Do you love me...now that I can dance...

Watch me now...

I didn't get my first real kiss til I was 19. Yeah, 19. Alot of people have had their first sexual encounter by then, but not me. I always had this dreamer's notion that a kiss should be from someone special. It should be like in the movies and sweep you off of your feet. And, yes, my first kiss did sweep me off of my feet, and it made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman on earth....for a moment. Then reality came crashing down a few months later when that relationship soured, and it made me realize that love doesn't come without a price, and one perfect kiss does not always lead to "happily ever after." That, my friends, only happens to Cinderella and Snow White.
Ever since I was a teenager, I have been so afraid of showing others how I felt. I was so scared that if I let my true feelings out, that my friends would laugh at me or get angry with me, or, worse, get hurt by something I said. I was also very afraid of being betrayed by something I said.For example, when I was in seventh grade, I told my friend that I liked this boy named Billy. She said she would keep it a secret. Well, you can imagine the horror I felt when I came to homeroom the next day and saw, in huge bold letters on the chalkboard, "Kim loves Billy." I wanted to just die! You would think I would learn after one time, but no. It happened again in my freshman year in high school, when I had this crush on a boy named Dustin. I told my friend that I thought he was cute, and the next thing I knew, the whole school knew how I felt. Again, I was so humilitated that I wanted to run away back to the safety of my home.
I guess it is because of these things that I am so introverted and unable to express my deep down feelings. Now, I have absolutely no trouble voicing my opinion on a subject such as abortion or the death penalty. I could debate for hours on stuff like that. I guess it is because I have no attachment to those subjects personally. They are abstracts, not living , breathing beings. You can't look at a death penalty in the face and talk to it, because it is a concept, not a human being. It is a lot harder to look at someone and tell them how you really feel. And I think it is because we, as people, generally have a need to be wanted and loved. And if we are pushed away or rejected, it hurts a lot because that need is not being met, and we end up wondering what it is about us that the other person doesn't like. At least it is that way for me.
Yes, I have been rejected before. And I suppose most people have at some point in their lives. It is not unusual. It is part of life. Granted it is not a part of life that we go out and celebrate (unless you got a divorce from an axe murderer...I say that is cause to celebrate). Rejection and abandonment are very painful things to go through. But everyone must go through them. Some people get through it just fine and move on. Others, like me, wallow in misery and wonder WHY we weren't good enough.
I have this deep-rooted fear of abandonment, and I can't quite put my finger on as to why I have this fear. I can easily say I have a fear of heights because of an incident that happened on a ferris wheel when I was a kid, or that I am afraid of big dogs because I was chased and bitten by one once. But this other fear, I can't explain. I suppose a shrink would say that because I am adopted I subconsciously have a fear of abandonment, but I have never, ever felt abandoned because of that. In fact, I really feel quite lucky to have been picked by two great parents. I guess I am just afraid that I will end up all alone someday, regretting never having voiced how I felt down deep inside...always wondering "what if?"
And isn't that a fear we all have down deep inside? Don't we as human beings have a need to be close with other people? Don't we all have a need to be loved and accepted? I suppose some people won't own up to it, but I believe that we do. I will be up front and say that I NEED to love...I NEED to be loved...I NEED to feel loved...I NEED to feel wanted. I need.
So is it better to live your life without telling people how you feel, thereby negating any possiblity of being rejected or abandoned? Or is it better to tell people how you feel and chance the possibility of being rejected and perhaps humiliated? I wouldn't know. I have never gotten up enough courage to express myself to anyone. It is easy to live your life taking no risks, but by doing that, you are also denying your chance at happiness. And if you take risks, you take a chance at utter and total humiliation in order to have a chance at happiness. It seems I have come to a crossroads here. I give my utmost respect and admiration for those who dare to express themselves. As for me, "Do I dare disturb the universe?"... Naw...I think I will leave it undisturbed for a while yet.

Don't Touch This !

