Hehehe

Dear Friends & Loved Ones,

I wish to express my thanks to all those who have forwarded me informative e-mails in hopes of making my life better. Especially to the person who sent me the one about rats in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. I guess it’s not so bad to have the towel around though, so I can also clean the rat turds and Herpes off of all my canned goods and sodas.

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. You have made me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer, as does sugar, Nutrasweet, saccharin, Equal, Splenda, salt and anything else that might actually make food taste good. Damn those cancerous lab rats! And damn the guy who tested the Saran Wrap on them!

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or pump my own gas because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. That probably won’t matter since I drank a can of Tab today when I didn’t have my towel.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume or cologne sample and rob me. It sucks not getting to see those girls make the lemonade at Hot Dog on a Stick. I am no longer worried about receiving a letter with Anthrax because the chances of that happening are slim. It is far more important to refuse packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

“But you can’t take our Freedom!” I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. This has been tough for me since I now have no place to buy CD’s, DVD’s, plants, clothes, vacuum cleaners, sporks, shiny gift wrap, shoes, or bulk granola bars.

Speaking of the French, I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. Which is sad because it might be that Martin Sheen recording calling to tell me how he thinks I should vote in the next election. The fact that he plays the President on TV gives me the utmost confidence in his selections for my ballot.

I no longer visit Las Vegas because what happens there stays there, including my kidneys in a bucket of ice. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers, or at McDonald’s because, though their chickens aren’t mutants, the McNuggets are made with chicken heads, or at Wendy’s because someone lost a digit in the Chilli, or at Jack In The Box because one of their locations once had a roach, or at Burger King because that costumed King character is actually a demonic, soul possessing representation of Lord Beelzebub, AKA Satan. I typically just don’t eat now.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I will not buy gasoline from Exxon, Shell, Mobile, or BP on December 25th, 2005 in a massive group attempt to cripple the overcharging gas conglomerates who run our daily lives. I have also stopped using other gas and petroleum-based products like Vasoline, plastic and heat.

I no longer need a high speed connection since nothing can surpass the video you sent me of the guy who crapped on a glass plate and the reporter who stood to close the yellow line on the tarmac. And thanks for the Halloween e-card where you carve the pumpkin until it dies with a nails on chalkboard scream in a bloody mess. I think my grandma got a kick out of it. At least that’s what the coroner thought.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. It’s good to make my own cookies since I hear that Famous Amos is secretly run by the Ku Klux Klan in an attempt to not only financially kill the black community, but to slowly poison black people and any of their foolish white supporters that would eat anything with a black man’s face on it.

Thanks to you, I no longer worry about my soul because I have 777 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Which is strange since I am not Catholic and I thought that God only answered my prayers if I forwarded an e-mail to seven of my friends and made a wish within five minutes. But I wonder if that means I can eat Burger King again? Regardless, I am guaranteed a spot in heaven since I purchased 11 nails that were actually used during the filming of The Passion of The Christ, from that email you sent me.

I also no longer go to sleep, because Freddie might get me. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital of a terminal disease that only needs a few more dollars from me before they can find the cure and save her precious life. It’s so nice of that guy in Guam to personally accept and distribute the funds. I am sure that I have saved like 73 lives already this week. Not to mention that, for 30 thousand pennies a day I have been able to save dozens of poor starving children and help them learn to read… the Bible. Too bad I have no money left, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail survey program.

Too bad, I will no longer accept US currency because if you fold it just right you can see the Twin Towers burning and the Pentagon on fire which surely means that the magnetic strip in new money is being used by terrorists to track my every move so that their missiles can home right in on me personally.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 300 loved ones who have helped your life with their forwards in the next 180 seconds, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 one-humped camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump of your own. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's. See attached file WORMKLEZ-H.EXE for proof. Have a good day!!!”