Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"One of the more baffling works of art I saw at the Miami Beach art show was called Moonwalk. You walked into the space and it was empty, just blank white walls. Around the ceiling were half a dozen speakers making a high-pitched sonar sound, like this: 'boop.' That was the art: 'boop.' Sitting outside on a folded chair was a gallery person, smoking Marlboros. I wondered what it would be like to fly all the way from Paris to Miami, only to spend four days sitting outside an empty shipping container going 'boop.' There was another work that consisted of a hole drilled in the floor, and some weeds stuck in it. I believe the price on that was $6,000. While I was examining it, I heard one Serious Art Person say to another (I swear): 'Wouldn't that be wonderful in the foyer?"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Can he only govern at night?)

Vampire seeks governor's job

MINNEAPOLIS (Reuters) - Minnesota voters, who eight years ago elected a former professional wrestler as their governor, may find a self-proclaimed vampire on the ballot for the office this year.

"Politics is a cut-throat business," said Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey, who said he plans to announce his bid for governor Friday on the ticket of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party.

Like Jesse "The Body" Ventura, who was elected governor as an independent in 1998, the 41-year-old Sharkey once was a wrestler, although he spent his time "The Unholiest of Kings: Tarantula" on obscure professional circuits.

"I'm a Satanist who doesn't hate Jesus," Sharkey told Reuters. "I just hate God the Father."

However, he claims to respect all religions and if elected, will post "everything from the Ten Commandments to the Wicca Reed" in government buildings.

Sharkey also pledged to execute convicted murders and child molesters personally by impaling them on a wooden pole outside the state capitol.

Sharkey told the Minneapolis Star Tribune that he's a vampire "just like you see in the movies and TV."

"I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor ... and drink their blood," he said, adding that his donor is his wife, Julie.

The field for the governor's race in Minnesota is far from complete. Republican incumbent Tim Pawlenty is widely expected to seek another term in November and his Democratic opponent has not been determined.

Sharkey said he planned to announce his candidacy Friday -- the 13th -- because that was "my lucky number."

Another day, another fifty cents

Well, here I am back at the great OC...and I am using the word "great" with much sarcasm. I am so unmotivated lately. I think the reason why I haven't had much road rage lately isn't because I have turned mellow...it is because I am unmotivated enough to even care about cars cutting in front of me and the like. I am sleepy and feel like crap. I just want to do nothing. I haven't even taken down my Christmas tree or fixed that bar in my closet yet. Yes, I have officially become jaded. Hopefully it will pass soon. Can't let Bakersfield drivers know that I have given my flip off finger a break.

I heard they are doing a sequel to Clerks. I have mixed feelings about this venture. While I loved the original Clerks (it is one of my all-time favorite movies) and would love to see Dante and Randal back at the good ole' Quick Stop, I dont' know if they can do the movie justice. I mean, just look how many crappy sequels there have been to really good movies (The Black Stallion Returns, to give you an example). And besides, Kevin Smith's last movie, Jersey Girl, sucked ass. I hope he does a better job on Clerks 2 than he did with that piece of crap.

Oh well. Back to my boring existance...lol

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Another piece of art at the art show was a ratty old collapsed armchair - worn, dirty, leaking stuffing, possibly housing active vermin colonies. I asked the gallery person if the chair was art, and she said, yes, it was a work of art titled Chair. I asked her what role the artist had played in creating Chair. She said, "He found it." She noted that Chair had been professionally crated and shipped to the art show. Chair is for sale. The price is $2,800. Really. I looked up Chair on a Serious Art website, which said: "The chair offers not a weedy patina of desuetude but an apotheosis of its former occupant." See, I missed that altogether, about the desuetude and the apotheosis. I thought it was just a crappy old junk chair some guy took off a trash pile and was now trying to see for 2,800 clams."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(The things some people will do to get a world record.)

Man Aims for New Snake-Kissing Record

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - A kiss is just a kiss, but it may prove to be the kiss of death for a Malaysian snake charmer who will attempt to set a new world record by planting 50 smooches on a venomous snake in 10 minutes.

Shahimi Abdul Hamid, 33, will perform the dangerous feat on March 11 in a bid to break the current record held by an American man who kissed a poisonous snake 30 times in an unspecified time, the national news agency Bernama said Thursday.

Shahini has urged Malaysians to support him in his endeavor, saying he "wants to prove that Asians can also be champions in taming poisonous snakes."

He could not be reached for comments.

Bernama said Shahimi displayed his prowess at a news conference late Wednesday by kissing a three-meter long King Cobra 21 times. His bid in March will be filmed by U.S. television show Ripley's Believe It Or Not, Bernama said.

Out with the road rage and in with the song rage

I am happy to report that I had no incidents of road rage so far this week. I know. I am as shocked as you are. What is wrong with me? Have I suddenly become mellow? Nah. I think "mellow" would be pushing it. "Slightly kinder and gentler," maybe. And I stress the word "slightly." I don't think anyone would call me "mellow." I have been called "feisty" (which is a kinder and gentler way to call you a bitch), which I think suits me better. but "mellow?" Don't think so.

I did have a case of "song rage" this morning. You know what "song rage" is. It's when you get a song, usually a really awful song or a song you haven't even thought about in years, stuck in your head. Well I had song rage this morning. I don't know where it came from or how it got there, but all morning, all that was going through my head was," Who put the 'ram' in the ram a lam a ding dong, who put the 'bop' in the bop se bop se bop." What the hell??? I haven't thought about that song in sooo long. And, besides. I HATE that song. Grrrrrrrrrr. How come the crappy ass songs get stuck in my head? Is it some form of torture? And why am I being tortured? Why, I ask you...why???

I went to the store last night to pick up some soda and some toilet paper and a book of stamps, you know since the postage rate went up and all. Well, to my unsurprise, they didn't even have any stamps. No old ones...no new ones. None. Crapola. I went to the post office the other night to get some 2 cent stamps, but to my even more unsurprise, they were sold out. I smell a conspiracy here. They up and raised the price of a stamp to 39 cents and you can't even get any 2 cent stamps cuz they are continually sold out of them. You can get a book of 39 cent stamps from the vending machine though (if you have the cashola on you to get them, that is...I had a $20 bill the other night, and there was no way I was chancing putting that puppy in the machine...last year I put a $10 in there and it ripped me off...no stamps...no money back...nada....GRRR!). I figured I would get a book of 39 cent stamps and then when the demand for the 2 cent stamps wore out, I would get some and use up my old 37 cent ones. Well, you can't even get a book of stamps at the grocery store. So much for my plan. Yes, I smell a conspiracy. And it stinks!

And on a totally off note...when are they gonna stop making those Burger King commercials with that plastic man-looking king dude? That guy scares the crap burgers outta me. I had a nightmare about him the other night. Stop the king! Stop the insanity! Let me sleep in peace!!

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Petanque was invented in 1907 near Marseille, at a bar. As far as I can tell, it is never played far from a bar. It's sort of like bocce, except it's played with steel balls, called 'boules.' You keep your feet together and throw your ball underhand, palm down, using a motion that I can only describe as 'French.' The object is to get your balls closer than your opponents' balls to another little ball, called the 'point' ball. When a team has scored thirteen points, it's time to go to the bar."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Momma always said to wash behind your ears. Listen to your momma.)

Robbery Suspect 'Sings the Blues'

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - Memo to robbers: If you disguise yourself as a Smurf, make sure you wipe behind your ears afterward. Anchorage police said a man painted his face and tried to rob a hotel, but was arrested when officers spotted residual blue stains on his neck, ears and forehead.

Daniel Peter Clark, 19, is charged with robbery and assault.

Anchorage police Lt. Paul Honeman said a clerk at the Super 8 Motel said a man with a blue face walked in and asked for money at 6:30 a.m. on Saturday. When the clerk said no, the man pulled out a knife.

The clerk retreated into a hotel office and locked the door and the suspect fled on foot, Honeman said.

Police put out a description of the suspect: a man in his early 20s, thin, with short blond hair wearing a puffy red coat like a ski jacket. And a blue face.

Much of the description sounded familiar to Officer Kevin McDonald.

A day earlier, McDonald had responded to a disturbance call at the Chelsea Inn. He spoke to a young man with short blond hair who was wearing a puffy red coat.

McDonald and Sgt. Chris Sims drove to the Chelsea Inn and spoke to the desk clerk. Twenty minutes after the robbery call, Clark appeared. "In runs Mr. Clark, still wearing his blue face," Honeman said. "It was a clue."

Blue ink on his fingers also was a tip-off.

Police believe Clark ran from the Super 8, washed his face and walked to the Chelsea, where he was checked in. Blue stain, however, was prominent on his ears, neck and throat.

