Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

Commencement Address to the College Class of 2006

"Does the fact that you, a grown adult, are moving back in with your parents mean that you're a sponging loser? Yes. You are Spongebob LoserPants. No! Sorry! I mean: No. It's fine! Your parents don't mind! They're thrilled to have you back home! Even from way up here on the podium I can hear their teeth grinding with joy. Besides, it's only temporary, right? In time you'll get tired of living with your parents, with their constant nagging about how you need to find a job, or at least help you with the housework, and could you put gas in Dad's car when you borrow it, and can you explain the Mystery Thong that Dad found in the backseat cup holder; and MY GOD IS THAT A TATTOO, and could you not play that music so loud at night, or could you at least play some DECENT music, we're not 'squares' you know, we like GOOD rock 'n' roll, we like The Mamas and The Papas, the Beatles - though not the later Beatles..."