Santa Claus...man or myth....or our parents?

Christmas time during childhood was great. There was a Santa Claus who came to bring you presents when you were good, or put a lump of coal in your stocking if you were bad. I, personally, never got a lump of coal in my stocking, even though I know I was not a good girl all year long. That should have been my first clue to knowing that there was no Santa Claus. It is pretty amazing to what great lengths parents will go to to keep you believing in Santa, too. I mean as a kid, my mom would take me to the window at night and point out to me a red flashing light and tell me that that was Rudolph, so I had better get to bed. Of course, it was just a passing airplane. It is rather convenient that Rudolph had a red flashing nose, and flying planes have red flashing lights. I wonder if Rudolph or the airplane came first...I guess I will have to look that up. Of course, this was just a way for our parents to get us to go to bed early. I guess they had to have that one day out of the year when we would actually listen and go to bed, or else Santa would pass up our house! Pretty sneaky of our parents, isn't it. I would always bake cookies, with my mom's help of course, and leave the cookies and some milk for Santa to snack on during his long journey. And in the morning, of course, the milk and cookies were, amazingly enough, all gone! Even though kids tend to take things at face value and will believe pretty much anything the adults tell them, I should have been smart enough to know that no one, no matter how fast, could possibly travel to every house in the entire world in one night. And I must have been pretty gullible to believe that Santa could fit himself and that big bag of presents down a chimney. I mean, when I was a kid, we didn't even have a chimney, which was a source of worry for me, but only at Christmas time. But our parents kept the "Santa" presents hidden in some secret compartment in the house, which, even after I found out that there was no Santa, I never found. And I should have wondered how Santa could be in every shopping mall that I went to. The man was fast, but how could anyone be everywhere at the same time? My mom and dad just told me that those were Santa "impersonators" who Santa hired to help him out. I was in second grade when I found out that Santa Claus was not real, and that it was our parents, in fact, who were the real Santa impersonators. Still, even after the big secret was let out and my childhood beliefs in Santa , the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were crushed, Christmas still remained a time of happiness and surprise for me. I always liked to decorate and to bake goodies for others, and I still do. I love to buy gifts and pick out funny and cute Christmas cards for my family and friends. And I love to watch my friends open their presents and see the look of surprise on their faces. Santa may not be real, but he sure did provide a source of wonder and awe for us as children while we still believed. And though we were most definitely mad at our parents for telling us there was a Santa, we will too, no doubt, tell our children about Santa Claus and keep the Santa lie going for yet another generation. But that is ok, because I don't think Christmas would have been the same without him.

It's all about me!

I have been told that I am a hard person to get to know, because I keep alot of things inside, and because I am not a very open person. And being such, I have decided to share a few things ...40 to be exact...with you about me that you may not (or may) know:

1) I bite my lower lip when I get nervous or am stressed.
2) I was a virgin til I was 26 years old.
3) I graduated from high school at the top of my class.
4) I am adopted.
5) I didn't get my first real kiss til I was 19.
6) My favorite color is green.
7) My favorite book is "Catch-22" by Joseph Heller.
8) My favorite author is Kurt Vonnegut.
9) My favorite guilty pleasure is watching really cheesy horror movies.
10) I secretly love to watch reruns of "Dawson's Creek."
11) My favorite band is Buffalo Tom....favorite song, "Taillights Fade" also by Buffalo Tom.
12) My favorite movie of all time is "Dr Strangelove"
13) I secretly like to listen to classical music. Mozart rocks! lol
14) I almost flunked Algebra I. I got a D-
15) I am obsessively compulsive when it comes to my front door and my curling irons. I can't go to sleep without making sure the door is locked, and I can't leave the house without first making sure my curling iron is unplugged.
16) My favorite TV show is "Joan of Arcadia"
17) I am allergic to walnuts.
18) I sleep-walk.
19) When I was a kid, I used to have an invisible friend named "Dora."
20) My middle name is Lynn.
21) I am allergic to cats.
22) My biggest turn-on is the smell of a man's cologne...any cologne!
23) I love teddy bears. They are so cute!
24) I used to collect model horses. I still have them...over 400 of them.
25) When I was a kid, my favorite movie was "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." I knew all the songs and would put on my own Sgt Pepper "show" and sing for an audience of stuffed animals.
26) I never had a pet when I was a kid.
27) I am deathly afraid of heights.
28) I am also terribly afraid of failure.
29) I have a BA and I double-majored in Art and English.
30) I would love to someday become a songwriter and/or playwright.
31) My fingers are double-jointed.
32) When I was in high school, I was called "Forehead" because I had no bangs.
33) I didn't cut my hair all throughout grammar school up until my junior year in high school.
34) I have difficulty trusting people.
35) I have difficulty expressing to people how I feel.
36) I have fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis and/or lupus. The doctor still doesn't know exactly what is wrong with me.
37) I would love to have breast reduction surgery (if I could afford it!)
38) I would love to be an actress or be in a play or something.
39) I taught myself to play the piano and the guitar.
40) I had my first boyfriend when I was a sophomore in high school and his name was Juston Smith.

