"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.."~ Diana Jordan.
"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." ~Matt Groening.
"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who." ~Joan Rivers.
"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven." ~Joan Rivers.
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." ~ Steven Wright
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." ~George Carlin.
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"~Paul Merton.
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." ~Dave Edison.
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." ~Steven Wright.
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. " ~ Douglas Adams
"I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far." ~Steven Wright
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. " ~ Unknown
"The whole world is our dining room, but be careful: it is also our garbage can." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
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