Ok....let me start off by saying that fibromyalgia SUCKS ASS ! Sorry, but there is no eloquent way to put it. I could think of a few more 4-letter words to stick in there, but I will refrain from doing so...for now. Today has been one of the worse days. I knew it was going to be a bad day from the moment I got out of bed. I could not sleep last nite, so I woke up all groggy and feeling downright bad. But I really knew today was going to be an "F" day ("f" is for fibromyalgia, by the way), when I lightly bumped my arm up against the wall, and it hurt like someone had just poked me with a hot poker. There really is no way to explain the pain, unless you have it yourself. It is a dull, throbbing, sometimes heated pain that seems to radiate throughout your body. I get fatigued very quickly and generally just feel like crud throughout the day. The cold is like murder to me....even the feel of a cold draft can cause intense pain. It is almost like a knife going through my body...not that I have ever had a knife go through my body...I can only imagine that that is what it feels like. I often get cranky, and people don't really know WHY I am so cranky. Well, let me just tell you that it is due to lack of sleep and pain. Sometimes just a friendly hug or pat on the back can send me to painsville. And I never want to say anything to people about it, for fear of hurting their feelings. Even just the feel of my shirt on my skin is painful at times. Now, the doctor says this a typical symptom of the big F, and he, of course, prescribed pain killers and even prozac to help with the pain and to help me sleep. I also have rheumatoid arthritis and/or lupus...the doctor isn't quite sure which one I have yet. I have been going to a rheumatologist for about 2 years now, and they still don't know what is wrong with me, only that I am borderline anemic and have something in my body that is causing inflammation....a great deal of inflammation. So, for now, I will have to do my best to muddle through the bad days and make sure the good days are as good as I can make them, for they are few and far between.

I am addicted to this game Collapse...check out my high score, 1,406,616. I rock at Collapse!!! he he
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A Christmas Song

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas (my version)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Ev'rywhere you go,
Take a look at the shopping mall, shoppers wall to wall,
With long, long lines and people rude as hell.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Toys in all the stores,
And the people scream and fight, over the very last Lite Brite,
Is this what Christmas is for??

A game of Monopoly and a doll that cries and pees,
Is the wish of Cindy and Sue.
A Play Station 2 and a pair of new shoes,
Is the hope of Bill and Ted.
But mom and dad are hopping mad cuz their kids have all been bad.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Ev'rywhere you go.
There's homeless guy on the street, and ev'ryone he meets,
Walks on by without blinking an eye.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Soon the sales will start,
So you better be prepared to pull out all your hair,
After a day at Wal-Mart.

12/14/04

The Love Song of C. Brown

Here is an excerpt from my favorite poem of all time, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"


And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep . . . tired . . . or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet - and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it towards some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all"-
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all."

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor -
And this, and so much more? -
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
"That is not it at all, That is not what I meant, at all."

What TS Eliot was saying in the above excerpt from his poem, can basically be summed up in the following quote from Charlie Brown:

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." - Charles Schultz (Charlie Brown in Peanuts)

A few years ago it SNOWED, yes snowed, in Bakersfield, CA...and it hasn't snowed since.
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I decided to take one of those "personality tests" online. Here is what mine came up with.....not completely accurate, but most of it is surprisingly true!


Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.Generated on Mon Dec 13 23:20:37 2004.

Your Existing Situation
Working to create for herself a firm foundation on which to erect a secure, comfortable, and problem-free future, in which she will be granted respect and recognition.
(I want a problem-free future? Even I am not that much of a dreamer! lol)

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled expectations have led to uncertainly and an apprehensive watchfulness. Badly needs to feel secure and protected against further disappointment, being passed over, or losing standing and prestige. Doubtful that things will be any better in the future, but inclined nevertheless to make exaggerated demands or reject compromise.
(pretty much right on the mark)

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being.
(very true)

Your Desired Objective
Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a situation of idealized harmony. Has an imperative need for tenderness and affection. Susceptible to anything esthetic.
(this one is right on the mark!)

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.
(hmmm.... kind of true)

Your Actual Problem #2
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.
(personal charm?? I wasn't aware I had any of that! )
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For the most part, things were on the mark. But I think these things are more for entertainment value than anything else. They are fun to take, and sometimes they yield surprisingly accurate results. Pretty interesting.

