Phobia of The Day

Logizomechanophobia: fear of computers

Random Fact of The Day

The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Uhhh...I know I was bad, but can you help me out here?)

Carjacker crashes, gets lost, calls cops

BOCA RATON, Fla. - A carjacker called 911 and turned himself in to police after he crashed a stolen SUV twice and got lost during his escape from the crime scene. Claude King, 31, called police from a Palm Springs pay phone and confessed to stealing the GMC Envoy Tuesday night, The Palm Beach Post reported.

"Um, I committed a crime," he told the police dispatcher. "I stole a vehicle."

He asked for officers to respond to his location, but when the dispatcher asked where the vehicle was, King didn't have an answer.

"I couldn't even tell you," he said. "I don't even know where I'm at."

Boca Raton police found King waiting on a curb. He being was held without bail in the Palm Beach County Jail.

2006 - a recap

It's nearly 2007. Hard to believe this year is almost over. Where did the time go? I wish I knew. This year has brought me and my family many woes.... both my grandma and my aunt Marge passing away this year, and now I find out that my cousin Justin recently committed suicide. I just found out yesterday from my folks, and it happened back in November. It is just crazy, I tell you. The world is a strange and ever-changing place. People come in and out of your lives every day. Some stay for a while, and others disappear just as fast as they came. But the ones who really mean something to you leave an everlasting mark on your soul that brings comfort to you even when things are bad. They are the people who bring light into your dark days and happiness to you when you feel like crying and bring hope to you when you just want to give up. I thank God for those people. I really do. I don't know who I would be without them. I just know that my life is all the better for having met them. And forever glad that they stuck by me even when I was at my worst. (and I can be a beeeeyach sometimes - I have a brother who will vouch for that - lol).

This year also brought new changes to me. I was diagnosed with lupus and fibromyalgia - the doctors finally gave me a confirmed diagnosis. After all these years living with pain and fatigue, I finally found out that there really IS something wrong with me and that I am not just crazy (although, there are people out there who probably think otherwise - hehe). As bad as lupus sounds, it is almost a comfort to know finally what has been plaguing me all this time. And I know that as long as I keep taking my meds and be good to myself that everything will be just fine. I have been living with pain for so long, I have almost forgot what it feels like to be well - lol. And they always say, "no pain, no gain!"

As much sadness as this year has brought me, it still had its moments of brightness. I got to see someone very near and dear to me who I hadn't seen in a long, long time. And even though I only got to see him for a few hourse, those few hours were very, very special to me. I got back in touch with some of my high school and grade school friends (John, Robin, Brenda, Lizzy, Jane, Alvis) all thru this thing called Myspace - hehe. I got to go camping and sightseeing in some wonderful places like Yosemite, Mt Whitney, Sequoia National Park, Big Sur, Death Valley National Park, Red Rock Canyon and Valley of Fire State Park, just to mention a few. Oh and an awesome road trip this summer where I got to visit Carlsbad Caverns, a place I had wanted to go to ever since I was just a kid and saw pictures of it in a book. It was simply amazing! I want to go again - lol.

Yes, a lot has happened this year, both good and bad. Christmas was hard on me because it was the first one without my grandma. Things just seemed so wrong without her. I really didn't feel much like celebrating, but I know she would have wanted us to be happy this Christmas. I am just glad we were all able to spend last Christmas with her. It was a good Christmas last year. But if only I had known it would be her last. There were many times where I just broke down into tears thinking about that last Christmas and wishing I would have spent more time with her. But I am grateful for the times I had with her, and feel blessed to have had such a great lady like her in my life. Of all the people in the world, she was in MY life. It's really amazing when you think about it. Had my folks not adpoted me, I would have never known her. I am a pretty lucky girl

I don't think of New Year's as a time to commit to resolutions to lose weight or to get a new job or to be a better person or any of that mumbo jumbo. I think of it as more of a time of reflection and to count my blessings and be happy for the things I have and not worry about the things I don't have. I have my family and my friends and I am still alive. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. And that is a whole lot more than a lot of people have. And I feel pretty darned lucky for that.

Yep. Pretty darned lucky.

Phobia of The Day

Phobatrivaphobia: fear of trivia about phobias.

Random Fact of The Day

Jimmy Hoffa's middle name is, appropriately, Riddle.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Faking a cough wouldn't have been easier??)

German woman fakes kidnapping to avoid work

BERLIN (Reuters) - A 21-year-old German woman who did not feel like going to work at a fast food restaurant sent her parents a text message saying she had been kidnapped.

Police in the Bavarian town of Straubing said on Wednesday they had launched a massive search throughout the region for the woman who disappeared on December 23 but turned up unscathed the following morning, saying the kidnapper had set her free.

A spokesman said the woman was questioned over the Christmas holiday and admitted she made up the story because she owed a colleague 25 euros (17 pounds) and did not have the money to pay her debt. She now faces a fine of up to 1,000 euros.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Merry Christmas!!!

While we didn't have a white Christmas in B-Town, we did have a bright Christmas. It was a nice day. Sunny and almost warm. I think the high was around 65 or so. Not that I went outside today. I had such a bad headache today and joint pain. Figures! I didn't get the flu or anything this Christmas, but I still paid the piper in other ways. The Christmas curse continues!

So I lounged around in my pj's all day, and opened my presents this afternoon. I spent Christmas Eve at my folks' house, eating, talking and watching "A Christmas Story." I love that movie. It is absofreakinlutely hilarious! It was a nice, quiet Christmas, but it just wasn't the same without my grandma there. It never will be the same again. I guess we will have to start new Christmas traditions. One thing that is sure to NOT become a Christmas tradition is having pork roast for Christmas Eve dinner. It wasn't totally terrible (I did put bbq sauce on mine), but the my folks and my bro didn't like it one bit. It just was kinda tasteless. But the dessert was good! My mom bought caramel apple pie, cheescake and Smith's cookies. Yummm yummm yummm. Despite the lackluster dinner, Christmas Eve was pretty darned nice.

My bro gave me an iPod for Christmas, so I was up all night last night transfering songs to it. I think I went to bed around 4:30 am, which is probably the time my folks and bro woke up this morning (poor Mark had to work on Christmas). My iPod is well-stocked now - hehe. It was a pretty darned cool gift. I had been coveting my bro's iPod for quite some time, so he bought me my very own. It was supa cool of him, and very unexpected. I take back all the bad things I ever said about him. Thanks bro. You rock! Literally!

Thanks to Veronica, my feet are very happy. She got me these cool massaging slippers for my feet. They will be very, VERY useful after a long day at work, shopping or hiking. Thanks chica!I will bring em on all of my camping trips. Thanks for the Michaels gift card, too. I could spend hours in that store! Gotta love Michaels Thank you berry, berry much.

Thanks to Alicia, I will be smelling very good. I love, LOVE Victoria's Secret Love Spell scent. And she got me the body spray, shower gel and lotion. I am gonna smell soooooooooooo good - lol. And she got me a movie I had been wanting to see for a long time....Little Miss Sunshine. I am gonna watch it in a little bit. Thanks girlie. Thank you so much!! Luv ya!! Give my best to your family and Christmas hugs and kisses to Alana, too!

Thanks to Arlene, I now have a really cute candle to burn, and a handy dandy letter opener (which I always need) , and a very cute froggy. Thanks Arlene!! You are too nice.

And thanks to Cyndi, not only will I smell good after I put on that caramel creme brulee lotion she got me, but so will my apartment when I burn that yummy smelling candle she got me. That thing smells good enough to eat! And I will also be enjoying a nice cup of peppermint hot cocoa (how did you know I love peppermint hot cocoa??? you must have read my mind). Thank you soooooooo much, Cyndi. And I loved the card and how Zach and Gabe signed their names too. Too cute!!!!! Much love to you and your family. And tell your mom Merry Christmas from me, too. Luv ya bunches and bunches!!!

But the best present of all, is having wonderful friends and family to share the holidays with. So thanks, everyone. And I mean everyone. You are truly the best presents anyone could ask for.



...and I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Merry Christmas

...and a happy New Year!

Phobia of The Day

Pteronophobia: fear of being tickled by feathers

Random Fact of The Day

Almost all varieties of breakfast cereals are made of grass.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcake sthey receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Some people just don't care if they end up on the 'naughty' list.)

"For Christ's sake, it's Christmas" stops taxi thief

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German taxi driver who shouted "Oh, for Christ's sake, it's Christmas Eve!" when a robber put a gun to his head scared the thief away.