Ok - so there are 40 things about me that now you know. I guess it is a start .

Random musing for the day...

....If common sense is so common, then why do so few people have it?


It is almost like an oxymoron..."common" and "sense" ... they don't really go together, do they? I just find it so strange when someone does something stupid, then another person says, "Common sense should have told you not to do that." Well if common sense is indeed, common, as the saying goes, then it would not be in such short supply. And why is it that only when a person does something WRONG, that the term "common sense" comes into play? I don't think I have ever heard a person congratulate someone for using their common sense. You see, when a person does something right or good or particularly clever, they are congratulated for using their brain or their head, or they are told, "good thinking!" It is almost like common sense has come to have a negative connotation, because you are always hearing it in a negative context...."You have no common sense.".... "Common sense should have told you that that was wrong!" ... "Didn't you use any common sense before you tried to do that?"... and so on and so forth. So much for common sense. Maybe they should just drop the "common" right off of it and refer to it as just plain "sense" from now on. Now, that would make more sense!

nah nah nah....Love Stinks..

In all my life, I never thought love could cause so much sadness, but I have found out otherwise. And it is not such a BAD thing that it causes sadness. I mean, sometimes things your family or friends say or do can cause you sadness, but you love them anyway, and keep on loving them. It is the bad things in life that happen that make you appreciate just how wonderful the good things are. I just never thought I could get so downright depressed over a measly 4-letter word! I hate seeing commercials of these happy couples holding hands....expecially at Christmas time...and doubly so during PMS, which I will from now on refer to as the "period of temporary insanity." I mean, it is not bad that people are happy, even in commercial land. It is just the fact that I don't have a person to hold my hand that really gets to me. I don't even know what is wrong with me half of the time. I go from being in a nice, calm state of mind in one moment, to bursting out into tears the next moment. Sometimes I do feel like I am losing my mind. It is just SO hard to be so completely in love with someone and not know how he feels about you. I mean, yes, it would completely crush me to know he didn't love me anymore, but then I would at least have an answer and could go about with my life from that point on. I have never been good with words. And even worse at confrontations. And yet even worse at feeling like I could potentially hurt someone's feelings. Gosh, I HATE that. I could not stand to hurt someone else. I just can't do that. Even if it means keeping all the bad, insanity-invoking stuff inside til it drives me mad. At least the only person getting hurt is me that way. And yes, there is that deep seeded fear of rejection. That voice inside your head that screams "I'm not good enough." Or "I'm too ugly for him. No wonder he doesn't love me." Or "What did I do to make him stop loving me? And can I fix it?" These are questions I am sure many people have asked themselves at one point...well, except for the "ugly" one....that one is one of my personal self-torments. It's not that I consider myself ugly exactly....just not attractive. I mean, I have never been flat-out told that I was ugly or unattractive...I just FEEL that way most of the time, and it is a hard thought to live with sometimes.