Bad Aries
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Good Aries
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The Evil Tower of Death...aka...The Supreme Scream

There is nothing in the world that scares me more than being way up high. And nothing in the world scares me more than that than being way up high in the open with nothing below my feet but air ...that feeling that you are going to plunge to certain death at any moment. It is a feeling that makes me start to breathe faster and makes my heart start pounding in my chest until I feel like I will surely pass out from fright. And that is what I feel like BEFORE I even go up. That is how I felt when I was standing on the ground looking 250-some-odd-feet up into the air up at the ride I was standing in line to ride...the Supreme Scream at Knott's Berry Farm..or as I have fondly come to call it, "The Evil Tower of Death." I was ready to supremely scream before I even got on the ride. I was standing in line, nearly hyperventilating at the very idea of getting strapped into what I considered to be certain death. And if the ride itself didn't kill me, I was surely going to have a heart attack just waiting in line to ride! My hands got clammy, my heart felt like it was in my throat and I could barely breathe. And when it came time to get on the ride, I wanted to cry. I wanted to turn around and run like a little baby away from the tower of death. I really felt like I was surely going to die at any moment. I could not make sure enough that the ride constraints were tightened tight enough. I pushed and pulled at them making sure that they were not going to budge. With my hands clasped as tight around the bars as I could, my friend Veronica (who I had probably by this time scared into a stupor with all of my hyperventilating and all), and I ascended the 250+ foot tower of death. It felt like it took an eternity. My eyes closed tight and my hands wrapped around the bars, I could feel the wind blowing around me. It seemed to make the tower move, but I imagine that was only in my mind. I was even a bit concerned that my shoes would fall off from the sheer force of the drop. And just when I thought we were at the top of the ride, I opened my eyes, only to find, much to my horror, that we were only about halfway up. At this point I was nearly in a panic, and I was thinking to myself that I should have kept my feet on the ground and never have done this. I shut my eyes back tight and clasped my hands tighter...so tight that I felt like they became part of the bars themselves. Then the dreaded moment came....the moment where we stopped, and then I knew that at any second, the ride would drop and I would die. Only me though. I was sure I, and only I, was going to die. We sat there, 250 feet off of the safety of the earth, gravity seeming to want to pull us back to the ground. I almost felt like I was in a sort of tug-of-war between the gravity and the evil tower of death, and no side was winning. After what seemed like an eternity, gravity finally won, and we plummeted back to earth at what felt like 1000 miles an hour...my stomach in my throat, my heart pounding, wind blowing against my body, and me wanting to scream, but having no breath to do so. And just when it felt like we were at the bottom at last, we were hurled about halfway back up that tower of death and were flung back down to earth....then up again once more and back down. And finally, at last, I was able to breathe again, and know that I was going to live to see another day. With as much dignity as I could muster after having had blubbered all the way up the tower, I climbed off the ride, legs trembling and body shaking, heart racing and wondered when I was going to be able to do that again!

Santa Claus...man or myth....or our parents?