The teenager opened the parked taxi's door in the western town of Bielefeld and demanded money on Sunday evening, police spokesman Michael Mehler said.

The driver refused and jumped out, shouting for help. The two scuffled briefly before the thief fled.

"The taxi driver's resistance and reference to Christmas evidently unsettled the bandit," Mehler said on Monday. An 18-year-old and his 16-year-old accomplice were later arrested.

Phobia of The Day

Phronemophobia: fear of thinking

Random Fact of The Day

One quarter of the human brain is used to control the eyes.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(I know who's getting coal in his stocking this year.)

Christmas brings strange seasonal crimes

NEW YORK - There's nobody nice on this Christmas list: snowman stabbers, Grinch snatchers, wreath-robbing weasels. 'Tis the season for strange crimes by even stranger people, with police blotters expanding faster than a 6-year-old's wish list of gifts.

David Allen Rodgers, 42, was arrested Dec. 3 for driving while intoxicated — at the wheel of a float during the annual Christmas parade in Anderson, S.C. According to witnesses, Rodgers sped down Main Street in the Steppin' Out Dance Studio float with 19 people aboard, ran a red light and led police on a 3-mile chase.

Police said that when Rodgers finally stopped, they found an open container of alcohol in his truck. "I made a very bad judgment on my part," Rodgers said at a court hearing.

In Chicago, 32 plastic baby Jesus dolls were stolen from nativity scenes set up in people's front yards. The kidnappers then lined up all the dolls along the fence outside a Chicago woman's home; she rounded them up and turned them over to her parish priest.

Similar creche crimes occurred in 35 cities from Fayateville, N.C., to Mission Viejo, Calif., according to The Catholic League, which tracks nativity vandalism.

In Houghton, Mich., somebody stole an inflatable Grinch from outside an apartment complex. That was just one instance in the area's rash of seasonal thievery: Two brown plastic reindeer, a baby Jesus statue and several wreaths were also stolen.

In Ohio's Hamilton County, a pair of 18-year-olds were arrested for using screwdrivers to stab an inflatable 12-foot-tall Frosty the Snowman. "Why me?" asked Frosty's owner, Matt Williquette. "And why Frosty?"

The snowman had survived two previous stabbing attacks.

Two other local teens were arrested in an unrelated incident where they allegedly smashed a car with a large decorative candy cane, causing $1,000 worth of damage.

An Oklahoma woman was arrested after she visited the Delaware County Jail with a Christmas card for her incarcerated boyfriend. Police said the card held marijuana, leading to Dawn Smith's arrest.

A real-life Grinch in Yonkers, N.Y., made off with $14,000 in staff bonuses and money from the office safe during a Christmas party, police said. Daniel Rios, 38, spent $7,500 in cash but returned about $6,500 in checks, authorities said.

And then there's the case of the Santa Claus kidnapping.

A motorcycle-riding Santa Claus with a stuffed Rudolph in his sidecar was arrested after allegedly grabbing an 8-year-old girl from outside a South Carolina convenience store. John Michael Barton, 55, was in his Claus outfit filling his bike with gas when the girl's family stopped by the store.

The girl's father then saw Barton speeding off with her. After a chase at speeds of up to 80 mph, Barton pulled over his motorcycle and turned over the girl, police said.

Barton was arrested later, hiding inside a bar.

Oh Christmas Tree...

Click Here to get this from pYzam.com!

yummm

You Are a Trifle

No doubt, you have many intricate layers. But deep down, you're a little squishy.

What Holiday Food Are You?

Phobia of The Day

Cibophobia: fear of food

Random Fact of The Day

In Holland, you can be fined for not using a shopping basket at a grocery store.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your children open their old-fashioned presents.

Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"

You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"

Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, and I get this cretin TOP?"

Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."

You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"

Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Burn, baby, burn)

Man sets self aflame in Calif. protest

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. - A man used flammable liquid to light himself on fire, apparently to protest a San Joaquin Valley school district's decision to change the names of winter and spring breaks to Christmas and Easter vacation.

The man, who was not immediately identified, on Friday also set fire to a Christmas tree, an American flag and a revolutionary flag replica, said Fire Captain Garth Milam.

Seeing the flames, Sheriff's Deputy Lance Ferguson grabbed a fire extinguisher and ran to the man.

Flames were devouring a Christmas tree next to the Liberty Bell, where public events and demonstrations are common.

Beside the tree the man stood with an American flag draped around his shoulders and a red gas can over his head.

Seeing the deputy, the man poured the liquid over his head. He quickly burst into flames when the fumes from the gas met the flames from the tree.

The deputy ordered the man to drop to the ground as he and a parole agent sprayed him with fire extinguishers.

"The man stood there like this," the deputy said with his arms across his chest and his head bent down, "Saying no, no, no."

The man suffered first degree burns on his shoulders and arms, Milam said.

Kern County Sheriff's Deputy John Leyendecker said the man had a sign that read: "(expletive) the religious establishment and KHSD."

On Thursday, the Kern High School Board of Trustees voted to use the names Christmas and Easter instead of winter and spring breaks.

**** yes, this happened in my home town. What a surprise. hehe

Phobia of The Day

Tapinophobia: fear of being contagious

Random Fact of The Day

It was illegal to sell E.T. dolls in France because there is a law against selling dolls without human faces.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"We never look outside (in Miami) on Christmas morning to discover that the landscape has been magically transformed by a blanket of white, unless a cocaine plane has crashed on our lawn. (The Miami Herald - Dec. 07, 2003) "

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Roadkill anyone?)

Kentucky fears loss of traditional critter dish By James B. Kelleher

OWENSBORO, Kentucky, Dec 22 (Reuters Life!) - Kentucky, the untamed western frontier when the American colonies declared independence in 1776, is struggling to keep a taste of its past alive -- a stew traditionally made from roadkill and veggies.

Kentucky revels in its wild west past with the name of legendary frontiersman, Daniel Boone, attached to motels, medical clinics, a national forest and even a state highway.

So it is of mounting concern in one corner of Kentucky, just south of the Indiana border, to see waning interest in a traditional dish known as burgoo that Boone himself almost certainly ate.

Burgoo is a stew-like soup of meat and vegetables that the settlers who poured through the Cumberland Gap survived on as they tamed this region. It featured whatever meat -- squirrel, rabbit or possum -- the backwoodsmen bagged on any given day.

But Owensboro in the western part of the state is now one of the few places where burgoo is still served in restaurants, at church picnics and barbecue cook-offs, albeit in a slightly updated form.

In many ways, burgoo is similar to Brunswick stew, another one-pot, slow-cooked dish popular in the south.

But unlike Brunswick stew, which has been embraced by epicures, burgoo is just a generation removed from its roots as a roadkill-and-veggie ragout. Indeed, in the late 1990s, during the scare over mad cow disease, health officials warned Kentuckians to stop eating squirrel brains, which, like squirrel meat, remains a something of a delicacy here.

"It's basically a poor man's food," says Pat Bosley, whose family runs the Moonlite Bar-B-Q Inn in Owensboro, which bottles burgoo and sells it by mail order.

"There's a whole lot of wild game in burgoo's history."

POPULARITY WANING

In the run-up to the Kentucky Derby, burgoo -- now usually made with chicken and pork -- is as ubiquitous as mint juleps.

But during the rest of the year, it's hard to find -- except in Owensboro.

Settled by Welsh sheep herders, the city of about 54,000 on the Ohio River is the burgoo capital of Kentucky, which means the burgoo capital of the world, and the stuff is a year-round fixture on the menus of places like the Moonlite, Old Hickory Pit Bar-B-Q and George's Bar-B-Q.

As a result, lovers of the folk food make the trek to Owensboro to satisfy their craving.

"It's a big deal in this community and a big source of tourism dollars," says Jody Wassmer, the president of the Greater Owensboro Chamber of Commerce, who grew up in southern Indiana, where a burgoo-like stew with turtle meat is popular.

"You can go to the Moonlite Bar-B-Q on a Saturday afternoon and count the out-of-state licence plates."

The cooks in Owensboro, however, honour the city's Welsh founders, and burgoo's gamey roots, by making their version of the stew with barbecued mutton.

"It gives it a -- I don't want to say gamey flavour, because that's got a negative connotation -- but a robust flavour," says Bosley.

A burgoo-making contest is also one of the highlights of Owensboro's annual International Bar-B-Q Festival where there as many recipes as chefs.

But Bosley says as time passes, the taste for burgoo even here in Owensboro is waning as chain restaurants push the traditional mom-and-pop restaurants out of business.