I just miss the physical aspects of a relationship.......SO much. And I am not talking about sex. I am talking about hugs and kisses and holding hands. I am talking about having someone to pat you on the back when you did a good job, or having someone to come home to at night. Someone to laugh with. Someone to hold you and comfort you when you have had a bad day. Or someone to just hold your hand when you are scared. Those tender touches that you long to feel, and miss more than anything. That is the "physical" I am talking about. That is what I miss so incredibly much. Being without that is what makes me cry myself to sleep at night. And knowing that when I am sad I will have no one there to comfort me, just makes me even sadder. And it is that fear that your feelings won't be returned that keeps you from flat out asking the person how he/she feels about you. Just like TS Eliot's Prufrock asks himself, "would it have been worth it after all," if he asks the object of his affection if she loves him back, and she says "that is not what I meant at all." How crushed he must have felt. Sometimes I feel just like Prufrock, who is not confident about himself and does not consider himself to be attractive. In fact, that is my favorite poem because I can completely relate to everything about it.

But, and this is a big BUT, love is also a wonderful, incredible thing. It is what fills you with exhilaration whenever the phone rings, wondering if it is that special someone calling you. It is that feeling of indescribable happiness that comes over you when you just hear his/her name. It is the butterflies that fill your insides when you see his/her face. It is a completely wonderful, amazing, incredible phenomenon that I can't even begin to properly define. I don't think it can really be defined in words alone, in fact. It is nothing short of a miracle.

And after the day is done, and after all the tears have been shed, I have no regrets. The only thing I have is a puzzle with one missing piece, and I hope that my special someone will come to me someday with that missing piece and make the puzzle complete.

Roger and Kay....together at last.

Have you ever seen those commercials on tv for Kay's..."Ev'ry kiss begins with Kay"....or those commercials for Roger's, who claim that "When you think love, you think Roger's"? I wanna know who are the ad wizards that came up with that crap! First of all, the only way ev'ry kiss would begin with Kay, is if you are a guy and are involved with a woman named Kay. And the only time you think love and think Roger's is if you are a woman and you are involved with a man named Roger. Don't you think it is just a little bit arrogant to think that your jewelry is so special that the word "love" has come to mean your company's name? The last time I looked in a dictionary, the word "love" was defined as "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness." I didn't see "Roger's" anywhere in the definition of "love." It is so apparent at Christmastime, and around Valentine's, that these jewelry companies go out of their way to make people feel either bad about themselves for not getting jewelry, or bad about themselves for not being able to give it. It is especially hard on the men, who undoubtedly feel pressured by these places to give their significant others some $500 piece of jewelry. It even gives them the impression that we, women, NEED some fancy-schmancy piece of jewelry to make us happy. Not only do the jewelry companies hurt men's pride, but they also make us women out to be these greedy b*tches who won't be satisfied with anything under a certain price tag. That is so unfair...to both of us! I, personally, would be perfectly happy with something from Wal-Mart! In fact, I would be proud of my man if he bought me a Wal Mart ring, cuz then I would know that he really knows me. Heck, I would be happy with a ring from a box of Crackerjack's at this rate - lol. But I digress. Christmas is commercial, but jewelry stores are commercialism at its worst. You can't commercialize love. I am sorry, but love doesn't come with a price tag. Love is something that comes from within. And it certainly does not come in a box from Roger's.

Festive Fishes
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Oh Christmas tree...oh Christmas tree...
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The Joys of Apartment Life