Police obtained a search warrant for Clark's room. They recovered a knife sheath and an ink blotter commonly used at bingo parlors for stamping cards.

"He appears to have cut it open and emptied the contents into an ice bucket," Honeman said. "He painted himself up good."

Police photographed Clark with the blue stains in place.

He is being held at the Anchorage Jail with bail set at $3,000, Honeman said.

Tis the season for award shows

I watched the Critics Choice Awards last night, mostly because nothing else of interest was on, and partly because I kinda wanted to see who would win.

It was a decent awards show...not as fancy-schmancy as the Oscars, yet not as hokey as the MTV Movie awards. I was very happy that the cast of Crash took home the award for Best Acting Ensemble. For anyone who hasn't seen it, it is a brilliant movie. Rent it...now! You won't be disappointed. It would have to say that of all the movies I saw last year, Crash was THE best.

I was also glad to see Paul Giamatti win for Best Supporting Actor (for Cinderella Man) He was royally screwed over by the academy last year when he was not nominated for his performance in Sideways. (grrrr)

Dakota Fanning won for Best Younger Actress for her performance in War of The Worlds. I haven't seen the movie, but Dakota is just too cute. She was so adorable while making her acceptance speech.

Brokeback Mountain won for Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Supporting Actress (Michelle Williams - it is nice to see those Dawson's Creek kids all grown up - hehe), and Best Picture. I haven't seen it yet, but after all the awards and nominations it has been receiving, I sure want to see it. Especially after all the controversy (like a theatre in Utah refusing to show it) and those idiots protesting outside the award show (holding signs that had such intelligent phrases as "No homo on the range" on them - sheesh), it just makes me want to see it even more. Besides, Jake Gyllenhaal is in it and everyone knows how much I adore him and his eyes - lol.

The show was pretty good, but I always wonder why they save the big awards (Best Actor, Best Director and Best Picture) for last. It seems like the shows always run out of time toward the end and the last few winners have to struggle to hurry up and finish their speeches before they are so rudely cut off. Let them finish their speeches. Some of these people may never win another award. I would be so pissed if that ever happened to me. Like last night...as the producer for Brokeback Mountain was saying her acceptance speech, they started to roll the credits. Grrrrr....how rude.

Anyway, I am gonna have to see Brokeback Mountain one of these days.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"I've discovered the perfect sport. You don't have to be in great shape to play it. You barely have to stand. You're thinking: golf. Wrong. Compared to the sport I'm talking about, golf is brutal, sometimes forcing you to physically walk fifteen feet from your cart to your ball. Whereas the sport I'm talking about involves almost no walking, and in fact little movement of any kind, except for signaling the bartender. The most strenuous part of this sport is pronouncing its name: petanque."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Now I see where her dogs get it from.)

Drunk Woman Sics Dogs on New Zealand Cops

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A drunken woman unleashed pitbulls on two New Zealand policemen responding to a domestic dispute, sending them scrambling to their patrol car where she bashed in their windshield with her feet, police said.

Gunshots and pepper spray couldn't deter the pair of angry hounds, which hurled themselves at the car's windows, said Detective Senior Sergeant Neil Grimstone in the northern city of Auckland.

The "intoxicated and aggressive female," meanwhile, "jumped up onto the bonnet of the car and smashed the patrol vehicle's windscreen with her feet," he said in a statement.

Back-up officers arrived and tried to negotiate with the woman, but to no avail. One of the dogs charged and was shot and wounded. The woman also assailed officers and was arrested, he said.

Grimstone said the shooting still didn't deter either dog, with the wounded one again turning on police — and shot a second time.

"The dog has, only after being shot twice, then run off," he said.

Both animals were later impounded and were to be destroyed, he said.

The woman, aged 27 but not identified by police, faced charges of assault with a weapon, intentional damage, disorderly behavior and resisting police. Grimstone said more serious charges were likely.

"There is no question that this woman is totally responsible for the demise of these animals. Drunken, violent, aggressive and confrontational behavior like this will not be tolerated," he said.

Grimstone wasn't immediately unavailable for comment Tuesday. It was unclear why the officers were called to the home.

Quiz time!

The Picto-Personality Test You are a person who is very ambitious, and constantly thinking of ways to further your own goals. When alone, you like to spend your time doing something that will better yourself. You are laid back. Anything goes, with you. In the future you will be happy and live richly.

Take this Test at QuizGalaxy.com

When backpacking thru Europe, stay away from the hostile hostels.

I went to Santa Maria over the weekend. Nice, sunny weather, though slightly chilly and breezy. Chris and I went to lunch at this place in Guadalupe called the Far Western Tavern. I had a yummy french dip sandwich with onion rings - mmmmm. It was yummy, yummy for my tummy. It is a cool restaurant and good food, too .

We went to see Hostel on Saturday evening. Damn, that was a good movie. Full of blood and guts and gore galore! I know, Cyndi...you told me not to "right" (HAHAHA) a bloody review of this movie, but too bad! Just teasing...I won't go into too much detail, since I don't wanna blow the ending for everyone. Trust me. It's good. It is all about these 3 guys who are backpacking across Europe. They plan on ending up in Barcelona eventually, but they don't quite make it there. They end up going to this hostel in some Slovakian city based on the promises of hot women and lots of sex...hey, what man would turn that offer down?

Anyway, after what seems to be a good start to their visit, things start to turn bad when one of their buddies turns up missing. Soon after, another one of them turns up missing. Now it is just Paxton (played by Jay Hernandez) who is left and he is starting to get suspicious.

The usual murder and mayhem follow, but there is a twist...You eventually find out what is happening to the visitors in the town, and it is not pretty. Paxton will pay a high price to find out what happened to his friends. Will he make it out alive? Well, I guess you will have to see the movie to find out. hehehe. (Sorry, but I hate it when people ruin the movie for me by telling me what happens before I see it).

On Sunday, Chris and I went to Klondike's Pizza in Santa Maria. They have the best pizza there. We always get the Denali pizza, which is basically their "everything goes" pizza. They sure don't skimp on the toppings there. I had 3 slices and then I was done. My tummy was getting revenge on me for eating too much and drinking too much root beer. I thought I was gonna hurl, but, fortunately, I didn't. Whew!

This upcoming weekend is a 3-day weekend (would've been a 4-day weekend, but I said I would put in some OT on Friday ... oh why do I have to be so nice????) Chris mentioned maybe going to Big Sur and camping out there. I haven't been to Big Sur since I was a kid. Should be fun!!!

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"At a recent art show I saw a work of art consisting of a video repeated over and over, showing a man - not in peak physical condition, I might add - rollerblading around a vast empty space, stark naked. I'm proud to say I betrayed no emotion while viewing this work, although my daughter, who was three at the time, said, quite loudly: "You can see his tushy! Yuck!" She was young, and had no art training."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Ahhh...revenge is so very, very sweet.)

Mouse Thrown Into Fire Sets Home Ablaze

FORT SUMNER, N.M. - A mouse got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man's house and set it on fire.

Luciano Mares, 81, of Fort Sumner said he caught the mouse inside his house and wanted to get rid of it.

"I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire, and the mouse was on fire and ran back at the house," Mares said from a motel room Saturday.

Village Fire Chief Juan Chavez said the burning mouse ran to just beneath a window, and the flames spread up from there and throughout the house.

No was hurt inside, but the home and everything in it was destroyed.

Unseasonably dry and windy conditions have charred more than 53,000 acres and destroyed 10 homes in southeastern New Mexico in recent weeks.

"I've seen numerous house fires," village Fire Department Capt. Jim Lyssy said, "but nothing as unique as this one."

Sometimes I have nothing better to do than to complain...

I have nothing interesting to say today. I am tired of working on cases. I have practically been working non-stop on cases all day today. Grrrr. I just want to go home where there are no cases.....none...zip.........nada.

The fog reared its ugly head today. Just when I thought that maybe, just maybe, we would get out of winter with no fog. So much for that idea. I guess Mother Nature had other plans...the bitch.

Is it me, or does that chick on the new Taco Bell commercial (you know...the one for the cheesy bean and rice burrito) seem to be mouthing the word "fuck" at the end of the commercial? Maybe it's just me...but I don't think so. For shame, Taco Bell. For shame. Do you not realize that some deaf people watch tv and that some of them can read lips? How do you edit tv for the lip readers?? Of course you know I am joking. I hate it when they edit the movies on tv. It completely ruins them, and besides, we all know what they are really saying. Get over it already you prudes! If you don't like it, don't watch it.

But I digress.

