Love Stinks...part deux

Love stinks, or at least that is what the J. Geils Band was saying in their song of the same name. I have come to find that they were right. Love does stink. After many years of being in love with the same man, I have finally given up on him, and it sucks....and it hurts...and it makes me mad...all at the same time. No wonder there are so many movies and songs about love and love lost. It is a rich topic on which you can expand into infinity if you want to, because love takes so many twists and turns and throws you into so many different directions and releases so many emotions in a person that the possibilities are endless.

Granted, I did love him, and I still do. I don't know. It is so hard to have to think about starting over with someone new after all of the things we shared together... all the stories we shared, and all the pain and struggles we went through together, and all of the happiness and laughter that bonded us together. I can't imagine wanting to share those things with someone else. And I certainly can't imagine him sharing those things with someone else either. Part of me does not want to let go of him....to keep giving him another chance. That is what my mind is telling me. But my heart is telling me to let go, because I deserve more than what he can give me.

Then again, I keep wondering what it is that I did to make him stop feeling for me. I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. Was I not funny or smart enough for him? Did I not show him I loved him enough? Or is he just not attracted to me anymore? I wish I knew. I wish to God I knew, so that way, I would not make the same mistake again. He keeps telling me that his life is "complicated." Well, who's life isn't ?! I mean, my life, though not full of drama, is not all that easy either. I have bills to pay, pain to deal with, stress and all of this anxiety and depression I have been going through. And then there are the health issues, and the day to day inner turmoil that goes on in my mind. And then there is my issue with self esteem and worthiness. Sometimes, it is too much to bear. And now this. The thing is, that he would never disclose what exactly consititutes "complicated." Complicated can mean alot of different things. To me, it sounds like a cop out excuse, but that is just because he won't talk to me to tell me what he means.

Ok, I am not gonna lie and say that he was some kind of jerk or something. I may be upset, but I am not gonna lie. The truth is, that he is the most decent, funny, sweet, smart, handsome, caring, and utterly adorable man I have ever met. He is the only man I ever loved. Maybe the only man I ever will love in my life. He made me feel so special and so comfortable and safe. I shared so much with him. I opened up to him more than I have ever opened up to anyone in my life. I never knew I could feel that way for a person until I met him. I guess that is what makes losing him so completely unbearable. I don't know what I am going to do without him in my life. I can't imagine being that close and intimate with anyone else. I guess it will get easier with time. At least that is what they say.

After all is said and done, I don't have any regrets about falling in love with him. If there are any regrets, they would be that I said some hurtful and mean things to him, which I wish I could take back. People say mean things when they are hurt, much like a snake bites when it feels threatened. I am not saying that that is an excuse or anything, but we all get defensive sometimes. Tennyson said"it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." But I bet that he said that only after the wounds have healed, because right now, I am not too sure about that Tennyson guy.

Anyway, there it is. I guess it is time to start all over. But not yet. I don't want to think about men just right now. I am not going to go out there looking for a "replacement," because no one could ever take his place in my heart. I just figure, whatever happens, happens. But I am not going on a "man hunt." That would be stupid, and totally not my style. And my heart just isn't in it. I will just be me, and let the world happen around me....for now.

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure
Love Stinks
(J Geils Band ... "Love Stinks")