Ok, so apartment life is not THAT bad. There are worse things that living in an apartment....a root canal, being stuck in Los Angeles traffic, having pneumonia....yeah, those are definitely worse. But living in a small, little place where you can't paint the walls or change that uglier-than-sin carpet is not so great either. For one thing, you usually get stuck living next to the noisiest person in the world, who has no concept of volume control and has completely forgotten the fact that MOST people, contrary to his/her belief, do not like to listen to extremely loud spanish music, and especially not at 2 am. I have had 2 such neighbors in these last few years I have lived here. The one who lives next to me actually has toned his act down considerably....probably due to the fact that people have complained about him to the manager (no, it wasn't me!). The one who now lives below me likes to turn his spanish music on full blast at 7 am and 2 am...whichever he feels like doing. I guess he doesn't have to work in the morning or something...unlike me. And not only is the music extremely loud, but it also makes my floor vibrate. Now normally, things that vibrate are good. But not in this case. It would be so nice if people could be just a little considerate, but then, I think that would be asking too much! The next thing that bugs me about apartment living is the parking. Now we are all designated a parking spot that has our apartment number right above the spot. But, inevitably whenever someone new moves in, they end up having friends over and they don't inform them that they cannot park in OUR spots. The last thing I wanna do when I get home from work is to see a car parked in my spot, which of course, SHOULD be empty, since I am the only one who is supposed to park there. Oh, and then there are the cars who have those alarms on them that go off ALL night long....like now! I can hear someone's alarm going off. It is the second time tonite that it has gone off. But I digress. Also, the walls in this apartment are very thin, and people often forget this. You would be surprised at what kind of things you can hear through the walls! I guess what really bugs me the most, is the fact that I live alone, and it gets pretty lonely sometimes....and scary even. I mean, the other day I knocked the lamp off the ceiling and it hit me on the back of the head. I am surprised I didn't give myself a concussion! (those who know me, know I am a klutz, and weren't at all surprised when I told them this story) I could just imagine having something heavier hitting me and knocking me out and me just laying on the floor for hours until I woke up....IF I woke up at all. I have also nearly choked on a crouton (don't ask) and could just imagine if I had choked to death in my apartment and no one even knowing I was missing.I can see the headline now...."Death by crouton. Story at 11." You see those shows on tv where people smell something nasty coming from a house or apartment and then come to find that the person who lived in the smelly apartment (or house) had been dead for days...weeks even. As morbid as that sounds, it is something I have thought about, especially after that near-crouton-choking incident. It would be nice to have someone there when I had a nightmare (as I often have) or when I have one of those freaky-scary low blood sugar attacks. It would just be nice to be able to come home from work and have someone there to massage my feet. That is all I want in life. Someone who loves me enough to massage my stinky feet. Well, it is almost 2 am, and no sign of my neighbor's music tonite. Thank goodness for small miracles. I better get some sleep before he wakes up and turns it on...

Internet perverts tick me off!

Ok, what I want to know is WHY do guys feel it is necessary to bother me while I am online, with a stupid instant message like, "Hey baby, wanna see my cam?" or "I'm naked and horny. Talk to me." Makes me wanna gag. I don't have anything on my profile advertising that I would want to see that kind of crap. I mean, not EVERYONE in the world is a pervert. Why would ANYONE want to see that? What is the point? So what if the guy is naked.....everyone is naked at some point during the day! I mean, people have to shower! I get on my computer to play games or do crosswords or do a project or write here in my Blog.....NOT to be harassed by stupid guys (and girls!) who want to be all perverted. Get a life ! I bet their mother's are REALLY proud of them, all naked and doing gosh knows what else on a web cam. And then when I tell them I don't wanna see them, they have the nerve to tell me I am a prude, or I must be frigid, or I must not like sex....or whatever other kind of insult they can come up with. I think it really bothers them to be rejected or something. Frankly, I am NOT a prude or frigid, and I am not a sex hater. I am just normal (well as normal as a person can be). And if that is a sin, then let me go straight to hell.

A few words about PMS

Men are lucky. They don't have to deal with the whole PMS thing like we women do. Ok....they indirectly have to deal with it, I will give that to them. But dealing with it on a personal, emotional and physical level, well, just sucks. And it doesn't just suck....it sucks big, hairy donkey balls (that is my new catch phrase of the moment). I mean it is not just the nastiness which is tampons and maxi pads...it is a whole 'nother ball game. First, there is the bloating, which makes putting on shoes and pants a challenge. And it is just darned uncomfortable, too. It is feeling like you have gas and are going to explode at any moment. Does that sound fun??And then there are the cramps. I have RA (or lupus....whatever the doctor decides...but that is another story!) and fibromyalgia, and having to deal with pain on a daily basis is just a part of life for me. But to ADD to that pain is just plain wrong! Oh yeah, you can take Midol or other pain relievers to "get rid" of the pain...and I say "get rid" because they NEVER completely get rid of the pain. And of course the pain usually extends to your back, which just makes sitting up so incredibly cumfy (haha). Oh and then there is the emotional side of PMS....the side that makes me cry every time I see some commercial for the SPCA with the little kittens who need a good home...or those St Jude ads...or sometimes, when I am especially emotional, ANY commercial with a baby in it will start up the tears.And the reverse often happens too. I mean there are times during PMS when I just want to flat out whack that danged driver who just took my parking spot, or lay the smack down on that person who just took the last package of Oreos! And it is not because I am insane....or maybe I am. Maybe PMS is just a nice term for temporary insanity. And all of this stuff happens BEFORE the actual "M" happens. And all of it continues until the cycle is over. So, basically, a good (or bad) 10 days out of the month I am "temporarily insane." And men wonder why we are so tempermental! Good lord! If they REALLY knew what goes on in our minds when our hormones are totally out of whack, they would understand and maybe show us a little smidgen of sympathy. So, with that thought in mind, I am gonna go lie down with a bowl of Oreos and watch a sad movie.....lol.

