "caused a depraved social disturbance," the newspaper said.
The loss of power also caused chaos and blackouts for surrounding residents, it added.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
"My wife did not understand why I needed to buy a new cell phone. Yet every guy I show it to immediately agrees that it is a vital necessity. I have a friend named Robert who has a similar phone, and recently we discovered that, theoretically, I could 'beam' my address and phone number from my phone to his phone THROUGH THE AIR. I say 'theoretically' because we could not get it to actually work, although we spent a good ten minutes standing about a foot apart, pointing our phones at each other and fruitlessly pressing buttons. Several women watched this with some amusement: they suggested that - get this - it might be quicker for me to just TELL Robert my address and phone number, which would have represented a wanton and reckless disregard on our part for the beaming feature. These women also suggested that we look at our owner's manuals, which of course is out of the question. For a guy, reading the manual is tanamount to admitting that, manhoodwise, you are in the hamster category."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(Help...police! I'm not getting any!)
Ah, this should certainly put him in the mood...
FRANKFURT (Reuters) - Police in the German city of Aachen received an unusual call for help late Wednesday when a woman telephoned to complain her husband was not fulfilling his sexual obligations.
After the couple had been sleeping in separate beds for several months without intimate contact, the 44-year-old woman woke the husband, 45, in the middle of the night and demanded he satisfy her needs, police spokesman Paul Kemen said Thursday.
When her advances were refused, a row broke out and she called the police and asked them to intervene, he added.
"The police officials did not feel able to resolve the dispute, let alone issue any kind of official order," Kemen said.
"And because no crime or infringement could be identified, all they could do was file a report in case intervention might be required at a later date," he added.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Sleep...my kingdom for some sleep!
Another night has come and gone, and still I can't manage to sleep thru the night. Even with the new meds. I guess I need to give it some time to start working, but I expect results NOW. Am I asking for too much? Probably. I just want to go thru a day....ONE day...where I don't feel like a zombie because I haven't had enough sleep. I managed to fall asleep ok last night, around 11:30, but then I woke up at 1 am, and then again at 3 am, and again at 5:30, and by then, I had just given up on sleeping and just lay in my bed with my eyes shut until I HAD to get up at 6:30. I said that I just laid in bed with my eyes shut because I wasn't really sleeping. Sleeping means that you are oblivious of what is going on around you. But I could hear every tick of the clock, every little squeaking of my hamster's wheel, and the muted sound of my neighbor's music. Yes, he was playing his music again last night ALL night long , but at least it wasn't really loud. Plus, I was thinking about what I could do to make this day go by smoothly. Trying to come up with a game plan.
I was supposed to be filling in for another worker's appointments today. Today is recertification day for the minor consent people, and the normal worker is out. I had to do this last month as well, and it was a nightmare. I was so preoccupied with trying to figure out a way to make it go smoother this time, that my brain would not stop thinking. Thus, the lack of sleep. However, I found out today that I didn't have to do it after all. Another worker had already been taken off schedule to fill in. Had I known this in advance, I may have actually slept last night. Grrrrrr.
I have one of those overactive minds. The kind that won't stop working at night. I will lay in bed thinking about what I have to do the next day, or the next week, or even far off into the future. I will think about things of the past and better ways of doing those things in the future. I will lay in bed thinking of new ways to do things or things I want to do or places I want to go.I will dwell on things like, "Did I lock the door?" Sometimes I will convince myself that I didn't lock the door and I will have to get up and check it (of course, it is ALWAYS locked). And I will think about these things for hours! I wish I would not think so much! I wonder if there is a pill to take to shut off your thoughts - lol. Speaking of pills, why can't they make ones that taste better? Why do they have to be so bitter and nasty tasing? But I digress.
I keep getting phone calls from some dude who asks for a dude named Charlie. It is not just 2 or 3 times this dude has called....he has called my number over 10 times in the past 2 months (yes, I have been keeping track). I am not Charlie! I wasn't Charlie the last 10 times you called, nor am I Charlie now. I am KIM! My voice mail even says my name. The other night, my phone rang at 2 am and it was that dude asking for Charlie again. Grrr. I told him I wasn't Charlie and that I didn't know any Charlie. Apparently that didn't work, cuz yesterday, the dude called me 2 more times asking for Charlie. I AM NOT CHARLIE, DAMNIT!
