Stupid News Story of The Day

(Talk about having a "God" complex.)

Pa. Man Signs His Name As 'God'

READING, Pa. - One registered Republican won't be able to vote in the next election unless he appears at a Berks County Elections Board to explain the signature on his registration form.

The man is registered as Paul S. Sewell, Elections Director Deborah M. Olivieri said, but his form is signed "God."

County Solicitor Alan S. Miller said Sewell claims his "God" signature is merely a legal mark like the "X" used by people who are illiterate.

Sewell, 40, said he will be happy to explain. As the owner of a bail enforcement agency, he finds fugitives, he said.

"Whenever I go to arrest somebody, they say, 'Oh, God, give me another chance. Oh, God, let me go. I'll turn myself in tomorrow,'" Sewell said.

He said he thinks his designated mark is legal. "PennDOT accepted it on my driver's license. I have a credit card with it," he said. "It shouldn't be a problem."

Ahhhh - Friday

Ahhhh....it is nice to have a Friday off. I slept in til like 9 am this morning, and I LIKED IT! It was great just to lie in bed and know you don't have to go to work.

I actually went to the Post Office today and mailed off Cyndi's package (yes, Cyndi, your Christmas present will FINALLY get to you - hehe). I also went to get my oil changed (ok, my car's oil changed, not mine). I had been lagging in that area, too. So, Cyndi, you weren't the only one getting neglected...my car was, too. lol. Everything went ok, but I was kinda peeved that they didn't call my name when my car was done. I was sitting there in the waiting room wondering just what the heck was taking so long, and I happened to get up and look out the window, and there was my car...just sitting there. Grrrr... I also ran into my parents at the car dealer, thus proving just how small a world it really is. They were there to ask about their car which they had to take in because the car had a leak in one of its hoses (don't ask me which hose - I know nothing more about cars than where to put the gas).

So, after going to the post office and to the car dealer, I drove down to the bagel shop to get me some bagels, but they were out the everything bagels, my favorites, so I was forced to get plain ones. I guess plain is better than none.

I had several instances of road rage today. It seems like everyone and their mother wanted to cut in front of me. This one dude decided to turn right in front of me, forcing me to slam on my brakes and to flip him off...hey, HE was the one who made me do it! Then I had some people who thought they were Speed Racer or something, doing like 65 in the city to get in front of me, only to have to stop at the red light anyway. They didn't even get a flip off from me...just a rolling of my eyes. What idiots.

On a sad note, my hamster, Squeakers, died today. She was old though. She had been getting slower and her hair was turning gray. Hamsters only live 2-3 years and I had had her for over 2 1/2 years, so I knew she was going to go soon. Still, I was sad. She was a good hamster, always friendly and affectionate. Lil Oreo is not as friendly as Squeakers was. She likes to nip at my fingers, not out of meanness though. She thinks they are food - lol. Hopefully, one day she will learn that my fingers are not food!

Rest in peace, Squeakers. Rest in peace.

Pet Peeves, American Idol and Pictures!

So, last night's American Idol took place in San Francisco. It was, as Randy put it, weird. There were some good performances. I liked the girl whose mom was a vocal coach. She had a great voice. But, there was the dude who was singing a Michael Jackson song which sounded nothing like the real song. I keep asking myself WHY? Why do these people think they sound good??? I don't know that answer. But I seriously hope these people go home and record themselves and listen to how badly they sing. Maybe then they will focus their attention on either getting vocal lessons or just turning to something else. I really think some of these people go on American Idol, knowing full well that they can't sing, intending to create some drama or maybe to hope they will be the next William Hung. Here's a tip for those people....stay home!

I still don't know why I am so addicted to this show. I think I have been brainwashed.
Simon was being an ass last night. He even got up and walked out, which was lucky for the last guy, because Simon would have undoubtedly said something way out of line to him (he was a terrible singer).

Anyway, it is Thursday and I am off tomorrow which means I get a 3-day weekend. Whoooopeeee! I have got to go to the post office tomorrow to mail Cyndi's package (yes, Cyndi, you will be getting your Christmas present before your birthday - LOL!) and I need to get the oil changed in my car, too. I still can sleep in though...and that is always a big plus.

Chris mentioned trying again to go to Big Sur this weekend and camping. I don't know though. I am not sure I am ready to go camping in the winter when the lows are in the low 40's and the highs are in the low 60's. It might be too brrrrr for me. But we'll see. I would LOVE to go there. The pictures I see of it are amazing. I hear there is lots of poison oak around there though....the thought of that makes me itchy!