"We sell less and less of it every year," said Bosley. "It's a folk food so the old timers still want it. But fewer and fewer young people are eating it. The tradition's being lost... (and) it dilutes the food heritage of this country. It's sad."

Almost Christmas!

It's almost Christmas, and being in a very giving mood, I am gonna share some of my Christmas art with you. Click HERE to visit my eSnips folder. There are some cute Christmas graphics , created by me (hehe), which you can download. Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

Caption This!

Tragedy struck the Manhattan Ballet Corp earlier today when, due to a mix up in the choreography, Jacques Van Helm jumped up and landed on Serge Kinski's head. It took 3 hours for doctors to remove Kinski's head from Van Helm's ass. Sadly, Kinski perished in this horiffic accident, which since has been dubbed, "Death by Asshole."

post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.

Phobia of The Day

Basophobia: fear of walking or falling

Random Fact of The Day

Hummingbirds can't walk.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"-- Gifts for Children -- This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. "

Stupid News Story of The Day

(How many Big Macs can I get for one dead cat?)

Patrons toss dead cat through drive-thru

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa - An employee working the drive-through window at a McDonald's will have a tale to tell. When the worker went to the open window thinking the car pulling up had already ordered, the people in the car threw a dead cat through the window, police said.

Cedar Rapids Animal Control officer Matt McAtee said the black domestic shorthair appeared to have been dead for a while.

"It looked like somebody had picked it up off the road," McAtee said.

Police were called to the restaurant about 8:45 p.m. Tuesday.

The people in the car drove off. A description of the car was not available, but employees knew the people in the car, police said.

No charges had been filed. The investigation was continuing.

McDonald's officials declined comment.

___

Information from: The Gazette, http://www.gazetteonline.com/

10 Things That Sound Dirty At Christmas...and Probably Are

My own personal version of this list - hehe

10. Can I shake your package?
9. Those balls are too big for your tree.
8. Wow! Is that package for me?
7. It gets sticky when you lick it.
6. Come sit on Santa's lap and tell me what you want.
5. Your tree looks limp. Let me give it a little something.
4. It looks so nice that I wanna unwrap it really slow.
3. I am so stuffed that I can't even unzip my pants.
2. It looks like there is a lot of stuff in Santa's sack.
1. I can't wait to play with my toys!

Phobia of The Day

Ombrophobia: fear of rain or of being rained on.

Random Fact of The Day

In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an 'Honorary Harlem Globetrotter.'

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"For the special dog on your holiday list, we recommend a highly scientific nutritional water specifically formulated for dogs. It comes not only in bacon flavor, but also in chicken and beef. These flavors entice the dog to drink the water, which contains, according to the manufacturer, a 'proprietary blend of vitamins, antioxidants, and electrolytes.' Of course if they REALLY wanted the dog to drink this water, they would give it the flavoring that dogs love most of all: toilet."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Was she trying to check him for tumors to save on a doctor bill?)

Woman puts baby through airport x-ray

LOS ANGELES - A woman mistakenly put her 1-month-old grandson through an X-ray machine at Los Angeles International Airport, authorities said.

A startled security worker noticed the shape of a child on the carry-on baggage screening monitor and immediately pulled him out, the Los Angeles Times reported for a story in Wednesday's editions.

The infant was taken to a local hospital, where doctors determined he did not receive a dangerous dose of radiation.

"This was an innocent mistake by an obviously inexperienced traveler," said Paul Haney, deputy executive director of airports and security for the city's airport agency.

The incident happened early Saturday, airport officials said.

Haney said in 1988, an infant in a car seat went through an X-ray machine at the Los Angeles airport.

Phobia of The Day

Chaetophobia: fear of hair

Random Fact of The Day

Forensic scientists can determine a person's sex, age, and race by examining a single strand of hair.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Another Christmas is looming and this husband, terrified that he will screw up again, has been wracking his brain for gift ideas for his wife. Nothing automotive this time: He won't make THAT mistake again! He's thinking something more romantic, like maybe a Weed Whacker. But he's not sure. He's a nervous wreck. A lot of us men are. That's why we buy gifts at the very last minute, or, optionally, never. It's not that we're thoughtless jerks! Well, OK, thoughtless. But not jerks! We're doing our best to get through a stressful season. So on behalf of all men, I ask you women to cut us some slack and accept us for the imperfect beings that we are compared to you; and above all, in the spirit of that great Christmas carol, bring us some figgy pudding."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Here comes the bitch...)

Dog weddings called off on grounds of cruelty

NEW DELHI, Dec 17 (Reuters Life!) - A Hindu wedding ceremony of 18 dogs has been called off in India after hardline religious groups and animal rights activists said it was a mockery of the religion and cruel to the canines, a newspaper reported on Sunday.

The marriage of nine dogs to nine bitches to promote canine culture was expected to take place on Sunday in the northwestern town of Jaipur, the Times of India reported.

But the wedding which, according to Hindu rituals involves sitting in front of a sacred fire and exchanging flower garlands, was canceled after groups including People for Animals (PFA) criticized the event.

The marriage would also have included a procession and a huge feast with a special dance party. Event management company B Positive and the Pink City Canine Club were organizing the spectacle.

"In my opinion, marriage of dogs is cruelty on animals," the newspaper quoted the PFA's chairman Naresh Kadyan as saying.

"People hold the front legs of the dogs against their will and force them to dance, which is cruel. The lights, noise, sound used in these kinds of events also hurt them."

The organizers said they were sorry for hurting people's sentiments but added they still planned to go ahead with the other events, including a beauty pageant for "unmarried dogs."

Watch Cartman Sing "O Holy Night"

Video Clip

Click "play" to watch a clip from a holiday classic: A Christmas Story

Separated at birth?

What do you think?

Caption This!

Bananas ? Again? Crap! I wanted an X Box.

Post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.

Phobia of The Day

Aulophobia: fear of flutes

Random Fact of The Day

Flu shots only work about 70% of the time.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it Christmas and went to church; the Jews called it Hanukka and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say Merry Christmas! or Happy Hanukka! or (to the atheists) Look out for the wall!"

Stupid News Story of The Day

(This is your brain on drugs...any questions?)

Woman tells cop she bought 'bad crack'

HAWTHORNE, Fla. - A North Carolina woman was arrested after complaining to a police officer that the crack cocaine she had just purchased wasn't very good, authorities said.

Eloise D. Reaves, 50, approached the Putnam County sheriff's deputy at a convenience store Friday, telling him that another man had sold her "bad crack" that contained wax and cocaine.

She pulled an alleged crack rock out of her mouth and placed it on the deputy's car for inspection, the Palatka Daily News reported for Tuesday editions.

The deputy told Reaves that she would be arrested if the crack tested positive for cocaine.

She was charged with possession of cocaine and bonded out for $1,504.

A Christmas song - by me

What can I say....I am in a creative mood tonite.


It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Crowds in ev'ry store.
Take a look in the parking lot,
It's filled up around the block,
With people pushing their way to the door.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
The streets are full of cars.
The pissed look on ev'ry person's face,
Is quite enough to erase,
Any Christmas joy.

A parking space just for me, and a a six-foot Christmas tree,
Are my wishes for my shopping trip.
But people that kick and grab and spit,
Are probably what I will get.
Boy I can hardly wait for Christmas to be over again!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Ev'rywhere you go.
And the stores are as crowded as can be,
Not much room for you and me,
Please remind me to shop online next time.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
There'll soon be sales you know,
And you thought it was hell before,
But wait just one day more,
That's why I stay home.

That's why I stay home.

Merry Christmas from my little guys

Merry Christms From Lil Oreo

Phobia of The Day

Ochlophobia: fear of crowds or mobs

Random Fact of The Day

The word 'Indiana' is Native American for 'Land of the Indians', yet less than 16,000 Native Americans live there.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said Charlie on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Roll over...now sit up and beg. Good dog.)

Man given costume option for slaying dog

PAINESVILLE, Ohio - A man who shot his Great Dane in the head may have his jail sentence reduced if he dresses up as a dog.

Municipal Judge Michael Cicconetti offered Thursday to cut Robert M. Clark's sentence to 10 days in jail if he wears a Safety Pup costume and visits the city's five elementary schools. The mascot educates children about issues ranging from traffic safety to drug abuse.

Clark, 38, pleaded no contest to an animal cruelty charge and was sentenced to 180 days in jail for shooting his dog.

Cicconetti suspended all but 30 days of Clark's sentence if he pays the Lake County Human Society for the dog's veterinarian bills. The judge then offered to cut an additional 20 days if Clark dresses up as Safety Pup.