I was supposed to be filling in for another worker's appointments today. Today is recertification day for the minor consent people, and the normal worker is out. I had to do this last month as well, and it was a nightmare. I was so preoccupied with trying to figure out a way to make it go smoother this time, that my brain would not stop thinking. Thus, the lack of sleep. However, I found out today that I didn't have to do it after all. Another worker had already been taken off schedule to fill in. Had I known this in advance, I may have actually slept last night. Grrrrrr.
I have one of those overactive minds. The kind that won't stop working at night. I will lay in bed thinking about what I have to do the next day, or the next week, or even far off into the future. I will think about things of the past and better ways of doing those things in the future. I will lay in bed thinking of new ways to do things or things I want to do or places I want to go.I will dwell on things like, "Did I lock the door?" Sometimes I will convince myself that I didn't lock the door and I will have to get up and check it (of course, it is ALWAYS locked). And I will think about these things for hours! I wish I would not think so much! I wonder if there is a pill to take to shut off your thoughts - lol. Speaking of pills, why can't they make ones that taste better? Why do they have to be so bitter and nasty tasing? But I digress.
I keep getting phone calls from some dude who asks for a dude named Charlie. It is not just 2 or 3 times this dude has called....he has called my number over 10 times in the past 2 months (yes, I have been keeping track). I am not Charlie! I wasn't Charlie the last 10 times you called, nor am I Charlie now. I am KIM! My voice mail even says my name. The other night, my phone rang at 2 am and it was that dude asking for Charlie again. Grrr. I told him I wasn't Charlie and that I didn't know any Charlie. Apparently that didn't work, cuz yesterday, the dude called me 2 more times asking for Charlie. I AM NOT CHARLIE, DAMNIT!
Let's see how well you do....
LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________
1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 - 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________
1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 - 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
Caption This!
Yeah I'm tired. YOU try lugging this big head around all day and see how YOU feel.
post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
"The primitive male shopper did not dilly-dally. He did not ask whether the yak was on sale. He did not try to accessorize the yak. He did not summon his primitive men friends and ask them if they thought the yak made his hips look big. No, he just WHOMPED THE YAK, and then he dragged it home, stopping only to whomp the primitive sales guys who appeared out of nowhere and tried to force him to purchase the service agreement. This is the biological basis for shopping. And this is why, even today, most men, when they shop, are yak-whompers. They do not wander. They go straight for the kill. I know I do. When I enter a store, I have a definite, practical, no-nonsense objective in mind, which is to locate, and secure, an electronic gizmo that I already have, except the new one has more features."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(He was REALLY hungry.)
Surgeons find knife, nails in stomach
BELGRADE, Serbia - A team of surgeons in western Serbia earlier this week took out eight nails, a knife, a pen, a screw, a spoon, a clothes-peg and other, smaller objects, from a young man's stomach, one of the doctors said Wednesday.
"We were astonished," said Dr. Maja Gulan, who helped perform the operation Monday in Uzice, 70 miles southwest of Belgrade.
"We have seen people swallow various things, but never this many," she added.
The identity of the patient has not been revealed. The doctors said he had suffered no major damage to his internal organs, and was successfully recovering.
The case was initially reported by a concerned relative who saw him swallowing the objects, doctors said.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
"I can't shop with my wife. The problem is that she almost never has a clear objective. I ALWAYS have a clear objective. Without a clear objective, you're just wandering randomly around a store, which is NOT the point of shopping. This is not just my opinion: This is the opinion of literally thousands of Nobel Prize-winning scientists whose names are available upon request. These scientists have traced the origins of shopping back to prehistoric times, when 'shopping' was called 'hunting,' and primitive man would make out his 'shopping list' by drawing, on his cave wall, a picture of his objective, usually a large wad of meat in the form of, say, a yak. He would then go out into the wild, locate his objective, and make the 'purchase' by whomping the yak on the head with a club."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(I'm gonna huff, I'm gonna puff, I'm gonna blow up my house!)