All I want for Christmas is......

1) A hug from someone who loves me.
2) Some pain medicine that actually works!
3) A pair of fuzzy slippers to keep my feet warm.
4) A diamond ring ( ha ha - thought I'd put that in there for a humor effect)
5) A big teddy bear.
6) Another hug.
7) Maybe a kiss too.
8) Someone to hold me when I am cold.
9) No more pain!
10) A white chocolate mocha from Starbucks.

Men Suck because....

1) They NEVER call.
2) They cannot say the dreaded "L" word.
3) A romantic evening is easily spoiled by 3 words..."Bears vs. Cowboys"
4) They cannot understand why we women need an hour to shop for shoes.
5) When they get grey hairs, they look distinguished. When we women get them, we just look old.
6) Commitment? What is that? And why do you need it?
7) They never send you a birthday, Christmas, or any kind of holiday card. Or a present for that matter.
8) They never send you flowers unless they are in trouble.
9) It takes them just 5 minutes to get ready and look great, whereas it takes us women hours.
10) It takes them years to decide whether or not they love you, but only minutes to decide if they want to sleep with you.

Bah Humbug

It doesn't take much observation to see that Christmas is just around the corner. The freeways are getting busier, people are getting ruder, and it is becoming increasingly difficlut to find a parking spot in parking lots. You can tell why I almost hate this time of year. Never have I seen a picture of a Santa Claus with a frown on his face....he is always smiling, cuz he is a jolly sort of person. So what turns people into monsters in what is supposed to be a jolly, happy season? I am still trying to figure that one out myself. Maybe it is that quest for the perfect toy. You know, the one parents try to get for their kids, but not for the kids really, but so the kids can brag to the other kids about how THEIR mom or dad got them the new super powered, interchangeable, laser equipped, spaceship/range rover...or whatever the latest craze is. The whole season has become so commercial that people forget what the holiday was made for in the first place. The holiday, to me, is about celebrating love and family, and nowhere into that equation does that require me to go out into a crowded mall to fight over some stupid toy. I mean presents are nice. And there is nothing wrong with wanting a certain something for Christmas. But I have been witness to people who get something for Christmas and are so ungrateful for what they got that it just sickens me. It is the thought that counts after all (unless you get polyester pants, which in case, you may complain and return to your heart's content!) I am not really into getting presents as much as I am into giving presents. It is just a "me" thing. I love to go shopping and find that perfect little something for the people I care about. Not something big, expensive and trendy... but something small and meaningful, that really shows I put alot of thought into instead of a lot of money. I think those are the best kinds of gifts. I never complain about not getting presents, because I figure if I don't get anything, then I must have been bad in the first place to not have gotten anything (LOL). Personally, I would be happy with just a Christmas card! And even then, I don't always get that, which, to be honest, does hurt my feelings a little. And then I can't help but to feel sad for the people who have no family and no friends, and who have to spend the holidays alone. I am thankful that I have my family and friends to spend my holidays with. But then, I do get lonely when I see all these happy couples walking around, holding hands and kissing under the mistletoe. This time of year always depresses me, and it makes me understand how so many people can get depressed around this time of year. I just want a happy Christmas, even if I have no significant other around to share it with. The happiest Christmas I can imagine, in my present state (lol), would be one where people are courteous and kind, the streets are traffic-free, and parking spaces are abundant....and maybe a little less "It's A Wonderful Life" on tv. But that is never gonna happen, so I will just grin and bear it, and have as good a time as I can have this holiday season.

My current hamster, Squeakers - say cheese!
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My last hamster, Honey Bear - may she rest in peace
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a candle I drew in High School... which was over 10 years ago ! man, I am old!
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another cute horse
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another drawing
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A purty horse I drew
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my best friend's little pumpkin
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