Christmas time during childhood was great. There was a Santa Claus who came to bring you presents when you were good, or put a lump of coal in your stocking if you were bad. I, personally, never got a lump of coal in my stocking, even though I know I was not a good girl all year long. That should have been my first clue to knowing that there was no Santa Claus. It is pretty amazing to what great lengths parents will go to to keep you believing in Santa, too. I mean as a kid, my mom would take me to the window at night and point out to me a red flashing light and tell me that that was Rudolph, so I had better get to bed. Of course, it was just a passing airplane. It is rather convenient that Rudolph had a red flashing nose, and flying planes have red flashing lights. I wonder if Rudolph or the airplane came first...I guess I will have to look that up. Of course, this was just a way for our parents to get us to go to bed early. I guess they had to have that one day out of the year when we would actually listen and go to bed, or else Santa would pass up our house! Pretty sneaky of our parents, isn't it. I would always bake cookies, with my mom's help of course, and leave the cookies and some milk for Santa to snack on during his long journey. And in the morning, of course, the milk and cookies were, amazingly enough, all gone! Even though kids tend to take things at face value and will believe pretty much anything the adults tell them, I should have been smart enough to know that no one, no matter how fast, could possibly travel to every house in the entire world in one night. And I must have been pretty gullible to believe that Santa could fit himself and that big bag of presents down a chimney. I mean, when I was a kid, we didn't even have a chimney, which was a source of worry for me, but only at Christmas time. But our parents kept the "Santa" presents hidden in some secret compartment in the house, which, even after I found out that there was no Santa, I never found. And I should have wondered how Santa could be in every shopping mall that I went to. The man was fast, but how could anyone be everywhere at the same time? My mom and dad just told me that those were Santa "impersonators" who Santa hired to help him out. I was in second grade when I found out that Santa Claus was not real, and that it was our parents, in fact, who were the real Santa impersonators. Still, even after the big secret was let out and my childhood beliefs in Santa , the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were crushed, Christmas still remained a time of happiness and surprise for me. I always liked to decorate and to bake goodies for others, and I still do. I love to buy gifts and pick out funny and cute Christmas cards for my family and friends. And I love to watch my friends open their presents and see the look of surprise on their faces. Santa may not be real, but he sure did provide a source of wonder and awe for us as children while we still believed. And though we were most definitely mad at our parents for telling us there was a Santa, we will too, no doubt, tell our children about Santa Claus and keep the Santa lie going for yet another generation. But that is ok, because I don't think Christmas would have been the same without him.

It's all about me!

I have been told that I am a hard person to get to know, because I keep alot of things inside, and because I am not a very open person. And being such, I have decided to share a few things ...40 to be exact...with you about me that you may not (or may) know:

1) I bite my lower lip when I get nervous or am stressed.
2) I was a virgin til I was 26 years old.
3) I graduated from high school at the top of my class.
4) I am adopted.
5) I didn't get my first real kiss til I was 19.
6) My favorite color is green.
7) My favorite book is "Catch-22" by Joseph Heller.
8) My favorite author is Kurt Vonnegut.
9) My favorite guilty pleasure is watching really cheesy horror movies.
10) I secretly love to watch reruns of "Dawson's Creek."
11) My favorite band is Buffalo Tom....favorite song, "Taillights Fade" also by Buffalo Tom.
12) My favorite movie of all time is "Dr Strangelove"
13) I secretly like to listen to classical music. Mozart rocks! lol
14) I almost flunked Algebra I. I got a D-
15) I am obsessively compulsive when it comes to my front door and my curling irons. I can't go to sleep without making sure the door is locked, and I can't leave the house without first making sure my curling iron is unplugged.
16) My favorite TV show is "Joan of Arcadia"
17) I am allergic to walnuts.
18) I sleep-walk.
19) When I was a kid, I used to have an invisible friend named "Dora."
20) My middle name is Lynn.
21) I am allergic to cats.
22) My biggest turn-on is the smell of a man's cologne...any cologne!
23) I love teddy bears. They are so cute!
24) I used to collect model horses. I still have them...over 400 of them.
25) When I was a kid, my favorite movie was "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." I knew all the songs and would put on my own Sgt Pepper "show" and sing for an audience of stuffed animals.
26) I never had a pet when I was a kid.
27) I am deathly afraid of heights.
28) I am also terribly afraid of failure.
29) I have a BA and I double-majored in Art and English.
30) I would love to someday become a songwriter and/or playwright.
31) My fingers are double-jointed.
32) When I was in high school, I was called "Forehead" because I had no bangs.
33) I didn't cut my hair all throughout grammar school up until my junior year in high school.
34) I have difficulty trusting people.
35) I have difficulty expressing to people how I feel.
36) I have fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis and/or lupus. The doctor still doesn't know exactly what is wrong with me.
37) I would love to have breast reduction surgery (if I could afford it!)
38) I would love to be an actress or be in a play or something.
39) I taught myself to play the piano and the guitar.
40) I had my first boyfriend when I was a sophomore in high school and his name was Juston Smith.

Ok - so there are 40 things about me that now you know. I guess it is a start .

Random musing for the day...

....If common sense is so common, then why do so few people have it?


It is almost like an oxymoron..."common" and "sense" ... they don't really go together, do they? I just find it so strange when someone does something stupid, then another person says, "Common sense should have told you not to do that." Well if common sense is indeed, common, as the saying goes, then it would not be in such short supply. And why is it that only when a person does something WRONG, that the term "common sense" comes into play? I don't think I have ever heard a person congratulate someone for using their common sense. You see, when a person does something right or good or particularly clever, they are congratulated for using their brain or their head, or they are told, "good thinking!" It is almost like common sense has come to have a negative connotation, because you are always hearing it in a negative context...."You have no common sense.".... "Common sense should have told you that that was wrong!" ... "Didn't you use any common sense before you tried to do that?"... and so on and so forth. So much for common sense. Maybe they should just drop the "common" right off of it and refer to it as just plain "sense" from now on. Now, that would make more sense!

nah nah nah....Love Stinks..

In all my life, I never thought love could cause so much sadness, but I have found out otherwise. And it is not such a BAD thing that it causes sadness. I mean, sometimes things your family or friends say or do can cause you sadness, but you love them anyway, and keep on loving them. It is the bad things in life that happen that make you appreciate just how wonderful the good things are. I just never thought I could get so downright depressed over a measly 4-letter word! I hate seeing commercials of these happy couples holding hands....expecially at Christmas time...and doubly so during PMS, which I will from now on refer to as the "period of temporary insanity." I mean, it is not bad that people are happy, even in commercial land. It is just the fact that I don't have a person to hold my hand that really gets to me. I don't even know what is wrong with me half of the time. I go from being in a nice, calm state of mind in one moment, to bursting out into tears the next moment. Sometimes I do feel like I am losing my mind. It is just SO hard to be so completely in love with someone and not know how he feels about you. I mean, yes, it would completely crush me to know he didn't love me anymore, but then I would at least have an answer and could go about with my life from that point on. I have never been good with words. And even worse at confrontations. And yet even worse at feeling like I could potentially hurt someone's feelings. Gosh, I HATE that. I could not stand to hurt someone else. I just can't do that. Even if it means keeping all the bad, insanity-invoking stuff inside til it drives me mad. At least the only person getting hurt is me that way. And yes, there is that deep seeded fear of rejection. That voice inside your head that screams "I'm not good enough." Or "I'm too ugly for him. No wonder he doesn't love me." Or "What did I do to make him stop loving me? And can I fix it?" These are questions I am sure many people have asked themselves at one point...well, except for the "ugly" one....that one is one of my personal self-torments. It's not that I consider myself ugly exactly....just not attractive. I mean, I have never been flat-out told that I was ugly or unattractive...I just FEEL that way most of the time, and it is a hard thought to live with sometimes.

I just miss the physical aspects of a relationship.......SO much. And I am not talking about sex. I am talking about hugs and kisses and holding hands. I am talking about having someone to pat you on the back when you did a good job, or having someone to come home to at night. Someone to laugh with. Someone to hold you and comfort you when you have had a bad day. Or someone to just hold your hand when you are scared. Those tender touches that you long to feel, and miss more than anything. That is the "physical" I am talking about. That is what I miss so incredibly much. Being without that is what makes me cry myself to sleep at night. And knowing that when I am sad I will have no one there to comfort me, just makes me even sadder. And it is that fear that your feelings won't be returned that keeps you from flat out asking the person how he/she feels about you. Just like TS Eliot's Prufrock asks himself, "would it have been worth it after all," if he asks the object of his affection if she loves him back, and she says "that is not what I meant at all." How crushed he must have felt. Sometimes I feel just like Prufrock, who is not confident about himself and does not consider himself to be attractive. In fact, that is my favorite poem because I can completely relate to everything about it.

But, and this is a big BUT, love is also a wonderful, incredible thing. It is what fills you with exhilaration whenever the phone rings, wondering if it is that special someone calling you. It is that feeling of indescribable happiness that comes over you when you just hear his/her name. It is the butterflies that fill your insides when you see his/her face. It is a completely wonderful, amazing, incredible phenomenon that I can't even begin to properly define. I don't think it can really be defined in words alone, in fact. It is nothing short of a miracle.