Man blows up flat after being evicted
LISBON (Reuters) - An 80-year-old man blew up his flat on Monday to retaliate for being evicted by his landlord, bringing down part of his five-floor central Lisbon block and setting it alight.
"He had threatened neighbours that he would blow up the place if he ever got kicked out," Carlos Pinto, a fireman with the Lisbon fire brigade, told Reuters. "I guess he kept his promise."
He said neighbours had reported that the man had threatened to pour petrol on his floor and set it alight, and one reported seeing him with a bottle of petrol moments before the explosion.
The man suffered severe burns. No other casualties were reported.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Caption This!
Jennie Ling, 18, a member of the National Acrobatic Team, shows off her acrobatic skills. She says she loves doing acrobatics, and her flexibility gives her a sense of freedom....and a lot of dates.
post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.
Just call me Ms Grumpypants
Ugh. I hate Mondays. Yeah, I know I keep repeating it every week, but I think it bears repeating.
Another thing I hate is my next-door neighbor...the one who lives to my left (in other words, the one who is right next to my bedroom). His louder-than-loud music was blaring on his stereo til over 4 am on both Friday and Saturday nights. I could not sleep even with earplugs! I had to go out to my living room and crash on the couch, and even with earplugs and my bedroom door closed, I could still hear his crappy ass music. Ugh! And last night, I awoke at 3 am, only to hear the sound of his asshole voice screaming at someone in his apartment (maybe his girlfriend or his kid....I dunno - I could only hear his voice). I could even hear some of what he was saying (not that I WANTED to, but with a voice that loud, you can't avoid it). He kept saying...."Why do you have to keep going on and on and on?!" (I was thinking the same thing myself...about HIS mother-fucking ass). Someone please come over and just shoot him! PLEASE! God he sucks! I don't really hate people, but I could definitely see myself hating his lousy ass. Inconsiderate, rude, loud mother fucker! I didn't go back to sleep til after 4:30, then woke up again at 5:10, fell back asleep and woke up again at 6:30. Another night of little, lousy sleep. No wonder I am so grumpy!
This morning, on the way to work, I came thisclose to rear-ending a pickup in front of me, because the on-ramp to the 99 was backed up due to an accident just past Ming Ave. I couldn't see that traffic was stopped til I turned into the on-ramp, and by then it was almost too late. I wasn't the only one though. I heard plenty of brakes squealing, and a little ways up, I saw that 2 cars had pulled over to the side of the ramp because of a little rear-ending drama. Damn, that was a close one!
I am really grumpy today. Partly because I am so sleepy (due to my crappy ass neighbor), and that I am just feeling like crap. Ever since I got back from vacation, I have been getting headaches and the joint pain has been pretty bad too. I think I figured out why. It is from this crappy Bakersfield air. When I was in New Mexico at the cabin, the air was so clean. It was great. But then I get back to this brown, smoggy Bakersfield air, and my head suddenly feels like it wants to explode. Smog sucks. Sometimes I hate this place.
My mom called me over the weekend to say that my grandma's house had been sold. I didn't think it would sell so soon. I feel a little sad knowing that someone else will be living there. But I think my grandma's neighbors will be happy to see it not empty anymore.
The celebration of life in honor of my aunt Marge will be toward the end of August. I asked for 2 days off so I could go to it, but my boss said she would be out that week, but she would "see what she could do." Fuck. I will call in sick if they say I can't have the time off. It was my mom's sister for crying out loud. I wanna be there for her. Screw work. Just screw it.
Nevermind. My boss just told me that I can have those days off. Guess I was jumping the gun a little bit.
Just a little bit - hehe.
Yep, I am one Grumpy Gus today.
