Thoughts on a Sunday Night

"Love is not love which alters, when it alteration finds."

Shakespeare had a good idea here, but unfortunately it is not always the case, even though it should be. People should love each other for who they are and not want to change anything about each other. Yet, in the past, it seemed like I always ended up with the wrong man...the man who wanted me to be who he wanted me to be. And it always made me feel less than a person. To be told that you are not pretty enough or smart enough, well it always made me feel like such a loser. I had no self esteem. I was always sad. I was just miserable.

I dated a very handsome, older man in college. He was what, on first sight, you would think was the perfect guy....tall, blonde hair, blue eyes...gorgeous. But beauty truly is only skin deep, and I found this out the hard way. He was my first real boyfriend, and he turned out to be mean, and I ended up being afraid of him. He hurt me physically and emotionally, to the point where I felt I could never trust anyone ever again, but I am not going to go into details. It is just too painful. But I can say that he made me feel less than dirt sometimes, and those feelings stayed with me, because they are rooted deep inside of me.

It took me a long time to learn to deal with all the bad things that happened to me in the past. It took me a long time to put those things behind me and bury them down in a deep hole to where they could never bother me again. I tried to do that, but they still haunt me sometimes.

I still feel like I am a loser sometimes. I get shy and feel awkward around people. I feel like people are looking at me and thinking, "Oh my gosh. She is stupid!" When you are told something over and over again for long enough, you start to believe it, and maybe, sometimes, I still believe it. Sometimes I look at myself and think, "How could anyone ever love me? What could I possibly offer someone?" Sometimes, I don't even know. But, luckily, that is only sometimes.

I thought at one time that I had found the perfect man. A man who would love me no matter what. But it turned out that he didn't love me after all, and that hurt me probably even more than my college boyfriend hurt me, because I really did love him.

Sometimes I get confused about who I am and who I want to be. But I suppose everyone does that once in a while. I used to have such high ambitions. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a veterinarian...then I wanted to be a wildlife photographer... then I wanted to be a doctor... oh the dreams we had when we were kids. I have such respect and admiration for those people who grew up to be who they dreamt of being, or at least attempted it.

Nowadays, I just dream of one day being married to the man I love and having a family with him. I dream of loving deeply and of being loved deeply. I dream of sunny mornings and starry nights. I dream of summer picnics and winter nights by the fireplace. I dream of the fairytale happy ending. I dream of walks along the beach or hikes in the woods. I dream endlessly.

And maybe those are simple dreams, but then again, I am just a simple kind of girl. I am not fancy. I am not about champagne and caviar. I am more of a hamburger and soda kind of girl.

I know those things should not bug me anymore. But sometimes they do. Sometimes I will be going along in life all happy, then it will all come crashing down on me at once. Sometimes, dreams will do that to you.

Last night I had a dream where I was locked in a cage and being forced to watch this television set that kept flashing words on the screen like, "Loser," "Idiot," "Stupid", etc. I felt like I was in that "A Clockwork Orange" movie. It wasn't really a scary dream, but it did bring back old memories of a bad past relationship...a really bad one, and brought back all of those insecurities that have haunted me all of these years.

I hope someday I can have good dreams again. Seems like nowadays I have only disturbing dreams. Sometimes I wish I didn't dream at all.

I suppose someday that everything will be alright. But it just seems like "alright" is so far away. Everyone around me is happy and getting married and having kids, and sometimes I want nothing more than to have what they have. Sometimes I even get jealous of them, but at the same time, I can't be anything but happy for them. They are my friends and I want nothing but the best for them.

(don't worry about this post....I was just getting some stuff off of my chest. I know Arlene will probably think I am going crazy. lol... so don't worry!)