"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. "
"Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail."
"Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
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