Another thing I hate is my next-door neighbor...the one who lives to my left (in other words, the one who is right next to my bedroom). His louder-than-loud music was blaring on his stereo til over 4 am on both Friday and Saturday nights. I could not sleep even with earplugs! I had to go out to my living room and crash on the couch, and even with earplugs and my bedroom door closed, I could still hear his crappy ass music. Ugh! And last night, I awoke at 3 am, only to hear the sound of his asshole voice screaming at someone in his apartment (maybe his girlfriend or his kid....I dunno - I could only hear his voice). I could even hear some of what he was saying (not that I WANTED to, but with a voice that loud, you can't avoid it). He kept saying...."Why do you have to keep going on and on and on?!" (I was thinking the same thing myself...about HIS mother-fucking ass). Someone please come over and just shoot him! PLEASE! God he sucks! I don't really hate people, but I could definitely see myself hating his lousy ass. Inconsiderate, rude, loud mother fucker! I didn't go back to sleep til after 4:30, then woke up again at 5:10, fell back asleep and woke up again at 6:30. Another night of little, lousy sleep. No wonder I am so grumpy!
This morning, on the way to work, I came thisclose to rear-ending a pickup in front of me, because the on-ramp to the 99 was backed up due to an accident just past Ming Ave. I couldn't see that traffic was stopped til I turned into the on-ramp, and by then it was almost too late. I wasn't the only one though. I heard plenty of brakes squealing, and a little ways up, I saw that 2 cars had pulled over to the side of the ramp because of a little rear-ending drama. Damn, that was a close one!
I am really grumpy today. Partly because I am so sleepy (due to my crappy ass neighbor), and that I am just feeling like crap. Ever since I got back from vacation, I have been getting headaches and the joint pain has been pretty bad too. I think I figured out why. It is from this crappy Bakersfield air. When I was in New Mexico at the cabin, the air was so clean. It was great. But then I get back to this brown, smoggy Bakersfield air, and my head suddenly feels like it wants to explode. Smog sucks. Sometimes I hate this place.
My mom called me over the weekend to say that my grandma's house had been sold. I didn't think it would sell so soon. I feel a little sad knowing that someone else will be living there. But I think my grandma's neighbors will be happy to see it not empty anymore.
The celebration of life in honor of my aunt Marge will be toward the end of August. I asked for 2 days off so I could go to it, but my boss said she would be out that week, but she would "see what she could do." Fuck. I will call in sick if they say I can't have the time off. It was my mom's sister for crying out loud. I wanna be there for her. Screw work. Just screw it.
Nevermind. My boss just told me that I can have those days off. Guess I was jumping the gun a little bit.
Just a little bit - hehe.
Yep, I am one Grumpy Gus today.
Random Fact of The Day
In West Virginia if you run over an animal, you can legally take it home and cook it for dinner.
Funny Stuff From Dave Barry
"In case you ever find yourself in a hostile situation or, God forbid, a Raiders home game, today I'm going to pass along the lessons I learned in Fright School, as recorded in my notes. My first note says, 'cargo pants,' because that's what the instructor was wearing. He was a muscular, military-looking British guy who was quite cheerful, considering that he ended roughly every fourth sentence with: 'And if THAT happens, you're going to die.' The instructor began by reviewing the various kinds of hostile situations we, as journalists, might encounter. The three main points I got from that were:
1. A lot of things can happen.
2. All of these can kill you.
3. So DON'T PANIC."
1. A lot of things can happen.
2. All of these can kill you.
3. So DON'T PANIC."
Stupid News Story of The Day
(Ozzy Osbourne, eat your heart out)
Man accused of biting off rooster's head
NEW YORK - A man accused of biting the head off his pet rooster was arrested Friday and faces up to a year in prison if convicted, an animal protection spokesman said.
A neighbor had complained about a dead rooster near his Manhattan apartment and agents found the body of the beheaded rooster on a fire escape, said Joe Pentangelo, spokesman for the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. The rooster's head was not located.
Humberto Rodriguez, 52, told agents that he bit the rooster's head off because he blamed it for injuring a pet pigeon that he also kept in the apartment, Pentangelo said.
Rodriguez is charged with animal cruelty and could face up to a year in prison if convicted. It is also illegal to possess a live rooster in New York City, Pentangelo said.
Pentangelo said Friday night he did not know whether Rodriguez had a lawyer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
My other blogs:
