My crazy trip home

I posted this on my Myspace blog, too, but thought it was so funny that I had to post it here too. hehehe. I am such a dorkball!


I went to the beach over the weekend. I had a good time, even though it was foggy. I am the kind of person who could have fun just about anywhere I go, no matter if it is rain or shine. The trip over there went just peachy, but the trip home....well it was one to remember, for sure. I am a total gooberhead. Let's just start with that. It is a well-known fact that I am a klutz and I have no sense of direction. I am a klutzy, brainless gooberhead. There...I think that about sums it up. If you can think of any other words that can describe me, well let me know and I will make a list.

Well, I started back from Santa Maria a little before 9 pm. I decided that I was hungry and wanted some fries from Micky D's and a soda. Gotta keep myself caffeinated for the 2 hour trip home. And I hadn't eaten since like 2 pm, so I was hungry.Had I known, however, that it was gonna take 3 hours to get home instead of the normal 2, I might not have opted for that soda. But I digress.

I got to Mickey D's, knowing that there was one a little ways down the road. All was fine and dandy at that point. But I apparently missed my turn to get onto the street that leads to the freeway and ended up taking a long-ass detour down a side street that seemed to have no end. Oh, but it did have an end...a dead end. #%^*@! Sooooo, I had to turn around and go allllll the way back. Contrary to popular belief, not all roads lead to the freeway. Whoever tells you that is full of crap! Smack anyone who tells you that and tell them that it was from me!

So, after much driving around, I FINALLY got to the freeway, and I figured then that the worst was behind me. Boy was I ever wrong about that (let me just tell you that it was about 9:45 when I finally got onto the freeway). So, I was driving along down the 166 and up ahead in the distance, I saw the shimmering taillights of a pickup, and guess what....he was going about 35 mph. UGH! 35! What is that all about? And at every curve in the road, he would slow down to like 20 mph. Freakin' a! I was so pissed because it was a solid double line for miles at that point in the road, and with all the curves and up-and-down hills, I would not have been able to pass him anyway had I been a lawbreaker and passed over the solid double lines. So, here I was, already off schedule and stuck behind a slow-ass turtle...and then it starts to rain. Now, let me back up for a minute and tell you that one of my wiper blades is jacked up. In the Bakersfield summer, wiper blades don't last long. The sun dries them up and deteriorates them pretty fast, so I hadn't replaced it yet. After all, it hasn't rained in a while in town, and by the time I would actually get to use them, they would have probably been all messed up again. Besides, when I last looked at the weather forecast on Friday, nowhere, I repeat NOWHERE in the forecast did it say "rain." Had it called for rain, I would have replaced the thing. Must be nice to have a job like predicting the weather where you are allowed to be wrong all of the time and still be able to keep your job....but I digress....again.

So here I was, stuck going 35 mph, in the rain, and with one working wiper blade. Yeah. Things are going just SWELL here. Then I see lightning. Now, either the turtle in front of me going 35 mph has never seen lightning before, or maybe he is just really scared of it, but at the moment the lightning streaked across the sky, the guy swerves into the shoulder and nearly goes up the side of the hill. Once he regains control, he slows down even more. UGH!!!!!!!!! Fucking lightning! Fucking turtle! Fucking Mickey D's!!! Finally, up ahead, I see a glimmer of hope...the end of the solid double lines! YES!!!!

I speed up and pass mr turtle who had taken up so much of my time, and cruise for the rest of the way at a nice 70 mph. And I don't even slow down around the curves. Curves can kiss my sweet ass! And as soon as that slow ass fuckhead who slowed me down is out of the view of my rear-view mirror, I let out a shout of joy and turn up the radio. Smooth sailing for the rest of the way. Or at least to Cuyama.

Around the time I reached Cuyama, which is still about 60 miles from home, I got stuck behind another turtle, who I not-so-fondly began refering to as "assholio." Assholio was going about 40 mph. Granted, he was towing a trailer, so I was not pissed about that. What pissed me off so much about assholio, was that he would speed up whenever a broken line came into view. He would speed up to about 65-70 and then slow back down to 40 mph when the no passing zone was back in effect. Asshole!!! I started singing my "asshole song" (which goes, "assholes, assholes, mother fucking assholes. Assholes, assholes, beat them, YES!"), which is reserved for only the truest and most aggravating assholes. And yes, there are degrees of asshole-idity. This guy was at maybe the 4th degree on the scale from 1 to 5, with 5th being the supreme asshole. Finally, a passing lane came up, and I was able to zoom past assholio and leave him and his asshole trailer in my dust. Aggravated, I most definitely was, I and continued to sing my asshole song for a few more miles. I find it has a calming effect on me and helps to avoid road rage, or at least to bring it down to a tolerable level.

So with both assholio and the turtle both behind me, I continued on my adventure home, and it was already past 11 pm by this time. I would have been home already had it not been for those 2! @#$%!!!!! I was already in a bad mood, so I thought maybe I should avoid the freeway, so I decided to take Old River Road instead of taking the 166 to the 99 like I usually do. Brilliant idea! HA! Let me digress once more and just say that at any time when I say "I have a great idea," please, PLEASE just say NO! PLEASE! My great ideas have a way of being .... not so great, to put it nicely.

So, here comes the turn off for Old River Road. I have taken this road many times before, but not in the dark. Things have a way of looking different in the dark, as I have come to find....the hard way. So I am driving along, singing to the radio, trying to stay awake because for all intensive purposes, I should have been in bed by now, when I come to a crossroad. So, without a thought in my head, I make a left, unaware at the time that I should have made a right. La la la....driving along....la la la....wtf? 2 dairies??? Where the hell am I? CRAPOLA! I should have turned right! DAMNIT! Yes, those were the words that were coming out of my mouth ...along with a few more choice 4-letter words and probably some that have not been invented yet. I think at this point, I was speaking in tongues. Freakin' a! I had to turn around and go back the way I came. At this point, I was exhausted. I was all turned around, it was dark, I was sleepy, and there was nothing on the radio worth listening to, there were no asshole drivers to flip off or yell at. And, to top it all off, it stunk! Literally, it stunk like cow poop. So, I came to a road that I recognized....Buena Vista Road. AH HA! I know this road....or so I thought. I drive down the road and it freakin' dead ends. OMG! ARGHHH!!! This is just wrong! Where am I??????? So I turn around and drive back down the road, and then 2 dogs jump out and I nearly hit them. I am wide awake now. That was close. I wait for my heart to start again, then I continue driving.
I finally see the freeway entrance. Thank the lord. Granted, it is the I-5 entrance, but I know I can get the Taft exit and get to Panama Lane that way. So I drive and drive, feeling a little relieved that I am somewhere familiar now, and very embarassed that I got so lost, and in much need to a toilet. I had to pee like there was no tomorrow! Up ahead I see the Old River Road exit, and decide to live dangerously and take that. Again past the railroad tracks and the smelly dairy, but this time I make a right where I made the left the time before, and I make it home. FINALLY! Let that be a lesson to me. Never take a side road when the freeway is right ahead...and next time, I am gonna forget about the damned fries, and especially the soda. My bladder was screaming to me by the time I got in my door.

Oh well, at least I can laugh about it now. And I am sure most people who are reading this are laughing at me too. - lol