Clark was arrested July 3 after neighbors reported hearing the dog's cries and police found the injured animal. The humane society took the dog to an emergency veterinary clinic, but he suffered brain damage and had to be euthanized, the group said.

Clark is appealing the sentence, court officials said.

I love snow!

You Are a Snowman

Friendly and fun, you enjoy bringing holiday cheer to everyone you know!

What Christmas Ornament Are You?

Vixen

You Are Vixen

Sexy and sultry, you're the one all the other reindeer dream about. Why You're Naughty: That fur pulling spat you got into with Dancer over Santa. Why You're Nice: Because even when you're nice, you're still delightfully naughty!

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Man

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Mery Christmas From Peanut

Phobia of The Day

Myxophobia: fear of slime

Random Fact of The Day

Slow food: The average French citizen eats 500 snails a year.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Ahhhhh.....this track is so comfy!)

Man fined for falling asleep on railway track

LONDON (Reuters) - A drunken businessman who fell asleep on a railway track causing rush hour disruption was sentenced to 180 hours' community service on Friday.

Network Rail staff took half an hour to try and wake company director Kevin Craswell after he passed out on a line near Epsom last March after drinking a large amount of vodka.

Video pictures taken by a police helicopter showed him using the track as a pillow with a train passing near his head on another line.

Rail services were disrupted for about four hours during the afternoon rush hour.

Craswell, 48, from Ashtead in Surrey, was given an 18 months' community order in addition to the community service and ordered to pay 560 pounds compensation at Redhill magistrates.

He had pleaded guilty last month to "obstructing the railway by neglect".

I am done!!!

I am done with all of my Christmas shopping, wrapping and packing. Whew! What a job it was. I mailed out all of my Christmas cards yesterday. I mailed out Leif's presents yesterday, and I mailed out Cyndi's presents today (and there are even a few things in there for Zach and Gabe, too). The line at the post office was freakin' long yesterday. I got there around 3 pm and I musta spent 40 minutes in line, and I was so damned hungry cuz I hadn't eaten all day. I thought I was gonna pass out - lol. The line today wasn't quite as long. I was probably only in line for about 15 minutes. But I am done and presents are on their way!

My whole apartment was a complete mess. Just take a look at my bedroom floor.....




The paper ornaments came out really cute. I am totally loving my Photoshop program. I did all of the ornaments myself, pixel by pixel, on Photoshop. So each one is totally unique. I made snowmen, trees and reindeer, and all of them are personalized. It was a lot of work, but it was worth it. I think I made over 30 ornaments altogether.

It is raining today. I am glad I went to the post office when I did...before it started to really rain. I hate driving in the rain. People around here just don't know how to drive in the rain. We don't get much rain here, so when the rain comes down, people get confused

Phobia of The Day

Trichopathophobia: fear of hair

Random Fact of The Day

Originally, BMW was an airplane engine manufacturer.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Your standard man, at this point in the Christmas season, has purchased zero gifts. He has not yet gotten around to purchasing an acceptable gift for his wife for LAST Christmas. He did give her something last year, but he could tell by her reaction to it that she had not been dreaming of getting an auto emergency kit, even though it was the deluxe model with booster cables AND an air compressor. Clearly, this gift violated an important rule, but the man had no idea what this rule was, and his wife was too upset to tell him."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Room service...it's no longer just for humans.)


Mumbai dogs get home-delivered meals

MUMBAI, India - Mumbai's fussy high-society dogs can now feast on gourmet cuisine specially adapted to their individual tastes and delivered to their homes.

More than 500 people have signed up for the Home-Care Dog Food service that caters to canines in Mumbai, India's booming financial and entertainment capital, said the owner of the business, Wasiff Khan.

"They tell us about their dog's likes, dislikes, allergies, and we come up with a meal plan for the month," Khan said.

Owners' habits are also taken into account, said Khan. On Hindu holidays when people do not eat meat for religious reasons, their dogs go vegetarian too.

Those who can afford the service, which costs from 30 rupees to 120 rupees ($0.66 to $2.60) daily, are attracted by the convenience, said Khan.

Before now, such pet pampering was unheard of in India, where hundreds of millions of people earn less in a day than the cost of these meals and where stray dogs are found on every street corner.

Demand for luxuries has grown however as India's economic boom generates a large middle class with disposable income, as well as a small group of very wealthy, particularly in Mumbai.

"When you eat well, so should your dogs," said Khan, now experimenting with meat-based birthday cakes for his clients.

J.C. Khanna, secretary of the local Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, said it was just a case of people trying to do what is best for their pets.

"The poor share meals with dogs, they spend on medicines if their dog falls sick," he said of shanty-dwellers who care for stray dogs in Mumbai.

"If the rich can afford to feed their dogs like this, so be it, as long as dogs are loved," he added.

Random Thought For The Day

I was thinking, this morning, about sizes. They have extra small, small, medium, large, extra large, etc. So, why don't they have extra medium??

Don't worry. I don't think very much.

Phobia of The Day

Hypsiphobia: Fear of height

Random Fact of The Day

Astronauts get taller when they are in space.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide

Gifts For Men

"Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him (You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(How many licks does it take to get to the drugs in the center of a Tootsie Pop?)

Spain foils plot to smuggle drugs in lollipops

MADRID (Reuters) - Spanish police foiled an attempt to smuggle cocaine into the country inside confectionery lollipops, a regional government official said on Tuesday.

Gang members in Colombia packed the drug into 55 lollipops and sent them by airmail via Madrid's Barajas Airport, Vicente Ripa Gonzalez, governor of the northern region of Navarra, told a news conference in Pamplona.

"Let me warn traffickers...whether they transport drugs in powerful vehicles or lollipops, by land or by air...as long as they don't rest, neither will we," he said in a statement.

He did not specify when the operation took place or estimate the weight or value of the consignment.

Civil Guard officers and customs officials intercepted the package at the airport and the post office traced the addressee in the town of Tafalla.

Police arrested a 52-year-old woman from the Dominican Republic at the address and later detained a 26-year-old Dominican man and his 34-year-old Colombian girlfriend.

Police in Navarra had seized 400 kg (880 lb) of drugs and arrested 350 people in connection with drug trafficking in the past 2-1/2 years, Ripa Gonzalez added.

Christmas shopping - oh joy

Oh my gosh. Have I actually finished my Christmas shopping early this year? By golly, I think I have done it! For once, I am actually done shopping early. I braved the mall on Saturday and Target, too. And by this evening after work, I was officially done with my Christmas shopping. Woo hoo!

Not that it was an easy task. I hate shopping. Hate it. I hate malls. I hate going to Wal-Mart. I hate even going to the grocery store. It is too cold after work to drag my ass out of my apartment and trek to the stores from my car. By the time I get in the store, I am an icicle. And it is usually so darned hot in the store that I start to sweat. Then I go back outside, only to re-freeze. My nose starts running and my hands go numb. Yeah. It is so much fun. It just isn't a pleasant experience at all. I much prefer to do my shopping online.

But, I still enjoy buying things for other people, knowing that they will feel special on Christmas when they open my gifts to them. I love giving presents. Much better than I like receiving them. My friend Alicia asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I really couldn't think of anything I HAD to have. I pretty much have everything I need. I like everything. It is the thought that counts, after all.

Anyway, the fog has returned to B-Town. It was foggy and cold this morning, which didn't really motivate me to want to go to work. I was sooooo sleepy today. I actually had to lie my head down 3 times today....on my 2 breaks and on my lunch break. So sleepy. I am gonna head to bed after I finish this blog entry, as a matter of fact.

I still have to finish my Christmas cards. I am making paper ornaments to put in each of the cards. They are coming out really cute too. Hope everyone likes them :)

Oh shoot. I did forget one thing. I have to go back to Dewar's tomorrow. I bought caramel chews to put in the gift baskets, but I have eaten most of them. Hey. They are yummmers! I couldn't help myself - hehe.

Phobia of The Day

Blennophobia: fear of slime

Random Fact of The Day

Dentists in medieval Japan extracted teeth by pulling them out with their fingers.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"At this point in the Christmas season, your standard woman has already purchased and wrapped thoughtful gifts for approximately 600 people, including her children, her relatives, her friends, her husband's relatives, her coworkers, the children of her friends, relatives of children of her friends, coworkers of friends, relatives of children of her friends, coworkers of friends of her relatives, husbands of her coworkers' relatives' friends, etc. She has also purchased several thoughtful gifts for nobody in particular, so she will not be in the horrifying position of receiving a gift from somebody for whom she does not have a retaliation gift."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Gimme back my pot!)