And after the day is done, and after all the tears have been shed, I have no regrets. The only thing I have is a puzzle with one missing piece, and I hope that my special someone will come to me someday with that missing piece and make the puzzle complete.

Roger and Kay....together at last.

Have you ever seen those commercials on tv for Kay's..."Ev'ry kiss begins with Kay"....or those commercials for Roger's, who claim that "When you think love, you think Roger's"? I wanna know who are the ad wizards that came up with that crap! First of all, the only way ev'ry kiss would begin with Kay, is if you are a guy and are involved with a woman named Kay. And the only time you think love and think Roger's is if you are a woman and you are involved with a man named Roger. Don't you think it is just a little bit arrogant to think that your jewelry is so special that the word "love" has come to mean your company's name? The last time I looked in a dictionary, the word "love" was defined as "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness." I didn't see "Roger's" anywhere in the definition of "love." It is so apparent at Christmastime, and around Valentine's, that these jewelry companies go out of their way to make people feel either bad about themselves for not getting jewelry, or bad about themselves for not being able to give it. It is especially hard on the men, who undoubtedly feel pressured by these places to give their significant others some $500 piece of jewelry. It even gives them the impression that we, women, NEED some fancy-schmancy piece of jewelry to make us happy. Not only do the jewelry companies hurt men's pride, but they also make us women out to be these greedy b*tches who won't be satisfied with anything under a certain price tag. That is so unfair...to both of us! I, personally, would be perfectly happy with something from Wal-Mart! In fact, I would be proud of my man if he bought me a Wal Mart ring, cuz then I would know that he really knows me. Heck, I would be happy with a ring from a box of Crackerjack's at this rate - lol. But I digress. Christmas is commercial, but jewelry stores are commercialism at its worst. You can't commercialize love. I am sorry, but love doesn't come with a price tag. Love is something that comes from within. And it certainly does not come in a box from Roger's.

Festive Fishes
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Oh Christmas tree...oh Christmas tree...
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The Joys of Apartment Life

Ok, so apartment life is not THAT bad. There are worse things that living in an apartment....a root canal, being stuck in Los Angeles traffic, having pneumonia....yeah, those are definitely worse. But living in a small, little place where you can't paint the walls or change that uglier-than-sin carpet is not so great either. For one thing, you usually get stuck living next to the noisiest person in the world, who has no concept of volume control and has completely forgotten the fact that MOST people, contrary to his/her belief, do not like to listen to extremely loud spanish music, and especially not at 2 am. I have had 2 such neighbors in these last few years I have lived here. The one who lives next to me actually has toned his act down considerably....probably due to the fact that people have complained about him to the manager (no, it wasn't me!). The one who now lives below me likes to turn his spanish music on full blast at 7 am and 2 am...whichever he feels like doing. I guess he doesn't have to work in the morning or something...unlike me. And not only is the music extremely loud, but it also makes my floor vibrate. Now normally, things that vibrate are good. But not in this case. It would be so nice if people could be just a little considerate, but then, I think that would be asking too much! The next thing that bugs me about apartment living is the parking. Now we are all designated a parking spot that has our apartment number right above the spot. But, inevitably whenever someone new moves in, they end up having friends over and they don't inform them that they cannot park in OUR spots. The last thing I wanna do when I get home from work is to see a car parked in my spot, which of course, SHOULD be empty, since I am the only one who is supposed to park there. Oh, and then there are the cars who have those alarms on them that go off ALL night long....like now! I can hear someone's alarm going off. It is the second time tonite that it has gone off. But I digress. Also, the walls in this apartment are very thin, and people often forget this. You would be surprised at what kind of things you can hear through the walls! I guess what really bugs me the most, is the fact that I live alone, and it gets pretty lonely sometimes....and scary even. I mean, the other day I knocked the lamp off the ceiling and it hit me on the back of the head. I am surprised I didn't give myself a concussion! (those who know me, know I am a klutz, and weren't at all surprised when I told them this story) I could just imagine having something heavier hitting me and knocking me out and me just laying on the floor for hours until I woke up....IF I woke up at all. I have also nearly choked on a crouton (don't ask) and could just imagine if I had choked to death in my apartment and no one even knowing I was missing.I can see the headline now...."Death by crouton. Story at 11." You see those shows on tv where people smell something nasty coming from a house or apartment and then come to find that the person who lived in the smelly apartment (or house) had been dead for days...weeks even. As morbid as that sounds, it is something I have thought about, especially after that near-crouton-choking incident. It would be nice to have someone there when I had a nightmare (as I often have) or when I have one of those freaky-scary low blood sugar attacks. It would just be nice to be able to come home from work and have someone there to massage my feet. That is all I want in life. Someone who loves me enough to massage my stinky feet. Well, it is almost 2 am, and no sign of my neighbor's music tonite. Thank goodness for small miracles. I better get some sleep before he wakes up and turns it on...