I FINALLY posted all of my snow and Santa Barbara pictures on my Yahoo photo album and my pics from my Santa Barbara trip last weekend on my travel blog (click HERE to see). (yes, I know it is about time - I was sick on Monday - give me a break!)

On a completely unrelated note, I have a new pet peeve. You know when you are waiting for the elevator and have already pushed the button to call the car and the button lights up? Well, how come people who come to the elevator insist on pushing the button again after you have already pressed it? Do they honestly think the elevator is going to come quicker if you push the button again and again? The button has been pressed. The wheels have been set in motion. Let it be, people. Let it be. I think I know how to press a button....grrrrrrrrr.

Well, I better get back to work. My 9:30 interview is late...hmmmmm...I hate when they are late. It backs up my whole schedule....grrrrr.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Go to one of the websites devoted to birthday planning, where moms report, in detail, the deranged lengths to which they have gone to stage birthday parties for small children. They sound like this: 'Our theme for Meghan's third birthday was 'The Enchanted Fairy Forest.' To create a 'forest' in the family room, I made full-size 'trees' out of fiberglass, which I painted brown and festooned with 17,000 'leaves' I cut by hand from green felt, accented with live squirrels that I caught using a galvanized-steel trap baited with Peter Pan creamy peanut butter. For the 'forest floor,' I brought in 4 tons of mulch with a Lawn Boy yard tractor. For the 'sky,' I used the actual sky, which was visible because I removed the ceiling and roof with a chain saw, which is when my husband, Ed, left me, but the overall effect was well worth it.' You think I'm exaggerating, but that's only because you haven't browsed birthdaypartyideas.com."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Here's a tip...don't advertise that you are doing something illegal.)

Alleged Crack Dealer Uses Business Cards

LEAVENWORTH, Kan. - The business cards got a response, but surely not what their owner had in mind when he had them printed up.

They came to the attention of Leavenworth police, who used them to make a drug arrest last week.

Sylvester J. Williams, 21, of Leavenworth, was charged Monday with possessing crack cocaine with the intent to sell it, Maj. Patrick Kitchens of the Leavenworth Police Department said.

Kitchens said Williams remained in custody Wednesday on $75,000 bond.

He said police had heard for some time that Williams had been selling drugs in the area. "Then we heard that he was handing out business cards," the officer said. "In the course of our investigation we were fortunate to come up with one, and we gave him a call."

Kitchens said the business card had an image of what appeared to be an alarm clock being hit by a boxing glove and said: "For a quick hit on time call the boss."

"When he answered, we agreed to buy some crack from him, we went up there, and we arrested him," Kitchens said.

The arrest was made Friday.

"It makes our job considerably easier when they advertise and let us know where to get ahold of them," Kitchens said.

___

Information from: The Kansas City Star, http://www.kansascity.com

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for yourremote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector stripsinto peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter somethingabout "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Rhonette, Hot Tamales and road raging...

I think it is safe to take out my earplugs now. Last night's episode of American Idol is over, yet it is still ringing in my head. There were some good performances...the National Guard man who did "Let's Get It On" and danced with Paula was pretty good, as were the blond girl whose mom left when she was 2 and is now living with her grandfather and the girl who lived in 42 foster homes over her life...they were great. But that last chick, Rhonette (I will never forget her name) was terrible! Then she had the audacity to blast all the judges for giving her the boot. Hell, if I had been there, I woulda kicked her ass. First off, she dresses like Lil Kim (looked like her, too, kind of) and expects people to respect her. I kept waiting for her top to fall down. That thing looked like it was holding on for dear life. Next, she storms off cussing like a little kid. Yeah, that's the way to get some respect. NOT!

Then there were the unintentionally comedic performances. Like that skinny white Michael Jackson wannabe and that dude who supposedly used Randy and Paula's American Idol DVD to learn how to sing ...oh my gosh. If that is what listening to that DVD does to you, then keep it far away from me! Then there was that dude that Simon said looked like The Incredible Hulk's wife...and you know what??? HE DID!!!! I was laughing my ass off! Simon may be harsh, but goshdarnit, it is the truth.