Man calls 911 to report stolen drugs

WICHITA, Kan. - A Wichita man called 911 to report he was the victim of an armed robbery. The theft? A pound of marijuana worth about $1,100 that he had been trying to sell at his home.

The victim told police Thursday that a buyer had pulled out a sawed-off shotgun and stole the drugs.

Police brought in a drug-sniffing dog to the house and located more marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

The victim was booked into Sedgwick County jail on several charges, including possession with the intent to sell drug.

The thief has not been found.

The Los Tacos Incident

Ok. It took me a little while to get to this blog, since I had such a bad headache today. I didn't even go Christmas shopping after work, cuz my head decided it wanted to hurt. So I came home and took a nap after work. And what do you know? My head STILL hurts. Damned head!

Well, Alicia and I were at Los Tacos last night, minding our own business, eating some good ole Los Tacos food and talking about which vegetables and fruits are good substitutes for......oh nevermind (although the beans tasted horrendous so I didn't eat all of them, which is probably good - you know - the whole farting thing - I don't need to explain). Well anyway, this really amusing situation was taking place across the room from us. This couple was sitting and arguing...loudly. Well, I think the arguing was really all being done by the chick. She was a psycho!!! I mean, she really needed some medication and a psychiatrist. I knew she was a weirdo from the moment I walked in there, cuz when I was at the counter, ordering our food, the psycho chick was at the counter asking for a cup of cheese and that she was in a "really big hurry." Well, thinking that she was ordering it to go, I was somewhat shocked when this woman who was in a reallllly big hurry took the cheese and went back to the table and sat down and started talking to her boyfriend. I guess she wasn't so much of in a hurry as she was in a hurry to eat cheese.

Well anyway, Alicia and I were sitting in the booth, eating, when we heard this "What can be more important than ME? What are you looking at?" Seems that the dude with the psycho chick was checking the time on his cell phone instead of asking HER for the time. I mean, she had a watch! LOL Good lord she was a freak. She was telling him, "I will tell you when you can go home" and "nah nah nah - nag nag nag." The guy was just sitting there, taking it all and not even fighing back. Then the psycho chick said something like, "Well, then let's go. NOW." And more nagging ensued at this point, and then she got up in a huff and walked out the door and got into this really ugly car (the same car that Alicia and I saw in the parking lot earlier and said was so ugly). Then she turned on the lights, on what seemed to be high beams, then sat there. The dude, finally got up and walked out too. Have some balls, man! Sheesh! That guy was totally whipped. Either that or he was just really scared of her.

Anyway, it was entertaining, that was for sure. We just sat and laughed about it. I am sure they heard us.

Sometimes real life is so much funnier than it is in the movies.

Phobia of The Day

Aphenphosmphobia: fear of being touched

Random Fact of The Day

In 1659, it was illegal to celebrate Christmas in Massachusetts.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"The Wise Men showed up at the manger, handed their baby gifts to Mary, and headed for the eggnog. Mary looked at the gifts - which were not wrapped, nor were they accompanied by cards - rolled her eyes, tossed the gum resins to the goats (which ate them), and said: 'Next Christmas, we are going to have some gift-giving RULES.' But the Wise Men didn't hear her, because by then they were over by the crib trying to teach the Baby Jesus to pull their finger."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(I ride the short bus.)

Man picks wrong time to use bogus check

CHESTERFIELD TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A man who police say tried to pass a counterfeit check at a Wal-Mart chose the wrong store at the wrong time. Dozens of officers were at the suburban Detroit store Tuesday helping needy children pick out items as part of an annual "Shop with a Cop" charity event.

That didn't stop Calvin E. Fluckes Jr., 21, from pulling into the parking lot next to 40 marked squad cars, police said. He apparently was unfazed by the police presence as he tried to pay for merchandise with a poorly photocopied check for $847.83.

The cashier called over a manager, who alerted one of the 80 officers who happened to be in the store.

"He was immediately apprehended," Chesterfield Township police Lt. David Marker told the Detroit Free Press. "I can't even imagine what he was thinking."

Fluckes was arraigned Wednesday on one count of uttering and publishing. He was being held in the Macomb County Jail on $2,000 bail.

He could face up to 14 years in prison if convicted, The Detroit News reported.

Further proof that I am the biggest dork....ever

I was in the elevator earlier today, going upstairs to get some breakfast, when I started wondering why the thing wasn't moving. Seems I forgot to push the "2" button. Elevators are not smart enough to read our minds, so they rely on us human beings to push the button to tell it where to go. Unfortunately for this particular elevator, I am not that smart

I could blame it on morning brain, but we all know that I am a dork. I have no other excuse.

(and yes, I did graduate from college - hard to believe, huh)

Caption This!

Well, things could be worse. Paris Hilton could have been my owner.

Post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.

Phobia of The Day

Hoplophobia: fear of firearms

Random Fact of The Day

Grenades were invented in China over 1,000 years ago.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"The Christmas season can be a difficult and stressful time for a certain group - a group whose needs, all too often, are overlooked in our society. That group is men. Why is it so hard on men? There are many complex reasons, by which I mean: women. This problem dates back to the very first Christmas. We know from the Bible that the Wise Men showed up in Bethlehem and gave the baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Now, gold is always a nice gift, but frankincense and myrrh - at least according to my dictionary - are gum resins. Who gives gum resins to a baby? The answer is: men. The Wise Men, being men, didn't even START shopping for gifts until the mast minute, when most of the stores in the greater Bethlehem area were closed for Christmas Eve. The only place still open was Big Stu's House of Myrrh."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(...and then yesterday, I was murdered! Yeah. That's the ticket.)

Drunk invents mugging to avoid wife's wrath

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German cyclist lied to police about being mugged because he was afraid to tell his wife the truth: he rode into a lamppost while drunk and injured himself.

The man, 30, called police and said he had been mugged by six youths while walking home.

"He said he beat off two of them, and that the rest fled through bushes behind the pavement," Peter Grimm, a spokesman for police in the southern town of Schwabach, said on Thursday.

Police became suspicious after finding a wire fence behind the bushes and, Grimm said, the man then "admitted he had made it all up as a cover story because he was afraid of his wife".

He now faces charges for being drunk while in charge of a bicycle and faking a crime. Police had carried out a blood test that proved he was drunk when they first interviewed him.

Phobia of The Day

Cynophobia: fear of dogs or rabies

Random Fact of The Day

Why do puppies lick your face? They're instinctively looking for scraps of food.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

Holiday Gift Guide:
INFLATE-A-POTTY

"If you are one of the estimated 83 percent of Americans who from time to time go to the bathroom, chances are that on more than one occasion you have remarked to yourself: I need a place to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW. Unfortunately, in this modern world we often find ourselves in situations where we cannot immediately relieve ourselves, such as standing in a long stadium restroom line, riding in an elevator, delivering a State of the Union address, etc. It is for just these situations that the Inflate-a-Potty was invented. This is an actual inflatable toilet that you inflate by blowing it up. Yuck! No, seriously, this is a fabulous concept. Next time you absolutely have 'got to go,' you just whip this baby out, inflate it, do your 'business,' deflate the toilet, and get back to the matter at hand, starting with a brief apology to the various houses of Congress."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Someone light a match! On second thought, don't.)

Flatulence forces plane to land

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened.

The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said.

"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," she said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up."

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

Random thought for the day

Why, when you are waiting for a web page to load, waiting on hold on the phone, etc, do they always say "thanks for your patience?" How do they know I am being patient? How do they know I am not cussing and breaking things while I am waiting so very "patiently?"

Or maybe it is just wishful thinking on their part.

Phobia of The Day

Meningitophobia: fear of brain disease

Random Fact of The Day

The human brain is insensitive to pain.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

Holiday Gift Guide:

HEADSTONE CLEANER

"It's always difficult to find the right gift for the person on your holiday list who has experienced a tragic loss. That's why we were so happy to discover this item, which we absolutely swear we are not making up. This is a specially formulated headstone-cleaner in a handy spray bottle. According to the manufacturer, in just sixty seconds this product 'deep cleans and renews luster as it quickly and easily lifts dirt, moss, mold, and grime.' Not only that, but this incredible product 'leaves behind a protective Teflon finish.' Isn't that wonderful? No more scrubbing with old-fashioned headstone cleaners! AND a Teflon finish! A person could eat off a headstone cleaned by this amazing product! We were going to make a little joke here about a lifetime guarantee, but we frankly feel that would be in poor taste."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Oops. My bad.)