Internet perverts tick me off!

Ok, what I want to know is WHY do guys feel it is necessary to bother me while I am online, with a stupid instant message like, "Hey baby, wanna see my cam?" or "I'm naked and horny. Talk to me." Makes me wanna gag. I don't have anything on my profile advertising that I would want to see that kind of crap. I mean, not EVERYONE in the world is a pervert. Why would ANYONE want to see that? What is the point? So what if the guy is naked.....everyone is naked at some point during the day! I mean, people have to shower! I get on my computer to play games or do crosswords or do a project or write here in my Blog.....NOT to be harassed by stupid guys (and girls!) who want to be all perverted. Get a life ! I bet their mother's are REALLY proud of them, all naked and doing gosh knows what else on a web cam. And then when I tell them I don't wanna see them, they have the nerve to tell me I am a prude, or I must be frigid, or I must not like sex....or whatever other kind of insult they can come up with. I think it really bothers them to be rejected or something. Frankly, I am NOT a prude or frigid, and I am not a sex hater. I am just normal (well as normal as a person can be). And if that is a sin, then let me go straight to hell.

A few words about PMS

Men are lucky. They don't have to deal with the whole PMS thing like we women do. Ok....they indirectly have to deal with it, I will give that to them. But dealing with it on a personal, emotional and physical level, well, just sucks. And it doesn't just suck....it sucks big, hairy donkey balls (that is my new catch phrase of the moment). I mean it is not just the nastiness which is tampons and maxi pads...it is a whole 'nother ball game. First, there is the bloating, which makes putting on shoes and pants a challenge. And it is just darned uncomfortable, too. It is feeling like you have gas and are going to explode at any moment. Does that sound fun??And then there are the cramps. I have RA (or lupus....whatever the doctor decides...but that is another story!) and fibromyalgia, and having to deal with pain on a daily basis is just a part of life for me. But to ADD to that pain is just plain wrong! Oh yeah, you can take Midol or other pain relievers to "get rid" of the pain...and I say "get rid" because they NEVER completely get rid of the pain. And of course the pain usually extends to your back, which just makes sitting up so incredibly cumfy (haha). Oh and then there is the emotional side of PMS....the side that makes me cry every time I see some commercial for the SPCA with the little kittens who need a good home...or those St Jude ads...or sometimes, when I am especially emotional, ANY commercial with a baby in it will start up the tears.And the reverse often happens too. I mean there are times during PMS when I just want to flat out whack that danged driver who just took my parking spot, or lay the smack down on that person who just took the last package of Oreos! And it is not because I am insane....or maybe I am. Maybe PMS is just a nice term for temporary insanity. And all of this stuff happens BEFORE the actual "M" happens. And all of it continues until the cycle is over. So, basically, a good (or bad) 10 days out of the month I am "temporarily insane." And men wonder why we are so tempermental! Good lord! If they REALLY knew what goes on in our minds when our hormones are totally out of whack, they would understand and maybe show us a little smidgen of sympathy. So, with that thought in mind, I am gonna go lie down with a bowl of Oreos and watch a sad movie.....lol.