Anyway, I finally put my Christmas tree and decorations away. Finally. It only took me a month - lol. Yes, I am that lazy. I like putting decorations up...I just hate taking them down. My living room looks so bare without my tree in there...poor room.

On a side note, aren't crossing guards supposed to be outside helping kids to cross the street in the morning? That is what I always thought they were supposed to do. Well, then how come I never see this crossing guard near my house actually outside? I always see him inside his car, even when there are kids around. Hmmm.....Could he be slacking? I think so.

I love Hot Tamales...No, there's no point to this...just thought I would let everyone know.

I had a road raging incident this morning...yes, I am back to my old self. I was driving down the road, minding my own business, when this asshole comes out of nowhere and cuts me off. Apparently, he was in the far left lane then suddenly decided that he wanted to turn right, so he cuts across the lanes and right in front of me. And no, there was no one behind me. He could have easily pulled in behind me, but NOOOO. He had to choose to cut in front of me, almost giving me a heart attack. GRRRRR!! I honked my horn at him and flipped him the bird. I hope he gets a speeding ticket someday...I hope.

I got a phone call from my next client saying he was gonna be late. That is why I had time to blog this morning. He should be here soon, so I gots to go back to work.

Ain't work a bitch?

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Our birthday party theme for this year's party is 'The Little Mermaid.' My wife was happy about this until she found out that another girl in our daughter's preschool class is having a birthday party two months before our daughter's, and her theme is ALSO 'The Little Mermaid.' It's the kind of nightmare you think always happens to other people, but never to you. The other girl's parents are very nice people, but because they used my wife's theme, she views them as the enemy. She fears that their party will be better than ours, and these fears worsened when we got to the enemy house and discovered that the enemy mom had used a professional party planner, who had not only done serious undersea decorations involving gauze, but had also provided, for entertainment, a mermaid, a pirate, AND a sea goddess. ' A sea goddess!' my wife said, and the despair in her voice was real."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(In times like this, you can depend on Depends.)

A really, really no-frills ride...

BEIJING (Reuters) - Migrant workers in south China are wearing adult diapers on packed trains heading home for the Lunar New Year holiday because they have no access to a toilet, state media said Tuesday.

About 120 million peasants from China's vast rural areas swarm the cities for work and all try to make it home for the holiday, filling all standing room on trains and making access to the toilet impossible during trips often lasting 24 hours or more.

"During the peak travel period last year, some passengers even became deranged on their journeys because of the conditions and jumped out of the carriages," the China Daily said.

The Lunar New Year, which this year starts on January 29, is the biggest holiday in the Chinese-speaking world and family reunions prompt arguably the biggest movement of humanity on Earth.

Many supermarkets in southern Foshan had reported a 50 percent increase in sales of adult diapers for the train trips, the China Daily said in what some local commentators called the "shame of the nation." It did not mention other cities.

Domestic media said railways in China had transported 3.8 million people alone Monday, an all-time high.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Things would be different if dads planned birthday parties. First off, the party would be about a month after the child's actual birthday, which is when dad would remember it. Dad's party theme would be "delivery pizza," which would also serve as the cake, the craft project, and the party favor. The entertainment would be pulling dad's finger: The kids would have just as much fun at this party as the one Mom would plan."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(He should have tried drinking a glass of water instead.)

Hiccups lead to two shooting deaths in Colombia

BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) - A Colombian man accidentally shot his nephew to death while trying to cure his hiccups by pointing a revolver at him to scare him, police in the Caribbean port city of Barranquilla said on Tuesday.

After shooting 21-year-old university student David Galvan in the neck, his uncle, Rafael Vargas, 35, was so distraught he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide, police said.

The incident took place on Sunday night while the two were having drinks with neighbours.

Galvan started to hiccup and Vargas, who works as a security guard, said he would use the home remedy for hiccups of scaring him. He pulled out his gun, pointed it at Galvan and it accidentally went off, witnesses told local television.

"They were drinking but they were aware of what was going on," one witness said.

Get down with the sickness

I hate being sick.

I hate it with a passion that cannot be sated. I really do. There is just no fun in being hot and sweaty on minute and then so cold that your teeth are chattering the next. I was freakin' sick yesterday, so I stayed home from work. No sense in spreading my germs around to other people. I couldn't have even lasted for more than 15 minutes at work anyway. But, I will spare you the nasty details of my bout with the flu. You can thank me later.