Anyway, it is finally Friday and I am pooped. I wanna go home now. I wanna lie on my bed and listen to the radio, with not a complex thought in my head. Hell, I would lie in bed all weekend, 24 hours a day if I didn't have to get up and pee and eat from time to time. Yes, that is how lazy I can be. You don't believe me? Well, I will just have to prove it. Ha ha!

I really wanna see that movie Hostel that came out today. It looks really gross-out and cring-inducing. Just the way I like my movies.

Is it time to go home yet?

No?

Damn.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"I went to an art show called Art Positions, which was a group of large, walk-in shipping containers set up on the beach, serving as mini art galleries. Serious Art People drifted seriously from container to container. I managed not to say anything stupid until I encountered a slide projector sitting on the floor, projecting a rectangle of white light and twitching lens dust onto the wall. I asked the gallery person if there was supposed to be a slide in the projector; he patiently explained that, no, this was a work of art titled Autofocus Slide Projector Dust. I didn't ask why it was on the floor, because I didn't want to make a total fool of myself."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(What did the Christmas tree ever do to you?)

Man Allegedly Torches Christmas Tree

GLENDALE, Calif. - Police arrested a man who allegedly torched the city's 30-foot-tall Christmas tree in retaliation for a parking ticket.

Bruce Morrison, 52, was arrested Wednesday at his Glendale home and was booked for investigation of arson, Sgt. Oscar Rodriguez said. He was released after posting $50,000 bail.

The tree at the Civic Center's Parcher Plaza was reduced to charcoal last Friday night. Witnesses told police that they saw a gray-haired man leaving the scene in a blue pickup truck shortly before the fire started.

Sgt. Ernie Garcia of the department's arson unit said the city will seek restitution of the tree's $2,500 cost and another $5,000 in decorations and fencing that were destroyed in the fire.

Rose Bowl Woes

It was a real nail-biter down to the very last second. I could barely watch, but I knew it would end with the Longhorns winning after they regained possession of the ball in the final minutes of the game. Vince Young is just too good. There is no stopping him.

You might as well just have called it The Vince Young Bowl.

After all, it was pretty much a one man show. Yes, Texas won the Rose Bowl by 3 points, much to my dismay. Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush and Lendale White just couldn't hold off the Longhorns. But it wasn't their fault. True, Reggie Bush, the 2005 Heisman Trophy winner, flubbed the ball in an uncharacteristic error which cost the Trojans dearly, and in a bad coaching move, Pete Carroll had USC go for the 1st down on 4th and 2 when they should have gone for the field goal. But, Vince Young was too good of a quarterback (making 3 TD's, completing 30 out of 40 passes and rushing for 200 yards) and the USC defense was just lousy, leaving men open and not being able to make the tackles when they should have. USC's defense failed and lost them the game.

Reggie Bush would redeem himself in the 2nd half, scoring a TD on a 37 yard run. Lendale White was the key player in USC's offense. He is a strong guy and it took a lot of guys to tackle him to the ground. And Matt Leinart, who got off to a good start in the 1st half, but was roughed up later on and was visibly shaken, throwing a pass that was intercepted in the first half, picked himself up and shook himself off and went on to prove himself to being as good as they say he is.
Then, there was controversy. In the 1st half, Vince Young lateraled the ball to Selvin Young who made it into the end zone for a touchdown, when Vince Young's knee was clearly on the ground when he passed Selvin Young the ball. It should have been down right there, and the TD would not have counted. USC got royally ripped off there.

There was also unsportsmanlike behavior. A cheap shot to Matt Leinart, after he had already passed the ball, resulted in a flag on the play and a 15 yard gain for the Trojans. Eventually, USC would score on that possession.

But it was too little, too late. After being ahead in the 4th quarter, Texas regained the ball on a missed 4th down opportunity and Vince Young went on to score the winning TD.

Damn him! And damn USC's lousy defense.

Oh well. There's always next year.

And Matt Leinart... you are still the best.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"No matter how ludicrous the art is, a Serious Art Person will view it with the somber expression of a radiologist examining x-rays of a tumor. Whereas an amateur will eventually give himself away by laughing; or saying, 'Huh?' or (and this is the most embarrassing) asking an art gallery person: 'Is this wastebasket a piece of art? Or can I put my gum wrapper in it?"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Stupid is as stupid does.)

Alleged Burglar Cooks, Makes Fresh Juice

ANDERSON, S.C. - Apparently, you can build up quite an appetite breaking-and-entering. James Michael Fowler, 26, was arrested and charged with burglary Tuesday after a neighbor watching the house found a pan of cocktail franks cooking on the stove and some freshly made orange juice nearby.

Anderson Police Lt. Layton Creamer says when the neighbor went to check on the home, she saw the food cooking and a black stocking cap on the kitchen counter.

Creamer said it looked like Fowler broke into the two-story house through a first-floor window.

Officers didn't find Fowler at first. But when authorities returned to collect evidence, the neighbor noticed the key to the patio door wasn't in the lock, Creamer said.

That's when police saw Fowler lying, coiled up on the deck floor, Creamer said.

After authorities surrounded the house, they arrest Fowler as he tried to get back in through the deck door.

"He heard us and was trying to make his escape," Creamer said.

Blah, blah, blah

Ever had one of those days when you just don't feeling like doing crap? Well, today is one of those days...so was yesterday, thus the absence of a blog entry. I did change my profile template though. I guess I actually did SOMETHING yesterday.

I am just tired...and achey. I hate it when I feel like this. I was pretty grumpy yesterday and am kind of grumpy today, too. I felt like crap yesterday, and today I don't feel much better. To make it worse, I have to go to the rheumatologist today, which means I will surely have to get a blood test. GRRRR. I hate needles.

On the positive side of it, it means I get to leave work at 2:30 today and not have to come back til tomorrow. As Napoleon Dynamite would say, "Sweet!"

I did do some productive things today. I actually worked some. Real work. I know. I am as shocked as you are.

I also changed my template. It looks pretty freakin' awesome if you ask me. I love to play around with Paint Shop Pro. It is my new obsession. I think I will have to toy around with the template a little more until I get it just right. I am such a freakin' perfectionist.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Whenever I write about art, I get mail from the Serious Art Community informing me that I am a clueless idiot. So let me begin by stipulating that I am a clueless idiot. I recently attended a big art show held here in Miami Beach. It attracted thousands of Serious Art People who wear mostly black outfits and can maintain serious expressions no matter what work of art they are viewing. This is hard, because a lot of Serious Art consists of bizarre or startingly unattractive objects, or 'performances' wherein artists do something Conceptual, such as squirt Cheez Whiz into an orifice that has not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration for snack toppings."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Come on baby, light my fire.)

Man sets self on fire in courtroom after fine

SEOUL (Reuters) - A South Korean man was in critical condition after setting himself on fire on Wednesday in a courtroom where he was sentenced to a $300 (171 pounds) fine for disturbing the peace, a court official and an emergency room physician said.

The district court in Uijongbu north of Seoul had just upheld a fine he received in 2004 for causing a disturbance at a mobile phone sales outlet where he was demanding a new phone number.

The man walked out of the courtroom after the sentence, doused himself with heating oil, came back to the courtroom and set himself on fire, the court official said by telephone.

The man suffered third-degree burns all over his body and was being transported to a burn centre in Seoul, an emergency room doctor at a Uijongbu hospital that first received him said.

"His life is on the line," the doctor said.

Nobody else in the sparsely attended courtroom was hurt, the court official said.

Out with the old and in with the new

Well, a lot has happened throughout 2005. There were hook-ups (Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn to name a few)...break-ups (Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, Paris and Paris, to name a few)... Hurricanes Rita and Katrina proved to be the biggest bitches ever...Tom Cruise jumped on a couch in the name of love...an earthquake leveled parts of Asia...Oprah appeared on David Letterman for the first time in years...Gilligan passed away...one pope died and a new one was elected...the war in Iraq continues...Bombings rocked London subways...the battle over Terry Schiavo's life was finally ended...Gasoline prices skyrocketed.

New movies and tv shows came out in 2005. The best movies that I have seen in 2005 were: King Kong, Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, The Wedding Crashers, The 40 Year-Old Virgin, and Crash. Also some very good new tv shows came out. My favorites are Supernatural and The Colbert Report.

This year started out very wet and windy. Storms blew across California, causing flooding and even some deaths from falling trees. Even the Rose Parade was not safe from the storms, as the parade was drenched with rain for the first time in some 55 years. Here in Bakersfield, we got quite a bit of rain over the New Year's weekend. Not to mention the wind. It was almost odd yesterday as I left Olive Garden after eating lunch, as it was sunny, yet it was also raining. The lights flickered a little bit in the evening and I was very glad the power didn't end up going out.

