Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Among the specific threats we discussed in Fright School were 'dirty bombs,' germ warfare, mines, and booby traps. Because we took only the truncated one-day version of the course, the instructor couldn't go deeply into these threats, other than to note that they aren't all fatal. (He also pointed out that his company had the world's foremost authority on booby traps, and 'he does a presentation that is quite entertaining.') The most sensible way to avoid these threats, according to the instructor, is to remain alert, use common sense, be inconspicuous, and avoid dangerous areas, such as the planet Earth. He also recommended that we carry the following items at all times: water, food, protective eyewear, protective headgear, an 'escape hood' for gas attacks, a whistle, a personal alarm, and a first-aid kit. He didn't say how you could look inconspicuous while carrying all these items: Maybe you could put them in your cargo pants and just pretend to have enormous thighs."