nah nah nah....Love Stinks..

In all my life, I never thought love could cause so much sadness, but I have found out otherwise. And it is not such a BAD thing that it causes sadness. I mean, sometimes things your family or friends say or do can cause you sadness, but you love them anyway, and keep on loving them. It is the bad things in life that happen that make you appreciate just how wonderful the good things are. I just never thought I could get so downright depressed over a measly 4-letter word! I hate seeing commercials of these happy couples holding hands....expecially at Christmas time...and doubly so during PMS, which I will from now on refer to as the "period of temporary insanity." I mean, it is not bad that people are happy, even in commercial land. It is just the fact that I don't have a person to hold my hand that really gets to me. I don't even know what is wrong with me half of the time. I go from being in a nice, calm state of mind in one moment, to bursting out into tears the next moment. Sometimes I do feel like I am losing my mind. It is just SO hard to be so completely in love with someone and not know how he feels about you. I mean, yes, it would completely crush me to know he didn't love me anymore, but then I would at least have an answer and could go about with my life from that point on. I have never been good with words. And even worse at confrontations. And yet even worse at feeling like I could potentially hurt someone's feelings. Gosh, I HATE that. I could not stand to hurt someone else. I just can't do that. Even if it means keeping all the bad, insanity-invoking stuff inside til it drives me mad. At least the only person getting hurt is me that way. And yes, there is that deep seeded fear of rejection. That voice inside your head that screams "I'm not good enough." Or "I'm too ugly for him. No wonder he doesn't love me." Or "What did I do to make him stop loving me? And can I fix it?" These are questions I am sure many people have asked themselves at one point...well, except for the "ugly" one....that one is one of my personal self-torments. It's not that I consider myself ugly exactly....just not attractive. I mean, I have never been flat-out told that I was ugly or unattractive...I just FEEL that way most of the time, and it is a hard thought to live with sometimes.

I just miss the physical aspects of a relationship.......SO much. And I am not talking about sex. I am talking about hugs and kisses and holding hands. I am talking about having someone to pat you on the back when you did a good job, or having someone to come home to at night. Someone to laugh with. Someone to hold you and comfort you when you have had a bad day. Or someone to just hold your hand when you are scared. Those tender touches that you long to feel, and miss more than anything. That is the "physical" I am talking about. That is what I miss so incredibly much. Being without that is what makes me cry myself to sleep at night. And knowing that when I am sad I will have no one there to comfort me, just makes me even sadder. And it is that fear that your feelings won't be returned that keeps you from flat out asking the person how he/she feels about you. Just like TS Eliot's Prufrock asks himself, "would it have been worth it after all," if he asks the object of his affection if she loves him back, and she says "that is not what I meant at all." How crushed he must have felt. Sometimes I feel just like Prufrock, who is not confident about himself and does not consider himself to be attractive. In fact, that is my favorite poem because I can completely relate to everything about it.

But, and this is a big BUT, love is also a wonderful, incredible thing. It is what fills you with exhilaration whenever the phone rings, wondering if it is that special someone calling you. It is that feeling of indescribable happiness that comes over you when you just hear his/her name. It is the butterflies that fill your insides when you see his/her face. It is a completely wonderful, amazing, incredible phenomenon that I can't even begin to properly define. I don't think it can really be defined in words alone, in fact. It is nothing short of a miracle.

And after the day is done, and after all the tears have been shed, I have no regrets. The only thing I have is a puzzle with one missing piece, and I hope that my special someone will come to me someday with that missing piece and make the puzzle complete.