Well, it is time for something new, so this year, I will be posting a new "Funny Stuff" quote from Dave Barry in 2006. I got one of those quote-a-day calendars by Dave Barry for Christmas, so I will have plenty of material for this upcoming year. Besides, the man is funny!

I will also be changing my template....again - hehe. Stay tuned!

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"You never see a smiling runner."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Not all monkeys are good monkeys.)

Humans display their stupid side to wildlife

JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - A South African mugger fleeing the scene of his crime hides in a tiger enclosure.

On the country's coast, a woman attempts to be a good Samaritan by pushing a young seal into the sea, believing the poor thing is stranded.

Both people paid heavily for their stupidity, underscoring one of nature's truisms: humans do dumb things around wild animals.

"I blame it on Walt Disney, where animals are given human qualities. People don't understand that a wild animal is not something that is nice to pat. It can seriously harm you," said James Cameron, a South African professional hunter.

The cartoon image of wildlife may have prompted a 49-year-old South African woman in October to try to help a seal which she believed was stranded, allowing her 1-year-old grandchild to stroke the creature in the process.

The seal responded by biting off the woman's nose.

Cape Fur Seals are common on South African shores and many have become accustomed to humans.

They are a popular tourist attraction and can be viewed playing in the sea by Cape Town's waterfront -- which may also give a false impression of placid friendliness.

"Cute" seal pups have also been used as potent symbols by groups such as the International Fund for Animal Welfare, further enhancing the animal's "cuddly status".

But they can in fact be dangerous and sometimes attack people who venture too close -- as South Africa's noseless do-gooder discovered to her horror.

TIGER TROUBLE

Then there was the South African robber who made the mistake last month of taking refuge in an enclosure which turned out to be home to a pair of unimpressed tigers.

He had fled into a nearby zoo after security guards heard the screams of a couple he had just mugged in Bloemfontein, about 400 km (250 miles) south-west of Johannesburg.

Unsurprisingly, he was mauled to death by the big cats.

The mugger was not the first South African criminal to err in hiding among zoo animals.

Max, a 200 kg (440 lb.) gorilla, won fame in 1997 after being wounded by a terrified gunman who jumped a moat into his space in Johannesburg's zoo while fleeing police.

Max pinned the fugitive against the wall of his enclosure and guarded him even after being shot until police arrived, making him an instant folk hero in crime-ridden South Africa.

Other people don't realise that you shouldn't get between a mother and her offspring -- especially when dealing with the world's largest land mammal.

In April of this year, an elephant gored a tourist to death in a Ugandan national park after the man, carrying an 8-year-old boy in his arms, approached the animal's calf.

"I think many people are just far removed from nature. People who live in cities often see nature as something that is tame and manageable," said Sue Lieberman, director of the global species programme for conservation group WWF International.

"And wrongly so. We don't need to tame nature, we need to keep the wild out there," she told Reuters.

SHOW-OFFS

Then there are the show-offs.

Lions mauled a South African teenager in March who came too close to their enclosure while trying to impress his girlfriend.

The sixteen-year-old, his girlfriend and his mother were having lunch with the lion keeper when he ignored advice and went off with his girlfriend to see the lions in the breeding section of the park just north of Johannesburg.

The boy went into an area off-limits to the public and touched a lion through the mesh fence.

The lion quickly sank its teeth into his arm and dragged him under the fence before the curator came, drove the four adult lions in the enclosure away and rescued the teenager.

"It just shows a total disregard and disrespect for wild animals," said Cameron.

The boy was luckier than a couple from Taiwan in 1993, who got out of their car to photograph lions up close at a South African game park -- and who were quickly savaged to death by the beasts.

Groovy

Well, I tell you, sometimes I just ain't the brightest crayon in the box. I wrote a blog earlier and somehow I managed to erase the whole thing. I got so ticked off that I wasn't even gonna write a post today (that'll teach me!), but I am going to anyway.

Today has been busier than usual, being that we have a 4-day weekend coming up and everyone is scrambling to finish their cases on time. I got stuck with 2 cases to work, myself and I had to do my supervisor's intake reports (a task which I loathe, because I don't know what the hell I am doing!), and then I wrote up some guidelines on writing case comments for the trainees. Yep...I have been busy. But now it is an hour til I get off from work, so I finally have some free time. (of course, as soon as I said that someone came around the corner to ask me a question - lol).

Anyway, I have to go to the grocery store today, which is something I hate even more than doing intake reports. The grocery store is always crowded and the lines are always long. I hate going there. I really do. At least if I go to Foods Co, I can get some of their Chinese food their. They have great orange chicken - mmmmm. I didn't even eat lunch...well, I had an orange. Didn't have much of a breakfast either. What is with me today???


Well, I am officially hooked on Uproar.com's Family Feud...again. I used to play it all the time a while back, but now I am back! Oh, and that Sudoku Quest game on MSN.com, too. Damn them and their addicting games!

I really didn't have any road rage today...just a minor case of parking lot rage. This morning as I was turning down the aisle in the parking lot of my job, this woman in a car, driving on the wrong side of the aisle, almost hit me. And then she just stared at me as if I were from another planet. This is the USA, buster, and we drive on the right side of the road here! Some people have no brains!

After my little parking lot rage was sated, I continued listening to the radio interview they were doing on Bruce Campbell. Yes, Ash was on the radio. I love Bruce Campbell. He is better than Jake Gyllenhaal and Matt Leinart combined! He is .... groovy. I was 5 minutes late getting to my desk because I wanted to hear the whole interview. (This is my boomstick!!!) He apparently has a novel out called, Make Love! The Bruce Campbell Way. I want that book, and I want it NOW!

Well, I don't have time for a list today. Maybe I will do 2 tomorrow. Or maybe I will just skip today altogether. I gotta run. Someone is asking me another question.

My work is never done.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Thanks to our fear of death, no one ever has to die; they can all just pass away. Or expire, like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital, it will be called a terminal episode. The insurance company will refer to it was negative patient-care outcome. And if it's the result of malpractice, they'll say it was a therapeutic misadventure."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Keep your keys away from kitties.)

W.Va. Woman Locked Out of Car by Cat

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. - Locking yourself out of your car is bad enough, but Jeanna Stewart was even more embarrassed when the culprit was not her, but her cat.

The Morgantown resident said she was getting a spare house key out her car's trunk on Monday when her cat Mork, one of three in the car, stepped on the automatic door lock. She couldn't unlock the door because she had left her car keys on the driver's seat.

"He wouldn't unlock the door for me," Stewart said Tuesday. "He was standing there, saying why aren't you opening the door? I want to go inside."

Stewart went into her house and called the Morgantown Fire Department for help. She said she was mainly concerned about freeing Mork and the other cats, Minday and Alex.

"They rescued my three little kitties," Stewart said. "I didn't need a rescue for me, just for them."

Chaos, terror....just another day at the mall.

Oh glorious Bakersfield. Where you can roam the streets safely...where you can leave your doors unlocked and your windows open at night...where you can shop in the mall without fear of being shot....wait a minute. I am not describing Bakersfield. I am describing Fantasy Land. Sadly, no place like that actually exists anymore. I doubt it ever really did. Unless you count Gilligan's Island. But even then, that darned Gilligan was always trying to swipe a coconut cream pie or 2 from the table, not to mention what went on between those chimpanzees and the Skipper when the cameras weren't rolling. Nothing is sacred anymore. Not even shopping. I was at my folks' house last night and my brother had the police scanner on and we heard that someone got shot in the chest (he died later on) and that fights were breaking out all over at the mall. Yes, the mall. The place where Santa Claus lets kids sit on his lap. The place where you can buy chocolate from The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. The place where you can shop for birthday cards to your heart's content. The place where you can buy racy lingerie to make your main squeeze happy. Nowhere on the mall sign does it say..."Welcome to the mall. Hope you don't get shot."

Seems like wherever you go you have to watch your back. I heard down in LA some guy got shot in the head while he was eating dinner. He was an innocent victim of a stray bullet. The world is full of crazy people, all trigger happy and loaded up on drugs or booze or maybe just plain old insanity. Some people say, "You need a gun." But, I really don't like guns. Maybe it is because I know what they can do. I watch too much CSI. There are too many crazy people out there, and the last thing they need is a gun. I think people should have to pass a sanity test before they are allowed to buy a gun. "No, I don't think JFK and RFK are conspiring to kill you, and no, I don't think that Nessie and Bigfoot are secret lovers who are really the parents of the Abominable Snowman....no gun for you, buster!"

