My very own inferiority complex

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt said that. And it is true, when you come to think about it. So why is it that I always feel inferior? I wish I knew. There is always going to be someone out there who writes better than me, plays the guitar better than me, paints better than me, or articulates him or herself better than me. I know this, and I completely accept this. That is not the problem. The problem is that I go as far to think that EVERYONE is better at EVERYTHING than me. I really don't know why I think this way. I mean no one has ever really put me down for being an inferior person...well no one that I really needed to worry about (but that is a subject for a later entry). I just tend to take criticism better than I do compliments. I guess because if you get criticized for something, there is always an opportunity to try to make it better. With compliments, I get so shy and wonder if there is an ulterior motive involved in the giving of the compliment, or wonder if I am supposed to say something back besides, "Thank you." Most of the time, I can't even think of anything anyone could possibly compliment me on. Especially my looks. lol... I am not the prettiest of girls, nor am I thin by any means. Sometimes it bothers me to know that some people out there automatically assume I am lazy or stupid just because I don't have a body like a supermodel. To tell you the truth, part of me wishes that I could be beautiful, but then, naw....I would settle for average looking any day. But I would never resort to plastic surgery to make myself look different just to please somebody other than myself...never. I may feel inferior sometimes, but I still have my own mind and refuse to change myself just to please someone else. Compromise I can handle...but ultimatums don't fly well with me. Still, if I had the money, I would get a breast reduction for sure. Men just don't realize how much of a pain in the ass (or chest in this instance) those things are!!! I am VERY self conscious about my chest, and won't wear anything too clingy or bras that push up (lord knows I don't need push ups!!!). I don't want to draw any more attention to my chest than it already gets. I hate it so much that I even buy those minimizer bras in the hopes that my chest won't be too noticeable...but then, I doubt they would ever be able to make a bra that would shrink my boobs down to a normal size - if they have some out there, let me know!!

In college, every time I turned in a paper or an exam, I felt like I could have done better. Even if I got an A, I still felt like something was missing or could be improved on....well, except in math. I never did well at math, and that really bothered me, and still does. I can't understand why I can't get a handle on math. It really bothers me when I don't understand something. I always feel like I SHOULD understand EVERYTHING, which is probably why I used to always question my elementary school teachers on the stuff I didn't understand about religion (they must not have liked to not understand things themselves, because I always seemed to tick them off with my questions and got me into trouble with them- lol). I know that some people are naturally brilliant and can pick up on things just like that. I never wanted to be one of those people, but somewhere in the middle would be nice.

Now, I am not that way with my friends or anyone else. I am not critical of other people's work. In fact, usually I am the last person you want an opinion from because I am always so much in awe of other people's work that I can't criticize it. I will offer helpful advice when needed, but criticism, no way. If I could find a way to see the good in the things I do and in the person I am, I would be much happier. Maybe I should start treating myself the way I treat my friends...that might be a good start.