For me, being sick is a personal thing. I don't like people to see me all hunched over the toilet, sweating and coughing and all that jazz. I mean, how embarassing! I like to be left alone. I don't want people waiting on me or hanging around and asking how I feel. Not that I don't appreciate people for keeping me in their thoughts or anything. I just don't like people making a big fuss over me. I like to be sick alone. But yesterday, I almost caved in and called my mom to bring me some 7-Up. I was thisclose to doing it, but I relented. I ended up putting on some sweats, putting my hair up in a ponytail and put some sunglasses on and went to Vons to get me some myself.

I know. I am an idiot.

I just knew that if I had called my mom, she would be calling me like every hour to see how I was doing. Not that that is a bad thing. I was just tired and wanted to sleep. And I know my mom gets worried and there is no sense in making her worry when it was just a 24 hour bug.
Still, I appreciate people who will take the time out of their day to lend a hand when needed, and I know my mom is one of those people. Both my parents are. You can always rely on them in a pinch. And I am very grateful for that.

I know, I took a walk on the sappy side today, but I am still feeling a little weak and blah, so cut me some slack, Jack. I will be back to my usual cranky, road-raging, bitchy state soon.

I promise.

Get down with the sickness

I hate being sick.

I hate it with a passion that cannot be sated. I really do. There is just no fun in being hot and sweaty on minute and then so cold that your teeth are chattering the next. I was freakin' sick yesterday, so I stayed home from work. No sense in spreading my germs around to other people. I couldn't have even lasted for more than 15 minutes at work anyway. But, I will spare you the nasty details of my bout with the flu. You can thank me later.

For me, being sick is a personal thing. I don't like people to see me all hunched over the toilet, sweating and coughing and all that jazz. I mean, how embarassing! I like to be left alone. I don't want people waiting on me or hanging around and asking how I feel. Not that I don't appreciate people for keeping me in their thoughts or anything. I just don't like people making a big fuss over me. I like to be sick alone. But yesterday, I almost caved in and called my mom to bring me some 7-Up. I was thisclose to doing it, but I relented. I ended up putting on some sweats, putting my hair up in a ponytail and put some sunglasses on and went to Vons to get me some myself.

I know. I am an idiot.

I just knew that if I had called my mom, she would be calling me like every hour to see how I was doing. Not that that is a bad thing. I was just tired and wanted to sleep. And I know my mom gets worried and there is no sense in making her worry when it was just a 24 hour bug.
Still, I appreciate people who will take the time out of their day to lend a hand when needed, and I know my mom is one of those people. Both my parents are. You can always rely on them in a pinch. And I am very grateful for that.

I know, I took a walk on the sappy side today, but I am still feeling a little weak and blah, so cut me some slack, Jack. I will be back to my usual cranky, road-raging, bitchy state soon.

I promise.

Get down with the sickness

I hate being sick.

I hate it with a passion that cannot be sated. I really do. There is just no fun in being hot and sweaty on minute and then so cold that your teeth are chattering the next. I was freakin' sick yesterday, so I stayed home from work. No sense in spreading my germs around to other people. I couldn't have even lasted for more than 15 minutes at work anyway. But, I will spare you the nasty details of my bout with the flu. You can thank me later.

For me, being sick is a personal thing. I don't like people to see me all hunched over the toilet, sweating and coughing and all that jazz. I mean, how embarassing! I like to be left alone. I don't want people waiting on me or hanging around and asking how I feel. Not that I don't appreciate people for keeping me in their thoughts or anything. I just don't like people making a big fuss over me. I like to be sick alone. But yesterday, I almost caved in and called my mom to bring me some 7-Up. I was thisclose to doing it, but I relented. I ended up putting on some sweats, putting my hair up in a ponytail and put some sunglasses on and went to Vons to get me some myself.

I know. I am an idiot.

I just knew that if I had called my mom, she would be calling me like every hour to see how I was doing. Not that that is a bad thing. I was just tired and wanted to sleep. And I know my mom gets worried and there is no sense in making her worry when it was just a 24 hour bug.
Still, I appreciate people who will take the time out of their day to lend a hand when needed, and I know my mom is one of those people. Both my parents are. You can always rely on them in a pinch. And I am very grateful for that.

I know, I took a walk on the sappy side today, but I am still feeling a little weak and blah, so cut me some slack, Jack. I will be back to my usual cranky, road-raging, bitchy state soon.

I promise.