Speaking of whackos, I read that some woman took out a restraining order against David Letterman....yes, THE David Letterman, citing that he used "coded words to show that he wanted to marry her and train her as his co-host." According to this woman (named Colleen Nestler, in case anyone knows her....she is nuts!!), Mr Letterman "asked her to be his wife during a televised "teaser" for his show by saying, "Marry me, Oprah." Her letter said Oprah was the first of many code names for her and that the coded vocabulary increased and changed with time." She also said that is he or any of his legal team came near her, that she would "break their legs," but this "breaking of the legs" was not a threat. HELLO!!!! Not a threat??? Holy cow, this woman is insane!!! Someone call a doctor. And don't let her buy a gun for crying out loud! (you can read the full story below, in my Stupid News Story of The Day post).

Also showing signs of insanity is Tori Spelling, who announced that she is engaged. Flashback....she just announced that she and her husband were getting a divorce not too long ago. Now suddenly she is dating AND getting engaged? Only in Hollywood people. Only in Hollywood. I guess she likes playing musical husbands or something. Well, good luck. And be sure to sign a prenup.

More signs of insanity in the world: I forgot to mention the whacko at the gas station in LA when I was on vacation. Oh, this guy was a real nut job. Chris's brother had stopped to get gas, and pulled in the empty pump behind another car. Well the guy in front of us finished pumping and left, leaving an open pump. Chris's brother was still pumping the gas when this guy just flies in the open space and comes thisclose to hitting the car. Well, the guy then backs up and pulls up again, again coming extremely close to hitting us. He then gets out of the car and is mouthing some words, which I could not make out. I figured he must have been talking to himself or maybe singing. Who knows. Well, he finishes up pumping the gas while Chris's brother goes in to pay for the gas. As the guy pulls out, he continues to mouth words, but this time I can make out some of what he is saying, and he definitely was not singing, unless it was some gansta rap in which every other word begins with "f" (if you know what I mean). As he is pulling out of the station, he turns and flips us off. I was sitting there thinking, "what is his problem???" I mean, we were just sitting there, and it wasn't like we cut in front of him or anything. We were there first. So, to this day, I have no clue why that crazy nut job flipped us the bird. I guess he was just having a bad morning or something. Only he knows.

Well, I have no road rage moment of the day to share. I know, you are thinking, "You mean nobody pissed her off this morning?" Nope. Well, at least not by means of a vehicle. I did have a major case of neighbor rage though this morning...at 2:30 am. Yes, this morning at 2-freakin-thirty-am, my next door neighbor decided to get up and play his music loud...loud enough to wake me out of my beauty sleep. So if I am REALLY ugly this morning, you know who to blame. And if anyone wants to kick his ass, I will give you his address (haha). I was SO pissed off, because I was having a really good dream about Jake Gyllenhaal and Matt Leinart giving me a sponge bath, and....well, ok...that is enough to give you an idea - hehe. I kicked the wall, hoping to make him shut the hell up,but his music was probably too loud for him to hear anything. I hope he goes deaf, the ass munch! So, I am tired this morning. I don't think any amount of caffeine will kick me into gear this morning. I hate assholes!!!!

Before I get too pissed off, here is a new list...

List the things that really make you tick:

1. Loud, inconsiderate neighbors
2. When people try to get into the elevator before I can get out of it.
3. Crowded places
4. Rude people
5. Tailgaters
6. People who cut me off when I am driving
7. People cutting in front of me in line
8. Dirty bathrooms
9. Ants
10. Knots in my hair (ouch!)

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"I have a very inexpensive security system. If someone breaks into my house, I run next door and throw a brick through my neighbor's window. That sets off his alarm and when the police arrive I direct them to my house."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Some people are crazy, and then some people are CRAZY!)

Restraining Order Against Letterman Tossed

A state judge has lifted a restraining order granted to a Santa Fe woman who accused talk-show host David Letterman of using coded words to show that he wanted to marry her and train her as his co-host.

Judge Daniel Sanchez on Tuesday granted a request by lawyers for Letterman, host of CBS' "Late Show," to quash the temporary restraining order that he earlier granted to Colleen Nestler.

She alleged in a request filed Dec. 15 that Letterman has forced her to go bankrupt and caused her "mental cruelty" and "sleep deprivation" since May 1994.

Nestler requested that Letterman, who tapes his show in New York, stay at least 3 yards away and not "think of me, and release me from his mental harassment and hammering."

Lawyers for Letterman contended the order was without merit.

"He is entitled to a protection of his legal rights and a protection of his reputation," Pat Rogers, an Albuquerque lawyer representing Letterman, told the judge Tuesday.

The New Mexico court doesn't have jurisdiction over Letterman, who is a resident of Connecticut, Rogers said.

Nestler appeared in court without a lawyer and represented herself.

Responding to a question from the judge, Nestler said she had no proof of the allegations she had made against Letterman.

She also said that if Letterman or any of his representatives came near her, "I will break their legs" and establish proof of her allegations.

Nestler said after the court hearing that "I have achieved my purpose. The public knows that this man cannot come near me."

She also said that her comment about breaking legs "is not a threat."

"I appealed to the court for a restraining order to keep this man away from me, but now that's been denied me," she said. "He has access to me. He can actually come for me or send people. He has many accomplices. I know this sounds crazy. I was crazy to have listened to him in the beginning."

Nestler's application for a restraining order was accompanied by a six-page typed letter in which she said Letterman used code words, gestures and "eye expressions" to convey his desires for her.

She wrote that she began sending Letterman "thoughts of love" after his show began in 1993, and that he responded in code words and gestures, asking her to come East.

Nestler said Letterman asked her to be his wife during a televised "teaser" for his show by saying, "Marry me, Oprah." Her letter said Oprah was the first of many code names for her and that the coded vocabulary increased and changed with time.

I was a good girl!

You Were Nice This Year!

You're an uber-perfect person who is on the top of Santa's list. You probably didn't even *think* any naughty thoughts this year. Unless you're a Mormon, you've probably been a little too good. Is that extra candy cane worth being a sweetheart for 365 days straight?

Were You Naughty or Nice This Year?

I am back!

I am back from my Christmas vacation. I had a great time. We went to a lot of places and saw a lot of things. And I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day with my parents, brother and my grandmother. It was really nice. For a complete rundown on my vacation, you can check out my other blog at www.kimmerzy.blogspot.com and check out the new photos in my Yahoo Photo Album. Anyway, now it is back to work for me. But...I have another 4 days off coming up on Friday - hehe. Sometimes, working for the county has its benefits ;)

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Have you ever noticed that when you're drivin', anyone goin' slower than you is an idiot? And anyone goin' faster than you is a maniac? 'Will you just look at this idiot!' [points right] 'Look at him! Just creepin' along! [swings head left] 'Look at that maniac go!' Why, I tell ya, folks, it's a wonder we ever get anywhere at all these days, what with all the idiots and maniacs out there. Because no one ever drives at my speed."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(There is no love like the love between a man and his cow)

Man Pleads No Contest to Cattle Relations

NEILLSVILLE, Wis. - A 64-year-old man has pleaded no contest to charges in Clark County Circuit Court after telling police he regularly had been using calves for sexual gratification.

Harold G. Hart was placed on two years probation Thursday and ordered to have psychological counseling and an alcohol and drug abuse assessment after pleading to charges of sexual gratification with an animal and disorderly conduct.

According to the criminal complaint, the family living on the farm Hart visited, installed a motion sensor because they had seen suspicious footprints and vehicle tracks.

When the sensor sounded, Hart was caught leaving the barn. He later told police the farm was a routine stop, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Marshfield or Neillsville.

Hart told police he had gone to the farm at least 50 times in the last year, sometimes two to four times in a week.

Merry Christmas !

Since I will be so busy for the next week or so, there will be no new posts for a while. So, I wanted to take this opportunity to tell everyone to have a very Merry Christmas!!!

Christmas Funnies

Company Holiday Party Memo

Company's Holiday Party

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas PartySun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party. The days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. What do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
Sun Nov 26 9:17:52 2000 : December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Today we have a 2 for 1 offer on an exorcism and a soul cleaning.)

That's way too much for an exorcism...

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German woman lost more than 5,000 euros ($6,000) after a would-be soothsayer convinced her she was possessed by evil spirits and prescribed an expensive exorcism as a remedy, authorities said Wednesday.

Police in the central town of Northeim said the 44-year-old was told she was possessed by a young woman who read her palm at a Christmas market.

The victim became agitated and agreed to an exorcism at her home the following day, for which she paid the 'seer' more than 5,000 euros in cash and jewelry.

The exorcist then gave her more bad news -- there were other spirits that needed casting out.

"That's when a bad feeling crept over the victim," the police said in a statement. "She informed the police forthwith."

