Confessions

- - - I am afraid of heights. This fear has been with me since I was a little girl, but was probably exacerbated by an incident that happened to me on a Ferris Wheel when I was in 5th grade (Cyndi can attest to this - she was there, after all). Cyndi and I were at the Salinas Valley Fair in King City (the biggest even of the year in King City - lol), and I had 2 tickets left for the rides. The Ferris Wheel was 3 tickets, so I was bumming. But, as luck would have it, I found a ticket on the ground, and I thought it was my lucky day! So Cyndi and I were able to ride the Ferris Wheel. WOO HOO! There were some people in line behind us that I knew from school....Jackie and her friend. They were in my brother's class. We got on the Ferris Wheel, and all was going well. It was exhilerating going down, and we were having a fun time...until we heard someone scream, and then I saw this figure falling down to the ground. At first, I thought it was one of those giant teddy bears, then I realized that I was terribly wrong...it was Jackie. All I remember after that, is being extremely scared and thinking that I was going to die. I do remember holding onto that bar as tight as I could. I had never been so scared in my life, and I hope I am never that scared again.

- - - I used to feel ashamed that I was adopted. When I was a kid, being adopted was a subject for jokes and ridicule. I do confess that when I found out that I was adopted, I did not know what it meant. I had no clue. So, when I found out what it meant, I was confused, and I didn't want to tell anyone because I thought it would be just one more thing for kids to make fun of me about. It was something I hoped no one would ever find out. But as I grew older, I realized that I was pretty fortunate to be given such a gift as a great family. I truly love them, and it makes no difference whether or not the blood that runs through my veins shares DNA with theirs. It is the love and the trust that makes a family a family. Not blood. It didn't take me a long time to figure this out. I have no ill will toward my birth parents. If I could tell them anything, it would be "thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance at a better life than you could give me at that time." It was an unselfish act, and I silently thank them all the time for that. I also thank my parents for taking me in and giving me unconditional love and kindness and direction. I truly feel blessed. I have tried locating my birth parents before, but only to find out medical history and maybe to hug them and say "thank you." But it is hard. California has those closed-record laws that make it hard to find that kind of thing out, and I don't have the money to hire a private investigator. Maybe someday...

- - - I am more vulnerable than I let on. I put on this front that I am hard to offend and that I have this thick skin that can take most anything anyone can dish out. But, to tell you the truth, I am more vulnerable than I pretend to be. Sometimes, things people say hurt me. Sure, I usually laugh it off and go about my business, or I get defensive, but sometimes, it hurts. And words can hurt more than anything physical, because the bruises go away eventually, but the words...the words remain. They always say that the pen is mightier than the sword, and I know from experience, that this is true.