Funny Work Jokes

12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work

1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

Things you Would Love To Say But You Don't

1) I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3) How about never? Is never good for you?
4) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9) It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13) I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23) And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24) Do I look like a people person?
25) This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26) I started out with nothing & still have most of it left!
27) Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28) If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29) Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30) Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it.
31) I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32) A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33) Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34) Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
35) How do I set a laser printer to stun?
36) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37) File that under "Never".

Speaker Phone Trick

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while. There was a fellow in my office who was the ultimate offender.

I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-ASS. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"

It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED A VACATION FROM WORK

1. When a coworker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning"
to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the sh*t out of
her"... You need a vacation.

2. When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and
you think,"what the f*ck do they want now?"..... You need a vacation.

3. When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say,
"which one of you sons of b*tches turned off my computer?"..... .You
need a vacation

4. When you and a coworker are discussing something and a 3rd person comes
in and says, "well at my last office...", and you want to throw a stapler
at him......You need a vacation.

5. When you hear a coworker call your name and the first thing that
crosses your mind is, "what the hell does this b*tch want now?"and you
try to hide underneath your desk.........You need a vacation.

6. When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work that
could have already been done if they had stayed off the damned
phone and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a*s!!".......You need a vacation.

7. When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood
for 5 minutes waiting for the darned thing only to go DOWN one floor, and
you say "that lazy bastard"..... You need a vacation.

8. When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of
paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you
think, "sorry a*s mother f*ckers"..... You need to take another vacation.

9. When you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching,
slapping, or flattening someone's tires that you work with...... You
need a vacation

10. If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone
because you know it's going to lead to their life story ........ You
need a vacation.