Police have arrested a 17-year-old woman from former Yugoslavia. The victim's money and jewelry have been returned.

Which reindeer are you?

You Are Comet

A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge! Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Stupid News Story of The Day

(It's my way or the highway.)

Man goes wrong way on highway for 11 miles

STRASBOURG, France (Reuters) - A Frenchman drove up a motorway in the wrong direction for 11 miles, crashing into five other vehicles and killing one person and injuring three others including two children, police said.

The 66-year-old man continued driving after his first two collisions Sunday in the hope of finding an exit off the A35 in eastern France, a police spokesman in the city of Strasbourg said.

No one was injured in the first collision with two vehicles, but one person was seriously hurt in a second accident with two other vehicles.

The retired motorist, driving with his wife, only came to a halt when he collided head-on with another car, killing an adult and seriously injuring two children aboard. Police said the victims were among a family of immigrants from the former Soviet Union.

Police said alcohol tests on the driver proved negative and he could not explain why he had turned the wrong way onto the motorway. He was in shock but he and his wife were otherwise unhurt.

List time!

Here are a few more of my lists that I have compiled over the last week or so:

List all the names you have been called, even those not-so-endearing ones:

1. Kimbo
2. Kimmers
3. Kimberzy
4. Kimmerzy
5. Kinky Kim
6. Perky
7. Poikins
8. Snorkins
9. Kimmy
10. Kimmy Baby
11. Kimba
12. Kimmy Kins
13. Lynyrd
14. KK
15. Freaky Deaky
16. Brat
17. Bitchy Woman
18. Nerd
19. Nerd Bomber
20. Dorkholio
21. Dork Meister
22. Dork Maestro
23. Dork Ball
24. Smart Ass
25. Smarty Pants
26. Sweetie
27. Sweet Cheeks
28. Chipmunk Cheeks
29. Stupid Asshole
30. Kimmawimma
31. Kimma Bo Bimma
32. Kimmatong
33. Kim Dawg
34. Road Rager
35. Princess Kimmerco
36. Kim Barely There
37. Dumbass
38. Cornball
39. annoying bitch
40. Cutie

List all the places you've been to that have made you feel immortal, moved to tears, or omnipotent:

1. The Grand Canyon - on the edge looking waaaaaaaaaay down. Kinda made me feel like a powerful being to be standing on the edge of the world like that.

2. Yosemite Ntl Park - just looking down on the awesome beauty of Yosemite Valley made me feel so small and so fortunate to be seeing what I was seeing. It was almost tear-worthy - lol.

3. The Golden Gate Bridge - one of mankind's most marvelous man-made structures (like my use of alliteration there? hehe)

4. Death Valley at sunset - gorgeous!

5. the top of Moro Rock in Sequoia Ntl Park

6. The Hoover Dam

7. the Supreme Scream at Knott's Berry Farm - (If I can ride that ride and live, then I can do anything!)

8. inside Crystal Cave in Sequoia Ntl Park when they turned out all of the lights and left us in total darkness - for those few seconds, I felt, well, it is hard to explain, but it was a great, powerful feeling.

9. Las Vegas - how can you NOT feel all-powerful when you go there? You feel like you are gonna conquer the world when you get there...it is when you leave that you realize your mortality - lol.

10. the beach - just looking out into the ocean into infinity makes you feel almost immortal

Here is a list of things I WON'T be giving anyone for Christmas:

1. A new condo
2. A Lexus
3. The Hope Diamond
4. A trip to Bali
5. A time share in Hawaii
6. A prostitute
7. A Rolex
8. A restaurant
9. A spotted hyena
10. a set of 24k gold plated dentures

Name your favorite songs of all time:

1. Kashmir - Led Zeppelin
2. Hotel California - The Eagles
3. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
4. Sober - Tool
5. Prison Sex - Tool
6. War Pigs - Black Sabbath
7. Perfect Strangers - Deep Purple
8. Seek and Destroy - Metallica
9. Strange Condition - Pete Yorn
10. Lost Cause - Beck
11. Room For One More - Anthrax
12. Nitro - The Offspring
13. Money - Pink Floyd
14. Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits
15. Spiders - System of a Down
16. Bound For The Floor - Local H
17. (Can't Get My) Head Around You - The Offspring
18. I Wanna Be Sedated - The Ramones
19. Flake - Jack Johnson
20. Run To The Hills - Iron Maiden
21. I Don't Know - Ozzy Osbourne
22. Back In Black - AC/DC
23. Black Dog - Led Zeppelin
24. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdninand
25. Float On - Modest Mouse
26. Sludge Factory - Alice In Chains
27. Damn That River - Alice In Chains
28. Rusty Cage - Soundgarden
29. Sick of It All - Finger Eleven
30. Taillights Fade - Buffalo Tom
31. Where Is My Mind - The Pixies
32. Holiday - Green Day
33. The Sky Is Crying - Stevie Ray Vaughan
34. The End - The Doors
35. Layla - Eric Clapton
36. Green River - CCR
37. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
38. Remedy - Seether
39. Wake Me Up Inside - Evanescence
40. Karma Police - Radiohead
41. Paranoid - Black Sabbath
42. Immigrant Song- Led Zeppelin
43. In N' Out of Grace - Mudhoney
44. Outshined - Soundgarden
45. I Am The Highway - Audioslave
46. Like A Stone - Audioslave
47. When I'm Down - Chris Cornell
48. Bleed The Freak - Alice In Chains
49. What The Hell Have I - Alice In Chains
50. Once - Pearl Jam

Bad candy....BAD!

For a funny site on really bad candy, go HERE .

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Whenever I see a large crowd of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(All the king's horses and all the king's men, couldn't put the cop's finger back on again.)

Woman Allegedly Bites Off Officer's Finger

MILWAUKEE - A police officer had part of a finger bitten off by a woman after he responded to a call about a dispute over a cat, authorities say. Lt. Robert Menzel said the 40-year-old woman who called police Sunday afternoon had argued with a man about the animal and wanted him removed from her home.

The officer, a 10-year veteran, tried to restrain the woman, and she became belligerent and she bit off part of his right ring finger, Menzel said.

Surgeons at Froedtert Memorial Lutheran Hospital were not able to reattach the finger, the lieutenant said.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.)

Let's just call it even, okay?

ISTANBUL (Reuters) - A Turkish villager who ran away with his friend's wife has offered his own wife in exchange, newspapers said on Thursday.

Farm laborer Cengiz Esme said Gulhan, his wife of 18 years, disappeared a month ago after leaving their village to go shopping in the southern Turkish town of Tarsus.

The 36-year-old said his village friend Mehmet Yaksi had telephoned him the next day and said: "I've run off with your wife .... You take my wife," the Radikal daily reported.

Esme pleaded for Gulhan to return and said he was ready to forgive her and make a fresh start elsewhere. The reports said Yaksi's wife, a mother of three, declined to comment on the situation.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Here's some fun: Stand in line at the bank for a really long time. Then, when you finally get up to the window, just ask for change for a nickel. It's fun. They actually call other tellers over to look at you."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Never deny a person caffeine. Never.)

Cop Said to Taser Partner After Soda Fight

HAMTRAMCK, Mich. - A police officer has been charged with using a Taser on his partner during an argument over whether they should stop for a soft drink.

Ronald Dupuis, 32, was charged Wednesday with assault and could face up to three months in jail if convicted. The six-year veteran was fired after the Nov. 3 incident.

Dupuis and partner Prema Graham began arguing after Dupuis demanded she stop their car at a store so he could buy a soft drink, according to a police report.

The two then struggled over the steering wheel, and Dupuis hit her leg with his department-issued Taser, the report said. She was not seriously hurt.

Hamtramck police union lawyer Eugene Bolanowski said he expected Dupuis to hire a private lawyer.

Hamtramck is a city of 23,000 surrounded by Detroit.

What crappy Christmas gift are you?

You Are Socks!

Cozy and warm... but easily lost. You make a good puppet.

What Crappy Gift Are You?

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"The safety lecture on an airplane includes the phrase, 'In the unlikely event...' This is a very suspect phrase, especially coming as it does from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(I guess just a taste of freedom was all he wanted.)

Inmate Arrested Shortly After Release

JUNEAU, Alaska - It was only a small taste of freedom. David Mulligan, 21, served 25 days for drunken driving, and was released at 7 a.m. Tuesday. Authorities allege he stole a van three minutes later.

A man who lives a block from the Lemon Creek Correctional Center had left his 1997 Dodge van running to warm up. When he came out of the house, it was gone.

Two hours later, the owner called police on a cell phone, saying he was following the stolen van in traffic.

Police responded, and said they found Mulligan alone in the van.

