Do you love me...now that I can dance...

Watch me now...

I didn't get my first real kiss til I was 19. Yeah, 19. Alot of people have had their first sexual encounter by then, but not me. I always had this dreamer's notion that a kiss should be from someone special. It should be like in the movies and sweep you off of your feet. And, yes, my first kiss did sweep me off of my feet, and it made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman on earth....for a moment. Then reality came crashing down a few months later when that relationship soured, and it made me realize that love doesn't come without a price, and one perfect kiss does not always lead to "happily ever after." That, my friends, only happens to Cinderella and Snow White.
Ever since I was a teenager, I have been so afraid of showing others how I felt. I was so scared that if I let my true feelings out, that my friends would laugh at me or get angry with me, or, worse, get hurt by something I said. I was also very afraid of being betrayed by something I said.For example, when I was in seventh grade, I told my friend that I liked this boy named Billy. She said she would keep it a secret. Well, you can imagine the horror I felt when I came to homeroom the next day and saw, in huge bold letters on the chalkboard, "Kim loves Billy." I wanted to just die! You would think I would learn after one time, but no. It happened again in my freshman year in high school, when I had this crush on a boy named Dustin. I told my friend that I thought he was cute, and the next thing I knew, the whole school knew how I felt. Again, I was so humilitated that I wanted to run away back to the safety of my home.
I guess it is because of these things that I am so introverted and unable to express my deep down feelings. Now, I have absolutely no trouble voicing my opinion on a subject such as abortion or the death penalty. I could debate for hours on stuff like that. I guess it is because I have no attachment to those subjects personally. They are abstracts, not living , breathing beings. You can't look at a death penalty in the face and talk to it, because it is a concept, not a human being. It is a lot harder to look at someone and tell them how you really feel. And I think it is because we, as people, generally have a need to be wanted and loved. And if we are pushed away or rejected, it hurts a lot because that need is not being met, and we end up wondering what it is about us that the other person doesn't like. At least it is that way for me.
Yes, I have been rejected before. And I suppose most people have at some point in their lives. It is not unusual. It is part of life. Granted it is not a part of life that we go out and celebrate (unless you got a divorce from an axe murderer...I say that is cause to celebrate). Rejection and abandonment are very painful things to go through. But everyone must go through them. Some people get through it just fine and move on. Others, like me, wallow in misery and wonder WHY we weren't good enough.
I have this deep-rooted fear of abandonment, and I can't quite put my finger on as to why I have this fear. I can easily say I have a fear of heights because of an incident that happened on a ferris wheel when I was a kid, or that I am afraid of big dogs because I was chased and bitten by one once. But this other fear, I can't explain. I suppose a shrink would say that because I am adopted I subconsciously have a fear of abandonment, but I have never, ever felt abandoned because of that. In fact, I really feel quite lucky to have been picked by two great parents. I guess I am just afraid that I will end up all alone someday, regretting never having voiced how I felt down deep inside...always wondering "what if?"
And isn't that a fear we all have down deep inside? Don't we as human beings have a need to be close with other people? Don't we all have a need to be loved and accepted? I suppose some people won't own up to it, but I believe that we do. I will be up front and say that I NEED to love...I NEED to be loved...I NEED to feel loved...I NEED to feel wanted. I need.
So is it better to live your life without telling people how you feel, thereby negating any possiblity of being rejected or abandoned? Or is it better to tell people how you feel and chance the possibility of being rejected and perhaps humiliated? I wouldn't know. I have never gotten up enough courage to express myself to anyone. It is easy to live your life taking no risks, but by doing that, you are also denying your chance at happiness. And if you take risks, you take a chance at utter and total humiliation in order to have a chance at happiness. It seems I have come to a crossroads here. I give my utmost respect and admiration for those who dare to express themselves. As for me, "Do I dare disturb the universe?"... Naw...I think I will leave it undisturbed for a while yet.