Wayward football halts German train

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German passenger train was brought to a shuddering halt when a football flew from a nearby pitch and hit a brake pipe, triggering an automatic braking system, police said on Tuesday.

"The ball hit the brake pipe between the locomotive and the first carriage and undid it, leading to a loss of pressure," said a police spokesman in the western city of Muenster. "This caused the train to brake automatically."

A local youth team were playing football at the time on a pitch near the railway line in Emsdetten, near Muenster. No one has claimed the shot that stopped the train, the spokesman said.

The driver managed to re-attach the pipe and the train was delayed by only eight minutes, he added.

My Christmas tree ~ 2006 ~

Isn't it purty?

Caption This!

Damn! I knew I shouldn't have eaten all those hot wings!

post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.

Phobia of The Day

Ablutophobia: fear of washing or bathing

Random Fact of The Day

In Massachusetts, it is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

Holiday Gift Guide:

AQUARIUM TOILET TANK

"Every single one of us has spent literally years agonizing over the question of how to make our commode tanks more visually appealing. At last we have an answer, thanks to modern technology and space-age plastics. Aslo we suspect drugs were involved. This is a working aquarium that also functions as a toilet tank. While you're 'doing your business,' you can enjoy actual, living fish darting around in a playful manner, until of course you flush, at which point they are sucked, screaming tiny underwater Nemo screams, down the Hole of Death. No, seriously, the fish are not flushed down, as far as we can tell. They continue to swim around in there, in plain view, watching you as you use the commode. Even when your back is turned you can feel their eyes on you, watching, watching. Try not to think about it."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(It's the pesticide that gives it that extra zing.)

Manager arrested for garbage in lard

BEIJING - A factory manager in east China has been arrested for using grease from swill, sewage, pesticides and recycled industrial oil to make lard for human consumption, state media said Monday in the country's latest food scare.

Ying Fuming, a manager at the Fanchang Grease Factory in Taizhou, a city in Zhejiang province, sold the lard at half the price of other wholesalers while promising that his product met safety standards, the Shanghai Daily said.

The factory was shut down and local health and food authorities began an investigation this year after an anonymous tip indicated that the plant "recycled large amounts of used grease to process substandard lard," the newspaper said.

It is the latest incident involving substandard or fake food products in China, where there is rampant counterfeiting of food and medicines.

China's food safety watchdog announced last month that seven companies that produced salted, red-yolk duck eggs used potentially cancer-causing red dyes.

In 2004, at least 12 infants died from malnutrition after drinking phony formula in a city in the eastern province of Anhui. More than 200 babies suffered wasted limbs and swollen heads — common symptoms of malnutrition.

The Taizhou factory, which opened in September 2005, was ordered shut down but continued operating at night, the Shanghai Daily said. It sold its product to retailers across the country, who sold it to clients, including hotels and restaurants, it said.

In a recent night raid, officers found 83,000 pounds of raw materials and 11,600 pounds of lard, the newspaper said without providing any more details.

"Some was recycled edible grease, such as oil refined from swill and cooked oil," it said. "Some was grease rendered from sewage, and some was recycled industrial grease."

By law, only pure fat from hogs can be used to produce edible lard, the newspaper said.

Samples from the Fanchang factory showed an acid value more than 11 times higher than the national limit, it said.

Me and Santa

I found this old picture of me and Santa, taken when I was a kid. Thought I would post it, well, cuz it's just so funny.

Baby it's cold outside.

Boy it has sure turned cold here lately. It seems like we had about 2 or 3 weeks of fall then it jumped right into winter. It got into the high 20's last night and there was frost on the ground when I went out to my car this morning. When I was a kid, I remember frost as being something fun to play around in. Nowadays, it is just another reason for my bones to hurt - lol. At least when it is so cold outside it keeps the fog away.

Speaking of cold, I think I am getting one. My throat has been sore for the last few days and now my head hurts and my ears are getting a little plugged up. And my nose is all stuffy. I hate getting colds. But at least I don't have pneumonia like my brother has. Still, I feel like crap and wish I was home in my warm bed instead of freezing here at work. Why's it gotta be so cold in here???

All this coldness has given me a cold heart, too. I am not thrilled about Christmas coming up. I am not in the celebrating mood. It just won't be the same this year without my grandma. We have always had Christmas with my grandma, it seems. And to have it without her just seems wrong. And sad. I feel a little disillusioned and down about the whole holidays thing right now. But maybe that's just because I have a headache and am mad about that - lol.

Caption This!

Bakersfield's idea of a white Christmas.

Some may say that I'm a dreamer...

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Christmas's top 20 most unwanted

20 Things I don't want for Christmas:

1. A box of nails
2. A giant poster of Steven Seagal
3. Frozen asparagus
4. A year-supply of Rice-A-Roni
5. Nose hair clippers
6. Tickets to see Barbara Streisand
7. A bottle of Drain-O
8. Ballroom dancing lessons taught by a man named Bubba
9. OJ's book
10. Screech's sex tape
11. A book on advanced geometry
12. Britney Spears's hair extensions
13. Wet Dog scented candles
14. A half-eaten bag of Cheetos
15. A free haircut by Howie Mandel's hair stylist
16. A rusty can opener
17. Tickets to see the world's largest lint collection
18. Kevin Federline's CD
19. A Mike Tyson fridge magnet
20. Parachute pants

Phobia of The Day

Hematophobia: fear of blood

Random Fact of The Day

Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Alert reader Doe Clark sent in a newspaper article with this headline: 'Officials Crack Down on 'Bathtub' Cheese.' The article states: 'San Diego County health officials warned against buying or eating cheeses made in bathtubs that were being sold door to door.' It is not totally clear, from this wording, whether it is the cheese that is being sold door to door, or the bathtubs. To be on the safe side, we urge residents of San Diego Country to avoid both bathing AND eating suspicious cheese."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(My God is an angry God.)

Gun-waving sermon lands pastor in pokey

MOUNT AIRY, N.C. - The pastor of a Mount Airy church accused of brandishing a gun as part of his sermon is free on bond after being charged with possession of a firearm by a felon.

Jerry Wayne "Dusty" Whitaker, 58, of Mount Airy, was convicted in Virginia in 1990 of conspiracy to distribute cocaine and possession of a firearm during drug trafficking.

Members of Whitaker's Victory Baptist Church say they had no knowledge of his criminal background. Whitaker told them he was a retired Virginia state police officer and a retired U.S. marshal who was injured in the line of duty, said Garry Scearce, trustee chairman at Victory Baptist.

Whitaker denies ever telling anyone he was a marshal, but said he worked as a police officer for six years in Montgomery County, Va.

In September, Whitaker reportedly brought a handgun and a shoulder holster to a service.

"He was driving home his point," Scearce said. "He said he was no longer a pistol-toting U.S. marshal.' He was a pastor."

Whitaker said the gun was a toy prop.

"I use parables," he said. "Once I pretended to be a blind man with a cane, glasses and can with coins. Why didnt they arrest me for impersonating a blind man?"

Whitaker was arrested during church services Sunday. He was released Monday after posting a $20,000 bond.

___

Information from: Mount Airy News, http://www.mtairynews.com

Caption This!

Wait a minute. Aren't there supposed to be seven of us? And aren't we supposed to be swimming?

Post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.

Phobia of The Day

Acerophobia: fear of sourness

Random Fact of The Day

The Pittsburgh Steelers were originally called the Pirates.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

Holiday Gift Guide:

Sporty Electric Bug-Zapping Racket

"Here's the ideal gift for the person on your holiday gift list who enjoys playing sports AND killing flying insects. This is a tennis-racket-shaped device that, thanks to the scientific miracle of batteries, has electricity in it, so that when you swat a flying insect, the insect is instantly electrocuted! OK, maybe not instantly. We tested this device extensively last summer while on vacation, and we found that, if you managed to make contact with a flying insect, the zapper tended to stun it, rather than kill it, so it wound up sort of flopping around on the floor. The bad news was, this meant that you had to then kneel down on the floor and finish the insect off with more zapping. The good news was, we were with a seven-year-old boy who really enjoyed doing this. Be advised that this device is capable of delivering a mildly painful shock to a human. Be further advised that this feature is especially popular with seven-year-old boys."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Those must have been some roomy pants!)

Owner: Man tried to hide guitar in pants

DE QUEEN, Ark. - The guitar-shaped bulge in Morgan Conatser's clothing tipped off a music store owner that there might be a crime in progress. Clifton Lovell, owner of Guitars and Cadillacs on U.S. Highway 71 in De Queen, was talking with a customer last week when he saw Conatser, 29, walking out of the store.