He now faces up to five years in prison and a $50,000 fine if convicted of felony vehicle theft.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Oh, the life of a monk.)

Japanese Monk Accused of Growing Marijuana

TOKYO - A Buddhist monk was arrested Wednesday for growing marijuana near his temple in northern Japan, a police official said.

Michimaru Obara, 48-year-old monk at Eikoji shrine in Iwate prefecture (state), is suspected of cultivating about 5.3 pounds of marijuana, according to a police official who refused to give his name due to policy.

Authorities also suspect the monk sold at least 1.7 ounces of the illegal plant to an office worker near Tokyo, the official said.

Obara has already been arrested for drug possession, after police found marijuana at his home last month. The monk has admitted he cultivated the plant for personal consumption, but denies selling his harvest, reports said.

Drug penalties in Japan are harsh. Convicted drug users face up to life in prison under anti-narcotics laws, although most first-time offenders get suspended prison terms.

My elf name is....

Christmas Elf Name My Christmas Elf Name is Get your Christmas Elf Name at JokesUnlimited.com

What's yours?

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"Have you noticed that fluorescent lights seem afraid to come on? When you turn on a fluorescent light, it flickers and hesitates and is sort of unsure of itself. Then after several seconds it seems to gain confidence and light up at full strength. What's that all about? Can't these lamps receive some kind of counseling?"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Here's one more reason I am not going to get into a taxi.)

Taxi Driver Bites Off Customer's Fingertip

COPENHAGEN, Denmark - A taxi driver in Denmark bit off the tip of a 48-year-old man's finger in a brawl over how many people could fit in the cab, police said Monday.

The dispute started early Sunday morning, when a group of five men hailed a taxi in downtown Odense, a city in central Denmark.

Police said things got out of hand when the 37-year-old driver insisted he could only take four passengers. It was not clear who started the fight, but the 48-year-old man claims he grabbed the driver by the collar after the driver acted aggressively and spat at him, police said.

The driver, who was bruised but not seriously injured, said the man grabbed him by the jaw with his left hand and punched him with other hand. The driver claims he accidentally bit off the tip off the man's ring finger in the commotion, police said.

The 48-year-old was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment. None of the men were identified in line with Danish privacy rules.

Police were investigating but had not filed any charges Monday.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Here's one more reason I am not going to get into a taxi.)

Taxi Driver Bites Off Customer's Fingertip

COPENHAGEN, Denmark - A taxi driver in Denmark bit off the tip of a 48-year-old man's finger in a brawl over how many people could fit in the cab, police said Monday.

The dispute started early Sunday morning, when a group of five men hailed a taxi in downtown Odense, a city in central Denmark.

Police said things got out of hand when the 37-year-old driver insisted he could only take four passengers. It was not clear who started the fight, but the 48-year-old man claims he grabbed the driver by the collar after the driver acted aggressively and spat at him, police said.

The driver, who was bruised but not seriously injured, said the man grabbed him by the jaw with his left hand and punched him with other hand. The driver claims he accidentally bit off the tip off the man's ring finger in the commotion, police said.

The 48-year-old was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment. None of the men were identified in line with Danish privacy rules.

Police were investigating but had not filed any charges Monday.

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree....I finally put up my tree
Posted by Picasa

Merry Christmas....

Yes, it is that time of year again. I made up a little Christmas web page filled with jokes (more on the adult humor side), facts about Christmas and even a cookie recipe. You can find it at this website....

http://kimberzy.tripod.com/

Enjoy!

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"If the police never find it, is it still a clue?"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Someone's observations skills need some work, don't you think?)

Police mistakenly impound driver with car

TORONTO (Reuters) - An 85-year-old Canadian man spent hours inside his impounded car in freezing temperatures after his vehicle was ticketed for illegal parking and then towed to a police compound, police said on Thursday.

Police in the western city of Edmonton, Alberta, said frost had obscured the car's windows and a tow-truck driver, unaware of the elderly man sitting in the driver's seat, took the car to the police compound. The incident occurred Tuesday.

"The security officer at that site along with the tow-truck driver noticed that there was some movement in the car," said Edmonton Police spokeswoman Lisa Lammi.

"They accessed the vehicle and sure enough there was an elderly man inside. He was disoriented but he was not unconscious."

Temperatures were close to -10 Celsius (14 Fahrenheit).

According to the Edmonton bylaw office, the ticket was written two hours before the car arrived at the impound lot.

The man, whose identity has not been released, was taken to hospital for observation.

Lammi said police were unsure what stopped the man from driving his car away.

yes, I finally finished the painting I started a long time ago - lol - not bad for my first painting in some 8 years or so ;)
Posted by Picasa

Stupid News Story of The Day

(If the temperature was in the 40's, there wouldn't be much indecent to expose - hehe)

Police: Naked Man Fires Gun at Traffic

GERMANTOWN, Tenn. - A man wearing only socks was arrested along a busy street after witnesses said he fired a gun at afternoon traffic.

Temperatures were in the 40s when the incident occurred Tuesday. Police said no witnesses were injured.

Glenn Higgs, 44, of Germantown, was charged with reckless endangerment, indecent exposure, firing a weapon in the city limits and public intoxication, authorities said.

"I couldn't believe it," said Eddie Cox, who was driving home from the bank when he saw the naked gunman in this Memphis suburb.

Cox called police, who arrested Higgs at the scene and found a revolver in a nearby yard.

Higgs was sent to a hospital for a foot injury sustained when he earlier jumped from the second story of his home, authorities said.

And no one noticed...

2 more lists - hehe

List all the things you have made or built by hand:

1. My coffee table (yes, I really did - and no, it wasn't from a kit I got at Wal Mart - hehe)
2. Some shelves I have on the walls.
3. Most of my framed art I have hanging on the walls.
4. Christmas ornaments
5. Greeting cards
6. A book of poems and quotes
7. A bench I built from scratch (not from a kit)
8. Drink coasters
9. Wreaths
10. The headboard on my bed
11. The canopy over my bed
12. My hope chest (made it in woodshop in high school)
13. All kinds of artsy-craftsy stuff - too much to list!


List what always makes you laugh:

1. Stupid people
2. South Park
3. other people's funny childhood stories
4. myself when I do something stupid
5. the Arab commercials on an episode of Mind of Mencia - sorry, but those were freakin' funny!!!!
6. Jim Carrey as Fire Marshall Bill from In Living Color
7. Britney Spears's singing
8. Kevin Federline's corn rows
9. hearing that Kate Moss wants to act
10. hearing that Paris Hilton got scratched up by her kinkajou - hehe
11. watching that old video of Fabio getting hit in the face by a bird
12. looking through my old photo albums
13. Kenny Blankenship's Most Painful Eliminations of The Day on MXC
14. Dave Chappelle, bitches
15. Adam Sandler's "The Longest Pee"
16. Reno 911
17. watching a really cheesy horror film
18. 80's hairstyles
19. 80's hair band videos
20. Will Farrell
21. the movie Clerks
22. almost everything!

List time!

List all the celebrities you would like to sock in the face:

1. Colin Farrell - he needs to be socked!
2. Britney Spears - for marrying that trash-man and sucking so much at singing
3. Paris Hilton - for being annoying as hell
4. Sally Struthers - I think it would be fun to sock her - hehe
5. Chris Klein - for his cocky, holier-than-thou attitude
6. George Bush - (needless to say)
7. Michael Bolton - for being a no-talent ass clown
8. Brad Pitt - for the whole Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie thing
9. Michael Jackson - would be fun to see if his nose would fall off
10. Eminem - for being an asshole
11. That guy on the infomercials with the question marks all over his jacket...oh, and Tony Little, too - ok, so they are not "celebrities", but I still wanna sock them!
12. Tonya Harding - for being stupid
13. Donald Trump - I just wanna hear him say "You're fired" after I hit him...and to pull off his toupee - I would be doing him a favor there!
14. Hillary Duff- for being way too perky
15. Kevin Federline - for being an unemployed moocher
16. Steven Seagal - for sucking at acting so much
17. Tori Spelling - (see above reason)
18. Paris Hilton - had to throw her in there again....I would like to smack her twice!

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time!)

Boy Accidentally Shoots Man in Outhouse

VERSHIRE, Vt. - A Massachusetts man was shot while using the outhouse at his family's camp by a boy who was target shooting.

Chris Flanagan, 41, of Holliston, Mass., was standing in the outhouse on Saturday morning when he was hit in the chest by a bullet that came through the door.

Police said the shot was fired from a .22-caliber rifle used by a young relative. They declined to give the relationship between the two.

Police were investigating whether the boy, who was not identified because he is a minor, had missed his target or intentionally shot at the outhouse.