"I saw him walking out to his pickup truck and the bulges in his leather jacket. I said, 'Hey what have you got there,'" Clifton Lovell said.

He said Conatser, 29, replied, "Nothing."

Lovell pointed toward the unnatural shapes in Conatser's jacket and pants and said, "You've got something."

Conatser then removed a solid body electric guitar from his pants leg and from underneath his jacket.

"The neck of the guitar was almost down to his knee and the back of the guitar was almost up to his neck. It wasn't hard to spot. There was no way he could sit down or get into the pickup," Lovell said.

With the guitar back in the store, Lovell didn't intend to call the sheriff's office. But then he discovered a wireless sound system was missing. Lovell called the Sevier County Sheriff's Department and gave a description of Conatser and his pickup.

Deputy Jeff Wahls called Conatser's father, who told Wahls how to find the house.

The deputy found Conatser at home, where Conatser went to his bedroom closet and retrieved the sound system, Wahls said.

"He made a statement saying he needed the property because he needed to make ends meet," Wahls said.

Conatser was arrested on a charge of theft of property under $500 for the sound equipment because the guitar had already been returned to the shop owner. The sound system was worth about $200.

"This is a new one on me and I couldn't believe he tried," Lovell said. "The strings were pressed down and he didn't make any noise."

Conatser was issued a misdemeanor citation and released. Conatser can resolve the charge by paying a fine or he can contest the charge in Sevier County District Court.

___

Information from: Texarkana Gazette, http://www.texarkanagazette.com

Phobia of The Day

Barophobia: fear of gravity

Random Fact of The Day

A kangaroo cannot jump if its tail is off the ground.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"I'm making progress with my weight lifting: This very morning I 'bench-pressed' a total weight of - and here, to make it look more impressive, I will use the metric system - 4,082,331.33 centigrams. Lying on my back, I was able to lift this weight INTO THE AIR, then bring it back down onto my chest, thus completing a 'bench press.' Unfortunately, I couldn't get the weight back off my chest. Seriously: I was trapped. My wife had come to rescue me. She thought it was very funny; I heard her laughing all the way to the kitchen. I bet the pickle jar was laughing, too. I will kill it with a hammer, if I can ever lift my arms again."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Even I know this wouldn't be a good idea.)

Man who tried to kill John Paul asks to meet Pope

ISTANBUL (Reuters) - The man who tried to kill Pope John Paul II in 1981 wants a day's leave from jail to discuss theology with Pope Benedict when he visits Turkey this week, his lawyer said on Monday.

"I (Mehmet Ali Agca) asked the Turkish government to release me for one day so that I can discuss theological issues with (Pope) Ratzinger," Agca said in comments passed on by his lawyer Mustafa Demirbag at a news conference.

"I want to discuss with him religious and mystic issues," Demirbag quoted Agca as saying.

Agca is serving a sentence for the killing of a newspaper editor in the 1970s and for robbery and is scheduled to be released from prison in 2010.

The former right-wing gangster served 19 years in an Italian prison for his attempted assassination of John Paul, before being pardoned at the late pope's behest in 2000 and extradited to Turkey.

The lead-up to Benedict's first visit to a Muslim country has been peppered with controversy. Turkish government leaders have been accused of reluctance to meet him, street protests have erupted against the visit and a gun was fired outside the Italian consulate in Istanbul.

Agca's motives for shooting Pope John Paul in Rome's St. Peter's Square remain a mystery. Some believe he was a hitman for Soviet-era East European security services alarmed by the Polish-born pontiff's fierce opposition to communism.

No more turkey!!!

Well, another Thanksgiving has come and gone, leaving behind it masses of turkey bones and leftovers for days and days. It also left me with a little indigestion, but what can you expect when you have what seems like 10 pounds of food on your plate? There is a reason why Thanksgiving comes once a year. If it came any more than that, we would have all died of overeating by now.

My mom is so turkeyed out that she said she is going to make spaghetti for Christmas. Yep. Spaghetti. I don't mind. I think if I have one more bite of turkey, I will start to sprout wings and a beak.

We didn't do much for Turkey Day. We just sat around, ate turkey and watched football....well, we kinda flipped between football and James Bond ("We" = "my dad" - he was the one with the remote). The next day, I ventured out into the dangerous world of shopping. I didn't go til around 6 pm, and by then, all the crazy earlybirds had shopped themselves out, leaving me parking spots and elbow room in the stores. I simply can't deal with crowded malls and parking lots any more. I have no patience.

My folks already gave me my Christmas presents. Yeah, I know it is early, but hey, I like presents! hehe. They gave me a portable DVD player and a photo printer for my digital camera, and a cool Atari thing you hook up to the tv and play. It's like totally retro, dude! It even has the old-style Atari joysticks.

Sadly, the photo printer wasn't compatible with my camera so I took it back to Target and exchanged it for one of those all-in-one copier/printer/scanner deals that can also print photos. I finally got it hooked up (after fighting with tangled cords and dust - oh man, the dust!). And after seeing how dusty it was under the desk, I proceeded to dust the rest of my room....then the bathroom....then the living room. All of that seems normal enough, but when you tell people that you were up til 3 am dusting and cleaning, they start to look at you a little funny. I never said I was normal though.

Caption This!

"Dude, I think he's dead..."
"Nah....that's how he always looks."

Post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.

Phobia of The Day

Melophobia: fear or hatred of music

Random Fact of The Day

The bagpipe was first made from the liver of a sheep.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Frank Florio sent in a obituary-page announcement from the Watertown (New York) Times that states: 'To everyone and anyone who was in any way involved in my husband's passing, a heartfelt thank-you."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Well, color me ironic.)

Official loses big skimming gambling funds

CALGARY, Alberta (Reuters) - A top anti-addiction official in the western Canadian province of Alberta skimmed nearly half a million dollars from his employer to feed his own gambling habit, the province's top auditor said on Friday.

Auditor General Fred Dunn alleged in a report that Lloyd Carr, who ran the tobacco-reduction unit of the Alberta Alcohol and Drug Abuse Commission, used five false contracts to scam C$441,298 ($390,000) from the government agency, which funds programs and treatment services for alcohol, drug and gambling addictions.

The auditor's report said Carr, who could not be reached for comment, had admitted to misappropriating the funds and using part of the cash to put a downpayment on a house, pay household expenses and repay a vehicle loan.

About C$116,000 was said to have been withdrawn from automatic teller machines in casinos.

Carr was fired in September. Criminal charges have not been filed, although police have been notified.

($1=$1.13 Canadian)

This post is censored for your protection

I just finished watching Titanic on some cable tv channel (TNT or TBS or something). Yeah, I know....total chick flick....but then, I am a chick so it is ok. Of course, it left me teary-eyed....no, not from the part where Jack gets all icy and blue and then dead....no. The part that gets me is when the old Rose goes to the end of the boat and throws the necklace into the ocean. Why does that part always get me? I have NO clue. Yet it does. Every time.

Anyway, the reason for this post was not to tell the world how much of a bawl baby I am. No. The thing that made me write this is how stupid and silly censors can be (like my alliteration there? hehe). Now I can (sorta) understand why they would block out the topless scene in the movie. It is cable, but it ain't no HBO. But is there really a reason why they would have to blur out the boobs on a drawing??? Yes. You heard that right. When they showed the drawing of Rose (sans clothes), they blurred out her boobs. It was a drawing for Pete's sake! Paper and charcoal. Ugh. How stupid. Yet, in the scene where Jack is drawing Rose, they show him drawing her boobs....nipples and all. Good lord. Censors have gone bananas!

Yet, they still allow Steven Seagal movies to run on tv. How about censoring lousy acting, people?

Nevermind. That would probably eliminate about half of the shows on tv.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Phobia of The Day

Alektorophobia: fear of chickens

Random Fact of The Day

In Cleveland, Ohio it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"The 'hot' new Thanksgiving culinary trend is to cook turkeys in big deep-fat fryers, which are hugely popular because they give guys an excuse to spend Thanksgiving outside drinking beer and messing around with a device that could potentially destroy an entire neighborhood. Now that guys have decided to become seriously involved in Thanksgiving food preparation, it's only a matter of time before they come up with a recipe for mashed potatoes that involves a grenade launcher."