Police said the boy was not aware that Flanagan was inside the outhouse.

Flanagan was in fair condition Tuesday at the Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center in Lebanon, N.H.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"They keep saying you can't compare apples and oranges. I can. An apple is red and distinctly non-spherical; an orange is orange and nearly spherical. So, what's the problem?"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Better check the dessert, too)

Mom Allegedly Spikes Macaroni With Bleach

CORAOPOLIS, Pa. - A mother has been charged with trying to poison her adult daughter and her daughter's family after allegedly pouring bleach into their macaroni and cheese on Saturday night.

Nancy O'Donnell, 56, was charged with four counts each of aggravated assault and recklessly endangering another person, police said.

O'Donnell's daughter, Victoria Lynn O'Donnell, 24, was preparing dinner around 6:30 p.m. for her live-in boyfriend, Jamal Scott, 30, and their 6-year-old son and 2-year-old daughter. The four share a home with Nancy O'Donnell.

Victoria O'Donnell went upstairs while the food was cooking, and police said that when she came back downstairs, she could smell bleach in the food. She tried the macaroni and cheese and immediately spit it out after tasting the bleach, police said.

No one else tasted the food.

Victoria O'Donnell then confronted her mother about the allegedly tainted dinner. According to court records, Nancy O'Donnell said she wanted to sicken her daughter because "you don't deserve those children."

Police reported a strong odor of bleach when they arrived to investigate. Nancy O'Donnell later denied pouring bleach into the pasta, police said.

Nancy O'Donnell is being held in the Allegheny County Jail on $25,000 bond. A judge ordered that she receive a mental health evaluation.

All's well that ends with turkey

Well, my Turkey Day was pleasantly stuffing. I got all filled up with turkey, potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce and Boston Cream Cake. It was a delight for all of the senses. But, my gosh, was my tummy stuffed! Thank goodness all the leftovers stayed at my folks' house, or else my tummy would have been in pain all weekend.

Went to the movies on Saturday and saw The Wedding Crashers at the Dollar Theatre. That movie was hilarious! I love the Dollar Theatre. Love it! Nowhere else in town can you go see a movie for $1.50 ($1 before 6 pm and on Tuesdays, it is only 50 cents). Yeah, so the seats aren't as cumfy as the regular theatre, but who cares? For $1, you can't really complain too much.

Yes, I changed my template again. Isn't it cute? I love Christmas. I love it! I get to be all artsy and craftsy and buy people cute gifts. It is a great time of year. Well, great except for the cold weather. I actually had to turn on my heater last night and plug in my electric blanket. BRRRRR! It is starting to look and feel like Christmas.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(I wonder what the punishment would be for someone who stole a bra.)

'I stole mail'

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday allowed a California man to be sentenced to spend a day outside a San Francisco post office wearing a signboard stating, "I stole mail. This is my punishment."

The justices rejected an appeal by Shawn Gementera, who argued that this was designed to publicly shame and humiliate him. He said it violated the Sentencing Reform Act and the constitutional ban on cruel and unusual punishment.

Gementera pleaded guilty to mail theft after the police arrested him and an accomplice in 2001 for stealing letters from several mailboxes in San Francisco.

U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker in 2003 sentenced Walker to two months in prison, to be followed by three years of supervised release.

The conditions for his release required Gementera to spend four days at a post office observing patrons inquire about lost or stolen mail, to write letters of apology to the victims of his crime, to give three lectures at high schools about his crime and to wear the two-sided sign for one eight-hour day.

Gementera appealed the legality of the signboard requirement, but a U.S. appeals court panel, by a 2-1 vote, ruled against him in August.

The appeals court said the record in the case showed that the judge imposed the condition for the legitimate purpose of rehabilitation.

It said the judge could have imposed a lengthier prison term instead of the signboard condition, and added that crimes and the resulting penalties nearly always cause shame and embarrassment.

Gementera's attorneys appealed to the Supreme Court.

"The shaming condition amounted to nothing more than the piling on of an additional and quite gratuitous requirement -- designed to publicly humiliate (Gementera) -- in contravention of federal law," they said.

"Punishments aimed at imposing shame and humiliation are inconsistent with a constitutional requirement that punishments, even for heinous crimes, be consistent with human dignity," they said.

U.S. Justice Department attorneys said a sentence may serve a legitimate rehabilitative purpose, even if makes the defendant feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in public.

The high court turned down Gementera's appeal without any comment or recorded dissent.

Thanksgiving - George Carlin Style

"On Thanksgiving at our house we like variety, so we don't have turkey every year. Last year we had a swan. It was nice; everyone got some neck. Another year we had a seagull. Delicious! It's a little fishy, but at least there's no need to add salt. This year, we're expecting a few people over, so we're having flamingo. And I'm getting the leg that folds up. They say the meat is sweeter and more tender because the flamingo doesn't use it much."

Happy Turkey Day!

 

Happy Turkey Day to everyone! Eat, sleep and then eat some more....hehe

 

Pregnant Turkey

I thought this was a cute joke....


One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the
store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven
and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit
something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look
of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've
cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It
took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"With all this natural selection going on, why doesn't the human race get any smarter? Is this it? Why are there still so many stupid people? Apparently, being a real dumb jackoff has some survival value."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Well, it may not be the kind of touch he was hoping for...)

Police Hit Man in Genitals With Taser

FORT MYERS BEACH, Fla. - Police accidentally hit a naked man in the genitals with a Taser after he was caught breaking windows and asking women to touch him, authorities said.

Jeremy J. Miljour, 26, tried to run away when sheriff's deputies approached so one of them shot their Taser, said Cpl. Matt Chitwood. But one of the gun's prongs accidentally hit Miljour's genitals and got stuck, Chitwood said.

"The Taser is relatively accurate, but when someone is moving like that, it doesn't matter if you have a Taser, or a pistol. (Officers) can't aim," Chitwood said.

Miljour was treated at a hospital before being taken to the Lee County jail. He was charged with indecent exposure, resisting an officer and criminal damage.

Funny Stuff From George Carlin

"How can everyone's money be 'hard-earned,' and everyone's vacation be 'well-deserved'? Sounds like bull to me.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Don't drink and dry.)

Sometimes you just have a really bad day...

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man drank too much, wet his bed and set fire to his apartment while trying to dry his bedding, police in the western town of Muelheim said Monday.

"He was too drunk to go to the toilet," said a police spokesman. "The next morning he put a switched-on hairdryer on the bed to dry it and left the apartment." When the 60-year-old returned, his home and belongings were in flames.

Firemen eventually put out the blaze.

Extreme Rock, Paper, Scissors

The Beach

I went to the beach this weekend. I posted new pictures on my Yahoo album and wrote about it on my other blog, which you can get to by clicking HERE.

Stupid News Story of The Day

(I'm not dead yet!)

Tears save sick mother from cremation alive

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese peasant woman who suffered a brain haemorrhage was left at the undertakers alive for cremation because her family could no longer afford hospital treatment, state media said Friday.

She was only saved by the tears in her eyes.

The case is the latest in a series of tragedies illustrating China's stretched health care system and the inability of rural workers to meet spiraling medical costs.

You Guoying, a 47-year-old migrant worker from southwestern Sichuan province, was taken for cremation by her husband and children in Taizhou, eastern Zhejiang province, where she worked, the China Youth Daily said.

Fortunately for You, the undertaker realized she was still alive when he saw her move and tears in her eyes, the newspaper said.

"This is not only a tragedy for the family, but also for society," it quoted Xu Yinghe, a Taizhou official, as saying.

"The fundamental reason is the absence of a social welfare system."

You was taken back to hospital for further treatment with money donated by sympathetic citizens of prosperous Zhejiang, the newspaper said.

"Three days of treatment cost us more than 10,000 yuan," it quoted her daughter as saying, adding that was the sum of the family's life savings.

"If there had been another option, who would have the heart to send a member of their own family for cremation while there was still a hope of survival?"

The newspaper did not say if the family would face charges.

Vice Health Minister Zhu Qingsheng said last December that about half of all farmers could not afford medical treatment when sick.

A 42-year-old farmer too poor to afford treatment for lung cancer set off a home-made bomb aboard a bus in Fuzhou, capital of the southeastern province of Fujian, in August, killing himself and another passenger and wounding 30.

Also in August, a security guard hailed a hero for fighting off a purse snatcher jumped to his death from a hospital window in south Guangxi province because he couldn't afford the bills.

In the late 1970s, 94 percent of China's villagers were covered by cooperative medical schemes. But the collectives were disbanded during market reforms of the 1980s which ended cradle-to-grave welfare for the masses.