* * * *

"Thanksgiving is not merely a time of eating until we are big, fat, bloated carbohydrate balloons lying motionless on the sofa watching the Detroit Lions while actual gravy oozes from our pores. Thanksgiving is also a time of giving thanks - as the Pilgrims did so many centuries ago - for the fact that the malls are open on Friday. Otherwise we'd have to spend another day with our loved ones, not to mention toxic levels of leftovers, and the number of domestic drumstick assaults would be even higher than it is."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Oh where, oh where have my little dogs gone?)

150-200 dogs removed from S.D. house

PROVO, S.D. - The Humane Society of the Black Hills removed 150-200 dogs from the rural residence of an elderly woman at Provo in southwest South Dakota.

Fall River County Sheriff Jeff Tarrell said he contacted the woman earlier this month after the Humane Society received a complaint and she agreed to give up the dogs.

Tarrell said she had taken in stray dogs for more than 30 years.

"It got to the point where people would actually drop the dogs off near the place or abandon them (near there)," he said. "People were essentially taking advantage. They knew she would take in stray dogs."

Suz Phillips, director of operations for the Humane Society, said the dogs were overall in good health.

Caption This!

Ahhhhh...it's about time someone got to that part!


post your own funny caption in a comment if you wanna.

Phobia of The Day

Dishabiliophobia: fear of undressing in front of someone

Random Fact of The Day

During the 1600's, boys and girls in England wore dresses until they were about seven years old.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Thanksgiving is that very special holiday when we take a break from our hectic everyday lives to spend quality time with our loved ones, rediscovering all the reasons why we don't actually live with them. But Thanksgiving is also a spiritual time of quiet reflection - a time when we pause to remember, as generations have remembered before us, that an improperly cooked turkey is - in the words of the US Department of Agriculture - 'a ticking Meat Bomb of Death."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Couldn't she just have sent him flowers instead?)

Fla. woman accused faking own abduction

BARTOW, Fla. - A 31-year-old woman is accused of faking her own abduction to win back an ex-boyfriend. Gretchen Morales was arrested Monday and charged with filing a false police report, child neglect and contributing to the delinquency of a child, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said.

Morales' baby sitter reported Morales was missing on Thursday after she arrived to find the front door unlocked and her not home, The Ledger of Lakeland reported Tuesday.

Judd said Morales told detectives plans for the abduction came to her in dreams since she and her ex-boyfriend, Arnulfo Corpus, 33, split. Corpus is the father of Morales' 2-year-old daughter.

Her two children had been left alone and were still sleeping when the baby sitter arrived, and deputies searched the woods behind Morales' home for 12 hours Thursday looking for her.

St. Petersburg police found her about 10 p.m. Thursday after she called 911 from a drug store, claiming she had been abducted.

Detectives who interviewed her at a hospital didn't believe her story that two men grabbed her from her garage and forced her into a car.

Phobia of The Day

Metathesiophobia: fear of changes

Random Fact of The Day

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"Not everybody is comfortable with the idea of eating turkeys, which are, let's face it, living organisms, like dogs or celery. You may wonder: Is there a more humanitarian option that you can serve for Thanksgiving dinner? There certainly is: It's tofu, a semi-foodlike substance secreted by soybeans as a defense mechanism. Tofu can be used as a high-protein meat substitute, as well as a denture adhesive or tile grout. In its natural state, tofu is tasteless and odorless, but if you form it into a turkey-shaped lump, season it well, add gravy, and bake it for two hours in a shallow pan at 350 degrees, you can also use it for minor driveway repairs."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(What will people NOT drink??)

Beverage firm offers pea-flavored soda

SEATTLE (Reuters) - After introducing the world to new soda flavors like fish taco and salmon, Seattle specialty beverage maker Jones Soda Co. is offering a new flavor: Green pea.

Green pea, along with other unusual sodas such as turkey and gravy, dinner roll, sweet potato and antacid flavor, will be part of the company's $10 to $15 "holiday pack" of bottled drinks available nationwide.

Peter van Stolk, chief executive of Jones Soda, said on Monday the collection of strange-flavored sodas usually sells out quickly, even though he can not stomach the drinks. Past flavors included broccoli casserole, corn on the cob and Brussel sprout.

"Why people buy it is beyond me. I can't drink a bottle of this stuff," said van Stolk.

Jones Soda, which sells traditional sodas alongside more exotic flavors like fufu berry and green apple, first introduced the holiday soda pack in 2003, gaining notoriety for its turkey and gravy flavor soda.

"We have the market share leader in turkey-flavored beverages," said van Stolk. "We know we can't compete with Coke or Pepsi by playing their game, but we know they're not going to come out with a turkey flavor or antacid flavor."

Asked if there were any flavors that were off limits, van Stolk said he put his foot down when it came to curried chicken flavor.

"Fish taco was just nasty and we tried curried chicken. That was just wrong," he said.

Random Thought For The Evening

I heard on E! a few minutes ago that they have some poll going asking people to vote for their favorite Carter to watch. Asking me which is my favorite Carter to watch is like asking me which size of fork I would like to poke my eyes out with.

How about none????

Here comes the fog...here comes the fog, and I say, it's not all right!

Well fog season is officially here. It is a little after 11 am and it is still foggy outside. It was pretty dreary and drab all weekend long, too. Gosh, Bakersfield is just SO pretty in the winter.

It is a good thing I am a crappy sleeper since the power went out last night. I woke up and looked at my clock and it was blinking "3:24 am." When I turned on the light and looked at my watch, it was actually 5:50 am. I would have been SO late to work had I not woke up. I heard that South High School was actually closed this morning due to a power outage, and several schools were on a fog delay. Good thing my power was actually on this morning. I would have had a hard time seeing to get ready for work - hehe.

I had a dream last night that I couldn't fall asleep. Weird, huh? It's like when you have a dream that you were having a dream. Or am I the only one who has those sorts of dreams? Anyway, I thought that was kind of appropriate since I was, in fact, actually having a hard time falling asleep last night. The last time I looked at my clock before I fell asleep last night,it was 12:50 am, and I know I laid in bed for quite some time after that before falling asleep. Sunday nights suck like that.

I can't believe it is almost Thanksgiving. This year has gone by so fast. I am not really looking forward to the holidays though. We always spent at least one of the holidays (Thanksgiving or Christmas) with my grandma. Now that she is gone....I dunno. It just won't be the same without her I miss her. My mom said that if my cousin Debbie has a get-together at her house for Christmas, we might go up there. Otherwise, it will just be the 4 of us.

I want a nap! I am so sleepy.

Phobia of The Day

Agyrophobia: fear of streets or crossing the street

Random Fact of The Day

New York's Central Park is nearly twice the size of the entire country of Monaco.

Funny Stuff From Dave Barry

"I applaud the World Toilet Organization for its efforts to improve the world's public toilets. I think this concept could be used in tourism advertising ('Korea - Come for the History: Stay for the Public Toilets'). You probably can't attend the summit, but you CAN take part in (I am STILL not making this up) World Toilet Day on November 19. Let's all take a few moments to observe this very special occasion. And then let's wash our hands."

Stupid News Story of The Day

(Sometimes, it's just better to leave the freckles alone.)

Fishy freckle remover inflames Chinese consumers

BEIJING (Reuters) - China has banned TV ads for a freckle remover, touted as being so good it could remove spots from fish, when it not only killed fish but led to rashes, blisters and skin inflammation on the humans who tried it.

Advertisements promoting "Magic Freckle Removing Gel", produced by a Shanghai company, used a celebrity, bogus experts and fish to endorse the cosmetic, but fish exposed to the gel by a research institute later died from poisoning, the Beijing News said.

"(The institute) carried out a test washing the fish's spots in the gel. Two fish died successively on the third and sixth days," the paper said, citing an investigative report on Chinese state television.

Experts later found that three different fish had been used in the advertisement to make the cleanser appear effective, the paper said.

Claims that the cleanser was produced by an American company using "American technology" were also found to be false.

The gel used a plant-based compound often used in traditional Chinese medicine to reduce fever and phlegm, but its claim that it had spot-removing properties was "unscientific", the paper said.

"Not only can it not remove spots, it also has a certain amount of poison," the paper said.

Consumers in Shanghai, Beijing and several Chinese provinces had complained of "rashes, skin inflammation, blistering, coloured spots and other adverse reactions", after using the product, the paper said.

China's trade watchdog, the State Administration of Commerce and Industry, had banned the ad and ordered provincial offices to investigate, the paper said.

The advertisements were no longer on television, but Internet sales were still available, the paper said.

China is attempting to crack down on false and misleading advertising amid rising consumer fury stemming from a spate of recent health scares, but loose administration and approval procedures have resulted in a number of bogus and unsafe products going to market.